If you don’t understand at least show you love them..

We ALL go through bumps in the road, chaos, and so many things and for some of us it is a little different. We have lost children, suffer from anxiety or other things that cannot be seen like a physical illness but that is when I have been shunned the most. How many TIMES do I have to say, YOU do not understand and I am not asking you to but PLEASE over look the times I freak out or I am going through depression and be there as opposed to writing me off because I should not have “acted” that way and you cannot take it anymore.
Along with my issues, I am also the first one to jump when someone needs help or is hurting or needs a friend. I wish sometimes I had people who say they love me who would do the same for me but I have been just cast out of the “group” because I am too overly emotional and it is affecting their happiness. So sad because when they need me, they find a reason to come running back. I do not fit in anymore but it really showed me the difference in my loyalty and theirs. I would still be there if they called and said they needed me.

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It seems like on Happy people are accepted……

It seems like only the “happy” people are liked and accepted these days? Have we become like robots? Do NOT show emotion. that means drama and our lives can only have drama in our little circle we choose. People show not get upset, have a bad day, have an illness or you can as long it shows how much they help for kudos until they bore of it. Or illnesses you cannot see, God forbid you have one of those. NOT ALLOWED!
It just seems like in this day and time or maybe I am around too many perfect people who never make mistakes. But my encounters have been never ever have an issue, need someone, etc. We ALL have good and bad days but it is almost like we should just be smiling robots. IF the re are still, real, humans who do not get mad when you just need compassion, please let me know where they are.

I am Blessed………

My new thing I try and do everyday. No matter what is going on, I just say it several times a day. I am blessed. For good things, I am blessed. For bad things, Not sure why this is happening but I am blessed. Just in every situation, that is what I am doing. Just saying I am blessed because in so many ways I am and when bad things happen, I keep trying to remember, I have many things where. I. Am. Blessed.

I had to let go…To Live

I had to let go of some of the people I love and hold dear to my heart. But to live, I had to let them go. I was tired of being told I was just “thinking” that, it was all in my head, that I was “in a dark place”. Why? Because I over think. Because I have anxiety. But, they never admitted they would not answer me when I sent things to them or they would avoid me or just so many things that as long as I did things their way, they were willing to help (which was one call they would accept from me maybe one every two weeks or so).
As long as I never got upset, just smiled, laughed and did everything that they deemed normal. Emotions were not allowed or I was in need of help. Does it hurt? Yes. But do I feel stronger? Oh yeah. Sometimes letting go is your road to recovery.

What has happened to families?

It is amazing tome how families that used to be close, stick through hard times together and loved each other deeply have now become so separated. Some stick together while casting out any who are not “normal” or cheerful or suffer from depression or anxiety or other things. If it is physical, most will stick by you but not anything else. And with this new group of families, now things are spaced by terms. “Immediate family which is only parents, siblings and Aunts and Uncles are excluded. OF COURSE there are times when just that family gets together but when our kids were growing up we did EVERYTHING together. But the saddest part is seeing the ones shunned because of something they did the family did not like or a self righteous younger one who sets family member against family member. I just do not understand where strong cemented family units went and it is sad. I guess those days are gone for many of us because now instead of, “We are here for you, we will get through this”, it is “I had to set boundaries. You were ugly to me when you were going through grief and depression so I had to exclude from most of my life.” Wow. Just sad.

Panic, Loss and trying to live happy……

As you all know now, I still suffer from panic and anxiety and through counseling, I learned it is from traumatic events that I blocked away because it came on, oh about 4 and half years ago. When I finally faced the demons of my daughters death, other things surfaced. Things that had happened that I tucked safely away in my mind. I guess her death opened Pandora’s box.
Life goes on and I am happy in so many ways and thankful but till those old ghost come out at times to taunt me. I do not understand it because I try to just let them go but they linger. Having some of my family’s support once they tried to understand has helped a lot but other members that I loved so much just turned their backs and found reasons to blame me for their reason of not being around. Some of it still confuses me.
They came up with anything they could. But, in the long run, I have to get past that, try to live happy and realize some people, family or not just do not care. They live behind their walls of blame and I wish they would be the Christians they say they are but the Bible I read tells me they should be that way. I know I can be difficult when I have these moments but no amount of trying to explain reaches their ears or hearts.
But, I have to go on, enjoy the family that does care and realize that I cannot depend on them but on me and realize not everyone can handle a family member who has “issues”. So, I am but I have to say, it is hard. So, I am just doing it and for those like me, I just wanted you to know, it is okay. We can do it.