Why is it still so damn hard? …..

It has been 12 years today since you left us. I thought this year was going to be easier that before years because I had not been crying as much but I woke in tears this morning. Just that quick. But it is what it is. I guess my philosophy on it is that it is the life of a parent who has lost a child or children and I have lost two. But it is just weird how some years I got through with laughter, most with tears but still I would thing ok all the blessings I DO have and that she never suffered and that she is probably happier now. But like one guy said the other day, “When people say God needed another angel, that is great until yours is taken.” Just a tough day I guess. Love to all of us who have lost our children.

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Yoga and anxiety…….

Does yoga help anxiety? Yes it does. and it not only calms your mind, you can also lose weight and there are just a lot of benefits to yoga. People think it is easy that have never tried it but actually yoga has used muscles I didn’t even know I had. It also stretches the body and I personally love yoga. It is NOT like I said, as easy as it looks and at first I was curious as to what benefits I could even get but it has proven to be so great! My advice? Give it a try if you want to relax your mind, tone your body, help with anxiety and so much more!

Learning to breathe………………..

I am learning to breathe through all of this. The hurt, the pain, the loss and the heartache. But in learning to catch a breath, I am realizing the joy of living among the pain. I am learning to see the beauty in the many wonderful things I have in my life. I can be and I can hurt but I can also love, laugh and enjoy. Learning to breathe.

Learning to overcome…..

I am learning to overcome things that make me anxious, learning being the key word. I do great and then it seems that tiny things will cause me to stumble. So, I am just bumbling along on my journey, enjoying some great days and then falling down when I have days that every tiny thing will make me fall down.
But I AM learning and I AM trying so I see that as a fantastic step up from where I was a year ago! I know those who suffer from panic and anxiety like I do will understand how hard this walk is and how strong you have to try and be to overcome it. Maybe I can overcome this but if not, maybe I can learn to live with it a little bit better. Have a great evening!

I travel many roads in my mind…..

I travel many roads in my mind. I walk roads of heartache and pain and roads of joy and laughter. I walk down roads where I feel panic rising up and others where I feel no panic at all. I am always on this road of trying to find the positive out the negative, hope from despair, calm out of the storm and love from all of the hate. But in all of the roads in my mind that I travel, I live in the middle in a cottage in my mind where I find something to live for everyday. And I feel blessed.

If you don’t understand at least show you love them..

We ALL go through bumps in the road, chaos, and so many things and for some of us it is a little different. We have lost children, suffer from anxiety or other things that cannot be seen like a physical illness but that is when I have been shunned the most. How many TIMES do I have to say, YOU do not understand and I am not asking you to but PLEASE over look the times I freak out or I am going through depression and be there as opposed to writing me off because I should not have “acted” that way and you cannot take it anymore.
Along with my issues, I am also the first one to jump when someone needs help or is hurting or needs a friend. I wish sometimes I had people who say they love me who would do the same for me but I have been just cast out of the “group” because I am too overly emotional and it is affecting their happiness. So sad because when they need me, they find a reason to come running back. I do not fit in anymore but it really showed me the difference in my loyalty and theirs. I would still be there if they called and said they needed me.

I had to let go…To Live

I had to let go of some of the people I love and hold dear to my heart. But to live, I had to let them go. I was tired of being told I was just “thinking” that, it was all in my head, that I was “in a dark place”. Why? Because I over think. Because I have anxiety. But, they never admitted they would not answer me when I sent things to them or they would avoid me or just so many things that as long as I did things their way, they were willing to help (which was one call they would accept from me maybe one every two weeks or so).
As long as I never got upset, just smiled, laughed and did everything that they deemed normal. Emotions were not allowed or I was in need of help. Does it hurt? Yes. But do I feel stronger? Oh yeah. Sometimes letting go is your road to recovery.