Did you think I don’t see the pain behind the smile?
Did you ever think you have us fooled from the bruises you hide?
Or that we wouldn’t see how the emotional abuse was taking
that spark from your eyes?
How long will you suffer from the hands of abuse?
How long will you ignore our pleas to rescue you?
You are so beautiful. Inside as well as out.
You deserve so much more than what you believe you deserve.
It is not love. It is control.
It is not what I wanted for you.
I wanted to see the shine in your eyes keep glowing
not smothered by the abuse of someone’s hatred.
So, I hope you will find your way back.
I hope you can someday see what I have always known. You are beautiful. But the abuse you live is so ugly.
One day. I hold onto to that. One day.
You will see. I love you.
I feel as though I am trapped in a fortress
Trapped by your rage, unable to escape.
The walls that surround me are your hatred
And the thorns at the top are each time your bitter words
Have pierced my heart.
No flowers grow here, only weeds of destruction
Waiting to choke the last of my strength.
Inside of me, where happiness strives to live
Your vines of anger entangle my heart
Trying to destroy any joy or contentment.
I hope to break free of this prison
And smile once again.
I want to wake each day without your dark shadow hanging over me
And to laugh without feeling the punishment of your revenge.
I know one day I will become whole again.
When I do, I will become a blossoming, beautiful rose
And you will be a choking weed, dying until you find more sunlight to destroy.
I wish you could understand my world. But you cannot unless you live it. It is not a place you choose to be and they say many things can cause it but I can say that your love and trying to at least understand would mean more than all of the money in the world.
But you choose to see me as a weird person who is crazy or needs mental help because I go through this. Do not be so quick to judge. My panic only started three years ago. You could not understand it so you walked away from it. You chose to run from it like it might be contagious. It isn’t.
So, I have learned to deal with it on my own and some prayer. I have learned to accept that people will talk about me or judge me but I am the same as you. I just have an issue. Live my life and then maybe you can say i have no reason for panic. But I can promise if you ever have panic or anxiety, you will never think again like you do now.
But, I have a couple of people who are trying now to help and understand it. They are there even if they do not know what to do. They have held my hand and sat while I cried. But I am coming through the storm each day and learning that I am STILL the strong person I used to be just a little different in how I view people and life.
I walked alone for a while but there were foot prints in the sand I didn’t see.
I was reading one of my books last night and I realized part of my anxiety was as the book said, we tend to live in the past which causes us anxiety when things have changed. That you have to let the past stay where it was and go on. That is why I am blessed and happy to be able to have been offered this opportunity to work with addicted newborns.
It is voluntary at first and then I will take it from there. They need nurturing and a lot of holding because they are going through painful withdrawals. I go and rock and talk to them and comfort them and then try to help ease their pain with love.
I think and hope it will not only help them but me to live in the moment of helping an innocent baby who needs me. I can then let go of all past things (not forgetting but letting go) and realize, I hope, that these little babies need the love I give my grandson and granddaughter. I have to realize the old saying also from AA.
I have to accept the things I cannot change, change things that can be changed and the wisdom to know the difference. That was just part of the AA slogan but since I have never been that is all I can remember from reading about it. I cannot hold on to people who do want to be a part of my life. Just love them. And let go. You cannot force compassion, love or someone loving you. they either do or they don’t . They will have compassion or they will judge. They will think they are above you being in their life or have you in it as little as possible. So, instead of letting that bother me, God Willing, I will hopefully, learn to let all that go and live for the ones who need me as much as I need them.
Love is a word so easily used but real love is rarely applied in some cases. WHAT then is REAL love? Real love is showing you care in some form or fashion. Whether it is a phone call to someone if you cannot get there when they are sick, or down, or just need human interaction.
Real love is not assaulting them when they reach out for help by telling them they are selfish because you are busy and doing the best that you can. It is not giving them the 500 excuses of why you couldn’t come, forgot to call, meant to write, tried to get there and just couldn’t find 10 seconds in this world of cyber everything to put an I love you or I am praying for you or thinking of you.
It is a flower picked from the road for someone you know is sad but you didn’t have the money to buy a bouquet. It is holding their hand when they cannot get through something alone. It is a call, a note, a text it is anything that shows that you want to be there for them.
If you can take time to stop at a store, answer a phone call, send a text, go to “meetings” or spend hours at conferences, go fishing, hunting, shopping, go out to eat or basically breathe, then you can show someone who may need you “real” Love. The excuses you give as to why you can’t are just that. Excuses. Remember that next time you KNOW someone needs you or is suffering. That one small thing is something they will never forget.
I am just thinking and over thinking which I am so great at. lol. But realizing each day is what you deal with and worry about that day only. However, I am trying to cleanse my brain of all toxic thoughts, people and actions and keep it clean and clear.
I am trying to focus on things that are important and not things people might do, whether they realize it or not that will keep me thinking clearly and firmly in the positive. Of course there are negatives in life but I can still focus on what is the important and the real.
I am trying to keep any toxic people out of my life and out of my head. For those who suffer anxiety or panic, this is a must for us! We have to not re- think everything we say or do or that others say or do to us. it is what it is and people are who they are. Period.
We cannot change them but we can delete them from our lives in the way of letting them know we are no longer going to listen to negative thoughts about us or how we live. We have to go on and realize it is not our fault if someone tried to play on our weakness. It is only our fault if we let them.
So let’s be strong fellow sufferers and try to wipe all of that out and strengthen our hearts, minds and souls so we can recover in our own ways and enjoy life as it is. Have a GREAT day and stand STRONG!
We are in a Revolution America and racism and dividing us according to our races is pulling us apart. We need to unit as Americans. Why hate me because I am black, white, asian, latino, or any other race? We NEED to unite!
When it all comes down to the bottom line, we can work as a unit to help this Country and we can overcome anything thrown at us. But if we allow the media to continue to turn us against each other then we are in trouble.
We are all one nation, under God. We are allowing the media and our own personal feelings to cause us to turn on each other. The excuses of bad officers as an excuse for turning on each other is no excuse. There are good and bad people no matter what their profession or race. So let’s stop doing this and come together as a Country. United we WILL stand but DIVIDED we will fall.