Where did you go when you left me that day?
Did you go up to Heaven, did you go there to stay?
Do you come see me sometimes and watch what I do?
Are you proud of your mother and does it please you?
Do you cry when I get angry, hold me softly when I’m sad,
Are you really even there or do I just think that if I’m sad?
Do you have a new life there, do you live all your dreams?
Do you look down upon us and laugh at our schemes?
Are you happier now that you don’t need to grow old?
Do you see all the beauty God say’s we’ll behold?
I guess I’m a dreamer when I think you are here,
Saying, “It’s all good mom, be happy with cheer.
I still think of you every day more than you know,
or maybe you do know and I just have to let go.
Go I can do, let go I cannot,
The hole in my heart is left from the spot,
That you took with you then, when you left me that day.
I can learn to go on but you will never go away.
I love you Nik. Always. Love, Mom
Sometimes sleep eludes me and I cannot find my ability to just go to sleep.
I might be sad or mad or just in a moment where my mind is still racing with thoughts because I think. A LOT. I think about life and people and love and loss.
I think about why or who or where or what might or might not be. Sometimes I just cannot sleep because I am excited or God only knows why it might be but tonight I talked to an owl. Crazy, yes? Probably but it was out there as it is every night making its hoot so I tried to mimic it just to see what would happen. It answered back.
It understood my voice but I have no clue what it was saying. I think sometimes life is like me and the owl. We hear but we cannot understand what others are saying. We mimic the lives of others and yet we do not even understand why they live like they do.
Tonight I talked to an owl and the owl talked to me but I will never understand what he was trying to say. Maybe we should learn from the owl. My thought for the day. lol
Yesterday I was humbled by love. I made a Birthday cake for my sister. I hated it but my brother in law had so desperately wanted to get that cake made in time. But work, passing schedules and everything seemed it was not to be. I had the cake mix and items that had been purchased on my table so i decided to try and do it for him so my sis could have her cake.
I made it and I fussed at it and hated it because I couldn’t get the writing to come out of the tube right and I usually use my baggie and icing. Besides, I thought, “WHY is she going to care about this dumb stupid cake with so much going on?” I had given her her present and I figured she would probably just fling it out the window anyway when she had it was so horribly made. I was ill because i can make some pretty cakes but I just didn’t have the stuff needed yesterday.
She came by later and I ran out to the car to give her this thing of a cake and braced myself for the look of a pretend smile and trying not to hurt my feelings when she saw the hideous thing before her. She didn’t. She cried and thought it the most beautiful cake ever! She cried that my bro in law had wanted her to have it so bad and it got made. ON her Birthday.
I realized then that sometimes what we think is a horrible gift or something someone may not even want actually may be the one thing that “at that moment” is just what they need. I realized that all my fussing was worth every minute to realize how much a brown cake meant to my sister. And now I know why we, as humans, need each other. LOVE. A simple act of trying to show kindness can be just what the doctor ordered at that time.
So, next time you are looking for the “perfect gift”. it may come in the form of a brown cake, a hug, sharing tears, being there, or just saying I love you. Maybe it could be an act of showing up to help someone in whatever area of need they may have. No matter how small. Yesterday I felt humble. Thank you God for helping to remember how that feels.
I was reading one of my books last night and I realized part of my anxiety was as the book said, we tend to live in the past which causes us anxiety when things have changed. That you have to let the past stay where it was and go on. That is why I am blessed and happy to be able to have been offered this opportunity to work with addicted newborns.
It is voluntary at first and then I will take it from there. They need nurturing and a lot of holding because they are going through painful withdrawals. I go and rock and talk to them and comfort them and then try to help ease their pain with love.
I think and hope it will not only help them but me to live in the moment of helping an innocent baby who needs me. I can then let go of all past things (not forgetting but letting go) and realize, I hope, that these little babies need the love I give my grandson and granddaughter. I have to realize the old saying also from AA.
I have to accept the things I cannot change, change things that can be changed and the wisdom to know the difference. That was just part of the AA slogan but since I have never been that is all I can remember from reading about it. I cannot hold on to people who do want to be a part of my life. Just love them. And let go. You cannot force compassion, love or someone loving you. they either do or they don’t . They will have compassion or they will judge. They will think they are above you being in their life or have you in it as little as possible. So, instead of letting that bother me, God Willing, I will hopefully, learn to let all that go and live for the ones who need me as much as I need them.
I do not understand what brings bouts of panic. i have read about it, I have studied it I am living it. But I still do not understand it. I try to be more positive, keep negative thoughts out of my head, exercise, do Yoga and I pray.
I do not know why i am fine and then it hits. Hard. All I know is it does. I know it can hit when i least expect although it never seems to do it on the days I have my gbaby. maybe because she makes me laugh. Or when i see my other two gbabies. I have my husband trying to understand and support me but I see the confusion when he cannot understand what it is and he is going to school for Counseling.
But that is why this is so hard for others to help. I can say the people who are trying help more than they know. I do know that it is something that is occurring less and less. But still, if i do not understand it, how can you?
I am starting to cut back on panic meds. Day two. Yesterday was one and a half and it went okay until I got under stress but I kept talking myself out of it and thank God, I did not take it. That is a MAJOR step for me.
I am starting to exercise again and I am learning to let go of toxic areas. By that, I mean when you are dealing with this kind of issue, it is a must to be able to talk to people who may not understand it but are willing to listen.
It is being able to have people who do not say you are insane or try and make you more upset or nervous but do whatever they do to help you through it. It might be listening, holding your hand, prayer, trying to understand you are in a place you may never have been before.
It may just be someone who can encourage you, lift you up and cheer you on as you struggle through what is a tough time for you. I have to say that letting go of some who could or would not try and at least understand and who did not desire to help because they were consumed in themselves (as we all are sometimes, including me) but just having compassion. Letting go of those situations helped more in a day than in the 2 and a half years I have been dealing with it.
I also found two books that are helping me to understand myself as a person and I am getting to know me. I am also grateful to my friends here on word press who have been and are on this journey with me. Thanks for the continued support. Thanks to all who have supported me.
And thank you to a beautiful person who just listened the other day. No judgment, just letting me be heard. And filling that with love that has never wavered.
God, I often come to you in despair, sometimes in joy, sometimes to talk and sometimes to cry. I often wondered if you heard me and sometimes I still do. But I know that you are listening and I know you know what I need.
You gave me the ability to love art and photography and my family and people. Abused animals and children are what I hurt for the most. People say why do bad things happen? I don’t always know but I know that we have free will. When a person does something bad, you are blamed first.
Why? You gave us minds to think on our own and to choose our own paths. if a person kills, steals, rapes. abuses or other horrific things, it was a choice they made. I sometimes question you and ask, “Are you listening? Don’t you hear my cry?” But yes, you do. I just don’t always have the patience to wait out the answer.
I am human and sometimes God, I get mad at how the answers turn out and I get hurt when I have asked and it doesn’t come to be. But then, I am human. And we know how that goes. So I just wanted to say that even when i am unsure, yes, I know you are listening and sometimes, when I stop long enough to give you a chance, I feel you there.