I thought of you as I walked on the beach, sand crunching beneath my feet.
I listened to the sounds of crashing waves you loved so much
as they rush onto the sand and soothe our soul.
I waited, Thinking you might just walk up beside me but I knew it was a dream and you were not here.
I went to the place where we put you to rest,
but to me it is just empty and useless.
You are not here, you never have been.
I look at your photo so many times and fantasize that I could change the events that day and tell you not to get in that car but I know better.
Times does NOT heal all wounds but it just soothes the pain over time so we can survive.
Love does not die, it is just here in my heart and I feel it when I think of you, look at your photo and remember the life we had together.
I wish I had known so many things when you were here that I know now
but I learned them when you went away. When I realized you were truly gone.
I do occasionally put some humor on here, lol, but I started blogging for those people like me who need to hear about lives that are not always happy and glorious and for people who live with the loss of a child or anxiety,
panic or live with someone who has these issues. Autism (my oldest daughter) ADHD, OCD (me) and so we could all relate or maybe someone wanted to knw what it is .
But I also love to read the happy blogs and the blogs about photography and just fun things because they lift me up! I love to see the smiles, the flowers, the gardens or old landmarks and just everything. So, of course in an already dismal world, my page is not as popular as others but I never expected it to be.
But that is what I love about the beauty of blogging. We can all be ourselves and share with each other our realities and our lives.
I have held on to this hate I didn’t even realize was there for almost 12 years. I said I would never forgive you when our daughter died for all the times you were not there for her. I hated you. I hated the fact that she still loved you and saw you when she could but I never said anything because I didn’t want her to think she had to make a choice.
I hated you for having to force you to help me when she needed things because you didn’t pay child support but then you would push her aside if your wife’s daughter got jealous or whatever the case was that month or year. I hated when you remarried and allowed your wife to call her things. Yes, she was grown by then, so young and the autism she fought and mostly won and how kind she was and loving but you never seemed to care.
I especially hated you when I had to force you to help pay for her service when she was killed and then you only asked about the watch you gave her for Christmas two months before back because it had cost you probably more money than you had ever given her or helped with. So many things that I just could not get past and I told you, “Never speak to me again”. But it hurt me more than you. I heard you regretted it all later but it was too late. But then, something strange happened a few days ago.
I looked at her picture and she was about forgiveness. Forgiving you, me of my mistakes, bullies who I tried to defend her against but she was like, “I got this mom. It’s all good”. She never quit being kind until they became her friends. Forgive. That was her REAL name and I realized to live and be whole I HAD to forgive you. I prayed, I pondered, I cried but finally I sent you the message. I did it and she was right. It is like a stone has been lifted off on me. I let go of the hate, the bitterness and all of it. I feel so different. Just from a simple act of forgiveness.
THAT is the lesson I learned from our daughter. That is who she was. That is how she lived her life.
Now I know why she did.
It was and is at the worst times of my life that I need you, not during the good. The good times are when we can laugh together. But to be able to laugh, it is so needed to have you there when it is storming in my mind, the rain is pouring, I have prayed, cried, tried, or done anything to make this chaos go away.
You always have an excuse or “it is my fault” but love is about being there during those times. You are for others. When I am at my worst is when I need you to be there at your best. I never knew that being there when I was needed but then asking for help when I need it would result in so much judgment. I thought that was what love was for. I believe, of course, I will get through it but I just needed you. And you were gone until everything was fine again. But it has always been that way.
The sweet singing of birds, Children laughing, people smiling.
Butterflies dancing on the flowers, Bees flitting about.
A card or note sent to say I love you, a hug when needed.
ladybugs with their beautiful colors and flowers that color our world.
A baby that smiles for the first time, your child say’s their first word.
Your significant other brings you flowers, you give them the gift they have been wanting and you both smile.
The sound of falling rain, the shaking of thunder.
The world is full of so many beautiful things. We just have to look and take in a breath.
When we are 10, 19 or 20 is old. When we are 20, 40 is old, when we are 30, 50 is old, when we are 50, 80 is old and on the cycle goes. But what I am learning is that old is never old in our minds. Inside of us, we are still young and it is hard to realize time is passing by so fast. But unless there is a medical issue, the older we get, the more we learn, the more we are aware but also we are still the 20 year old hiking, or sitting on the beach, catching those rays of sun, or looking at pictures of our grows kids and thinking, “Man, that went by quick.” But in our minds we know that we are still those young beautiful people who do not just sit in a rocking chair as some assume and glance at nothing. Most of us, if able are still active, have new ideas everyday, new adventures we want to try. So, OLD is NEVER OLD.
Hello world out there! In a society where many people have their contact with other humans here or on social media, we need to connect. It may be joining each other’s facebook to talk with people we have become friends with, such as places like here. Who knows what adventure may come of it? We might actually meet up, a few of us and go do something in the real world. We might live too far away so we connect somewhere. But we NEED the connection. I say what does it hurt to try it? Start a group where we can all keep up with each other, find out what we like and don’t like. What we love and don’t love but if nothing else, connect and make new friends.