We ALL go through bumps in the road, chaos, and so many things and for some of us it is a little different. We have lost children, suffer from anxiety or other things that cannot be seen like a physical illness but that is when I have been shunned the most. How many TIMES do I have to say, YOU do not understand and I am not asking you to but PLEASE over look the times I freak out or I am going through depression and be there as opposed to writing me off because I should not have “acted” that way and you cannot take it anymore.
Along with my issues, I am also the first one to jump when someone needs help or is hurting or needs a friend. I wish sometimes I had people who say they love me who would do the same for me but I have been just cast out of the “group” because I am too overly emotional and it is affecting their happiness. So sad because when they need me, they find a reason to come running back. I do not fit in anymore but it really showed me the difference in my loyalty and theirs. I would still be there if they called and said they needed me.
It seems like only the “happy” people are liked and accepted these days? Have we become like robots? Do NOT show emotion. that means drama and our lives can only have drama in our little circle we choose. People show not get upset, have a bad day, have an illness or you can as long it shows how much they help for kudos until they bore of it. Or illnesses you cannot see, God forbid you have one of those. NOT ALLOWED!
It just seems like in this day and time or maybe I am around too many perfect people who never make mistakes. But my encounters have been never ever have an issue, need someone, etc. We ALL have good and bad days but it is almost like we should just be smiling robots. IF the re are still, real, humans who do not get mad when you just need compassion, please let me know where they are.
So I just sopped in to have and have a wonderful day! I hope it is bright, happy and just all around great!
My new thing I try and do everyday. No matter what is going on, I just say it several times a day. I am blessed. For good things, I am blessed. For bad things, Not sure why this is happening but I am blessed. Just in every situation, that is what I am doing. Just saying I am blessed because in so many ways I am and when bad things happen, I keep trying to remember, I have many things where. I. Am. Blessed.
I had to let go of some of the people I love and hold dear to my heart. But to live, I had to let them go. I was tired of being told I was just “thinking” that, it was all in my head, that I was “in a dark place”. Why? Because I over think. Because I have anxiety. But, they never admitted they would not answer me when I sent things to them or they would avoid me or just so many things that as long as I did things their way, they were willing to help (which was one call they would accept from me maybe one every two weeks or so).
As long as I never got upset, just smiled, laughed and did everything that they deemed normal. Emotions were not allowed or I was in need of help. Does it hurt? Yes. But do I feel stronger? Oh yeah. Sometimes letting go is your road to recovery.
It is amazing tome how families that used to be close, stick through hard times together and loved each other deeply have now become so separated. Some stick together while casting out any who are not “normal” or cheerful or suffer from depression or anxiety or other things. If it is physical, most will stick by you but not anything else. And with this new group of families, now things are spaced by terms. “Immediate family which is only parents, siblings and Aunts and Uncles are excluded. OF COURSE there are times when just that family gets together but when our kids were growing up we did EVERYTHING together. But the saddest part is seeing the ones shunned because of something they did the family did not like or a self righteous younger one who sets family member against family member. I just do not understand where strong cemented family units went and it is sad. I guess those days are gone for many of us because now instead of, “We are here for you, we will get through this”, it is “I had to set boundaries. You were ugly to me when you were going through grief and depression so I had to exclude from most of my life.” Wow. Just sad.
I had to say goodbye to my beautiful rescue of 10 years yesterday, Tracer. My heart was so broken and I cried all day. I guess he was older than I thought when I rescued him. Starving, dying from lack of food and he wandered up on my sisters property. It was evening when I pulled in and saw this starving dog. I had a meal I had bought, got out of my car and fed him and gave him the bottled water I had. As he stood back up, he just put his head against my leg and looked at me with these beautiful sad brown eyes.
I thought my sister would keep him but when I got back home, 40 miles away she had called and said no. He would be taken to the pound because they couldn’t care for him. I couldn’t sleep at all that night and I told my husband early the next morning, “I am going to get that dog. I have already named him Tracer. If he will get in my car, I am bringing him.” He had touched my heart when he just put his head against my leg.
So, off I went, stopped and got some fast food and prayed on my way he was still alive and still there. I pulled up and there he was, on the ground, shivering. I walked over and fed him some of the food and said, “Come on Tracer, we are going home.” I opened my old Volvo door and as bad off as he was he managed to jump in. That was 10 years ago. I did not realize it at the time but he rescued me too. He was my loyal friend, devoted tome, my companion. Three days ago, he started sleeping a lot and acting weird. He had been abused I knew because he would growl if he ever felt cornered which could be as simple as being against anything solid if he felt a threat. But I only showed him love. I stayed with him almost non stop these last three days as he seemed to get weaker and weaker.
I called the Vets but they wanted to muzzle and etc. which would have scared him so much. He was eating, drinking, walking (slowly) but other than sleeping a lot seemed just tired. The night before last he quit eating or drinking that evening. I knew I was losing him. I sat with him until 3 a.m., in the rain for me, in his shelter for him as I petted him. He died a little after 3 a.m. and I cried all day yesterday. I miss him so much. I love you Tracer and I hope, after who knows how many years of abuse, our ten years together made up for it. I will forever be grateful for the time and love we shared but I am sure going to miss you my sweet friend. I love you.