We ALL go through bumps in the road, chaos, and so many things and for some of us it is a little different. We have lost children, suffer from anxiety or other things that cannot be seen like a physical illness but that is when I have been shunned the most. How many TIMES do I have to say, YOU do not understand and I am not asking you to but PLEASE over look the times I freak out or I am going through depression and be there as opposed to writing me off because I should not have “acted” that way and you cannot take it anymore.
Along with my issues, I am also the first one to jump when someone needs help or is hurting or needs a friend. I wish sometimes I had people who say they love me who would do the same for me but I have been just cast out of the “group” because I am too overly emotional and it is affecting their happiness. So sad because when they need me, they find a reason to come running back. I do not fit in anymore but it really showed me the difference in my loyalty and theirs. I would still be there if they called and said they needed me.
It is amazing tome how families that used to be close, stick through hard times together and loved each other deeply have now become so separated. Some stick together while casting out any who are not “normal” or cheerful or suffer from depression or anxiety or other things. If it is physical, most will stick by you but not anything else. And with this new group of families, now things are spaced by terms. “Immediate family which is only parents, siblings and Aunts and Uncles are excluded. OF COURSE there are times when just that family gets together but when our kids were growing up we did EVERYTHING together. But the saddest part is seeing the ones shunned because of something they did the family did not like or a self righteous younger one who sets family member against family member. I just do not understand where strong cemented family units went and it is sad. I guess those days are gone for many of us because now instead of, “We are here for you, we will get through this”, it is “I had to set boundaries. You were ugly to me when you were going through grief and depression so I had to exclude from most of my life.” Wow. Just sad.
It was and is at the worst times of my life that I need you, not during the good. The good times are when we can laugh together. But to be able to laugh, it is so needed to have you there when it is storming in my mind, the rain is pouring, I have prayed, cried, tried, or done anything to make this chaos go away.
You always have an excuse or “it is my fault” but love is about being there during those times. You are for others. When I am at my worst is when I need you to be there at your best. I never knew that being there when I was needed but then asking for help when I need it would result in so much judgment. I thought that was what love was for. I believe, of course, I will get through it but I just needed you. And you were gone until everything was fine again. But it has always been that way.
It doesn’t have to be the world as I view it. The world is full of people who would rather ignore someone they love as opposed to helping them through difficult times. We live in a world where we are expected to be all smiles and happy and joyful and many, many days we are. We strive to be and feel the happiness we know is within. We are not miserable, hateful people. We long to feel love of others, we WANT to see the rainbow behind the clouds.
We love our life and we know our blessings. We are happy with what we have been given but we are different. The depression, anxiety or panic take over at times and we are so desperately trying to escape it that we do see the sun. But it is not because we don’t want to, we can’t. We still function as normal people but we react a little different. Things that regular people just brush off, we take it personal.
We live a world of sometimes thinking we will never be able to do enough, love enough and at times we may even try to buy the love of others. We KNOW you do not understand the pain. But it doesn’t have to be like this. Just try and look inside of us. Try to read about what we go through. Try to understand that we want and eventually WILL be able to get through this but just sometimes, a hand held, a smile given, a word of encouragement or just listening can pull us through. It doesn’t have to be this way. But it is. But it does not. have. to. be.
We are so complicated, each of us unique in our way. But the more I watch people, myself included, I realize we are all unique yet alike in many ways. We say we could care less but we do care. Somewhere deep inside, we really do. We hide our feelings and some of us express them maybe too much but others bottle them up until they explode like a volcano until it explodes.
We forgive but some forgive and hold on while some of us forgive and get hurt over and over but we still do it. We laugh when we want to cry or cry when we want to laugh. We wish people understood what we go through but when we try to explain it, they just cannot understand even when they try.
Our world is a chaotic, upside down, fairground where anything can happen. We can and most of us do control it but when the fear sets in it is real.And it hits in so many different ways. Mine is usually with people. I know for me, I have a hard time telling when someone is mad or it is just my over thinking mind telling me that.
We are unique yes, but we are also some of the most compassionate humans who want love and be loved on the planet. Because we know and face fear or run from it everyday. We live in a large multi colored bubble of feelings and we battle it everyday.
Is it now wrong to be loyal to people? Is it now a thing of the past where you stand up for what you believe in and for those you love or for those who love you? Why and when did society become so docile that it is all about the mask? I may hate you but I will smile in front of you and act like I care? Then talk trash about you behind your back?
Is it just me and maybe I am wrong? I am loyal and will defend those I love and protect them. I stand up for what I believe in but people do not like that anymore. I am supposed to just be a pin cushion I guess. Used when I am needed and poked and provoked when I am not.
I just wanted some input from my fellow writers and readers. Thanks!
I am learning each day to accept me for who I am . Not the mold I am supposed to be but the real, actual me. Sometimes I have anxiety. Sometimes I have anger. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry. I post memes because they make me laugh. I write. I create art. My kind of art. Not what is popular or in the “love” type of the year. I am outspoken but loyal and goodhearted. A bit too sensitive at times and easily get my feelings hurt but then I can be tough. I am strange to some people, I do not easily make friends for reasons I do not understand but I accept it. Because, I am. Me.