I am just at a drained state of mind. Mentally, I am just at a point where I just cannot even think at times clearly. I have no clue how it came about or what is causing it but it has drained me from writing, art and other things. maybe just the last year has been building up or maybe my mind just needs some serious not over thinking time. Either way, i hope to be more clear headed soon so I can get back to it.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I realized I have spent the last few years often criticized or ‘helped’ by telling me all the things I do or say wrong. It never mattered that I was ready to help anyone who called my ‘honesty’ was too much, my way of saying things was too ‘blunt’ and the list has gone on and on. Today, I realized that no, I just am who I am. Outspoken, loyal, standing up for what I believe in, blunt and at times I am sure, just like everyone prone to have bad moments and days I am just not great to been around. But for once I realize my good outweighs the bad. I may be all the things that were said but my heart is kind and loving. So, take it or leave, I think I like me just the way, I am and who I was designed to be.
Sometimes I cry because this life can be so lonely and then others I am overwhelmed with joy at those times when I can be happy. It is so hard not to have friends. It is so hard to know you are not accepted like other people because you are just so blunt and so different. But then joy comes with the few who love you. Usually the younger ones or the ones who know your pain. I am in one of those modes today. Just crying because I feel so damn alone. But I come here at those times where I am accepted just as I am. I come here on the joy days to share some of the things I find funny. I come here just to feel accepted by others who have never even physically given me a hug. Sorry. Just a down day. lol. But I have the good days too and for that I am blessed.
I have no idea why but EVERY full moon and the night before I just cannot get to sleep. I do not even know if this is normal but I know it is agitating! I just wonder if anyone else has this issue? Not a long post but I am just curious because it is so weird!
I just could NOT sleep. My brain was in over drive and I could not stop focusing on everything going on and then why we cannot all unite. Then my mind was on what I needed to clean. That was an hour or so. Then I was thinking about who was mad, why they were mad and how to resolve any conflicts so we could all function as a Tribe. (people I know). lol. Then I was worried about whether someone might think about the flowers I planted. They look a bit chaotic. And of course, then I would re-think some more on the dumbest stuff. Needless to say, I scored four hours. Only because I passed out. lol. Have a great day/night fellow bloggers.
I have realized that my anxiety is best buddies with my Empath/ Discernment ability. Sooooo, on top of the anxiety I have a few people who are playing in my mind and yes, it is getting to me. I know, I need to blank them out but right now I cannot and it is an emotional drain on my stressed brain. So I am just trying to use ANY form of ANYTHING to divert my mind from them. This gift is a blessing and in some ways, a hard blessing. So today to all my fellow struggling Empaths, if you are having my kind of day or week, you are NOT alone. OMGOSH. 🙂 Have a great day/evening fellow bloggers!
Anyone who has this ability knows it can be lonely. I scare my own family sometimes much less try to make friendships but it is a gift that I have learned and I am still learning to control in certain ways. Friends are few or none because they know that I am honest in my perspective and it doesn’t take long for them to realize that I do know, feel and sense their inner shell as opposed to their outer so alas, they kind of fall of the friendship wall. But, I also learned there are times that in our lives, I have to shut up and leave it alone. It just is not worth it. So I avoid the Emotional Vampires the best I can but I also try to help as much as I can until I have to recharge. My thoughts on that for the day. Have a great night/day fellow bloggers!
I call them the great pretenders because they are so nice to me but I know that when I turn my back, most of them are the first jab a knife in there while they run around telling their “peeps” everything mistake I could possibly make and if there isn’t one, trust me, they can find SOMETHING. It is hard when the people you care about do not care back. For whatever reason, I get chosen as the scapegoat for all of the things that are wrong. So, I am learning to let it go (very hard) and just pretend I do not know and I just stay and play nice. Honesty is not allowed. Only if they need me for something am I wonderful again. But I am also learning to love myself and if that is how they choose to be then at least they do not suck my emotional heart out anymore. Sometimes, just turning around and emotionally walking away is more healing than trying to gain someone’s love.
Do you feel things that others do not? Do you feel others joy and pain on a deep level? Can you “read” when people are lying and find out later you are right? Do you have the awareness of tuning in when people are being fake and you can discern a fake person right when or not long after meeting them? Do you often find yourself knowing a person is on the prowl? There are so many different areas of this that it would take 50 more blogs to fill it all in. But just wanted to see how many others are like me. 🙂 Hugs!
Too many tears, so many lies, mistrust is never far.
Lost empty fear which divides the heart.
Chains of wisdom and chains of fear bind so many.
As they struggle between trust, love and abandonment.
Trying to conquer the demons within
While looking through rose colored panes.
Sadness, rejection, hopeful, hopeless, blessed, feeling cursed, drained but determined.
Happy yet angry, loved and loving but crazy with despair.
Sun shines, rain falls, bleak hope while searching for that silver lining.
Love, hate, hurt, heal, tortures of the soul.
Broken again, Broken can heal, Broken can be stitched back together
But Broken will always shows the scars of the Journey.