Grief is like a Current in the River… Ever changing…..

When I lost my children, one at two days, my son Ryan, and my daughter, Nikki in a wreck with three of her friends, I did not realize how much grief can change on a daily basis. It takes a while to get over the shock that numbs you from going insane but it does not stop the pain or tears. I never realized the ups and down and like a flowing river, you have calm places, turbulent areas and dangerous pulls. Grief has been like that to me. I have times I am calm and smile at the memories. Days when I fall apart and just cry. I also have days when anger overcomes it all and I find myself fighting the pain. As time goes on I find more days of calm water but the under current is always there. Waiting.

Spread some Love, Share some Heart………

In all that is going on in this crazy life, I just want to spread some love and and share some love from the heart. I am going to reach out if I can to those who seem sad, or worn down. I want to show those who feel unloved that somebody loves them. One person can change that life. I am going to make that my focus today! Have a great day/evening wherever you are!

Mixing reality into fantasy…. Just some fun downtime….. Part One.

I love fairies as most people know. i love fantasy and I love using design to combine the two. So today is a break from the usual to share some of how I mix reality and fantasy and also some beautiful memories together. I made some of my daughter and her niece who never got to meet . I also brought a bit of love into her sisters photos to keep the sisterly bond. Have a great day/ evening wherever you are and I hope you enjoy.

Life without fb or much of it anyway…..

I have taken a step away from fb. I have online groups so i check on those but the drama from fb, all of the restrictions, fb jail, not meeting community standards and just all of it in general has become a hassle. as well as getting drawn into it. I just seem to find more and more pain from it than pleasure. People use it to shun you or to dwell out their anger at someone or just so many dismal things. I didn’t even realize how much I was getting caught up in it until I have taken a step back starting a few weeks ago. I think I am doing so much better being away from all of it. The World needs more face to face and less online robotic communication. Just my opinion of course! Have a great day/evening where ever you are!

Reading today and then my mind went to Anxiety… Why it should be called an emotional, not mental illness..

I have been reading your stuff, looking at photos and so on. Then it just popped in my head (happens a lot) that even though I have anxiety, why is it called a mental illness? I think it should be an emotional illness. Even though emotions come from the mind, it is still an emotional reaction from our souls I believe and our hearts. I have extreme emotion which at times causes anxiety but it is because I am too loyal, too loving and I think deeply. But my anxiety comes from my heart and soul so I call it an emotional illness not mental. Just me of course in my ranting thought s during reading. Now I am back to reading. lol. 🙂

Why are we trying to delete the History of America? …….

Trying to delete history of the United States will not change anything. It will not make the World a better place because it is just that . History. We have learned from and we can still learn from it but by trying to erase it, we are also erasing all of the good that came from it. Religion, Martin Luther King Jr. (whom I greatly admire) Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, JFK, Abraham Lincoln (whom I also greatly admire). Just many things and good people. Lessons learned from tragic mistakes and bad people such as Hitler, serial killers, oppressions and the list goes on. Of course bad things happened and great things happened. My grandfather, a man of Indian heritage was one of the wisest people I have ever met. He taught me things that serve me to an advantage to this very day. He taught me about strength, forgiveness, love, acceptance, giving and keeping your word. He had a tough life growing up but he never missed a beat. He told me of his History and tragedies he experienced and it taught me to always be a kinder, more forgiving person. Tearing down Statues, rioting, trying to erase things that happened is just a mind boggle for me. I walk around people and in 90% of the cases, we are smiling at each other. I look at the eyes and see it when mask are on. Leave History just where it is and we can still learn. But we can also realize that while we cannot change it because it is a done deal, just work to make the World, OUR World, a better place.

Is there Racism in America? There is Racism all over the World…..

Just like everything in life, there is good and there is bad. Racism is one of them. There is also good and bad in every situation. You have some white people that are racist against African Americans, there are some African Americans racist against white people, some Indians racist against white people and vice versa. In every color, nationality or whatever you will find racism. You will also find good people and bad people. Good cops and bad cops, Some Muslims against Christians and again vice versa. racist homeowners against renters, racism exist in every form. However, it is up to us as a species to find the find the good and avoid the bad. There are just situations that no matter what you do, it is not going to change some things. Turning against each other because some people choose to be racist is just not okay with me. Uniting together as one with no color, no creed, no status involved and being as one is how we can all make change. not by all the things going on now. We cannot change History but we can make today and the future better by coming together. Just my take for the day. Have a great day/evening wherever you are.

You left me a long time ago… But you will always be here in my heart..

I see your picture every morning. I think about you everyday. You made me smile and I know you still watch over me. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss our chaotic, happy, silly life we shared. You brought us so much laughter and joy. I wish you were here to see the beauty that came after. your sister growing up to get married and have her beautiful babies. If you could be here to see how I paint and how it changed. How so many things we could be doing together or the talks we would be having. But even though you left me a long time ago, I love the time I was blessed with you. For that, I get to love those memories so when I do wish you could be here, I can still go back to the time when you were here and even when I cry, I also smile. Because if you had never been here, I would not have learned so many things that carry me through now. I love you always. Love, mom

The New Normal… Blessings Amid the Chaos….

So much has changed in this new “normal”. Locked in, facetime for family and friends, mask, anxiety, Fear, sickness, tears, a longing to be with those you love, a desire to be in that church you always assumed would be open. The Yoga classes, the gym and the work place where it was always such a chore. the schools where our children met, learned and played. This new “normal” has sucked in so many ways. But there have been blessings too. Learning to appreciate what we took for granted. The freedom to see who we wanted when we wanted, the ones who loved being alone then found that having the opportunity to get out taken away made some of us want to reach out. It has made me have such an appreciation for things I just never worried about. I never knew wearing a mask could be so weird but I know how those with cancer must have felt or feel. The blessings have been seeing just how much we will now absorb and breathe in the ability to be able to be free again. So, along with the chaos cam the blessing of learning again how precious life can be.

Losing a Child…. Haunts your heart….

It is the hardest thing to deal with, in my opinion. I have learned to deal with it, because you never get “over” it. But I swim through some rough waters most of the year. Of course I think of her and her brother every day and I also love the life I have and am grateful for it. I just want them here with me to be a part of it but that cannot be. However, when those birthdays come close or the day of leaving us, it always hits hard. There is no stopping it even when I try not to focus on it. I am not saying this happens to all parents who lose a child but for me it happens. It is hard. Very hard. So hug your kids, enjoy your blessings and pray it never happens to you. Because I WAS you before it happened to ME. * never take for granted. I did.