I know. I just wrote about it. But I get writer’s block from so much time inside and I think of things I want to write about and then come here and bam. Blank. I cannot get the words. I am a bit agitated as well. plus all the Political things I try to avoid if I can so there is that. So I am back to using the Yoga to help me stay as calm as I can, the Meditation to help me to try and relax so I can write and lots of Prayer just to get me through. On top of that, my Empath/ Discernment is at an all time high. THAT does not help but I have tons of time to think and observe things socially online soooo… lol… Yes, I am just a tons of laughs! lol.
WHY? I sometimes ask myself that question. Often, actually. Why I chose to continue to listen to things said to me as a child. I would never be good enough, I was ugly, I caused problems, I was the reason people did bad things and on and on. I was just a kid. But as I was growing up, those thoughts that were seeded started to grow. On the outside, I seemed to be strong and confidant. On the inside I was a disaster waiting to happen.
And one day, it did happen. all of that negativity set in after the death of my second child. Walls inside started to crumble. A strong mind started to shift. I quit being honest. I just kind of fell apart. I caved in to all the thoughts and the toxic talk. My brain accepted it and I fell. Anxiety set in, doubts, fears and so much.
Now, after a lot of Prayer, Meditation, therapy, and positive thoughts I am starting to climb the crumbled wall of my mind back up to the top. Back to the Sun. I know i will rise above this fear and anxiety. it may take time but it took time to get there. Above all, I ask myself WHY did it take so long to realize those words were painful but not true. I don’t know. But as long as I am trying, I guess it does not matter. NEVER let someone’s toxic words or ways come into your head. It destroys. BUT, you can recover if you learn to stop believing them.
Only those who have it, get it. But it can drive us crazy if we try and over think what goes on with this way of Life. I am learning daily as I go how to try and calm it, forget what is so bothering me and people that emotionally drain me for their whatever. I am trying hard to help those in pain and hurt while also not letting those who try and hurt me get the best of me. So, I am learning as I go because for so long I didn’t even know what it was. Then when I did, No clue how to work it.
I will not get into the Politics. But I figured I will just come back to my peaceful place. here. I hope all have been well. I am up and off my anxiety ladder but holding in there. I am trolling through my Empath/Discerner world. I have prayed through turmoil. yes, I am doing some Yoga. I am holding in there and I hope all of you are as well! have a great day/evening!
I have learned…
To love more openly. To give more freely. To not let my Empath wires go crazy. That anxiety can be handled sometimes even when it is extreme. That is not easy but it can happen. To find some of my past interest and work on them. To appreciate. To hope. To try and reach out where I used to cling to aloneness. To laugh more, to fight harder. That I love my Country. To work harder on Yoga and prayer and meditation. To live.
I blogged the other day about finding a part of me again and it has been beautiful. I have also dealt with my mind. Is it the Empath in me or the anxiety telling me this is not okay? That this is not normal for my brain to feel happy. It is so hard but I know for those who live these things, it is very real. I still feel guilt if true happiness tries to climb in since my daughter didn’t get that. Then I feel That surge of the happiness trying to stay and so we battle.
I have been on an awakening journey the last few weeks and it has been crazy. I have faced my Anxiety demons and sometimes I lost and sometimes I won. I have listened to music, I have prayed. I have done Yoga and I have had times I just meditated but one thing I have realized is how much I have settled for things I didn’t have to. As an Empath I let other’s negativity and hate change me. I hid instead of standing up after getting tired of them beating me down. But I have realized I was the Victim because I allowed it. So, never settle for less than what you deserve. ever.
2020 has been the strangest year I have ever encountered I guess in my life. Viruses, hate, protest, division, monster bugs, new species of every area found, fires, tornadoes, tsunamis, hurricanes, draining of my discernment/empath mind, emotional vampires have been rampant. people losing their minds and the list goes on. Ouch! I have never seen a year like this one before and I have to say it has been so far a Mind Bender.! Wow! But I come here for the calm. The place where I share, care, read other blogs and have my read. So, I think today will be a reading day. I need some of YOUR writings to calm my storm and share in yours. or your anime, laughter, joy and tears. Have a great day/ night!
In this time of seclusions, changes and upturning World, the Empath mind is in a whirpool of Emotions. Or for me. It seems that the time I AM around others now is almost on super hype. Like they are sending thoughts into my brain. If you are not an Empath you will think I am crazy but if you are you will understand. It seems to have heightened my sense of reading people and at times just people I see on the street. It is crazy but I am letting much of it go to keep my sanity. Beware! the emotional vampires are on the rise as well as the thoughts that will make you feel like you are in overload. Shout out to my fellow Empaths. We are okay but probably struggling!
Sometimes I cry because this life can be so lonely and then others I am overwhelmed with joy at those times when I can be happy. It is so hard not to have friends. It is so hard to know you are not accepted like other people because you are just so blunt and so different. But then joy comes with the few who love you. Usually the younger ones or the ones who know your pain. I am in one of those modes today. Just crying because I feel so damn alone. But I come here at those times where I am accepted just as I am. I come here on the joy days to share some of the things I find funny. I come here just to feel accepted by others who have never even physically given me a hug. Sorry. Just a down day. lol. But I have the good days too and for that I am blessed.