Everybody hurts

In the world today, everyone, at some point, feels hurt pain,love and loss. My heart goes out to all of you because I have been there and still go through it. I do not know why sometimes it has to be so hard or hurt so much. I didn’t understand it when I lost my oldest daughter or my newborn son.

But there is love as well. It heals you and it feeds you and it nourishes the soul. It keeps us sane and it keeps us grounded. Our world is becoming more distant from actual human contact with cell phones and computers and etc. But a cell phone cannot hug you unless you make it. It does not have a soul. A computer cannot replace a face to face encounter even with face time and things like that because you cannot hug on face time.

The thing I always try to remember is that we all have to be there for one another. In a world that has replaced electronic devices with the effort of human contact and communication, we have to reach out ourselves. We have to be the bridge that connects one soul to another. Another of my many pointless to some points but I write them from the heart. Have a great day! 🙂

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Perhaps I did…..When she died……

Perhaps I did go a little crazy when she died. Maybe losing the child you gave birth to and watched grow up and cared for with her disability and never realized she would be gone without warning at 23 made me different.

You do not understand and I hope you never do understand. That means you lost your child too and I wouldn’t want to wish that on anyone. It is a loss you learn to live with but never get over.You learn to laugh again and God brings other love into your life but it does not take away the pain at times.

I became better in some ways but in others I changed. I needed more from those I loved, I was scared and I was devastated. I developed panic issues. I went through the five stages. I went through Hell and came back a little burned. i turned back to God and I have tried to make her proud.

I have loved my only other child and adore my  gbabies. I love my husband and son-in-law. I love mom and other mom. And step dad and other family. But, yes I changed. When you lose a child you always do. I hope you never have to look at me and say,  ” I understand”.

 

When did you forget her?

Not the first year. Not much the second year but when she died, when did you forget her? Her name is rarely mentioned, her fb is never written in memory, her picture is never liked. Did you forget her when it was less painful to remember or did you just not really think of her even before?

Did you forget what she brought to our lives? Did you forget as life went on and it really meant that forgetting her was part of it? Do you ever go to her site and just remember? Did you forget how she laughed, did your forget her beautiful smile?

I wonder because I did not, can not and will not. I will never forget the horrible crash or the fire that consumed her body so that we could only do a cremation. I will never forget the part of my heart that left with her and I am glad because I am reminded everyday she is gone. I am glad she does not have to suffer anymore but I still remember.

Did you forget her when it became more of a hassle to put somewhere that you loved her? Was it because she was 23 and not 10 when she died? Was it because she meant nothing of enough importance to even think about? Look at her picture, think of who she was and I hope, then, you remember.

It is beautiful and yet ugly. Life

Life can be so beautiful and yet so ugly.

Love, happiness, babies. marriage, friendship, family,adoption, playing, running, adventures, prayers, reading, painting, writing, flowers, trees, the four seasons, the pureness of snow, the laughter of a child.

Bills, stress, death of a child, burdens, anxiety, hatred, racism, divorce, affairs, riots, abuse of children and women, burning our flag, killing, using people, destroying.

Something so beautiful and yet so ugly

WHEN OUR CHILDREN GROW UP

A friend once had this habit of saying, “They grow up to fast”. talking about our children. At the time, of course I understood what he meant but I thought, “Well, mine are 11 and 5 so I am good”. But the years flew by and sure enough, before I knew it they were growing up. Way too fast. One was 21 and the other 14. The, at 23. I lost my oldest in a car wreck and that left me one.

I was in shock at the time and I still feel her in my heart every day but I was still had the other who needed me so I had to be there for her. Then before I knew it, she was having her own baby and I had always heard you never know what it feels like to be a grandparent until you get there and then , you are in love all over again.

I felt so blessed and thanked God for this beautiful little baby but I learned also, that no matter how much you love them, your baby now has a baby and you want to be like a mother “or” father hen and tell them all about how to do it.

Sadly, the marriage fell apart but I found myself again blessed when she remarried and I was gifted with two more beautiful grandchildren. But I also, once again realized that my child was grown and no matter what, she was living her own life and there was not more running to mommy for band aids or hurts.

I got that with my youngest grand baby but that was also when schedules allowed that I saw her and the my other two babies. Life is hectic and I want to hold my daughter again sometimes just like when she was little. But children grow up and we have to let them fly.

It hurts, it can be sad, and it can be good. Many times it can be frustrating if we don’t see them doing what we had hoped for. She has done great. She is a nurse, she is happy and she seems to be progressing quite well. However, my heart still longs at time for that mother child bond you get the most when they are little.

Moral of the story is;  He was right. My friend. “They grow up too fast, we have to let go and it is not an easy thing to do”. But, if I learned one thing, it is not to worry about all the tiny things they do we don’t like, don’t worry about whether they match up to other kids and just know you loved and did the best you could by them. As it say’s in the Bible, “Raise your child in the way they should go and they will return to that at some point”. Not exactly as it written but you get the point.

GOODBYE

I thought of you as I walked on the beach,

Listening to the sounds of a wild ocean,

As waves rolled onto the sand, I waited for you to walk up

But I knew it was a dream and you were not here.

I went to the place where we put you to rest

But for me, it was empty and useless.

If I thought you would answer or I thought you might be here in spirit.

Maybe then I would come more often but you aren’t her and you won’t be.

I look at your photos and I wish I could go back and change so many things but I know better……

I cannot change all of my mistakes but I can use them to change what I should done differently before so long ago.

L.S. Rockel