Panic, Loss and trying to live happy……

As you all know now, I still suffer from panic and anxiety and through counseling, I learned it is from traumatic events that I blocked away because it came on, oh about 4 and half years ago. When I finally faced the demons of my daughters death, other things surfaced. Things that had happened that I tucked safely away in my mind. I guess her death opened Pandora’s box.
Life goes on and I am happy in so many ways and thankful but till those old ghost come out at times to taunt me. I do not understand it because I try to just let them go but they linger. Having some of my family’s support once they tried to understand has helped a lot but other members that I loved so much just turned their backs and found reasons to blame me for their reason of not being around. Some of it still confuses me.
They came up with anything they could. But, in the long run, I have to get past that, try to live happy and realize some people, family or not just do not care. They live behind their walls of blame and I wish they would be the Christians they say they are but the Bible I read tells me they should be that way. I know I can be difficult when I have these moments but no amount of trying to explain reaches their ears or hearts.
But, I have to go on, enjoy the family that does care and realize that I cannot depend on them but on me and realize not everyone can handle a family member who has “issues”. So, I am but I have to say, it is hard. So, I am just doing it and for those like me, I just wanted you to know, it is okay. We can do it.

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Thank you to those who stand beside us…. And understand us……

Kudos to all you wonderful people who are there for those who are anxious, depressed or have panic. We ARE still the same people but we are just trapped in a prison we have no idea how to escape from. But there are good days too when the light shines through. Fight or Flight? Easier said than done when the fear of sadness hits. Me? I run when it is bad or at least my brain does. When I fight it then that is usually when I lash out to protect myself.
Oddly, I identify with children and animals and they ease my fear and pain. I am often best when someone else is in a state of whatever and I am calm and I help them. But, often during the fight as opposed to flight, I am bold like the old me and I stand up for myself against the people who condemn me. Often those who claim to love and follow the scripture. They might want to read some of that again.
Either way, for those who stand by us and BELIEVE in us, THANK YOU is not enough, even if we may not show it.

My Blog is About Reality Life….

I do occasionally put some humor on here, lol, but I started blogging for those people like me who need to hear about lives that are not always happy and glorious and for people who live with the loss of a child or anxiety,
panic or live with someone who has these issues. Autism (my oldest daughter) ADHD, OCD (me) and so we could all relate or maybe someone wanted to knw what it is .

But I also love to read the happy blogs and the blogs about photography and just fun things because they lift me up! I love to see the smiles, the flowers, the gardens or old landmarks and just everything. So, of course in an already dismal world, my page is not as popular as others but I never expected it to be.
But that is what I love about the beauty of blogging. We can all be ourselves and share with each other our realities and our lives.

Reflecting Back……………..

I have been doing good and having a majority of good days but today started off thus far kind of back sliding. I woke at 5:30 a.m. with pain across my breast bone. I fell back asleep but when I got up for the day, it was still there gnawing at me. I got nervous, of course and went to look it up. I RARELY do that anymore but of course you know how we get at pains or scary unknown hurts.

It seems to be common an I hope it is but at first, one of the signs was heart attack. I pray not because it is gone mostly now but the dumb thing about panic and anxiety that I hate is that it is often confused with heart attack so it is always scary.

Needless to say, I had to have some calm down time. It is so crazy this secret world we live in because it is mixed with joy, fear, happy and scared. So, I am now at a calmer state but I wish they could come up with a magic watch that tells us what is actually going on. Kind of like a built in heart monitor on the watch that beeps out, “NO, you are fine. This is NOT heart related or NO you are fine, it is a stomach thing. I have Crohn’s so that doesn’t help sometimes.

So today, I will probably worry but I TRY no to run to urgent care at every pain. Then I just hope and pray I am right and if it doesn’t get better I guess I end up going. However, that is the stupid up and down of anxiety and/or panic and it just plain sucks sometimes. So, I will try to be positive, reflect on my blessings and just relax.

Thank you for believing in us….even through the storms.

Kudos to all you wonderful people who are there for those who are anxious, depressed or have panic. We ARE still the same people but we are just trapped in a prison we have no idea how to escape from. But there are good days too when the light shines through. Fight or Flight? Easier said than done when the fear of sadness hits. Me? I run when it is bad or at least my brain does. When I fight it then that is usually when I lash out to protect myself.
Oddly, I identify with children and animals and they ease my fear and pain. I am often best when someone else is in a state of whatever and I am calm and I help them. But, often during the fight as opposed to flight, I am bold like the old me and I stand up for myself against the people who condemn me. Often those who claim to love and follow the scripture. They might want to read some of that again.
Either way, for those who stand by us and BELIEVE in us, THANK YOU is not enough, even if we may not show it.

It was during the storm that I needed you… Not when the sun came .

It was and is at the worst times of my life that I need you, not during the good. The good times are when we can laugh together. But to be able to laugh, it is so needed to have you there when it is storming in my mind, the rain is pouring, I have prayed, cried, tried, or done anything to make this chaos go away.
You always have an excuse or “it is my fault” but love is about being there during those times. You are for others. When I am at my worst is when I need you to be there at your best. I never knew that being there when I was needed but then asking for help when I need it would result in so much judgment. I thought that was what love was for. I believe, of course, I will get through it but I just needed you. And you were gone until everything was fine again. But it has always been that way.

I am…. well, just me….

I can be funny, I can be hard, I can be sweet and i am sometimes sad. I love, i live and I get mad. I am human with all the mistakes that go with it. I am loyal and will defend someone I love even when they emotionally slap me in the face. But inside, I am pretty much an okay person. I will help anyone that I can. I will stand up for what I believe in. I can be annoying. I can be the biggest pain to deal with but I still am one of the best friends a person could ever have. i am strong for my family, weak by myself but a fighter. I fight to battle anxiety and I battle to be good in a world gone crazy. Sometimes, yeah, i am just too much. But at the end of the day. I. Am. Just. Me……..