I see your picture every morning. I think about you everyday. You made me smile and I know you still watch over me. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss our chaotic, happy, silly life we shared. You brought us so much laughter and joy. I wish you were here to see the beauty that came after. your sister growing up to get married and have her beautiful babies. If you could be here to see how I paint and how it changed. How so many things we could be doing together or the talks we would be having. But even though you left me a long time ago, I love the time I was blessed with you. For that, I get to love those memories so when I do wish you could be here, I can still go back to the time when you were here and even when I cry, I also smile. Because if you had never been here, I would not have learned so many things that carry me through now. I love you always. Love, mom
WHY? I sometimes ask myself that question. Often, actually. Why I chose to continue to listen to things said to me as a child. I would never be good enough, I was ugly, I caused problems, I was the reason people did bad things and on and on. I was just a kid. But as I was growing up, those thoughts that were seeded started to grow. On the outside, I seemed to be strong and confidant. On the inside I was a disaster waiting to happen.
And one day, it did happen. all of that negativity set in after the death of my second child. Walls inside started to crumble. A strong mind started to shift. I quit being honest. I just kind of fell apart. I caved in to all the thoughts and the toxic talk. My brain accepted it and I fell. Anxiety set in, doubts, fears and so much.
Now, after a lot of Prayer, Meditation, therapy, and positive thoughts I am starting to climb the crumbled wall of my mind back up to the top. Back to the Sun. I know i will rise above this fear and anxiety. it may take time but it took time to get there. Above all, I ask myself WHY did it take so long to realize those words were painful but not true. I don’t know. But as long as I am trying, I guess it does not matter. NEVER let someone’s toxic words or ways come into your head. It destroys. BUT, you can recover if you learn to stop believing them.
It is the hardest thing to deal with, in my opinion. I have learned to deal with it, because you never get “over” it. But I swim through some rough waters most of the year. Of course I think of her and her brother every day and I also love the life I have and am grateful for it. I just want them here with me to be a part of it but that cannot be. However, when those birthdays come close or the day of leaving us, it always hits hard. There is no stopping it even when I try not to focus on it. I am not saying this happens to all parents who lose a child but for me it happens. It is hard. Very hard. So hug your kids, enjoy your blessings and pray it never happens to you. Because I WAS you before it happened to ME. * never take for granted. I did.
I am glad women are speaking out about their babies that are stillborn, babies that do not make it to full term and babies who live for short periods but never make it home from the Hospitals. My mother was pregnant when I was young, apparently my little sister was stillborn. I know she named her Wendy, we waited for a baby that never came home. I remember little bags being sent from our mom with candy and gum in them to us. Then she came home with no baby. we knew she went in to have one. The only thing really said was that Wendy went to heaven. That was it and then Life went on because we didn’t or were not allowed to question about it. There was not even a service. I have no clue what happened to the baby. I called them “silent babies” to myself later on.
Later, I had my son, who only lived two days. I was in great pain in my heart but never spoke much about it after the service I did have for him. I actually never even mentioned him until a few short years ago. I do not even know why other than it was just so painful. even the babies later on that I never carried past three months trying to have my youngest daughter were ever spoken of. Now, women are talking about it and I am glad. These were our babies. They have a place in our hearts and in this World to be remembered. Another good in freaky 2020.
I always think of you my sweet Sara Nicolle. I think of your silliness, your smile, the struggles you overcame with Autism, how you managed to see everything as you grew older with the best point of view. Your optimism even when faced with such hard stuff and you never. gave. up. You were the encouragement that gave me strength so many times. Just watching you take something so hard and turning it around, even the bullies in school. But I have to say, I think this past year might have been a bit much. Even for you. You would not have done well with being stuck at home for months. No company, no going out. A lot of things. It just would have been I think the straw. So, I think of you all of the time and I wish you were here as always but I am glad you didn’t have to battle this past year. Especially now that your Bio dad has Covid and in the Hospital. you would not have even been able to see him. May sound like an oxy-moron but I get it. I love you. Always. Love, mom.
I am trying to stay up and about and I cannot quite clear my head yet but I am trying. I miss blogging and whatever this was, it knocked me down! I mean, I have not ever had something like this since I had a blocked intestine Physical wise. Mentally, when my daughter was killed. It has been something else. I just wanted to check in and say hi to my fellow bloggers!
I have written for many years but never public and mostly plays, poems and stories. But when my daughter was killed and I had lost her brother at two days a couple of years before, I was in limbo for so long and then one day, I decided to use the WordPress and see what would happen. It started slow because it was only to try and fill a void. Then I took a break for a while. But… slowly, I came back and the World opened up. I found that I loved it. that I was writing how my heart felt and that I was able to reach out in a way to others. Now I do it as much as I can on here. It will never replace the empty spot you left in my heart BUT it has filled some of the void. I love you my angel. Thank you and thank God for a beautiful gift to be able to get away for awhile and share things with others. “IN Memory: Sara Nicolle, forever 23, Ryan, 2 days.”
Sometimes I am laughing and I am will be in the middle of staying busy and the tears will come. I do not even know until they fall down my cheeks. I am trying to be positive but the pain just hits and it feels like a physical blow. I wish I could learn to control this anxiety better than I do. I feel so strong the ways an Empath will, that the few I am around when they are at every peak of emotion. I can feel it through calls and sometimes even text. Who even feels emotions through text? And sadly, I am usually am right. Does that me feel empowered? No, it weakens me. So, I just had to say that I AM trying but I am struggling too but yes I know I am blessed and I am thankful for that.
I always think of you. That is just a given. But today, the Sun came out and I thought of your beautiful smile and your laughter that lit up a room. You were such a beautiful soul and you always made people happy. You loved life, you loved every. single. aspect. of it. You were the Sun on a rainy day and the World is a lonelier place without you. The only good thing is that you do not have to see what is going on and live with it. This virus would have scared you so much. But you are safe my sweet child and nothing can harm you anymore. Not a virus, not bullies and your memory shines on through it all. I love. you. always. Love, Mom.
This is a hard time. I have learned to still live, love and survive but you NEVER get over it. I find I have writers block every year at this time. I can only seem to focus on writing about her. She was kind and so sweet. She did try to laugh off everything and she made friends from the bullies at school. She was bullied because of her Autism and her way of thinking. She dressed as she wanted. She ate as she could. Food could not touch and of course, bullies watch for stuff like that. But, she somehow never fought back but she stood her ground. She had kids come to her service and say, “I am so sorry. I picked on her at first but you just could NOT be mean to Sara after a while because she was just her. She would keep smiling”. She made me see what I was doing and she helped me to be a better person, not a bully”. She was the very essence of love that didn’t judge. So, this is why I am writing these stories. It is the time when I think of all the things I lost when I lost her but the gift she left behind that taught me to keep on, love others and appreciate life. I love. you. Sara Nicolle. always. Love, Mom