The ability to read people can be hard. In the last few months, someone who has tried to destroy my reputation, my life and my ability to even write or do art because they are like a non stop plague has really affected me. Now, even with the ones they are “allowing” to speak to me because they think they succeeded in destroying me have fake faces and black hearts. They can smile all day and fill it with I love you’s. I believed it before because I loved so deeply but now I can see it for what it is. Fake. However, I did a lot of prayer, breathing and meditation this morning and I am not going to let them win. I am going to soldier on as they say and write, work on art, do my photography even if it means standing it alone. Better that than to be caught up again in a pit of snakes. It is hard because I am a kind person but so many times it is those with good hearts who get trampled on. All I can say is if you find yourself in my position, get the steel plated armor on and fight back by being as strong as you can. Let go of the toxin and let love for yourself take over. I hate when I rant like this but I hope to maybe help someone else who is facing what I have and encourage them. SOLDIER ON. Do NOT give up. 🙂
So much has changed in this new “normal”. Locked in, facetime for family and friends, mask, anxiety, Fear, sickness, tears, a longing to be with those you love, a desire to be in that church you always assumed would be open. The Yoga classes, the gym and the work place where it was always such a chore. the schools where our children met, learned and played. This new “normal” has sucked in so many ways. But there have been blessings too. Learning to appreciate what we took for granted. The freedom to see who we wanted when we wanted, the ones who loved being alone then found that having the opportunity to get out taken away made some of us want to reach out. It has made me have such an appreciation for things I just never worried about. I never knew wearing a mask could be so weird but I know how those with cancer must have felt or feel. The blessings have been seeing just how much we will now absorb and breathe in the ability to be able to be free again. So, along with the chaos cam the blessing of learning again how precious life can be.
WHY? I sometimes ask myself that question. Often, actually. Why I chose to continue to listen to things said to me as a child. I would never be good enough, I was ugly, I caused problems, I was the reason people did bad things and on and on. I was just a kid. But as I was growing up, those thoughts that were seeded started to grow. On the outside, I seemed to be strong and confidant. On the inside I was a disaster waiting to happen.
And one day, it did happen. all of that negativity set in after the death of my second child. Walls inside started to crumble. A strong mind started to shift. I quit being honest. I just kind of fell apart. I caved in to all the thoughts and the toxic talk. My brain accepted it and I fell. Anxiety set in, doubts, fears and so much.
Now, after a lot of Prayer, Meditation, therapy, and positive thoughts I am starting to climb the crumbled wall of my mind back up to the top. Back to the Sun. I know i will rise above this fear and anxiety. it may take time but it took time to get there. Above all, I ask myself WHY did it take so long to realize those words were painful but not true. I don’t know. But as long as I am trying, I guess it does not matter. NEVER let someone’s toxic words or ways come into your head. It destroys. BUT, you can recover if you learn to stop believing them.
I needed to get back to a clearer thinking and mindset so along with my daily Prayer and Meditation time, I started Yoga again and I also did Tai Chi today which I have missed doing very much! I love the relaxation of Tai Chi in helping me to relax my everything. It relaxes me in a different way. I use Yoga more for exercise and yes, some relaxing. I use Tai Chi for a different form and level of relaxing as well as yes, exercise. Confused yet? I hope not. They all just seem to counter balance each other.
I AM excited. I do not know how or what brought it on or how I found it again except maybe through the music, time with myself, prayer or a dream i had. Maybe a combination of all. But I remembered her and I feel her inside of me. The part that was confident. The honest yet caring person. The happy person who approached life head on. The person who didn’t live with anxiety but hope and belief that it will work out. I lost all of that person somewhere and maybe I didn’t get but a part of her back but it was a part I needed really bad. i am hopeful this will help the current me to get back the part of me that helped me to love, laugh, be happy and survive. I realized that I AM happy of course but I felt guilt with it. I hope finding that old me brings itself to me now.
I am just at a drained state of mind. Mentally, I am just at a point where I just cannot even think at times clearly. I have no clue how it came about or what is causing it but it has drained me from writing, art and other things. maybe just the last year has been building up or maybe my mind just needs some serious not over thinking time. Either way, i hope to be more clear headed soon so I can get back to it.
I just pray and wish this Virus could go away. I wish we could all learn from this and I hope we do. I wish that we all learn more about helping the lonely who are always isolated because they have no one, for those who are living with anxious minds I wish that we could all learn how to understand how hard that is. I know. I live it. I wish that somehow, we will all unite together and learn what love is again. I wish upon a star that we, from now on, will enjoy the fresh air, the beauty of the oceans, the joy of laughter and that we can all learn from this Virus how very blessed we have really been.
Sometimes it hits hard, sometimes this day comes up and I get through it with celebrating your life but not this year. Damn it has hit hard. I just keep telling myself to just get through the day. I keep praying for it to ease up on this depression and anxiety. I keep trying to focus on anything to make it easier. But above all, I just keep trying to get through this day. Not think about the car crash that took you and your three friends. The fire of when the car blew up. I am so glad you had already passed before that happened. That would have been the worst if it could get any worse. I love you. Always. Love, Mom.
Many people have asked me how I can do Yoga, meditation and Tai Chi and such and still believe in God. I am always stumped as to how they would think you can’t. Yes, I believe in God and I believe he gave us things like Yoga and meditation, Tai Chi and we can still believe. I can be an Empath, or as some Christians call it, having Discernment. I feel others pains, hurts, fears and anger. Yes I also pray. I believe these are gifts given to us to help along a journey that is often difficult, sad and painful but these bring us back into the Sun. I am also less judgmental, I have great compassion, I can understand the fear of Anxiety. These things help me to travel through it without going insane and to be able to find hope and strength.
Living with Panic and Anxiety and being an Empath/ Discerner is no easy task let me tell you. So, I do use Yoga as a way of releasing it. Yes, I stay on beginner level at times because my energy has been zapped so I do that and it slowly works me back up by easing the anxiety, emotional vampirism and panic. BUT, it is very hard at times. I also use my Tai-Chi to level me out as well as prayer. I find all forms help me to find a balance in the crazy world of my mind. I am blessed but I am constantly on guard. So, for those who may suffer these trials as well as me, try this as a means of escape. It really does work! Have a great day/night wherever you are1