The Book. Sara’s Story. Copyright 2008

Part of a series of a journal/book.

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This is a journal I wrote when I lost my oldest daughter Sara. It has taken all of this time to read this that I wrote as a book later but I thought I would share it with my fellow bloggers who have lost a child, from unborn to adult. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone.

This journal/book is filled with raw emotion at times I offer no apologies. Why? Because it is what happened when I lost Nikki ( Nikki to us) Sara to friends. I hope it helps the parents who have lost a child regardless of age because we share a bond no parent wants to ever share. The loss. No two people are alike but one thing that we who have lost do know is how deep and raw the pain can be. It is not to be taken as an offense against anyone. My feelings were real to me and you can only understand if you lost a child. I pray to God you never do.

We love you Sara Nicolle (Nikki) January 14th, 1984- Feb. 17th, 2007

The Day you left us.

It was a normal day. You had celebrated your birthday in January and ask me an odd question. “Mom, is 23 old?” I laughed but I knew you feared getting old. You had slight Autism and some other issues due to being born premature but you were a beautiful unique soul. I said, “No Nik. Your life is just beginning. I didn’t know on that day, you had 33 days left to live.

You were in the shower as I was leaving to pick up your little sister to go get a prom dress. I was going to ask if you wanted to go but I knew you were going somewhere with your friends and it was a big thing for you. You were a homebody and so finally stepping out and going off with friends was important to you. So I told you I loved you and left to go pick her up at her dads.

You called me on the way several times and we talked and you were really excited to be going. I was three minutes from your sister’s dads house when you called. “Heeeeeeeeey, mom. What’s up?” I said, “I am almost there and what’s up with you?”
You were about to tell me and the call cut off. I have no clue how I knew but in my heart, I was in a panic in the three minutes it took to get to her dads. I didn’t say anything to her but I kept trying to call you back.

I met your sister’s new boyfriends mom but I felt “off”. So, after talking to them for about 30 minutes, We left but stopped at Racetrac and got something to drink. Your cousin called and ask if everyone was okay. There had been a bad wreck toward Columbus and he was checking on everyone. His friend worked for the Fire department so he did that a lot when he heard about wrecks. We said we were fine and I said you were fine because you were headed the other way after leaving our house to go to Manchester. I had no idea you and your friends had changed your minds and decided to go to a birthday party in Columbus.

Your sister ask if we should call and check but I told her your phone was out of the service area because that happened every time you went to Manchester so you always had to call me from a home phone. We were picking up your Aunt Sherry and her daughter to go with us and we were running late so we took a back way to her house and headed to Columbus. An odd thought hit me that if it was you I had your license in my purse. It was just a learner’s license because up until now you had been scared to drive after losing friends in car wrecks. You were with three of your friends and the girl driving had a car especially designed for a disability she had.

You had taken pictures two days before and you had asked me if I looked at them. I said no but I would. It ran through my mind, “What if I never get to see her again and tell her I looked at them?” I felt numb the whole day and I just felt so weird. Like I was there with everyone but not there. We shopped all day but I thought it was weird you never called back and I kept waiting for you to call from a home phone. You ALWAYS called. That night I couldn’t sleep. I was awake all night just waiting on that call and trying your number. Nothing.

The day you left me……

Where did you go when you left me that day?
Did you go up to Heaven, did you go there to stay?
Do you come see me sometimes and watch what I do?
Are you proud of your mother and does it please you?

Do you cry when I get angry, hold me softly when I’m sad,
Are you really even there or do I just think that if I’m sad?
Do you have a new life there, do you live all your dreams?
Do you look down upon us and laugh at our schemes?

Are you happier now that you don’t need to grow old?
Do you see all the beauty God say’s we’ll behold?
I guess I’m a dreamer when I think you are here,
Saying, “It’s all good mom, be happy with cheer.

I still think of you every day more than you know,
or maybe you do know and I just have to let go.
Go I can do, let go I cannot,
The hole in my heart is left from the spot,

That you took with you then, when you left me that day.
I can learn to go on but you will never go away.

I love you Nik. Always. Love, Mom

God, do you hear me? I think sometimes you do.

God, I often come to you in despair, sometimes in joy, sometimes to talk and sometimes to cry. I often wondered if you heard me and sometimes I still do. But I know that you are listening and I know you know what I need.

You gave me the ability to love art and photography and my family and people. Abused animals and children are what I hurt for the most. People say why do bad things happen? I don’t always know but I know that we have free will. When a person does something bad, you are blamed first.

Why? You gave us minds to think on our own and to choose our own paths. if a person kills, steals, rapes. abusesĀ  or other horrific things, it was a choice they made. I sometimes question you and ask, “Are you listening? Don’t you hear my cry?” But yes, you do. I just don’t always have the patience to wait out the answer.

I am human and sometimes God, I get mad at how the answers turn out and I get hurt when I have asked and it doesn’t come to be. But then, I am human. And we know how that goes. So I just wanted to say that even when i am unsure, yes, I know you are listening and sometimes, when I stop long enough to give you a chance, I feel you there.

I often question

Yes, I sometimes question God. Quite often actually. But I know that I am honest when I pray about I feel. I do not sugarcoat because sometimes I do NOT understand why.

I don’t understand many things so I question them. I ask God all kinds of questions. I asked when i am hurt, lonely, confused, angry or whatever.

But that is okay because even if I am asking questions, he knows I at least care enough to ask and that means I am there, spending time and trying to get the answers.

Why are we bad examples as Christians?

Why? Simple. because so many of us judge, think we are “better” than the “non” Christians and we are haughty, rude and sometimes downright mean. That is not what the example of Christ is supposed to be.

Don’t get me wrong. We are humans and therefore we fail. period. We are supposed to love unconditionally but that doesn’t mean we have to be doormats. What it does mean is do not expect a person who does not believe to be like you. First of all, we are to show the example, not judge the person or people who believe different.

Also, there are plenty of non Christians who are kinder than we are. That is sad. We should try and show the love of Christ through example but not by brow beating or judging or not keeping “company” with those we feel are not “like” us. Remember Jesus dined, walked and was among those that had no belief in him and had lifestyles not accepted in that time.

The very people we shun are the very people we should be talking to. Yes, we hang with other Christians but we also hang with those who are not. How can you show an example if you are never around them. Our churches are just building. The real church is us. So, we need to practice what we preach. IF we have done all we could and we are still mocked, scorned and treated bad no matter what we do, then love but walk away.

However, also remember when you pass that beggar on the street, or ignore someone asking for food, judge because someone isn’t “like” you, you are worse than they ever were. Be the example, not the Judge.