I went through the next day, calling and thinking maybe you were trying to be a grown adult so you were not trying to get to a home phone but in my heart I knew. I had known since it happened I think that you were in that car wreck but my heart could not accept it. Finally, that evening, your sister called and said “Mom, did you check the hospitals?” I said, “No, but let me call her friend’s dad”. I didn’t want to call. I ask Dan to call her friends dad but I was scared. I whispered, “God, please let it be okay, please”. I heard Dan tell the dad, “No man, just hit me up? What is going on?” Then he came back into the room and fell to his knees. I knew.
It was her in the wreck but we were not allowed to be notified because only one person was thrown out of the car. It had somehow jumped the median from one side of the interstate to the other and was hit by an SUV. Then it rolled off to the side of the road and according to a witness, it exploded. Anyone inside the car was not able to be identified so we were not allowed to be called. Only that father. I went numb. I called your sister and told her to put her boyfriend on the phone. I asked him to bring her home. I knew from the girl who was thrown from the car that it was you. The dad said everyone was killed.
Someone called the family. People started coming. I think I was in a state of shock. All I remember the rest of that day was talking briefly to our moms and your dad’s mom who was telling me she was coming the next morning. I know people came and I know your sister was talking to people and Dan was and your friend from two streets over was there but that is it until the 19th. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I went and sat in your room and I cried.
February 19th. 2007
I am writing on a crap piece of paper I found and I am crying. I cannot do this. I cannot do this. I feel like I cannot breathe. I am crying so bad I think I will never stop. I miss you so much. You were the one in our family who kept us laughing. You looked at everything with hope and it was always, “It’s all good mom, and Where id the love?” when I got upset. You loved your sister like nothing else in this world. You loved people. You loved life. You loved Dan like he was your dad. You simply cannot be gone.
Granny came and your dad’s family is trying to help find out the facts. Your cousin that you are closest in age to is crying, your sister has been crying and so many but I cannot help them. Your cousin in Afghanistan called and he is crying because they won’t let him come home. Dear God, this cannot be real. It is all a very bad dream. Your Aunts and Uncles, cousins, grandparents, sister, Dan. All here Even your dad and his family. I am in house full of people but I am ALONE. So alone. I miss you so much. I cannot believe this is real.
Where did you go when you left me that day?
Did you go up to Heaven, did you go there to stay?
Do you come see me sometimes and watch what I do?
Are you proud of your mother and does it please you?
Do you cry when I get angry, hold me softly when I’m sad,
Are you really even there or do I just think that if I’m sad?
Do you have a new life there, do you live all your dreams?
Do you look down upon us and laugh at our schemes?
Are you happier now that you don’t need to grow old?
Do you see all the beauty God say’s we’ll behold?
I guess I’m a dreamer when I think you are here,
Saying, “It’s all good mom, be happy with cheer.
I still think of you every day more than you know,
or maybe you do know and I just have to let go.
Go I can do, let go I cannot,
The hole in my heart is left from the spot,
That you took with you then, when you left me that day.
I can learn to go on but you will never go away.
I love you Nik. Always. Love, Mom
I wish you could understand my world. But you cannot unless you live it. It is not a place you choose to be and they say many things can cause it but I can say that your love and trying to at least understand would mean more than all of the money in the world.
But you choose to see me as a weird person who is crazy or needs mental help because I go through this. Do not be so quick to judge. My panic only started three years ago. You could not understand it so you walked away from it. You chose to run from it like it might be contagious. It isn’t.
So, I have learned to deal with it on my own and some prayer. I have learned to accept that people will talk about me or judge me but I am the same as you. I just have an issue. Live my life and then maybe you can say i have no reason for panic. But I can promise if you ever have panic or anxiety, you will never think again like you do now.
But, I have a couple of people who are trying now to help and understand it. They are there even if they do not know what to do. They have held my hand and sat while I cried. But I am coming through the storm each day and learning that I am STILL the strong person I used to be just a little different in how I view people and life.
