The day you left me……

Where did you go when you left me that day?
Did you go up to Heaven, did you go there to stay?
Do you come see me sometimes and watch what I do?
Are you proud of your mother and does it please you?

Do you cry when I get angry, hold me softly when I’m sad,
Are you really even there or do I just think that if I’m sad?
Do you have a new life there, do you live all your dreams?
Do you look down upon us and laugh at our schemes?

Are you happier now that you don’t need to grow old?
Do you see all the beauty God say’s we’ll behold?
I guess I’m a dreamer when I think you are here,
Saying, “It’s all good mom, be happy with cheer.

I still think of you every day more than you know,
or maybe you do know and I just have to let go.
Go I can do, let go I cannot,
The hole in my heart is left from the spot,

That you took with you then, when you left me that day.
I can learn to go on but you will never go away.

I love you Nik. Always. Love, Mom

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PANIC & The chaos that surrounds it.

I wish you could understand my world. But you cannot unless you live it. It is not a place you choose to be and they say many things can cause it but I can say that your love and trying to at least understand would mean more than all of the money in the world.
But you choose to see me as a weird person who is crazy or needs mental help because I go through this. Do not be so quick to judge. My panic only started three years ago. You could not understand it so you walked away from it. You chose to run from it like it might be contagious. It isn’t.
So, I have learned to deal with it on my own and some prayer. I have learned to accept that people will talk about me or judge me but I am the same as you. I just have an issue. Live my life and then maybe you can say i have no reason for panic. But I can promise if you ever have panic or anxiety, you will never think again like you do now.
But, I have a couple of people who are trying now to help and understand it. They are there even if they do not know what to do. They have held my hand and sat while I cried. But I am coming through the storm each day and learning that I am STILL the strong person I used to be just a little different in how I view people and life.
I walked alone for a while but there were foot prints in the sand I didn’t see.

SOMETIMES………I TALK TO AN OWL

Sometimes sleep eludes me and I cannot find my ability to just go to sleep.
I might be sad or mad or just in a moment where my mind is still racing with thoughts because I think. A LOT. I think about life and people and love and loss.

I think about why or who or where or what might or might not be. Sometimes I just cannot sleep because I am excited or God only knows why it might be but tonight I talked to an owl. Crazy, yes? Probably but it was out there as it is every night making its hoot so I tried to mimic it just to see what would happen. It answered back.

It understood my voice but I have no clue what it was saying. I think sometimes life is like me and the owl. We hear but we cannot understand what others are saying. We mimic the lives of others and yet we do not even understand why they live like they do.

Tonight I talked to an owl and the owl talked to me but I will never understand what he was trying to say. Maybe we should learn from the owl. My thought for the day. lol

CRAZY SUE

I wrote this when I watched a lifetime movie. I do not like like lifetime but got talked into it. lol. So I thought this song was good for it. hahahahahaah

A COUNTRY and/or LOVE SONG

We lived together for 12 long years,

before you finally said I do.

I didn’t know that piece of paper would mean for us, that we were through.

You said you would love me forever,

I didn’t know that meant for a day.

Cause you left me the very next morning,

When Piggly wiggly Sue, stole your heart away.

Now I’m stuck with six kids, ages 11 down to three

While you took her bowlin’

And you watched movies in 3D.

My heart has been broken, yeah, broken in two

So I hope you are happy and she’s happy with you.

I had us big dreams you know, cookouts and figs,

But you left me here, with kids, chickens and pigs.

Well, it’s been a month now and I’m starting to heal,

I guess in love, well, nothin is real.

So here is some news for you, Romeo Joe,

A tidbit of info you ought to know.

Last week my BFF Kathy set me up on a date

I have really found true love, guess it aint never too late.

The next night  he gave me a ring, a real beauty divine,

This morn we got married at quarter till nine.

L.S. Rockel

 

Everybody hurts

In the world today, everyone, at some point, feels hurt pain,love and loss. My heart goes out to all of you because I have been there and still go through it. I do not know why sometimes it has to be so hard or hurt so much. I didn’t understand it when I lost my oldest daughter or my newborn son.

But there is love as well. It heals you and it feeds you and it nourishes the soul. It keeps us sane and it keeps us grounded. Our world is becoming more distant from actual human contact with cell phones and computers and etc. But a cell phone cannot hug you unless you make it. It does not have a soul. A computer cannot replace a face to face encounter even with face time and things like that because you cannot hug on face time.

The thing I always try to remember is that we all have to be there for one another. In a world that has replaced electronic devices with the effort of human contact and communication, we have to reach out ourselves. We have to be the bridge that connects one soul to another. Another of my many pointless to some points but I write them from the heart. Have a great day! 🙂

The Power of Love and why it can humble you

Yesterday I was humbled by love. I made a Birthday cake for my sister. I hated it but my brother in law had so desperately wanted to get that cake made in time. But work, passing schedules and everything seemed it was not to be. I had the cake mix and items that had been purchased on my table so i decided to try and do it for him so my sis could have her cake.

I made it and I fussed at it and hated it because I couldn’t get the writing to come out of the tube right and I usually use my baggie and icing. Besides, I thought, “WHY is she going to care about this dumb stupid cake with so much going on?” I had given her her present and I figured she would probably just fling it out the window anyway when she had it was so horribly made. I was ill because i can make some pretty cakes but I just didn’t have the stuff needed yesterday.

She came by later and I ran out to the car to give her this thing of a cake and braced myself for the look of a pretend smile and trying not to hurt my feelings when she saw the hideous thing before her. She didn’t. She cried and thought it the most beautiful cake ever! She cried that my bro in law had wanted her to have it so bad and it got made. ON her Birthday.

I realized then that sometimes what we think is a horrible gift or something someone may not even want actually may be the one thing that “at that moment” is just what they need. I realized that all my fussing was worth every minute to realize how much a brown cake meant to my sister. And now I know why we, as humans, need each other. LOVE. A simple act of trying to show kindness can be just what the doctor ordered at that time.

So, next time you are looking for the “perfect gift”. it may come in the form of a brown cake, a hug, sharing tears, being there, or just saying I love you. Maybe it could be an act of showing up to help someone in whatever area of need they may have. No matter how small. Yesterday I felt humble. Thank you God for helping to remember how that feels.