Sometimes I wonder what you might have been like today. For us moms who lost our babies before or shortly after birth.

I do not talk about you much at all. My little 1 pound 15 ounce baby boy Paul Ryan. It is not because I am ashamed but because the pain is so great of never knowing who you might have become. You lived two days before a vessel in your brain bled out. You were beautiful. And my only son that I know of.
After you, I had your sister Nikki and she was 3 pounds and 14 ounces and she lived to be 23 when she was taken from us in a car accident and that was another time my heart was torn. Then I kept trying and I had many two month pregnancies before your baby brother or sister ( I never knew) just didn’t make it. Time to dream but not enough time to know. Finally, I had your youngest sister, Amber and she is fine and has a little one of her own now.
But, you and Nikki and your unknown siblings are in Heaven. It hurts when I think of her and when I think of you. I guess it hurts more with you and Nikki because I saw you, I touched you, I kissed your faces. That doesn’t mean those I never met didn’t hurt though. I am so blessed to have one of you left here with me and I have so much joy from that and my little grand child of love.
I wish I could have watched you grow, play, laugh and see what it was like for a son of mine to become a man. But, I hold your little face in my heart and I love you all. I just sometimes wonder what my little boy would be like today. I love you Paul Ryan.

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I know you don’t like me but why?

I know you don’t like and many others don’t either but I don’t understand why. Is it because I am honest and say what I think? Is it because I can read people pretty well and you are aloof because you think I will see you for what you are? Maybe I see you as a really good person. Maybe I see you as hurting like me. Is that so bad?
Is it because I do anything I can for anyone? Yes, I am used by some people need me and shunned when they don’t many times but I am aware of it. I just choose to accept it. I am not dumb or just oblivious to what they are doing. I. just. accept. it. That does not make me a bad person. No, I am not fake. What you see is what you get but I guess if I am not with the “in people” of today, I am just too much. Why? Because I express my pain or hurt? Because I cry sometimes? Because I do not agree with everything you say or do? I don’t judge you. I just don’t agree with it and you can disagree with me and that is okay.
But still, you don’t like me. Why? I just do not understand.

Sometimes I get so angry that I can’t just be me …… And still be loved.

Sometimes I DO get angry that I cannot be accepted for who I am and still be loved. I understand I can be out spoken, that I do not live the way most do, happy, hiding behind pain, or some who are just fake and smile at everyone but talk about them behind their back. Or even just nice people who cannot deal with any emotions except joy and smiling and I do not begrudge them, they just have to be who they are and I love them anyway.

However, in most cases I cannot get the same back in return. Yes, I laugh and I have fun. But I do not hide my pain because I can’t. I survive this crazy world of panic and anxiety but I also know that brings with it a lot of over thinking and things like that. I am outspoken yes, but at least I am honest about it. I am REAL.

I do not have friends because people cannot take a blunt, open person I guess. Or they cannot face a person with “issues”. But sadly, they never meet the person with the big heart who will do anything I can for anyone. Who cries for those who are broken. Who wants to be a part of things but sometimes I am aware I will not be accepted.

I just want to know why people can’t accept me as I am and still love me?

A day in the life of Humans with anxiety..

We are so complicated, each of us unique in our way. But the more I watch people, myself included, I realize we are all unique yet alike in many ways. We say we could care less but we do care. Somewhere deep inside, we really do. We hide our feelings and some of us express them maybe too much but others bottle them up until they explode like a volcano until it explodes.
We forgive but some forgive and hold on while some of us forgive and get hurt over and over but we still do it. We laugh when we want to cry or cry when we want to laugh. We wish people understood what we go through but when we try to explain it, they just cannot understand even when they try.
Our world is a chaotic, upside down, fairground where anything can happen. We can and most of us do control it but when the fear sets in it is real.And it hits in so many different ways. Mine is usually with people. I know for me, I have a hard time telling when someone is mad or it is just my over thinking mind telling me that.
We are unique yes, but we are also some of the most compassionate humans who want love and be loved on the planet. Because we know and face fear or run from it everyday. We live in a large multi colored bubble of feelings and we battle it everyday.

Panic and the chaos that surrounds it….

I wish you could understand my world. But you cannot unless you live it. It is not a place you choose to be and they say many things can cause it but I can say that your love and trying to at least understand would mean more than all of the money in the world. But you choose to see me as a weird person who is crazy or needs mental help because I go through this. Do not be so quick to judge. My panic only started three years ago. You could not understand it so you walked away from it. You chose to run from it like it might be contagious. It isn’t. So, I have learned to deal with it on my own and some prayer. I have learned to accept that people will talk about me or judge me but I am the same as you. I just have an issue. Live my life and then maybe you can say i have no reason for panic. But I can promise if you ever have panic or anxiety, you will never think again like you do now. But, I have a couple of people who are trying now to help and understand it. They are there even if they do not know what to do. They have held my hand and sat while I cried. But I am coming through the storm each day and learning that I am STILL the strong person I used to be just a little different in how I view people and life. I walked alone for a while but there were foot prints in the sand I didn’t see.
I am re-posting some of my blogs that helped get through.

Those little things that keep us going…..

Sometimes when we feel like we have been knocked down so many times and we are about to just say whatever, it is the little things that keep us going. A smile, a song. laughter, friends, a simple hello from someone you love or even a kiss from your dog or a purrrr from your cat when you pet it.
It might be something in the mail or a note from your child or beloved. Maybe your grown child sends a text just to say hi or how are you? So many times people think they have to do something big to show their love or lift someone’s spirits but no, little things mean just as much.
So, keep that in mind if you need it and do it to someone else to start something going or if you know someone who may need a lift up.. do something little because it beats nothing at all and it may mean the world to them.