I went through the next day, calling and thinking maybe you were trying to be a grown adult so you were not trying to get to a home phone but in my heart I knew. I had known since it happened I think that you were in that car wreck but my heart could not accept it. Finally, that evening, your sister called and said “Mom, did you check the hospitals?” I said, “No, but let me call her friend’s dad”. I didn’t want to call. I ask Dan to call her friends dad but I was scared. I whispered, “God, please let it be okay, please”. I heard Dan tell the dad, “No man, just hit me up? What is going on?” Then he came back into the room and fell to his knees. I knew.
It was her in the wreck but we were not allowed to be notified because only one person was thrown out of the car. It had somehow jumped the median from one side of the interstate to the other and was hit by an SUV. Then it rolled off to the side of the road and according to a witness, it exploded. Anyone inside the car was not able to be identified so we were not allowed to be called. Only that father. I went numb. I called your sister and told her to put her boyfriend on the phone. I asked him to bring her home. I knew from the girl who was thrown from the car that it was you. The dad said everyone was killed.
Someone called the family. People started coming. I think I was in a state of shock. All I remember the rest of that day was talking briefly to our moms and your dad’s mom who was telling me she was coming the next morning. I know people came and I know your sister was talking to people and Dan was and your friend from two streets over was there but that is it until the 19th. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I went and sat in your room and I cried.
February 19th. 2007
I am writing on a crap piece of paper I found and I am crying. I cannot do this. I cannot do this. I feel like I cannot breathe. I am crying so bad I think I will never stop. I miss you so much. You were the one in our family who kept us laughing. You looked at everything with hope and it was always, “It’s all good mom, and Where id the love?” when I got upset. You loved your sister like nothing else in this world. You loved people. You loved life. You loved Dan like he was your dad. You simply cannot be gone.
Granny came and your dad’s family is trying to help find out the facts. Your cousin that you are closest in age to is crying, your sister has been crying and so many but I cannot help them. Your cousin in Afghanistan called and he is crying because they won’t let him come home. Dear God, this cannot be real. It is all a very bad dream. Your Aunts and Uncles, cousins, grandparents, sister, Dan. All here Even your dad and his family. I am in house full of people but I am ALONE. So alone. I miss you so much. I cannot believe this is real.
I wish you could understand my world. But you cannot unless you live it. It is not a place you choose to be and they say many things can cause it but I can say that your love and trying to at least understand would mean more than all of the money in the world.
But you choose to see me as a weird person who is crazy or needs mental help because I go through this. Do not be so quick to judge. My panic only started three years ago. You could not understand it so you walked away from it. You chose to run from it like it might be contagious. It isn’t.
So, I have learned to deal with it on my own and some prayer. I have learned to accept that people will talk about me or judge me but I am the same as you. I just have an issue. Live my life and then maybe you can say i have no reason for panic. But I can promise if you ever have panic or anxiety, you will never think again like you do now.
But, I have a couple of people who are trying now to help and understand it. They are there even if they do not know what to do. They have held my hand and sat while I cried. But I am coming through the storm each day and learning that I am STILL the strong person I used to be just a little different in how I view people and life.
I walked alone for a while but there were foot prints in the sand I didn’t see.
Telling myself to let go of the catastrophic thoughts that try to entangle my brain while also trying to release the chaos that is trying to surround it and just make it think clear. My beautiful yet complicated mind. Me
Mine and I love making memories out of photos.
I consider all forms of creating, art. Therefore I love.
Thanks to all my fellow bloggers! so many offer encouragement like today from noelleg44! I am glad some of my blogs encourage and I am glad some of them are real and about life and i am glad some of you are drawn to my silly stuff!
I want you to know that you, likewise encourage me and I love your blogs and try to keep updated although some days i get a lot read and somedays I am working on things and cannot.
Either way, I thank you all and may we all continue to lift each other up and help each other when we are down! have a great day!
I write these blogs to encourage, to help people who suffer from issues I do, to bring hope to some who feel alone and to share stories and talk to fellow bloggers. I write a variety of things from quotes, thoughts on life, issues with panic and anxiety, stories, poems and more. I also share my photography and artwork that i do as part of my headline.
I hope it does help some and encourage. I hope others enjoy the poems, stories and thoughts. I also hope the art and photography brings a smile to some people. So, that is why I blog and I try to read as much as i can from my fellow bloggers, like and share some of the the things I like and although i may not always reply, I am reading. 🙂 Have a great day!