I keep your picture here so I can see you everyday….

I keep her picture on my desk. I look at her at times so I can see her face and rekindle memories. Some are good, some hurt, some make me cry and some make me laugh. But I love to see that smile and although it hurts that she is gone, her memory lives on in my heart. I remember everything about her even can smell at times the perfume she decided she liked at 13. She never changed. She added one more and sometimes the cherry blossom smell seems to drift out or the vanilla. I love my sweet girl. Always!

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Why is it still so damn hard? …..

It has been 12 years today since you left us. I thought this year was going to be easier that before years because I had not been crying as much but I woke in tears this morning. Just that quick. But it is what it is. I guess my philosophy on it is that it is the life of a parent who has lost a child or children and I have lost two. But it is just weird how some years I got through with laughter, most with tears but still I would thing ok all the blessings I DO have and that she never suffered and that she is probably happier now. But like one guy said the other day, “When people say God needed another angel, that is great until yours is taken.” Just a tough day I guess. Love to all of us who have lost our children.

Life as we knew it…..

Life as our family knew it is gone but not the memories. We have lost our daughter, a son and a nephew at 13 to cancer. But we still have the memories and the love. We still have the photos that it has only been recently that we can look and actually smile at just how wonderful they were. Their laughs, their joy, their silliness and their life. Life as we knew it will never be the same but love as we knew it is still as strong as the day they left.

Why didn’t I know? Loss of child…

You left us and it has been almost twelve years now since your wreck. Sometimes though I look at your pictures and think how did I not know the loss of your weight or that something might be off? your friends said later you would go through times of feeling sad but I never saw it and you never told me?
We talked all of the time. You lived with us. But you were always smiling and joking and made your family laugh. Maybe you just didn’t want to see me sad.
But I believe in my heart you were happy. I really do. I am just sorry you never told me you were sad. I would have helped you through it. I love you. Always. Love, mom.

Learning to breathe………………..

I am learning to breathe through all of this. The hurt, the pain, the loss and the heartache. But in learning to catch a breath, I am realizing the joy of living among the pain. I am learning to see the beauty in the many wonderful things I have in my life. I can be and I can hurt but I can also love, laugh and enjoy. Learning to breathe.

A beautiful Mind, Heart & Soul

To my oldest daughter Nikki.

God gave you a beautiful mind, heart & soul for this world. You were going to need it given your “unique” issues. So you used all of your beauty to in those three to laugh when laughed at, to cry and then go on because life was to too beautiful to miss a beat. You made friends out of those who were actual enemies because, as they said, who could not like someone who smiled no matter what you did. You made everything better because you always found humor in most any situation. You left this world and took with it your beautiful, mind, heart & soul. But your memory can never be taken. I love you. Always. Love, Mom.

If you don’t understand at least show you love them..

We ALL go through bumps in the road, chaos, and so many things and for some of us it is a little different. We have lost children, suffer from anxiety or other things that cannot be seen like a physical illness but that is when I have been shunned the most. How many TIMES do I have to say, YOU do not understand and I am not asking you to but PLEASE over look the times I freak out or I am going through depression and be there as opposed to writing me off because I should not have “acted” that way and you cannot take it anymore.
Along with my issues, I am also the first one to jump when someone needs help or is hurting or needs a friend. I wish sometimes I had people who say they love me who would do the same for me but I have been just cast out of the “group” because I am too overly emotional and it is affecting their happiness. So sad because when they need me, they find a reason to come running back. I do not fit in anymore but it really showed me the difference in my loyalty and theirs. I would still be there if they called and said they needed me.