Sometimes I wonder what you might have been like today. For us moms who lost our babies before or shortly after birth.

I do not talk about you much at all. My little 1 pound 15 ounce baby boy Paul Ryan. It is not because I am ashamed but because the pain is so great of never knowing who you might have become. You lived two days before a vessel in your brain bled out. You were beautiful. And my only son that I know of.
After you, I had your sister Nikki and she was 3 pounds and 14 ounces and she lived to be 23 when she was taken from us in a car accident and that was another time my heart was torn. Then I kept trying and I had many two month pregnancies before your baby brother or sister ( I never knew) just didn’t make it. Time to dream but not enough time to know. Finally, I had your youngest sister, Amber and she is fine and has a little one of her own now.
But, you and Nikki and your unknown siblings are in Heaven. It hurts when I think of her and when I think of you. I guess it hurts more with you and Nikki because I saw you, I touched you, I kissed your faces. That doesn’t mean those I never met didn’t hurt though. I am so blessed to have one of you left here with me and I have so much joy from that and my little grand child of love.
I wish I could have watched you grow, play, laugh and see what it was like for a son of mine to become a man. But, I hold your little face in my heart and I love you all. I just sometimes wonder what my little boy would be like today. I love you Paul Ryan.

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I think of you…..everyday.

I know you left us so many years ago and we never got to say goodbye. I never got to see you again after that day because the wreck was so bad and the car blew up. But I want you to know that I think of you everyday. I will never forget your laughter or that beautiful smile.
I will never forget how hard you fought to make bullies your friend but you were a bit different. A little bit of Autism can do that. I know how you got through each day and it was hard when you were young but as you got older you decided to fight back with kindness. That must have been so hard when it was years before you could relate to others like other kids did.
But you got better and you got stronger and you laughed and you made our family laugh and you didn’t care what anybody thought about you because you accepted yourself for you. That made me so proud. I miss all of that and our talks on the porch and the way you had of making things better.
But just so you know, I STILL think of you everyday. I will love you. Always. Love, mom. Sara Nicolle “Nikki”. 1984-2007.

Is it ME or is it THEM?

I am so confused. I am a good person, I think. I just do not understand why so many people have turned away and just ignore me. I am always trying to help, come when needed, and I used to do anything and still do that I could to help. I baked all of the family Birthday cakes and on and on.
However, when I got this panic disorder a few years ago is when it started. I reached out to family and friends to see if anyone could come by or text or pray or just come sit for a couple of hours. I had one friend who came, a sister who came when my husband called and I do have some family I connect with but I was cursed, told I was trying to take advantage of them and that being kind and helping them did NOT mean I was supposed to expect ANYTHING in return.
Needless to say, that hurt. But if I am such a good person and people will not answer my fb post or textes or etc. I can only figure maybe it is because I am outspoken? I am a person who believes it is better to be honest than to be two- faced or like many people now, just be fake, smile, say everything is fine when deep down, they are suffering.
Then the people who want to be friends or close family but only if you agree with everything and never say a word about your issues or if you do, you have to be in awe with their solution and do it or they shun me. If one sister in particular is upset with me, anyone around her ends up not speaking to me. I was also bitter for a while when my daughter died but this year marked 11 years and for anyone who has lost a child, it still hurts. Of COURSE you go on but it hurts. I had five family members contact me to say they were thinking of me and I have a HUGE family.

We were always a close family until my daughter died and then the family got more critical of me each year. I am no saint by any means and I am sure my being outspoken does NOT help but is it me or them? Am I that bad?

Today I will celebrate your life and test the waters.

