I have anxiety, usually on a daily basis. Some good days and some bad but as an artist, that can be hard. So I decided to start painting anxiety art. It never has a duplicate because it is based on my anxiety level that day. I love it because it gives me the chance to revamp what is making me anxious (which can be anything) and I can express myself through art. Good days make for happier paintings, anxious days show me just how hard that day was. So, I am calling it Anxiety art. I name them as i wish. This is Universe.
I have been doing better. I am learning to redirect my mind, use the 1,000 plus methods I have found and yes, still take a med when needed but that is getting better too. But there are the dark days. Those are the days when it seems o consume my life. The days when I get out of bed and know it is coming. It is all an illusion in our brain telling us things that we have to fear or worry over even though we do not. But we fear it anyway.
Those days are not fun. i am edgy, frustrated over something I just DO NOT GET. Why? I was always in control of my life. This makes me feel like I am a puppet and no matter what I do, it is there. Waiting to creep up or just spring up out of nowhere. o, I try and focus more on the good days and I try to defeat the bad and dark ones. I try to focus on anything, and I mean anything that will not let it spiral out of control. It is working most of the time.
But one dark day can ruin it. So, for all of us who suffer from it, look for that ray of sun, the child or person who can divert you from that feeling. That awful, scary feeling. Smile anyway. Yes, almost impossible but do it and then try to get past it. Read, work, do anything that can bring us back to the light. Above all, hang on.
I am so stunned. My mind and body are numb. Kandice (your other best friend)came over as soon as I called her to tell her it might be you. She is in shock. I do not need meds because now I know what being in shock is. It is unreal. I cannot think. Kandice is checking myspace to see. Everyone here is in shock but trying to help. Mom is sending Cricket. She simply cannot bear it.
Mom Nana is here and Papa. Granny is keeping everything together God bless them all and Robyn and Aunt Donna and Aunt Sandy and Aunt Sherry are all in tears. The cousins are trying to be brave for your sister. I am in my room staring at the wall.
Just staring. I am rocking back and forth because i do not know how I am going to do this but I have to. You have a sister who needs my love and her mom too. I am just in a state of pure catatonic shock.
I cry and cry and cry. You , it just cannot be you. Not the one who always made us laugh who loved life and who brought joy to everyone she met. Who made friends out of enemies. Robyn said cousin Stephen called and he cannot come. he is building a ship but he got the approval to carve your name and information into it.
So many people loved you. Your Tennessee family is coming. You always feared turning 30 but you were afraid of dying. Ironically, last week, and why didn’t I catch it? You said you believed in Heaven again so you were not scared anymore. We know now it was you. But if any consolation can be found in this it is that you were killed instantly. You left us before that car blew up. Oh dear God, this pain, this emptiness where my love for you was. I do not know what I am going to do. Nothing can take away the pain. Your sissy popped in and sat beside me. I held her and we cried and cried. I keep thinking maybe you were not in that car and this is all a bad dream but now I know it is real. Kandice said Joel and your friend Tigs from Australia have been calling. All of your myspace friends are writing but I guess she is handling it. I just cannot right now. I can’t.
WHAT day is it? I don’t know, don’t care. I am writing on a napkin so I do not have to go downstairs around anyone. Granny and nana forced me to eat but I almost threw it up. No t.v. or music is allowed right now because those were what you loved so much. Oh dear god. I am so sorry for all the ways I have failed you and your baby sister even if she is not a baby anymore. I must have done something really wrong for this to happen. I keep waiting for you to walk in the door, look around and laugh and say, “Heeeey ya’ll! I just got lost. I’m sorry. My bad.” And then you will smile.
I went through the next day, calling and thinking maybe you were trying to be a grown adult so you were not trying to get to a home phone but in my heart I knew. I had known since it happened I think that you were in that car wreck but my heart could not accept it. Finally, that evening, your sister called and said “Mom, did you check the hospitals?” I said, “No, but let me call her friend’s dad”. I didn’t want to call. I ask Dan to call her friends dad but I was scared. I whispered, “God, please let it be okay, please”. I heard Dan tell the dad, “No man, just hit me up? What is going on?” Then he came back into the room and fell to his knees. I knew.
It was her in the wreck but we were not allowed to be notified because only one person was thrown out of the car. It had somehow jumped the median from one side of the interstate to the other and was hit by an SUV. Then it rolled off to the side of the road and according to a witness, it exploded. Anyone inside the car was not able to be identified so we were not allowed to be called. Only that father. I went numb. I called your sister and told her to put her boyfriend on the phone. I asked him to bring her home. I knew from the girl who was thrown from the car that it was you. The dad said everyone was killed.
Someone called the family. People started coming. I think I was in a state of shock. All I remember the rest of that day was talking briefly to our moms and your dad’s mom who was telling me she was coming the next morning. I know people came and I know your sister was talking to people and Dan was and your friend from two streets over was there but that is it until the 19th. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I went and sat in your room and I cried.
February 19th. 2007
I am writing on a crap piece of paper I found and I am crying. I cannot do this. I cannot do this. I feel like I cannot breathe. I am crying so bad I think I will never stop. I miss you so much. You were the one in our family who kept us laughing. You looked at everything with hope and it was always, “It’s all good mom, and Where id the love?” when I got upset. You loved your sister like nothing else in this world. You loved people. You loved life. You loved Dan like he was your dad. You simply cannot be gone.
