I thought of you as I walked on the beach, sand crunching beneath my feet.
I listened to the sounds of crashing waves you loved so much
as they rush onto the sand and soothe our soul.
I waited, Thinking you might just walk up beside me but I knew it was a dream and you were not here.
I went to the place where we put you to rest,
but to me it is just empty and useless.
You are not here, you never have been.
I look at your photo so many times and fantasize that I could change the events that day and tell you not to get in that car but I know better.
Times does NOT heal all wounds but it just soothes the pain over time so we can survive.
Love does not die, it is just here in my heart and I feel it when I think of you, look at your photo and remember the life we had together.
I wish I had known so many things when you were here that I know now
but I learned them when you went away. When I realized you were truly gone.
The sweet singing of birds, Children laughing, people smiling.
Butterflies dancing on the flowers, Bees flitting about.
A card or note sent to say I love you, a hug when needed.
ladybugs with their beautiful colors and flowers that color our world.
A baby that smiles for the first time, your child say’s their first word.
Your significant other brings you flowers, you give them the gift they have been wanting and you both smile.
The sound of falling rain, the shaking of thunder.
The world is full of so many beautiful things. We just have to look and take in a breath.
I was very down and out last night and feeling a bit discouraged because my life is spent trying to do for others. As humans we NEED to be there for others and likewise. So, I did an experiment. Since I am told so often by people who troll my facebook but do not comment or rarely respond that is is nothing and means nothing, although they are on but hide it so I cannot see it, I wanted to see just how popular it actually was. So I wrote something so out of character that it would take a pretty strange person not to pick up on that something was off key if you know me at all.
I also wanted to see if people just refuse to answer anything they do not like or if they just don’t care. I gauged by writing the post and then seeing how active they were over night. Surprise! Not. They were active all night and a.m. (I trolled myself) and I had two responses. Just two but they were checking all of my other post. The scariest part? It was a post that should have alerted people something was wrong. No I am not suicidal and I DO love my life even among my issues but now I know why people do commit suicide. They reach out but they do not see or feel it in their soul that anyone cares, even if people did. I also discovered social media is VERY active and important to society.
Sometimes I have really,really bad days. But on those days I try hard to find beauty in something. My marigolds with their bright and multi colored schemes, the wild kittens that came from nowhere and play in those tall Marigold bushes. Yeah, I planted so many they look like bushes as opposed to individual plants. 🙂 I look at the sky and struggle to find whatever shapes i can to get my mind off the drudgery.
I also find beauty on my good days. My wonderful pets who snuggle or my cats who are aliens. I never figure them out. One minute they want to be petted and the next,they act like wild cats and pounce on me unsuspected. I smile at the joy my little Ki brings as she reads me books and tells me about her imaginary journeys from these books.
I find a smile when i look at my girls photos, one who left this earth so many years ago but her smile in that photo reminds of her life and the joy she brought us with it. My other daughter with her determination and sometimes, too much like mine stubborn yet open personality. I find joy in the catio my husband made so the pets could be protected from predators.
There is a lot of hate in this world but maybe if we can focus on the beautiful, we can get through it and live for the moment if nothing else.
I do not talk about you much at all. My little 1 pound 15 ounce baby boy Paul Ryan. It is not because I am ashamed but because the pain is so great of never knowing who you might have become. You lived two days before a vessel in your brain bled out. You were beautiful. And my only son that I know of.
After you, I had your sister Nikki and she was 3 pounds and 14 ounces and she lived to be 23 when she was taken from us in a car accident and that was another time my heart was torn. Then I kept trying and I had many two month pregnancies before your baby brother or sister ( I never knew) just didn’t make it. Time to dream but not enough time to know. Finally, I had your youngest sister, Amber and she is fine and has a little one of her own now.
But, you and Nikki and your unknown siblings are in Heaven. It hurts when I think of her and when I think of you. I guess it hurts more with you and Nikki because I saw you, I touched you, I kissed your faces. That doesn’t mean those I never met didn’t hurt though. I am so blessed to have one of you left here with me and I have so much joy from that and my little grand child of love.
I wish I could have watched you grow, play, laugh and see what it was like for a son of mine to become a man. But, I hold your little face in my heart and I love you all. I just sometimes wonder what my little boy would be like today. I love you Paul Ryan.
Sometimes I DO get angry that I cannot be accepted for who I am and still be loved. I understand I can be out spoken, that I do not live the way most do, happy, hiding behind pain, or some who are just fake and smile at everyone but talk about them behind their back. Or even just nice people who cannot deal with any emotions except joy and smiling and I do not begrudge them, they just have to be who they are and I love them anyway.
However, in most cases I cannot get the same back in return. Yes, I laugh and I have fun. But I do not hide my pain because I can’t. I survive this crazy world of panic and anxiety but I also know that brings with it a lot of over thinking and things like that. I am outspoken yes, but at least I am honest about it. I am REAL.
I do not have friends because people cannot take a blunt, open person I guess. Or they cannot face a person with “issues”. But sadly, they never meet the person with the big heart who will do anything I can for anyone. Who cries for those who are broken. Who wants to be a part of things but sometimes I am aware I will not be accepted.
I just want to know why people can’t accept me as I am and still love me?
We, so many of us, search for the impossible dream.
Only to find it was there all along.
It wasn’t money, it wasn’t fame, it wasn’t popularity or being the best.
It is a smile from someone who cares
The soft flow of a brezze
The kiss and hug from a child
The sound of ocean waves as they roll onto the beach
Birds singing a song
A beautiful world filled with flowers and mountains and so much The joy of being loved.
It is there. We just have to look and the search stops.