I have met some of the best people on here. Compassionate people, funny people, people who have become blog friends, dreamers, artist, photographers, writers, and the list just goes on. I absolutely think we have some AWESOME people on here! I follow, I read their blogs even though I am still learning how to get to sites but I am getting there and the friends I have made on here are incredible! So, to my fellow bloggers, thanks for being some of the most AWESOME people I will probably never meet in person. Lol
I do occasionally put some humor on here, lol, but I started blogging for those people like me who need to hear about lives that are not always happy and glorious and for people who live with the loss of a child or anxiety,
panic or live with someone who has these issues. Autism (my oldest daughter) ADHD, OCD (me) and so we could all relate or maybe someone wanted to knw what it is .
But I also love to read the happy blogs and the blogs about photography and just fun things because they lift me up! I love to see the smiles, the flowers, the gardens or old landmarks and just everything. So, of course in an already dismal world, my page is not as popular as others but I never expected it to be.
But that is what I love about the beauty of blogging. We can all be ourselves and share with each other our realities and our lives.
A COUNTRY and/or LOVE SONG
We lived together for 12 long years,
before you finally said I do.
I didn’t know for us, it would mean we was through.
You said you would love me forever,
I didn’t know that meant for a day.
Cause you left me the very next morning,
When Piggly wiggly Sue, stole your heart away.
Now I’m stuck with six kids, ages 11 down to three
While you took her bowlin’
And watched movies most about me.
My heart has been broken, yeah, broken in two
So I hope you are happy and she’s happy with you.
I had us big dreams you know, cookouts and figs,
But you left me here, with kids, chickens and pigs.
Well, it’s been a month now and I’m starting to heal,
I guess in love, well, nothin is real.
So here is some news for you, Romeo Joe,
A tidbit of info you ought to know.
Last week my BFF Kathy set me up on a date
I have really found true love, guess it aint never too late.
The next night, he done gave me a ring, a real beauty divine,
This morn we got married at quarter till nine.
I have been doing good and having a majority of good days but today started off thus far kind of back sliding. I woke at 5:30 a.m. with pain across my breast bone. I fell back asleep but when I got up for the day, it was still there gnawing at me. I got nervous, of course and went to look it up. I RARELY do that anymore but of course you know how we get at pains or scary unknown hurts.
It seems to be common an I hope it is but at first, one of the signs was heart attack. I pray not because it is gone mostly now but the dumb thing about panic and anxiety that I hate is that it is often confused with heart attack so it is always scary.
Needless to say, I had to have some calm down time. It is so crazy this secret world we live in because it is mixed with joy, fear, happy and scared. So, I am now at a calmer state but I wish they could come up with a magic watch that tells us what is actually going on. Kind of like a built in heart monitor on the watch that beeps out, “NO, you are fine. This is NOT heart related or NO you are fine, it is a stomach thing. I have Crohn’s so that doesn’t help sometimes.
So today, I will probably worry but I TRY no to run to urgent care at every pain. Then I just hope and pray I am right and if it doesn’t get better I guess I end up going. However, that is the stupid up and down of anxiety and/or panic and it just plain sucks sometimes. So, I will try to be positive, reflect on my blessings and just relax.
Well, I hopped onto the all natural train as antibiotics and more have not helped this cough and I hate taking all of that junk anyway. So, I bought some freshly made Elder berry syrup and we shall see. A lady makes it locally and I want to see if it proves to be as good as they say. So here goes and wish me well on it working. I NEED SLEEP. LOL.
I have held on to this hate I didn’t even realize was there for almost 12 years. I said I would never forgive you when our daughter died for all the times you were not there for her. I hated you. I hated the fact that she still loved you and saw you when she could but I never said anything because I didn’t want her to think she had to make a choice.
I hated you for having to force you to help me when she needed things because you didn’t pay child support but then you would push her aside if your wife’s daughter got jealous or whatever the case was that month or year. I hated when you remarried and allowed your wife to call her things. Yes, she was grown by then, so young and the autism she fought and mostly won and how kind she was and loving but you never seemed to care.
I especially hated you when I had to force you to help pay for her service when she was killed and then you only asked about the watch you gave her for Christmas two months before back because it had cost you probably more money than you had ever given her or helped with. So many things that I just could not get past and I told you, “Never speak to me again”. But it hurt me more than you. I heard you regretted it all later but it was too late. But then, something strange happened a few days ago.
I looked at her picture and she was about forgiveness. Forgiving you, me of my mistakes, bullies who I tried to defend her against but she was like, “I got this mom. It’s all good”. She never quit being kind until they became her friends. Forgive. That was her REAL name and I realized to live and be whole I HAD to forgive you. I prayed, I pondered, I cried but finally I sent you the message. I did it and she was right. It is like a stone has been lifted off on me. I let go of the hate, the bitterness and all of it. I feel so different. Just from a simple act of forgiveness.
THAT is the lesson I learned from our daughter. That is who she was. That is how she lived her life.
Now I know why she did.
I just wanted to explain some of what goes on when dealing with panic and anxiety. I have been told, “Well, that is not how it really is. What you are feeling about situations are not true, be it family, the world, etc.” Well, when going through it, it is real to you. It may NOT be the actual reality but your mind is telling you it is.
I DO pray and I have been HELPED so much by that, I do listen to soothing music, I do try ALL of the things I come across to help. I do at times feel lonely, I do get scared, I do rely on God and the other forms of therapy that come along and I DO want to get better.
Having this issue makes me no less of a believer in God than someone who does not have it. It simply means I am having to start over again and regroup. It does not mean I am not aware of what others are going through or that I think I am worse off.
It simply means that my mind is telling me things and I am relying on the many ways to re train my brain. God gives us a powerful tool and it can be used by Satan to make us think we are weak but I can assure people with this issue are actually very strong. They just got caught off guard and BOOM it happened.
Be kind and supportive instead of thinking (As I have been told, that I do not have enough faith. I believe I do but maybe I am just having a harder time grasping what has been a situation I never encountered before). I always held my own, tried to be there for others, and to help when needed.
I am human, not perfect. I am loving, loyal, and I stand behind those I love. Do not judge a situation until you have been there or you may find yourself there and then and only then can you fully understand.
Does that mean I want YOU to go through it? NO! It simply means that I would hope you can be the friend or help that the person needs at that time.
Another journey day on this road. God Bless. 🙂