It has been really stressful but I am keeping the panic at bay. I have staying busy and I work on my fairies, exercise, write on my zombie book and do my prayer and meditations! But if I were to say I am not having anxiety at all that would be a lie but at least I am keeping it at a point where I can at most times control it! I am good with that. I have had several days of stress but I keep plugging at it and I am not having to add that extra 1/4 that I cut off but twice. So thanks for all of your support fellow bloggers and friends and I hope your days are doing great as well!
Some days are great now and some days I am just a wreck. I have never had something so hard to deal with or understand. I cannot seem to fix this no matter what I do. Yes, it is better than it was but I do prayer, yoga, meditation, stay busy and think positive. I try not to over think anymore, a challenge in itself.
I try to do ALL of the things I have read about and I ty to just “let” things go but I swear, there are still days I am like freaked out. Today both of my arms hurt. why? who freaking knows? I have cut back on a lot of things. I hate it. I hate the feeling it gives me at times. I have even become more social. Oh well, I guess for whatever reason, it is still a fight no matter what I do. But I just keep trying to get better with it. I think maybe I need therapy for my daughter and losing her but after 12 years, I thought I was coping okay with it but I don’t think I am. ANXIETY and PANIC sucks. lol
I fight many battles in life as we all do and some I lose and those are bad days and some I win and those are great days. But I gather strength from God, friends, here most of all, yes, it is true, some family but few. Most do care to be there. Just judge. But as I go along, I realize life is full of battles and we just win as many as we can.
Life is also filled with beauty. The people who show love and compassion (some I have never even met), beautiful blue skies, funny animals, children’s laughter, flowers and nature in general. So I am trying to focus on the beauty, not the battles and I hope for those , like me, you can as well! Have a wonderful day everyone!
I have held on to this hate I didn’t even realize was there for almost 12 years. I said I would never forgive you when our daughter died for all the times you were not there for her. I hated you. I hated the fact that she still loved you and saw you when she could but I never said anything because I didn’t want her to think she had to make a choice.
I hated you for having to force you to help me when she needed things because you didn’t pay child support but then you would push her aside if your wife’s daughter got jealous or whatever the case was that month or year. I hated when you remarried and allowed your wife to call her things. Yes, she was grown by then, so young and the autism she fought and mostly won and how kind she was and loving but you never seemed to care.
I especially hated you when I had to force you to help pay for her service when she was killed and then you only asked about the watch you gave her for Christmas two months before back because it had cost you probably more money than you had ever given her or helped with. So many things that I just could not get past and I told you, “Never speak to me again”. But it hurt me more than you. I heard you regretted it all later but it was too late. But then, something strange happened a few days ago.
I looked at her picture and she was about forgiveness. Forgiving you, me of my mistakes, bullies who I tried to defend her against but she was like, “I got this mom. It’s all good”. She never quit being kind until they became her friends. Forgive. That was her REAL name and I realized to live and be whole I HAD to forgive you. I prayed, I pondered, I cried but finally I sent you the message. I did it and she was right. It is like a stone has been lifted off on me. I let go of the hate, the bitterness and all of it. I feel so different. Just from a simple act of forgiveness.
THAT is the lesson I learned from our daughter. That is who she was. That is how she lived her life.
Now I know why she did.
It was and is at the worst times of my life that I need you, not during the good. The good times are when we can laugh together. But to be able to laugh, it is so needed to have you there when it is storming in my mind, the rain is pouring, I have prayed, cried, tried, or done anything to make this chaos go away.
You always have an excuse or “it is my fault” but love is about being there during those times. You are for others. When I am at my worst is when I need you to be there at your best. I never knew that being there when I was needed but then asking for help when I need it would result in so much judgment. I thought that was what love was for. I believe, of course, I will get through it but I just needed you. And you were gone until everything was fine again. But it has always been that way.
The sweet singing of birds, Children laughing, people smiling.
Butterflies dancing on the flowers, Bees flitting about.
A card or note sent to say I love you, a hug when needed.
ladybugs with their beautiful colors and flowers that color our world.
A baby that smiles for the first time, your child say’s their first word.
Your significant other brings you flowers, you give them the gift they have been wanting and you both smile.
The sound of falling rain, the shaking of thunder.
The world is full of so many beautiful things. We just have to look and take in a breath.
And you call yourself a Christian?
How many times have you heard someone say that? Well, My answer is. No. I call myself a believer of God and Jesus Christ. Today, I associate that word Christian with the pharisees of the Bible. Why? Because most of today’s “Christians” love if you love, they are kind if you are kind and never make a mistake. They do forgive if you beg after you have “offended” or “hurt” them but it takes a lot to get their saintly forgiveness. They love to gossip in the name of “Let’s pray for THAT one. They got issues. They like to helpful to those they choose. God forbid you have an emotional, spiritual or childhood trauma that may cause you to be “different”.
Then you are rejected (they don’t say it, they just do not speak or acknowledge your existence). They find the many specks in your eyes but not the planks blinding theirs. If you are emotionally at a weak stat and you lash out in hurt from what they wounded you with, then YOU are the “Monster” who needs help. Saints like these people cannot possibly have that toxin in their lives. Well, “Christians”, here is what the Bible says. Maybe you review your scripture a little better because churches are failing with the onslaught of perfect “Christians”. Try out these verses:
1 John 1:9-10
Matthew 5:43-48 43″You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. “But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men. “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, read more.
“Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either. “Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back. “Treat others the same way you want them to treat you. “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. “If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. “If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount. “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly Do not be wise in your own estimation
So, I left some Bible verses to be read because most will not even read them. So, For me, I am a believer and a follower of God who fails everyday but I forgive, I love, I try and I am human.