It doesn’t have to be the world as I view it. The world is full of people who would rather ignore someone they love as opposed to helping them through difficult times. We live in a world where we are expected to be all smiles and happy and joyful and many, many days we are. We strive to be and feel the happiness we know is within. We are not miserable, hateful people. We long to feel love of others, we WANT to see the rainbow behind the clouds.
We love our life and we know our blessings. We are happy with what we have been given but we are different. The depression, anxiety or panic take over at times and we are so desperately trying to escape it that we do see the sun. But it is not because we don’t want to, we can’t. We still function as normal people but we react a little different. Things that regular people just brush off, we take it personal.
We live a world of sometimes thinking we will never be able to do enough, love enough and at times we may even try to buy the love of others. We KNOW you do not understand the pain. But it doesn’t have to be like this. Just try and look inside of us. Try to read about what we go through. Try to understand that we want and eventually WILL be able to get through this but just sometimes, a hand held, a smile given, a word of encouragement or just listening can pull us through. It doesn’t have to be this way. But it is.
Not a day goes by that I do not think of you. I look at your picture and that beautiful smile. Sometimes, when my heart can take it, I think of all of the memories. I miss so much about you and I know you are in a better place now but some days are just more painful than others.
I miss how you made us all laugh in this family and when you died, I say that word now but for years I just couldn’t, it is like you took a ray of sunshine from this family unit with you.
You were such a beautiful soul and I know people say that a lot about loved ones they miss but you truly were. you were so unique and so beautiful in spirit and heart. Your heart was kind and forgiveness came easily to you. I just want you to know, I. love. you. Always. Love,
Kudos to all you wonderful people who are there for those who are anxious, depressed or have panic. We ARE still the same people but we are just trapped in a prison we have no idea how to escape from. But there are good days too when the light shines through. Fight or Flight? Easier said than done when the fear of sadness hits. Me? I run when it is bad or at least my brain does. When I fight it then that is usually when I lash out to protect myself.
Oddly, I identify with children and animals and they ease my fear and pain. I am often best when someone else is in a state of whatever and I am calm and I help them. But, often during the fight as opposed to flight, I am bold like the old me and I stand up for myself against the people who condemn me me. Often those who claim to love and follow the scripture. They might want to read some of that again.
Either way, for those who stand by us and BELIEVE in us, THANK YOU is not enough, even if we may not show it.
Another long journey of people upset or mad or hurt because I reacted differently than I should. They are right that they do not understand but the way to help is to accept what makes me “strange” to them and maybe try and understand instead of turning their backs and saying, “We don’t deserve this”. Well, I don’t either but here I am. I spent my life until 3 and a half years ago trying to help people, animals, family, friends, etc. until the trauma I guess from the last few years or something from my childhood gave me anxiety, depression and panic attacks. I have an issue but I am not mentally ill only emotionally traumatized by the power of anxiety. The worst reaction I can get is being disowned again. I am not a bad person but I do see some things differently. I just don’t play roles. I am who I am. Loved by very many isn’t one of them. The bridge is easier to cross if someone is there holding your hand.
They will never understand. They will never try to understand or they just can’t. Depression, anxiety, panic, alone or the feeling of it, is not contagious. But here we are, one day doing great and the next, falling apart. We try and struggle. Do they think we chose this or understand why we are going through it all? It is like a pit viper who catches you off guard when you stumble upon it.
We never asked for this and God knows we battle the demons that seek us out. We laugh through the pain, we cry alone and we search for anything to help us to get through. We seek love and acceptance from those who refuse to see that we ARE different and we NEED to be understood or at least loved through dark moments.
But sometimes, if people cannot see an illness, they do not get it. But most of all, in this world today, we have to be happy, smiling and ready to be “cured” because life is about being perfect. No, life is about reality and accepting that someone you love may be different because Life has made them different through different circumstances. We just need people to say hey, maybe I do not understand but here, let me hold your hand so you know you are not alone in this battle.
I do not talk about you much at all. My little 1 pound 15 ounce baby boy Paul Ryan. It is not because I am ashamed but because the pain is so great of never knowing who you might have become. You lived two days before a vessel in your brain bled out. You were beautiful. And my only son that I know of.
After you, I had your sister Nikki and she was 3 pounds and 14 ounces and she lived to be 23 when she was taken from us in a car accident and that was another time my heart was torn. Then I kept trying and I had many two month pregnancies before your baby brother or sister ( I never knew) just didn’t make it. Time to dream but not enough time to know. Finally, I had your youngest sister, Amber and she is fine and has a little one of her own now.
But, you and Nikki and your unknown siblings are in Heaven. It hurts when I think of her and when I think of you. I guess it hurts more with you and Nikki because I saw you, I touched you, I kissed your faces. That doesn’t mean those I never met didn’t hurt though. I am so blessed to have one of you left here with me and I have so much joy from that and my little grand child of love.
I wish I could have watched you grow, play, laugh and see what it was like for a son of mine to become a man. But, I hold your little face in my heart and I love you all. I just sometimes wonder what my little boy would be like today. I love you Paul Ryan.
I know you don’t like and many others don’t either but I don’t understand why. Is it because I am honest and say what I think? Is it because I can read people pretty well and you are aloof because you think I will see you for what you are? Maybe I see you as a really good person. Maybe I see you as hurting like me. Is that so bad?
Is it because I do anything I can for anyone? Yes, I am used by some people need me and shunned when they don’t many times but I am aware of it. I just choose to accept it. I am not dumb or just oblivious to what they are doing. I. just. accept. it. That does not make me a bad person. No, I am not fake. What you see is what you get but I guess if I am not with the “in people” of today, I am just too much. Why? Because I express my pain or hurt? Because I cry sometimes? Because I do not agree with everything you say or do? I don’t judge you. I just don’t agree with it and you can disagree with me and that is okay.
But still, you don’t like me. Why? I just do not understand.