It has been a few years since you died. I used to not even be able to say that word but do now because you did. You took a piece of my heart with you. This time of year is hard because you loved Holidays. I laugh, I enjoy your nieces and i enjoy life but it does not change the loss of you. My heart still cries and I still cry. Not everyday but I think of you everyday.
People say I changed well yeah. I did. I lost something worth more than any money in the World. I lost you. I am blessed to have your sister and her precious babies. you would have been the best Aunt ever. I laugh with them. The oldest 12, knows all about you and she even writes you notes and ask about your life. The baby is only 15 months so of course she doesn’t yet. Your sister misses having someone to talk to. I miss your laughter and how you never took life so seriously. Little things were that. Nothing to stress over.
You had challenges with Autism but you made it through struggle after struggle. I am a bit harsher now with life. I am not the old me. but I don’t have to be. the “new” me that came a bit after you died saw life from a different view. I still love, I still feel blessed with your sister and family but I will get “over” losing you. I love you. Always. Love, mom.
I was feeling great, getting back to writing and then woke over week ago with intense pain and had to go to the Hospital. I knew I had Crohn’s but four years of Holistic meds( after Doctor’s methods caused bad reactions) and etc. I was doing great and I was thinking maybe they misdiagnosed me. Then it hit. I had to take antibiotics where it had given me an infection. I am better now or at least it seems that way but wow, I realized how harsh it can be. Now, hopefully I can get back on track with my daily musings that I use to help with anxiety and more. So, Yoga has been slow but I can do a little. I am using a small bit of Tai Chi and of course a lot of prayer.
As many of you know, I have issues with Anxiety and being an Empath/ Discerner on top of that can be hard. It has taken a lot of tears, breakdowns, sadness and depression during this past year to really evaluate some things. But I have also become stronger. I have learned, to a degree how to control the feeling of others hurt, wrath, pain and out right attempts to punish me for what I believe in. What I HAVE learned is that the stress brought on an Ulcer and I HAVE to let go of some things. It is a true struggle only Empaths / Discerners can understand as to why it is so hard but I am just throwing positive thoughts into my mind everyday. I am learning to stop listening or to stop reading emails, or texts or anything designed to cause me upset. It is VERY hard but I am learning and that is what matters. Have a great day/evening where ever your are fellow bloggers!
I have been reading your stuff, looking at photos and so on. Then it just popped in my head (happens a lot) that even though I have anxiety, why is it called a mental illness? I think it should be an emotional illness. Even though emotions come from the mind, it is still an emotional reaction from our souls I believe and our hearts. I have extreme emotion which at times causes anxiety but it is because I am too loyal, too loving and I think deeply. But my anxiety comes from my heart and soul so I call it an emotional illness not mental. Just me of course in my ranting thought s during reading. Now I am back to reading. lol. 🙂
I hate naps. I do not have time to take naps during the day and I don’t like them because they disrupt the time at night when I already have trouble sleeping. But, after three days of bad dreams, anxiety, and over thinking, I woke up this morning just exhausted so I caved and took a nap for an hour. Wow! It helped a lot and I feel so much better. Maybe a daily nap here and there is not so bad after all. 🙂
So much has changed in this new “normal”. Locked in, facetime for family and friends, mask, anxiety, Fear, sickness, tears, a longing to be with those you love, a desire to be in that church you always assumed would be open. The Yoga classes, the gym and the work place where it was always such a chore. the schools where our children met, learned and played. This new “normal” has sucked in so many ways. But there have been blessings too. Learning to appreciate what we took for granted. The freedom to see who we wanted when we wanted, the ones who loved being alone then found that having the opportunity to get out taken away made some of us want to reach out. It has made me have such an appreciation for things I just never worried about. I never knew wearing a mask could be so weird but I know how those with cancer must have felt or feel. The blessings have been seeing just how much we will now absorb and breathe in the ability to be able to be free again. So, along with the chaos cam the blessing of learning again how precious life can be.
I am trying to replace negative thoughts and mindset with a positive one. I just an extreme over thinker and I am also an Empath/ Discerner so that can be hard but I am learning slowly to replace those negatives with a positive. So, when I worry about a person or a thing and if, for example, they are mad or upset or if I have done something, I replace it with No, there is nothing I have done and if I have, I apologize but like I used to. I do not worry now for days and every minute. I just replace with the thought that I did what i could so there. When I over worry about what could happen, I stay in the moment and realize I am fine for now. It is a very long process but at least I am giving it my best shot. i am also doing positive imaging. Try to place positive images in my mind. So, that is my place for now!
No matter what your belief, color, political thoughts, profession, etc. I just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas from me. I hope love is filled in all of our homes and we can grab some positive from somewhere on this Holiday. We are all on the same Island called life and so we can all be united in that if nothing else. I hope for those of us who are mourning that something will bring a smile from someone we miss or something that is bringing us down. so, here is a virtual hug and a smile filled with love from me to you.
There is no doubt 2020 has thrown us for a loop. But it has also been a time when Our World had to stop for a while and it was a time for me to reflect on so many things. The way that i had to be at home and try to avoid Covid helped me to appreciate the times I never wanted to leave my house. It made me desire to just get out and be able t go. It showed me how to use my ability as an Empath/Discerner to cope with people. It taught me that it takes more than Yoga, prayer, and meditation to deal with anxiety because we need other humans. It has taught me to appreciate things I took for granted. It broke me in some ways but it has built me in others. have a great day/night fellow bloggers.
I AM excited. I do not know how or what brought it on or how I found it again except maybe through the music, time with myself, prayer or a dream i had. Maybe a combination of all. But I remembered her and I feel her inside of me. The part that was confident. The honest yet caring person. The happy person who approached life head on. The person who didn’t live with anxiety but hope and belief that it will work out. I lost all of that person somewhere and maybe I didn’t get but a part of her back but it was a part I needed really bad. i am hopeful this will help the current me to get back the part of me that helped me to love, laugh, be happy and survive. I realized that I AM happy of course but I felt guilt with it. I hope finding that old me brings itself to me now.