Strange yes. But it is how a mind with anxiety can work. Today is a new day and yesterday is still stuck in the head. So while most have moved on, those with anxiety or panic are enjoying parts of today but still rehashing everything from yesterday or even three weeks ago.
It is a world of illusion, confusion and and even joy. So, while we battle this strange disorder we know there is hope. We are NOT mentally unstable, we are NOT crazy and we do NOT go out and harm people. lol. For some reason, I have read there are people who think that. No, we are normal but we just have panic and or anxiety or both. we think and re-think everything.
So, those times that we seem anxious, it is just trying to remind ourselves that we are fine and we cannot please everyone. we cannot worry over every little thing. we cannot change people who do not want to be in our lives. But we can refocus, we can learn to take our minds off over thinking and we can learn it is okay to be us. Because most people with anxiety or panic are over achievers, smart and we just have to settle our brains down.
I am sometimes so confused by people and life in general so i am learning to just smile and go on. We can be a light for others by our actions and for those who choose different paths or different ways to treat you just smile. And go on. Know that you are good, kind and a wonderful person and do not let negative people who put you down or ignore you or try and find reasons not to like you to go along their way,. It is not worth the effort to wrack our brains on what we did wrong. Nothing, we did nothing wrong.
In life itself, I just do not understand sometimes but there is a reason and a season for everything so again, just smile. Even if we have to grit our teeth while doing it. Because life is what it is and we just have to make the best of what we have and strive to keep getting better. We can control some things in life and some we cannot. But we can accept it and realize that being upset will not change it. Does that mean I never get upset? NO. I have a tendency to over think and to make huge volcanic moutains out of a tiny anthill. BUT, I am trying to change that. Stress less, smile more and sometimes, Grit your teeth while doing it. lol.
It has been a hectic week between being sick, working and trying to get projects done but I still was able to make progress. I had some stressful moments and one big one but got through it! I fight this battle with anxiety, depression and panic but at least I am fighting it and trying not to let it win.
I wish I could say there was a cure all but there, so far, is not. At least not for me. But I still keep at it, trying to ensure I have more good days that bad. I do not know why but the stress seems to build sometimes even on a good day. But, I take it as it comes. One battle at a time. I would love to be able to say that I am cured and hey, fantastic but I am better than I was three years ago or even two, so that is a start!
I do not know where it came from now almost four years ago but I fight it daily and I hate it. I love my life and I am happy but it is a happiness that is dependant on hoping and praying the depression or anxiety does not come. i fight it, I do yoga, I have tried so many things and I would have to say the depression is worse because it is harder to knock but the anxiety and panic are scary. I just wish they would visit a mountain for a while and let me get back to the me who was happy without fear or sadness.
I am so confused. I am a good person, I think. I just do not understand why so many people have turned away and just ignore me. I am always trying to help, come when needed, and I used to do anything and still do that I could to help. I baked all of the family Birthday cakes and on and on.
However, when I got this panic disorder a few years ago is when it started. I reached out to family and friends to see if anyone could come by or text or pray or just come sit for a couple of hours. I had one friend who came, a sister who came when my husband called and I do have some family I connect with but I was cursed, told I was trying to take advantage of them and that being kind and helping them did NOT mean I was supposed to expect ANYTHING in return.
Needless to say, that hurt. But if I am such a good person and people will not answer my fb post or textes or etc. I can only figure maybe it is because I am outspoken? I am a person who believes it is better to be honest than to be two- faced or like many people now, just be fake, smile, say everything is fine when deep down, they are suffering.
Then the people who want to be friends or close family but only if you agree with everything and never say a word about your issues or if you do, you have to be in awe with their solution and do it or they shun me. If one sister in particular is upset with me, anyone around her ends up not speaking to me. I was also bitter for a while when my daughter died but this year marked 11 years and for anyone who has lost a child, it still hurts. Of COURSE you go on but it hurts. I had five family members contact me to say they were thinking of me and I have a HUGE family.
We were always a close family until my daughter died and then the family got more critical of me each year. I am no saint by any means and I am sure my being outspoken does NOT help but is it me or them? Am I that bad?
Where did you go when you left me that day?
Did you go up to Heaven, did you go there to stay?
Do you come see me sometimes and watch what I do?
Are you proud of your mother and does it please you?
Do you cry when I get angry, hold me softly when I’m sad,
Are you really even there or do I just think that if I’m sad?
Do you have a new life there, do you live all your dreams?
Do you look down upon us and laugh at our schemes?
Are you happier now that you don’t need to grow old?
Do you see all the beauty God say’s we’ll behold?
I guess I’m a dreamer when I think you are here,
Saying, “It’s all good mom, be happy with cheer.
I still think of you every day more than you know,
or maybe you do know and I just have to let go.
Go I can do, let go I cannot,
The hole in my heart is left from the spot,
That you took with you then, when you left me that day.
I can learn to go on but you will never go away.
I love you Nik. Always. Love, Mom
I wish you could understand my world. But you cannot unless you live it. It is not a place you choose to be and they say many things can cause it but I can say that your love and trying to at least understand would mean more than all of the money in the world.
But you choose to see me as a weird person who is crazy or needs mental help because I go through this. Do not be so quick to judge. My panic only started three years ago. You could not understand it so you walked away from it. You chose to run from it like it might be contagious. It isn’t.
So, I have learned to deal with it on my own and some prayer. I have learned to accept that people will talk about me or judge me but I am the same as you. I just have an issue. Live my life and then maybe you can say i have no reason for panic. But I can promise if you ever have panic or anxiety, you will never think again like you do now.
But, I have a couple of people who are trying now to help and understand it. They are there even if they do not know what to do. They have held my hand and sat while I cried. But I am coming through the storm each day and learning that I am STILL the strong person I used to be just a little different in how I view people and life.
I walked alone for a while but there were foot prints in the sand I didn’t see.