Granny came and your dad’s family is trying to help find out the facts. Your cousin that you are closest in age to is crying, your sister has been crying and so many but I cannot help them. Your cousin in Afghanistan called and he is crying because they won’t let him come home. Dear God, this cannot be real. It is all a very bad dream. Your Aunts and Uncles, cousins, grandparents, sister, Dan. All here Even your dad and his family. I am in house full of people but I am ALONE. So alone. I miss you so much. I cannot believe this is real.
Part of a series of a journal/book.
This is a journal I wrote when I lost my oldest daughter Sara. It has taken all of this time to read this that I wrote as a book later but I thought I would share it with my fellow bloggers who have lost a child, from unborn to adult. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone.
This journal/book is filled with raw emotion at times I offer no apologies. Why? Because it is what happened when I lost Nikki ( Nikki to us) Sara to friends. I hope it helps the parents who have lost a child regardless of age because we share a bond no parent wants to ever share. The loss. No two people are alike but one thing that we who have lost do know is how deep and raw the pain can be. It is not to be taken as an offense against anyone. My feelings were real to me and you can only understand if you lost a child. I pray to God you never do.
We love you Sara Nicolle (Nikki) January 14th, 1984- Feb. 17th, 2007
The Day you left us.
It was a normal day. You had celebrated your birthday in January and ask me an odd question. “Mom, is 23 old?” I laughed but I knew you feared getting old. You had slight Autism and some other issues due to being born premature but you were a beautiful unique soul. I said, “No Nik. Your life is just beginning. I didn’t know on that day, you had 33 days left to live.
You were in the shower as I was leaving to pick up your little sister to go get a prom dress. I was going to ask if you wanted to go but I knew you were going somewhere with your friends and it was a big thing for you. You were a homebody and so finally stepping out and going off with friends was important to you. So I told you I loved you and left to go pick her up at her dads.
You called me on the way several times and we talked and you were really excited to be going. I was three minutes from your sister’s dads house when you called. “Heeeeeeeeey, mom. What’s up?” I said, “I am almost there and what’s up with you?”
You were about to tell me and the call cut off. I have no clue how I knew but in my heart, I was in a panic in the three minutes it took to get to her dads. I didn’t say anything to her but I kept trying to call you back.
I met your sister’s new boyfriends mom but I felt “off”. So, after talking to them for about 30 minutes, We left but stopped at Racetrac and got something to drink. Your cousin called and ask if everyone was okay. There had been a bad wreck toward Columbus and he was checking on everyone. His friend worked for the Fire department so he did that a lot when he heard about wrecks. We said we were fine and I said you were fine because you were headed the other way after leaving our house to go to Manchester. I had no idea you and your friends had changed your minds and decided to go to a birthday party in Columbus.
Your sister ask if we should call and check but I told her your phone was out of the service area because that happened every time you went to Manchester so you always had to call me from a home phone. We were picking up your Aunt Sherry and her daughter to go with us and we were running late so we took a back way to her house and headed to Columbus. An odd thought hit me that if it was you I had your license in my purse. It was just a learner’s license because up until now you had been scared to drive after losing friends in car wrecks. You were with three of your friends and the girl driving had a car especially designed for a disability she had.
You had taken pictures two days before and you had asked me if I looked at them. I said no but I would. It ran through my mind, “What if I never get to see her again and tell her I looked at them?” I felt numb the whole day and I just felt so weird. Like I was there with everyone but not there. We shopped all day but I thought it was weird you never called back and I kept waiting for you to call from a home phone. You ALWAYS called. That night I couldn’t sleep. I was awake all night just waiting on that call and trying your number. Nothing.
I wish you could understand my world. But you cannot unless you live it. It is not a place you choose to be and they say many things can cause it but I can say that your love and trying to at least understand would mean more than all of the money in the world.
But you choose to see me as a weird person who is crazy or needs mental help because I go through this. Do not be so quick to judge. My panic only started three years ago. You could not understand it so you walked away from it. You chose to run from it like it might be contagious. It isn’t.
So, I have learned to deal with it on my own and some prayer. I have learned to accept that people will talk about me or judge me but I am the same as you. I just have an issue. Live my life and then maybe you can say i have no reason for panic. But I can promise if you ever have panic or anxiety, you will never think again like you do now.
But, I have a couple of people who are trying now to help and understand it. They are there even if they do not know what to do. They have held my hand and sat while I cried. But I am coming through the storm each day and learning that I am STILL the strong person I used to be just a little different in how I view people and life.
I walked alone for a while but there were foot prints in the sand I didn’t see.
Sometimes sleep eludes me and I cannot find my ability to just go to sleep.
I might be sad or mad or just in a moment where my mind is still racing with thoughts because I think. A LOT. I think about life and people and love and loss.
I think about why or who or where or what might or might not be. Sometimes I just cannot sleep because I am excited or God only knows why it might be but tonight I talked to an owl. Crazy, yes? Probably but it was out there as it is every night making its hoot so I tried to mimic it just to see what would happen. It answered back.
It understood my voice but I have no clue what it was saying. I think sometimes life is like me and the owl. We hear but we cannot understand what others are saying. We mimic the lives of others and yet we do not even understand why they live like they do.
Tonight I talked to an owl and the owl talked to me but I will never understand what he was trying to say. Maybe we should learn from the owl. My thought for the day. lol