Saying Goodbye to Tracer… For animal lovers

I had to say goodbye to my beautiful rescue of 10 years yesterday, Tracer. My heart was so broken and I cried all day. I guess he was older than I thought when I rescued him. Starving, dying from lack of food and he wandered up on my sisters property. It was evening when I pulled in and saw this starving dog. I had a meal I had bought, got out of my car and fed him and gave him the bottled water I had. As he stood back up, he just put his head against my leg and looked at me with these beautiful sad brown eyes.
I thought my sister would keep him but when I got back home, 40 miles away she had called and said no. He would be taken to the pound because they couldn’t care for him. I couldn’t sleep at all that night and I told my husband early the next morning, “I am going to get that dog. I have already named him Tracer. If he will get in my car, I am bringing him.” He had touched my heart when he just put his head against my leg.
So, off I went, stopped and got some fast food and prayed on my way he was still alive and still there. I pulled up and there he was, on the ground, shivering. I walked over and fed him some of the food and said, “Come on Tracer, we are going home.” I opened my old Volvo door and as bad off as he was he managed to jump in. That was 10 years ago. I did not realize it at the time but he rescued me too. He was my loyal friend, devoted tome, my companion. Three days ago, he started sleeping a lot and acting weird. He had been abused I knew because he would growl if he ever felt cornered which could be as simple as being against anything solid if he felt a threat. But I only showed him love. I stayed with him almost non stop these last three days as he seemed to get weaker and weaker.
I called the Vets but they wanted to muzzle and etc. which would have scared him so much. He was eating, drinking, walking (slowly) but other than sleeping a lot seemed just tired. The night before last he quit eating or drinking that evening. I knew I was losing him. I sat with him until 3 a.m., in the rain for me, in his shelter for him as I petted him. He died a little after 3 a.m. and I cried all day yesterday. I miss him so much. I love you Tracer and I hope, after who knows how many years of abuse, our ten years together made up for it. I will forever be grateful for the time and love we shared but I am sure going to miss you my sweet friend. I love you.

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Panic, Loss and trying to live happy……

As you all know now, I still suffer from panic and anxiety and through counseling, I learned it is from traumatic events that I blocked away because it came on, oh about 4 and half years ago. When I finally faced the demons of my daughters death, other things surfaced. Things that had happened that I tucked safely away in my mind. I guess her death opened Pandora’s box.
Life goes on and I am happy in so many ways and thankful but till those old ghost come out at times to taunt me. I do not understand it because I try to just let them go but they linger. Having some of my family’s support once they tried to understand has helped a lot but other members that I loved so much just turned their backs and found reasons to blame me for their reason of not being around. Some of it still confuses me.
They came up with anything they could. But, in the long run, I have to get past that, try to live happy and realize some people, family or not just do not care. They live behind their walls of blame and I wish they would be the Christians they say they are but the Bible I read tells me they should be that way. I know I can be difficult when I have these moments but no amount of trying to explain reaches their ears or hearts.
But, I have to go on, enjoy the family that does care and realize that I cannot depend on them but on me and realize not everyone can handle a family member who has “issues”. So, I am but I have to say, it is hard. So, I am just doing it and for those like me, I just wanted you to know, it is okay. We can do it.

Love letter to the drug addict……..

with the epidemic of this problem I wanted to write something as I have had a couple of family who had to overcome that battle.

Dear Loved one,
I try to help you in your struggle but I know that your first love right now is your drug.
So much that you never noticed when I put a flower in the vase on your desk.
you forgot your son’s game was today because you may have been out “searching”.
You were not hungry even though I made your favorite meal.
You were too “sick” to go to our family Holiday get together so the kids and I went, with another excuse for why you weren’t there.

We watch you and the kids know. They are not stupid. You still work but come home late. You avoid us or you become so nice out of guilt that it isn’t real when you do nice things. You seem normal at times and then at other times you are so far out there, that I guess you think I don’t see the glassy eyes or the runny nose.

We deal with all of it because we love you and we have tried everything to help so now we have to help ourselves until you decide to get the help to stop. But the worst part is the loneliness. The living with someone you love that you used to know , the same person on the outside and at times, the good ones, the “old” you. But seeing the “other” you is what hurts so bad. So close and yet so far.
We love you and we wish you would come “home”. you live here but we wish your mind , drug free could come back with you.
With love,
Your family

Sometimes it is the little things that mean so much

Sometimes it is a smile, a kiss, holding someone’s hand, bringing food, helping out when things go crazy. Sometimes it coming over just to say hi, listening when they need a friend. Sometimes it is just sitting with someone when they are grieving. Sometimes it is just letting them know they are loved. Sometimes, those things can mean so much.

Learning to focus on things that matter…

One thing I am learning more and more when dealing with panic and anxiety is how to let go and re-focus. I am learning to let myself focus on other things. It is HARD and I am not always successful but that motto, “One day at a time” is becoming what I use everyday. I try not to let thing s and people cause me to over think. And, I am learning to encourage myself that I AM a good person and if people have issues with me and I have done nothing wrong, then why over think it or get anxious or panic? And I am learning, slowly, that life throws hurtles but I have to step over them and focus on the good. Things happen, it is life and I cannot change some things. So, I am on that journey and I hope all of my friends who have this issue, can journey along with me. 🙂

Animal Memories of time gone by page

They could not possibly be from this planet. Today was Cat day. They are now taking turns. Yesterday was Nitro day with his 90 lb.( Now 120 pounds) puppy 2 year self. You can see that blog on here. Today, it was Hercules and Cujo. Beware what you name your animals.

They decided to knock my speakers off, turn on the hot water in the kitchen, toss the keyboard to the floor and then decided it would be fun to tear my flower arrangement to the floor, piece by piece.

Next they threw my internet boxes all over the floor and slung my notepad to the ground, so that, of course, Nitro could eat it. into shreds I might add.

These are not real animals obviously. Though I do not believe in Aliens, these three must have come from some strange planet I was unaware of.

They tag team, they destroy, they attack (the kitties) when you least expect it and then now they are turning the water on and running it at full blast until I can slam up here to turn it off.

Thy are all spoiled with luxuries most animals only wish for. You cannot spank a Shepherd which I would not do anyway as I believe in positive reinforcement.

Cats cannot be controlled but then, these are not cats. They are of a species that resemble cats, they purr like cats and they even let kids play with them.

I am allowed petting time when they are ready for it. Ready for it so they can allow 10 seconds before they gouge my arms.

Yes, then again, my animals are aliens, after all. And now I have more. Rescues that need homes but they are mass destructive weapons. I am SO GLAD I LOVE animals.