We ALL go through bumps in the road, chaos, and so many things and for some of us it is a little different. We have lost children, suffer from anxiety or other things that cannot be seen like a physical illness but that is when I have been shunned the most. How many TIMES do I have to say, YOU do not understand and I am not asking you to but PLEASE over look the times I freak out or I am going through depression and be there as opposed to writing me off because I should not have “acted” that way and you cannot take it anymore.
Along with my issues, I am also the first one to jump when someone needs help or is hurting or needs a friend. I wish sometimes I had people who say they love me who would do the same for me but I have been just cast out of the “group” because I am too overly emotional and it is affecting their happiness. So sad because when they need me, they find a reason to come running back. I do not fit in anymore but it really showed me the difference in my loyalty and theirs. I would still be there if they called and said they needed me.
It is amazing tome how families that used to be close, stick through hard times together and loved each other deeply have now become so separated. Some stick together while casting out any who are not “normal” or cheerful or suffer from depression or anxiety or other things. If it is physical, most will stick by you but not anything else. And with this new group of families, now things are spaced by terms. “Immediate family which is only parents, siblings and Aunts and Uncles are excluded. OF COURSE there are times when just that family gets together but when our kids were growing up we did EVERYTHING together. But the saddest part is seeing the ones shunned because of something they did the family did not like or a self righteous younger one who sets family member against family member. I just do not understand where strong cemented family units went and it is sad. I guess those days are gone for many of us because now instead of, “We are here for you, we will get through this”, it is “I had to set boundaries. You were ugly to me when you were going through grief and depression so I had to exclude from most of my life.” Wow. Just sad.
As you all know now, I still suffer from panic and anxiety and through counseling, I learned it is from traumatic events that I blocked away because it came on, oh about 4 and half years ago. When I finally faced the demons of my daughters death, other things surfaced. Things that had happened that I tucked safely away in my mind. I guess her death opened Pandora’s box.
Life goes on and I am happy in so many ways and thankful but till those old ghost come out at times to taunt me. I do not understand it because I try to just let them go but they linger. Having some of my family’s support once they tried to understand has helped a lot but other members that I loved so much just turned their backs and found reasons to blame me for their reason of not being around. Some of it still confuses me.
They came up with anything they could. But, in the long run, I have to get past that, try to live happy and realize some people, family or not just do not care. They live behind their walls of blame and I wish they would be the Christians they say they are but the Bible I read tells me they should be that way. I know I can be difficult when I have these moments but no amount of trying to explain reaches their ears or hearts.
But, I have to go on, enjoy the family that does care and realize that I cannot depend on them but on me and realize not everyone can handle a family member who has “issues”. So, I am but I have to say, it is hard. So, I am just doing it and for those like me, I just wanted you to know, it is okay. We can do it.
I thought of you as I walked on the beach, sand crunching beneath my feet.
I listened to the sounds of crashing waves you loved so much
as they rush onto the sand and soothe our soul.
I waited, Thinking you might just walk up beside me but I knew it was a dream and you were not here.
I went to the place where we put you to rest,
but to me it is just empty and useless.
You are not here, you never have been.
I look at your photo so many times and fantasize that I could change the events that day and tell you not to get in that car but I know better.
Times does NOT heal all wounds but it just soothes the pain over time so we can survive.
Love does not die, it is just here in my heart and I feel it when I think of you, look at your photo and remember the life we had together.
I wish I had known so many things when you were here that I know now
but I learned them when you went away. When I realized you were truly gone.
I do occasionally put some humor on here, lol, but I started blogging for those people like me who need to hear about lives that are not always happy and glorious and for people who live with the loss of a child or anxiety,
panic or live with someone who has these issues. Autism (my oldest daughter) ADHD, OCD (me) and so we could all relate or maybe someone wanted to knw what it is .
But I also love to read the happy blogs and the blogs about photography and just fun things because they lift me up! I love to see the smiles, the flowers, the gardens or old landmarks and just everything. So, of course in an already dismal world, my page is not as popular as others but I never expected it to be.
But that is what I love about the beauty of blogging. We can all be ourselves and share with each other our realities and our lives.
I have held on to this hate I didn’t even realize was there for almost 12 years. I said I would never forgive you when our daughter died for all the times you were not there for her. I hated you. I hated the fact that she still loved you and saw you when she could but I never said anything because I didn’t want her to think she had to make a choice.
I hated you for having to force you to help me when she needed things because you didn’t pay child support but then you would push her aside if your wife’s daughter got jealous or whatever the case was that month or year. I hated when you remarried and allowed your wife to call her things. Yes, she was grown by then, so young and the autism she fought and mostly won and how kind she was and loving but you never seemed to care.
I especially hated you when I had to force you to help pay for her service when she was killed and then you only asked about the watch you gave her for Christmas two months before back because it had cost you probably more money than you had ever given her or helped with. So many things that I just could not get past and I told you, “Never speak to me again”. But it hurt me more than you. I heard you regretted it all later but it was too late. But then, something strange happened a few days ago.
I looked at her picture and she was about forgiveness. Forgiving you, me of my mistakes, bullies who I tried to defend her against but she was like, “I got this mom. It’s all good”. She never quit being kind until they became her friends. Forgive. That was her REAL name and I realized to live and be whole I HAD to forgive you. I prayed, I pondered, I cried but finally I sent you the message. I did it and she was right. It is like a stone has been lifted off on me. I let go of the hate, the bitterness and all of it. I feel so different. Just from a simple act of forgiveness.
THAT is the lesson I learned from our daughter. That is who she was. That is how she lived her life.
Now I know why she did.
It was and is at the worst times of my life that I need you, not during the good. The good times are when we can laugh together. But to be able to laugh, it is so needed to have you there when it is storming in my mind, the rain is pouring, I have prayed, cried, tried, or done anything to make this chaos go away.
You always have an excuse or “it is my fault” but love is about being there during those times. You are for others. When I am at my worst is when I need you to be there at your best. I never knew that being there when I was needed but then asking for help when I need it would result in so much judgment. I thought that was what love was for. I believe, of course, I will get through it but I just needed you. And you were gone until everything was fine again. But it has always been that way.