I walked alone for a while but there were foot prints in the sand I didn’t see.
Yesterday I was humbled by love. I made a Birthday cake for my sister. I hated it but my brother in law had so desperately wanted to get that cake made in time. But work, passing schedules and everything seemed it was not to be. I had the cake mix and items that had been purchased on my table so i decided to try and do it for him so my sis could have her cake.
I made it and I fussed at it and hated it because I couldn’t get the writing to come out of the tube right and I usually use my baggie and icing. Besides, I thought, “WHY is she going to care about this dumb stupid cake with so much going on?” I had given her her present and I figured she would probably just fling it out the window anyway when she had it was so horribly made. I was ill because i can make some pretty cakes but I just didn’t have the stuff needed yesterday.
She came by later and I ran out to the car to give her this thing of a cake and braced myself for the look of a pretend smile and trying not to hurt my feelings when she saw the hideous thing before her. She didn’t. She cried and thought it the most beautiful cake ever! She cried that my bro in law had wanted her to have it so bad and it got made. ON her Birthday.
I realized then that sometimes what we think is a horrible gift or something someone may not even want actually may be the one thing that “at that moment” is just what they need. I realized that all my fussing was worth every minute to realize how much a brown cake meant to my sister. And now I know why we, as humans, need each other. LOVE. A simple act of trying to show kindness can be just what the doctor ordered at that time.
So, next time you are looking for the “perfect gift”. it may come in the form of a brown cake, a hug, sharing tears, being there, or just saying I love you. Maybe it could be an act of showing up to help someone in whatever area of need they may have. No matter how small. Yesterday I felt humble. Thank you God for helping to remember how that feels.
I am starting to cut back on panic meds. Day two. Yesterday was one and a half and it went okay until I got under stress but I kept talking myself out of it and thank God, I did not take it. That is a MAJOR step for me.
I am starting to exercise again and I am learning to let go of toxic areas. By that, I mean when you are dealing with this kind of issue, it is a must to be able to talk to people who may not understand it but are willing to listen.
It is being able to have people who do not say you are insane or try and make you more upset or nervous but do whatever they do to help you through it. It might be listening, holding your hand, prayer, trying to understand you are in a place you may never have been before.
It may just be someone who can encourage you, lift you up and cheer you on as you struggle through what is a tough time for you. I have to say that letting go of some who could or would not try and at least understand and who did not desire to help because they were consumed in themselves (as we all are sometimes, including me) but just having compassion. Letting go of those situations helped more in a day than in the 2 and a half years I have been dealing with it.
I also found two books that are helping me to understand myself as a person and I am getting to know me. I am also grateful to my friends here on word press who have been and are on this journey with me. Thanks for the continued support. Thanks to all who have supported me.
And thank you to a beautiful person who just listened the other day. No judgment, just letting me be heard. And filling that with love that has never wavered.
If you want someone to listen, never say you are wrong, always be kind and never seem to make a mistake, befriend a nun. I hold few of those qualities because I am human.
My brother in law posted an article yesterday about Christians and cursing and so on. It detailed how we often judge when our sins are just the same and it gave light to many things. But where it struck home with me was in how I act and am. My husband is a contractor but he is also a Pastor.
Now, being I am human of course, I am not the typical Pastor’s wife. I can be quick tempered, I am found guilty of holding a grudge and not realizing it, I can hurt back when I am hurt and so many other things I do that are NOT what the Bible say’s to do to show how we should live.
There are probably MORE non- Christians doing good in this day and time than there are Christians. I am not trying to convert anyone because that is not my decision for anyone to make but I am writing this because I realize after reading that article that I am so at fault in so many areas.
I am by nature, kind, forgiving, and always desiring to help others if I can. I love, I have a compassion for animals and abused children but if I were not a person that believed in God, I would be much worse than I am. So, point being, fellow believers, the next time we look down on someone, judge someone, hate on someone or find we are holding back forgiveness when they hurt us, maybe it is time WE asked for forgiveness and learn to practice what we so quickly preach.