When Life is just confusing… Smile.

I am sometimes so confused by people and life in general so i am learning to just smile and go on. We can be a light for others by our actions and for those who choose different paths or different ways to treat you just smile. And go on. Know that you are good, kind and a wonderful person and do not let negative people who put you down or ignore you or try and find reasons not to like you to go along their way,. It is not worth the effort to wrack our brains on what we did wrong. Nothing, we did nothing wrong.
In life itself, I just do not understand sometimes but there is a reason and a season for everything so again, just smile. Even if we have to grit our teeth while doing it. Because life is what it is and we just have to make the best of what we have and strive to keep getting better. We can control some things in life and some we cannot. But we can accept it and realize that being upset will not change it. Does that mean I never get upset? NO. I have a tendency to over think and to make huge volcanic moutains out of a tiny anthill. BUT, I am trying to change that. Stress less, smile more and sometimes, Grit your teeth while doing it. lol.

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Working on My Fairy and cactus gardens!

It is time to get going. I have the oils out there and I use them for sure. I am into Lavender for calming today as I work on my cactus and fairy gardens. I will post pics as i finish them! For all of my friends on here and also my fellow anxiety pals, have a beautiful day and weekend!

Remember, we get through each struggle a little stronger, a little happier and with knowledge that the battle is hard but we are warriors to be able to fight this anxiety and panic. Every good day is just awesome. Every bad day is weight lifting of the mind.

Life on the Grid

I am enjoying the day, listening to the rain and just hoping all of you out there are having a good day. In a world of chaos, conflict , panic, anxiety and depression, it is nice to also find the joy, peace, good days, a song you just like to hear even if you have listened to it 100 times,lol and well, just have a good day! So to all of my friends out here, I hope it is a great day for you!

Hello Depression and Anxiety my friends that I hate. lol

I do not know where it came from now almost four years ago but I fight it daily and I hate it. I love my life and I am happy but it is a happiness that is dependant on hoping and praying the depression or anxiety does not come. i fight it, I do yoga, I have tried so many things and I would have to say the depression is worse because it is harder to knock but the anxiety and panic are scary. I just wish they would visit a mountain for a while and let me get back to the me who was happy without fear or sadness.

Is it ME or is it THEM?

I am so confused. I am a good person, I think. I just do not understand why so many people have turned away and just ignore me. I am always trying to help, come when needed, and I used to do anything and still do that I could to help. I baked all of the family Birthday cakes and on and on.
However, when I got this panic disorder a few years ago is when it started. I reached out to family and friends to see if anyone could come by or text or pray or just come sit for a couple of hours. I had one friend who came, a sister who came when my husband called and I do have some family I connect with but I was cursed, told I was trying to take advantage of them and that being kind and helping them did NOT mean I was supposed to expect ANYTHING in return.
Needless to say, that hurt. But if I am such a good person and people will not answer my fb post or textes or etc. I can only figure maybe it is because I am outspoken? I am a person who believes it is better to be honest than to be two- faced or like many people now, just be fake, smile, say everything is fine when deep down, they are suffering.
Then the people who want to be friends or close family but only if you agree with everything and never say a word about your issues or if you do, you have to be in awe with their solution and do it or they shun me. If one sister in particular is upset with me, anyone around her ends up not speaking to me. I was also bitter for a while when my daughter died but this year marked 11 years and for anyone who has lost a child, it still hurts. Of COURSE you go on but it hurts. I had five family members contact me to say they were thinking of me and I have a HUGE family.

We were always a close family until my daughter died and then the family got more critical of me each year. I am no saint by any means and I am sure my being outspoken does NOT help but is it me or them? Am I that bad?

I try….. I fail…. I get back up again. But I am real.

Let me start by saying this has Christian content and the basis is how it can be bad to be the “perfect” Christian and how I feel MYSELF about the damage that can do because I do believe that is not what being a Christian is about. It is about being real. That being said, I have to say, as in my title, I may fail but I am real and I have no problem admitting my own failures.
I look and see so many “perfect” Christians and I almost feel sick. They are perfect to everyone on the outside in every way. They do all the church outings, help, know the Bible like the back of their hands but if you watch, they will rarely admit they are wrong about anything Biblically related. If you offend them, they will walk away instead of trying to understand why their Christian brother or sister is bothered. That is not what the Bible says to do.
I screw up all of the time. I get angry. I get upset. I am a Christian and I am NOT in a dark place as I have been told before. I am REAL. I am human. I am not perfect. So, I do not fit the mold to these other Christians who think they are so in line with everything Biblical. Do they reach out to those in need outside of their church? Do they help someone who might need a place to stay for a while although it might “intrude” on their family style?
Do they only go around the people who, like them, smile and act as though nothing is ever wrong in their life? Do they want to be there when someone cries out, “Help me?” Actions. That is what we are called to do. Live in action. We can be human and believe. We can be real and still believe. When was the last time I walked into a church and after going a while, I was able to say, “Hey, I am like so off the charts of the “normal” Christian but I sure would love to have fellowship with some who might fail daily like me even though we get back and try again?” Never.
But here is where I do right. I accept the broken because I am broken, I accept the lost because at times I am lost too sometimes. I can be around those who have problems and identify because I have problems too. I am a Christian but my life is real.

Today I will celebrate your life and test the waters.

It has been 11 long years since you left us. I have never celebrated that day by trying to remember all the beautiful things about you but today I will test those waters. It is kind of like testing the water before you go in a pool. Warm at first but colder as you go. Maybe it will stay warm all of the way. I will pray for the families of the three friends who died with you.
So here is to you Nikki. Your laughter was contagious. Your soul was beautiful. You were bullied but you never stopped until you made friends of those bullies. I know because they told me at your service. You never did tell me. I was proud of you.Your smile was always beaming. You never failed to be nice to everyone and even got fired for being to “nice” to the customers.
You overcame so much of your Autism and other issues because I never told you they were there but even though some remained, it took a while before someone caught on. You ordered tomato soup one year because you were working at Walgreens and it was your money right? So you paid almost 25.00 for 4 cans of tomato soup that cost less than a dollar because you wanted to order online.
You wore party dresses to waffle house and when I ask why, you said, “Because I am dressing for me mom. Not other people. I don’t have anyone to impress”. You learned to hug even though it was hard. You still hugged to the side but you hugged. A big deal with Autism. You loved deeply. You were a champion at doing something until you got it done even when I thought you could not.
You had a light in you that few people have. You loved your baby sister and your family and your friends, Kelli and Kandice and your friend Samuel from Australia and Joel who came to your service driving 12 straight hours even though you had never met. You had tons of online myspace friends that were in your life even be it online.
You loved to sit on the porch and when you left even the neighbors said later they missed the waves and the smiles. You brought a beauty into our world that will never be replaced and as I quoted in the song, “This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.” I love you. Nik. Always. Love, Mom