I started writing because of you, My angels………..

I have written for many years but never public and mostly plays, poems and stories. But when my daughter was killed and I had lost her brother at two days a couple of  years before, I was in limbo for so long and then one day, I decided to use the WordPress and see what  would happen. It started slow because it was only to try and fill a void. Then I took a break for a while. But… slowly, I came back and the World opened up. I found that I loved it. that I was writing how my heart felt and that I was able to reach out in a way to others. Now I do it as much as I can on here. It will never replace the empty spot you left in my heart BUT it has filled some of the void. I love you my angel. Thank you and thank God for a beautiful gift to be able to get away for awhile and share things with others. “IN Memory: Sara Nicolle, forever 23, Ryan, 2 days.”

Amid isolation, my thoughts are going haywire…. The loss of my loves hit hard and my Empath mind is at an all time high…..

Sometimes I am laughing and I am will be in the middle of staying busy and the tears will come. I do not even know until they fall down my cheeks. I am trying to be positive but the pain just hits and it feels like a physical blow. I wish I could learn to control this anxiety better than I do. I feel so strong the ways an Empath will, that the few I am around when they are at every peak of emotion. I can feel it through calls and sometimes even text. Who even feels emotions through text? And sadly, I am usually am right. Does that me feel empowered? No, it weakens me. So, I just had to say that I AM trying but I am struggling too but yes I know I am blessed and I am thankful for that.

I thought of you today as I do everyday…. I see your smile in the Sun….

I always think of you. That is just a given. But today, the Sun came out and I thought of your beautiful smile and your laughter that lit up a room. You were such a beautiful soul and you always made people happy. You loved life, you loved every. single. aspect. of it. You were the Sun on a rainy day and the World is a lonelier place without you. The only good thing is that you do not have to see what is going on and live with it. This virus would have scared you so much. But you are safe my sweet child and nothing can harm you anymore. Not a virus, not bullies and your memory shines on through it all. I love. you. always. Love, Mom.

I just do not have much to say… That month of the year. Born in January. Killed in February years later…

This is a hard time. I have learned to still live, love and survive but you NEVER get over it. I find I have writers block every year at this time. I can only seem to focus on writing about her. She was kind and so sweet. She did try to laugh off everything and she made friends from the bullies at school. She was bullied because of her Autism and her way of thinking. She dressed as she wanted. She ate as she could. Food could not touch and of course, bullies watch for stuff like that. But, she somehow never fought back but she stood her ground. She had kids come to her service and say, “I am so sorry. I picked on her at first but you just could NOT be mean to Sara after a while because she was just her. She would keep smiling”. She made me see what I was doing and she helped me to be a better person, not a bully”. She was the very essence of love that didn’t judge. So, this is why I am writing these stories. It is the time when I think of all the things I lost when I lost her but the gift she left behind that taught me to keep on, love others and appreciate life. I love. you. Sara Nicolle. always. Love, Mom

It always rains for the Christmas party…. Are those happy tears from Heaven, I miss you tears or just rain?

Every year at the Annual Christmas party it rains. Well, it actually pours. My mind knows it is just rain but my heart sometimes wonders if you and lost ones are crying tears from Heaven of joy or sadness that you are not here with us? I like to think they are tears of joy from being with us in heart because we keep your pictures with us on the shelves to share in the joy in spirit if nothing else. Either way, just know you ARE here in our hearts and we love you so much!

Why can’t you See what I Feel?…..

I know it is hard to understand me since I lost my child/children. I know I have breakdowns. I know I act crazy at times. I am. Because I am trying to deal with pain and anxiety I never had before. I know I get defensive. I do because I feel like the world left her/them behind but not me. I know I am putting you in a strange spot when I am laughing one minute and crying the next. I know. Why can’t you see what I feel? Because you haven’t been there and I hope you never are.

No, I have not forgotten you….I love you . Always.

In my post I used to write more often about the daughter I lost and sometimes I still do but especially at this time of year, I have to hold on to my sanity. But No, Nikki, I have not forgotten you. I never would. You were, as well as your baby brother Ryan I lost so much of my heart. So is your sister who is still and I thank God for that because if she had not been, I think I would have truly lost my mind that day. I miss your smile, your humor, your laughter and I wish you were still here with us. I still cry when I write about you and I still cry when I hear your songs that you loved.
I laugh sometimes now at your funny memories but I cannot ever forget the loss of when you left us. It still hurts so bad and you were truly so good. You had moments like everyone but I swear sometimes, I DO believe you were an Earthly angel
Your ability to keep my grounded with my hot temper, your way of never seeing bad in anyone, your love for making others laugh and your genuine love of life. You just LOVED life. Everything was beautiful to you. I mean even the things I so often over look. A strange type of rock, the shape of a tree, people, just everything. No. I have not forgotten you my sweet love. A mother never forgets the child/children she has loved and lost.

Today was a lot of Anxiety, a little panic and tons of talking myself out of it…..

Today was a day I have not had in a while. I felt weird like I was sick or something was wrong and I know some was anxiety, some was maybe I am getting sick and some was a bit of panic over deciding if it was illness or anxiety. I HATE that feeling! I had a bad headache but Advil took care of that and I went to town and just wanted to get out of the store and go home. It was very depressing because I have not felt that way in a while. Maybe it is hitting because of my daughter’s death that came in Feb. of that year, 33 days after her January Birthday and I was looking at Christmas stuff and she loved Christmas. All I do know is I hope it just the anxiety and nothing really wrong and that is what makes this condition so hard. because you don’t know. you just hope. I hope all of you had a better day.

A poem for my Daughter Nikki…I wish I had known…. In Memory 2-17-2007

I thought of you as I walked on the beach
Listening to the sounds you loved so much.
waves, as they rush onto the sand and soothe my soul.
I thought of you as the Holidays approached and how much you loved them.
Halloween where you loved those goofy movies. Christmas where we always drove around to see Christmas lights and you loved to stop at that store and get hot Cocoa.
I thought of the day you left me, three days after Valentines.
I never celebrate that day now. I can’t.
I went to your room and I sat on your bed.
I waited to see if maybe you would walk in
but I knew that was a fantasy that would never come true.
I went to the place where we placed you to rest
But to me it is empty and useless.
If I thought you would be here or I could feel you somehow
maybe I would come more often. But you aren’t and you will never be.
I look at your photo and I wish I could change that day and turn back the events so they never happened.
But I can’t.
Time does NOT heal all wounds. It only heals the ability to deal with it.
Love does not die. My love will always be there for you, secured in my heart.
I wish I had known so many things when you were here.
I wish I had known we have to cherish every day and every moment.
But I didn’t know.
I never realized or knew so many things that I know now but I only realized all of it.
When you were gone. I love you. always. Love, Mom. Copyright 2010 L.S.R.

No. I have not forgotten you my sweet Sara. The pain is as real as if it were yesterday but I am just learning the ways to get through…….

I still miss your laugh, your smile, your way of making other people laugh and how much you enjoyed life. I wish you could be here to see your little niece grow up. I think you two would have been best buddies. I think you and your sister would be talking a lot. I think of you everyday and I look at your picture and wonder if you were still here, what would you be doing? Would you find the world too cruel or would you still find the lining behind every cloud? I don’t know. But I do know, I will never forget you nor could I . You brought a special light into my life and the little light burned away when you left leaving a part of my empty and alone. I love. you. Nikki. I. always. will. Love,
Mom. Sarah Nicolle Day you left me: Feb. 17th, 2007