It has been 11 long years since you left us. I have never celebrated that day by trying to remember all the beautiful things about you but today I will test those waters. It is kind of like testing the water before you go in a pool. Warm at first but colder as you go. Maybe it will stay warm all of the way. I will pray for the families of the three friends who died with you.
So here is to you Nikki. Your laughter was contagious. Your soul was beautiful. You were bullied but you never stopped until you made friends of those bullies. I know because they told me at your service. You never did tell me. I was proud of you.Your smile was always beaming. You never failed to be nice to everyone and even got fired for being to “nice” to the customers.
You overcame so much of your Autism and other issues because I never told you they were there but even though some remained, it took a while before someone caught on. You ordered tomato soup one year because you were working at Walgreens and it was your money right? So you paid almost 25.00 for 4 cans of tomato soup that cost less than a dollar because you wanted to order online.
You wore party dresses to waffle house and when I ask why, you said, “Because I am dressing for me mom. Not other people. I don’t have anyone to impress”. You learned to hug even though it was hard. You still hugged to the side but you hugged. A big deal with Autism. You loved deeply. You were a champion at doing something until you got it done even when I thought you could not.
You had a light in you that few people have. You loved your baby sister and your family and your friends, Kelli and Kandice and your friend Samuel from Australia and Joel who came to your service driving 12 straight hours even though you had never met. You had tons of online myspace friends that were in your life even be it online.
You loved to sit on the porch and when you left even the neighbors said later they missed the waves and the smiles. You brought a beauty into our world that will never be replaced and as I quoted in the song, “This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.” I love you. Nik. Always. Love, Mom

You loved Valentines day. No panic attack so far thank God.

My daughter loved all Holidays but her favorite were Valentines day and halloween. She LOVED them. It is especially hard because she died three days after valentines day. It makes it hard to celebrate this day but I still send or text or call out Happy Valentines day to others. I didn’t for a long time but now I can.
It used to cause severe panic attacks and long bouts of crying. I cried this morning but I was able to tone it down. I will probably play songs for her today but maybe I won’t. I don’t know yet. I know I keep a candy heart for her and I go and look at her picture. She loved life and from that I try to do the same.
I value everyone in my life, I love them and I am so very grateful for the sweet people who think of me on this day and call, text or message. they do not realize how much it means. So, Nikki, Happy Valentines to your smile, your memory, your laughter and the love you never failed to show me and tell me. I will love you. Always. Love, Mom

Why are certain things “taboo” on Facebook?

I wonder why I see a lot of things on facebook that are memes saying, Do NOT air your personal issues on facebook? Deal with them privately and I have to laugh. Why it is taboo to put what you want or feel if it isn’t always nice ? I do not mean mentioning names but um, let me see.
We post or read post that tell where you are going, where you eating, who you are dating, when you are drunk, what your baby does 400 times a day, who your friends are and what you are doing every five minutes. There are post about your marriage, your kids, hospital visits, doctor visit, what your OBGYN said, in detail, gag.
There are post about who love, and basically every aspect of our lives but if someone post, God forbid, “My feelings were really hurt today or you are sad because someone will publicly show their love about anyone but you so you say you are sad or put, (God FORBID) you are having a tough day and the list goes on and people go into a frenzy. NOT the place for facebook? Really, seriously? It is social media and I know more about you there than I do as a person.
I know just about every single aspect of your life but do NOT, and I repeat do NOT put actual human emotions or thoughts on there. You will virtually hung and tied to a facebook rafter. So, I just think it is amusing that you see all these DO NOT post personal things on facebook. Well, I don’t think you get more personal than knowing everything about you including pics of when you are drunk, high, (yeah I have seen those) your personal EVERYTHING but we cannot post about a bad day. hahahahahahaha. I guess in a world of do not offend it has gone socially viral. lol

The Issue of Anxiety

I have been doing better. I am learning to redirect my mind, use the 1,000 plus methods I have found and yes, still take a med when needed but that is getting better too. But there are the dark days. Those are the days when it seems o consume my life. The days when I get out of bed and know it is coming. It is all an illusion in our brain telling us things that we have to fear or worry over even though we do not. But we fear it anyway.

Those days are not fun. i am edgy, frustrated over something I just DO NOT GET. Why? I was always in control of my life. This makes me feel like I am a puppet and no matter what I do, it is there. Waiting to creep up or just spring up out of nowhere. o, I try and focus more on the good days and I try to defeat the bad and dark ones. I try to focus on anything, and I mean anything that will not let it spiral out of control. It is working most of the time.

But one dark day can ruin it. So, for all of us who suffer from it, look for that ray of sun, the child or person who can divert you from that feeling. That awful, scary feeling. Smile anyway. Yes, almost impossible but do it and then try to get past it. Read, work, do anything that can bring us back to the light. Above all, hang on.