This is a journal I wrote when I lost my oldest daughter Sara. It has taken all of this time to read this that I wrote as a book later but I thought I would share it with my fellow bloggers who have lost a child, from unborn to adult. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone.
This journal/book is filled with raw emotion at times I offer no apologies. Why? Because it is what happened when I lost Nikki ( Nikki to us) Sara to friends. I hope it helps the parents who have lost a child regardless of age because we share a bond no parent wants to ever share. The loss. No two people are alike but one thing that we who have lost do know is how deep and raw the pain can be. It is not to be taken as an offense against anyone. My feelings were real to me and you can only understand if you lost a child. I pray to God you never do.
We love you Sara Nicolle (Nikki) January 14th, 1984- Feb. 17th, 2007
The Day you left us.
It was a normal day. You had celebrated your birthday in January and ask me an odd question. “Mom, is 23 old?” I laughed but I knew you feared getting old. You had slight Autism and some other issues due to being born premature but you were a beautiful unique soul. I said, “No Nik. Your life is just beginning. I didn’t know on that day, you had 33 days left to live.
You were in the shower as I was leaving to pick up your little sister to go get a prom dress. I was going to ask if you wanted to go but I knew you were going somewhere with your friends and it was a big thing for you. You were a homebody and so finally stepping out and going off with friends was important to you. So I told you I loved you and left to go pick her up at her dads.
You called me on the way several times and we talked and you were really excited to be going. I was three minutes from your sister’s dads house when you called. “Heeeeeeeeey, mom. What’s up?” I said, “I am almost there and what’s up with you?”
You were about to tell me and the call cut off. I have no clue how I knew but in my heart, I was in a panic in the three minutes it took to get to her dads. I didn’t say anything to her but I kept trying to call you back.
I met your sister’s new boyfriends mom but I felt “off”. So, after talking to them for about 30 minutes, We left but stopped at Racetrac and got something to drink. Your cousin called and ask if everyone was okay. There had been a bad wreck toward Columbus and he was checking on everyone. His friend worked for the Fire department so he did that a lot when he heard about wrecks. We said we were fine and I said you were fine because you were headed the other way after leaving our house to go to Manchester. I had no idea you and your friends had changed your minds and decided to go to a birthday party in Columbus.
Your sister ask if we should call and check but I told her your phone was out of the service area because that happened every time you went to Manchester so you always had to call me from a home phone. We were picking up your Aunt Sherry and her daughter to go with us and we were running late so we took a back way to her house and headed to Columbus. An odd thought hit me that if it was you I had your license in my purse. It was just a learner’s license because up until now you had been scared to drive after losing friends in car wrecks. You were with three of your friends and the girl driving had a car especially designed for a disability she had.
You had taken pictures two days before and you had asked me if I looked at them. I said no but I would. It ran through my mind, “What if I never get to see her again and tell her I looked at them?” I felt numb the whole day and I just felt so weird. Like I was there with everyone but not there. We shopped all day but I thought it was weird you never called back and I kept waiting for you to call from a home phone. You ALWAYS called. That night I couldn’t sleep. I was awake all night just waiting on that call and trying your number. Nothing.