We don’t understand……… Copyright 2020 L.S. Rockel

you don’t understand me
I don’t understand you.
You can never see…
What I’m goin through.
I can always try
to get us above it all
But I feel like we
Are backed against a wall.
Because no matter
how much we are going through,
I don’t understand me.
You don’t understand you. Copyright 2020 L.S. Rockel

I just do not have much to say… That month of the year. Born in January. Killed in February years later…

This is a hard time. I have learned to still live, love and survive but you NEVER get over it. I find I have writers block every year at this time. I can only seem to focus on writing about her. She was kind and so sweet. She did try to laugh off everything and she made friends from the bullies at school. She was bullied because of her Autism and her way of thinking. She dressed as she wanted. She ate as she could. Food could not touch and of course, bullies watch for stuff like that. But, she somehow never fought back but she stood her ground. She had kids come to her service and say, “I am so sorry. I picked on her at first but you just could NOT be mean to Sara after a while because she was just her. She would keep smiling”. She made me see what I was doing and she helped me to be a better person, not a bully”. She was the very essence of love that didn’t judge. So, this is why I am writing these stories. It is the time when I think of all the things I lost when I lost her but the gift she left behind that taught me to keep on, love others and appreciate life. I love. you. Sara Nicolle. always. Love, Mom

Martians have landed.. In my head.

yes. I have decided the Martians have landed all right. here in my head. haha. no, I have not gone insane but I do think maybe some days there must be tiny Martians playing with my brain (just kidding) However on weeks where the chaos
surrounds me I have to honestly wonder like, um, where is all of this coming from?
But I know things calm and then get crazy and I accept that but I do need to get a bit of a grip on things. This is a hard time of year though as my daughter’s angelversary comes. However, I try to keep a steady mind, remember her joy and still hold onto my other child and enjoy life with her. I told her about Martians in my head and that I was kidding. She hugged me and suggested I see a shrink. 🙂 Have a great night everyone!

The Demon behind the Mask…….

He came with his handsome exterior and his charming ways
Hiding his demons and his needles and his little book of tricks.
Then he gave you his wares, bit by bit until he had you hooked.
Then you slowly changed. Your smile changed & your eyes lost their light.
You became angry and defensive and then at times you were laughing as
he laughed and smiled and told you it was fine. He brought you the needles and
drugs and drink to pull you in.
he disguised them all as a beautiful bouquet of love.
But what you could not see even though we warned you and begged you
was the horrible truth until it was too late.
You could never see the Demon behind the mask.

No. I have not forgotten you my sweet Sara. The pain is as real as if it were yesterday but I am just learning the ways to get through…….

I still miss your laugh, your smile, your way of making other people laugh and how much you enjoyed life. I wish you could be here to see your little niece grow up. I think you two would have been best buddies. I think you and your sister would be talking a lot. I think of you everyday and I look at your picture and wonder if you were still here, what would you be doing? Would you find the world too cruel or would you still find the lining behind every cloud? I don’t know. But I do know, I will never forget you nor could I . You brought a special light into my life and the little light burned away when you left leaving a part of my empty and alone. I love. you. Nikki. I. always. will. Love,
Mom. Sarah Nicolle Day you left me: Feb. 17th, 2007

Finding other empaths…. wonderful….

It is hard to be an empath. It is hard to make friends and keep them. It is hard to be around a world where you pick up things like others pick up items to buy. That is the type of Empath I am and there are MANY types. I am NOT weird (well maybe to people who are not Empaths) I am not a witch. I am not filled with sorcery. I am a loving, kind, hot tempered, blunt and unique individual. I do feel other’s pain, hurts, joys and deceit. I actually feel it like it is my own so I have to step back. At times, I have to walk away to my solace room and reenergize myself , yes, kind of like a rechargeable battery. I took a bold step today and told you my friends and followers, what I am. I hope you all stay and I hope you can find entertainment in some ways and in some ways understand why most Empaths rarely even acknowledge the gift they have been given. It can be a blessing and a difficult journey. But it is my journey and I am happy to see I am not alone!

And today, I take a breath, count my blessings and say a prayer for the things trying to break me…

I just take a breath and say a prayer of thanks for surviving the knocks coming my way, for the ability to fight and keep trying. I look at the beautiful sky, the birds sweetly chirping and the sound of beautiful music. I think of all I can do and that I have an escape when fear tries to over take me. And I battle the people or things that try to destroy me. Sometimes, yeah, I cry because I know in some cases, I cannot save them or stop them from doing what they do to me. I am blessed that I can do it. That I can keep standing and trying. I know in life we have battles. But today, at least one day, each at a time I can take a breath. And I smile.