Why can’t I control this panic and anxiety? Why am I a prisoner of my own mind? I do yoga, I pray, I try all the techniques and still there are days when I cannot escape the walls of this mental prison.
I have days that are great and I have a few days here and there where my mind traps me in this anxiety. It haunts my mind and it drives me to depths of anxiety that are just so frustrating.
I can function, I can do all the things i always do but it sets in motion the anxiety, the worry, the over thinking, the stress and it bothers me. I try to stay positive and I try to concentrate on anything but the ANXIETY. And yet, there it pops up again.
I know I will overcome it but it didn’t even exist until three years ago and when it hit, it hit hard. Since then, it has been much much better than in the beginning, but even one day a month is enough to make me want to cry. But I keep fighting and I face it and I deal with it. But I still do NOT like it.
Perhaps I did go a little crazy when she died. Maybe losing the child you gave birth to and watched grow up and cared for with her disability and never realized she would be gone without warning at 23 made me different.
Maybe because you do not understand and I hope you never do understand. That means you lost your child too and I wouldn’t want to wish that on anyone. It is a loss you learn to live with but never get over.You learn to laugh again and God brings other love into your life but it does not take away the pain at times.
I became better in some ways but in others I changed. I needed more from those I loved, I was scared and I was devastated. I developed panic issues. I went through the five stages. I went through Hell and came back a little burned. i turned back to God and I have tried to make her proud.
I have loved my only other child and adore my gbabies. I love my husband and son-in-law. I love mom and other mom. And step dad and other family. But, yes I changed. When you lose a child you always do. I hope you never have to look at me and say, ” I understand”.
I was reading one of my books last night and I realized part of my anxiety was as the book said, we tend to live in the past which causes us anxiety when things have changed. That you have to let the past stay where it was and go on. That is why I am blessed and happy to be able to have been offered this opportunity to work with addicted newborns.
It is voluntary at first and then I will take it from there. They need nurturing and a lot of holding because they are going through painful withdrawals. I go and rock and talk to them and comfort them and then try to help ease their pain with love.
I think and hope it will not only help them but me to live in the moment of helping an innocent baby who needs me. I can then let go of all past things (not forgetting but letting go) and realize, I hope, that these little babies need the love I give my grandson and granddaughter. I have to realize the old saying also from AA.
I have to accept the things I cannot change, change things that can be changed and the wisdom to know the difference. That was just part of the AA slogan but since I have never been that is all I can remember from reading about it. I cannot hold on to people who do want to be a part of my life. Just love them. And let go. You cannot force compassion, love or someone loving you. they either do or they don’t . They will have compassion or they will judge. They will think they are above you being in their life or have you in it as little as possible. So, instead of letting that bother me, God Willing, I will hopefully, learn to let all that go and live for the ones who need me as much as I need them.
I post some of mine on here. Here is one. This is a form of trick photography. These are not actually on the stands. they are bubbles I took photos of, the real bubbles you blow and then I cloned them onto the candle holders.
I do not understand what brings bouts of panic. i have read about it, I have studied it I am living it. But I still do not understand it. I try to be more positive, keep negative thoughts out of my head, exercise, do Yoga and I pray.
I do not know why i am fine and then it hits. Hard. All I know is it does. I know it can hit when i least expect although it never seems to do it on the days I have my gbaby. maybe because she makes me laugh. Or when i see my other two gbabies. I have my husband trying to understand and support me but I see the confusion when he cannot understand what it is and he is going to school for Counseling.
But that is why this is so hard for others to help. I can say the people who are trying help more than they know. I do know that it is something that is occurring less and less. But still, if i do not understand it, how can you?
I am starting to cut back on panic meds. Day two. Yesterday was one and a half and it went okay until I got under stress but I kept talking myself out of it and thank God, I did not take it. That is a MAJOR step for me.
I am starting to exercise again and I am learning to let go of toxic areas. By that, I mean when you are dealing with this kind of issue, it is a must to be able to talk to people who may not understand it but are willing to listen.
It is being able to have people who do not say you are insane or try and make you more upset or nervous but do whatever they do to help you through it. It might be listening, holding your hand, prayer, trying to understand you are in a place you may never have been before.
It may just be someone who can encourage you, lift you up and cheer you on as you struggle through what is a tough time for you. I have to say that letting go of some who could or would not try and at least understand and who did not desire to help because they were consumed in themselves (as we all are sometimes, including me) but just having compassion. Letting go of those situations helped more in a day than in the 2 and a half years I have been dealing with it.
I also found two books that are helping me to understand myself as a person and I am getting to know me. I am also grateful to my friends here on word press who have been and are on this journey with me. Thanks for the continued support. Thanks to all who have supported me.
And thank you to a beautiful person who just listened the other day. No judgment, just letting me be heard. And filling that with love that has never wavered.
I have not been able to access my word press but now it seems to be working and I was able to get on this morning. I thought maybe it had been hacked but I really have no clue. So….. happy now that I HOPE all is normal again!