I can come and share with some of the best bloggers in the World. I can express what I think, feel and like or do not like and we all stand in acceptance of each other, even when we may not agree. I love to be able to be myself and share my innermost feelings, my life in Society and just anything that helps to love, live, appreciate and enjoy. I share my heart when I am down about the loss of children, depression, anxiety, yoga, well you get it. Here. I can be me.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I realized I have spent the last few years often criticized or ‘helped’ by telling me all the things I do or say wrong. It never mattered that I was ready to help anyone who called my ‘honesty’ was too much, my way of saying things was too ‘blunt’ and the list has gone on and on. Today, I realized that no, I just am who I am. Outspoken, loyal, standing up for what I believe in, blunt and at times I am sure, just like everyone prone to have bad moments and days I am just not great to been around. But for once I realize my good outweighs the bad. I may be all the things that were said but my heart is kind and loving. So, take it or leave, I think I like me just the way, I am and who I was designed to be.
I do not get it. I just do not. I try really hard to be a good person but then I seem to get totally screwed over and again. I understand people do not like to be anything but happy but life is real. I lost so many friends when I lost my daughter because it was “real”. I have lost friends because they ask for honesty so I was honest and they turn on me. I get so anxious because it seems you cannot win for losing. I know this is a negative post. I usually try to stay upbeat but I am a human. I do have bad days. sorry. this was just one of those bad days.
Some days I just find myself in a whirlwind of emotions. I am fighting the every ready Anxiety that tried to bring me down. I feel that fear that comes with asking myself if I am okay or is it just anxiety? I grip onto my mind and tell it to stop. Just stop. Then I pray. I do my Yoga. I put Lavender oil I make behind my ears and on my wrist. Then I start to get calmer and finally I can breathe okay instead of running to my room to get away from everything. I know why I have the anxiety and fear and I know I can beat it but for now I am happy each time I just manage to win the war and not let the fear and anxiety overtake me.
Okay everybody! I am slogging through, lol. I am Praying, doing Yoga, some Meditation and everything I can to keep the monsters at bay so it needs to kick in. Wow! What a week! But I am trying and that is all we can do is our best. The Anxiety has been over the top, people (only a few) over the top so I am just trying to box it all in a corner of my mind but I seal it and the tape keeps popping off. I need some something to kick in here. Well, I allowed myself a smile for a moment in the Chaos because, here, with all of you, I find some relief. People who are real like me. Life is not a fairy tale but it sure is full of adventure and challenges and mine this past week have been a few things. The news and depressing things on it also burden my heart but I am putting on my Armor best I can! 🙂 have a great day/night fellow bloggers!
Anyone who has this ability knows it can be lonely. I scare my own family sometimes much less try to make friendships but it is a gift that I have learned and I am still learning to control in certain ways. Friends are few or none because they know that I am honest in my perspective and it doesn’t take long for them to realize that I do know, feel and sense their inner shell as opposed to their outer so alas, they kind of fall of the friendship wall. But, I also learned there are times that in our lives, I have to shut up and leave it alone. It just is not worth it. So I avoid the Emotional Vampires the best I can but I also try to help as much as I can until I have to recharge. My thoughts on that for the day. Have a great night/day fellow bloggers!
I call them the great pretenders because they are so nice to me but I know that when I turn my back, most of them are the first jab a knife in there while they run around telling their “peeps” everything mistake I could possibly make and if there isn’t one, trust me, they can find SOMETHING. It is hard when the people you care about do not care back. For whatever reason, I get chosen as the scapegoat for all of the things that are wrong. So, I am learning to let it go (very hard) and just pretend I do not know and I just stay and play nice. Honesty is not allowed. Only if they need me for something am I wonderful again. But I am also learning to love myself and if that is how they choose to be then at least they do not suck my emotional heart out anymore. Sometimes, just turning around and emotionally walking away is more healing than trying to gain someone’s love.
Do you feel things that others do not? Do you feel others joy and pain on a deep level? Can you “read” when people are lying and find out later you are right? Do you have the awareness of tuning in when people are being fake and you can discern a fake person right when or not long after meeting them? Do you often find yourself knowing a person is on the prowl? There are so many different areas of this that it would take 50 more blogs to fill it all in. But just wanted to see how many others are like me. 🙂 Hugs!
you don’t understand me
I don’t understand you.
You can never see…
What I’m goin through.
I can always try
to get us above it all
But I feel like we
Are backed against a wall.
Because no matter
how much we are going through,
I don’t understand me.
You don’t understand you. Copyright 2020 L.S. Rockel
This is a hard time. I have learned to still live, love and survive but you NEVER get over it. I find I have writers block every year at this time. I can only seem to focus on writing about her. She was kind and so sweet. She did try to laugh off everything and she made friends from the bullies at school. She was bullied because of her Autism and her way of thinking. She dressed as she wanted. She ate as she could. Food could not touch and of course, bullies watch for stuff like that. But, she somehow never fought back but she stood her ground. She had kids come to her service and say, “I am so sorry. I picked on her at first but you just could NOT be mean to Sara after a while because she was just her. She would keep smiling”. She made me see what I was doing and she helped me to be a better person, not a bully”. She was the very essence of love that didn’t judge. So, this is why I am writing these stories. It is the time when I think of all the things I lost when I lost her but the gift she left behind that taught me to keep on, love others and appreciate life. I love. you. Sara Nicolle. always. Love, Mom