I know you don’t like and many others don’t either but I don’t understand why. Is it because I am honest and say what I think? Is it because I can read people pretty well and you are aloof because you think I will see you for what you are? Maybe I see you as a really good person. Maybe I see you as hurting like me. Is that so bad?
Is it because I do anything I can for anyone? Yes, I am used by some people need me and shunned when they don’t many times but I am aware of it. I just choose to accept it. I am not dumb or just oblivious to what they are doing. I. just. accept. it. That does not make me a bad person. No, I am not fake. What you see is what you get but I guess if I am not with the “in people” of today, I am just too much. Why? Because I express my pain or hurt? Because I cry sometimes? Because I do not agree with everything you say or do? I don’t judge you. I just don’t agree with it and you can disagree with me and that is okay.
But still, you don’t like me. Why? I just do not understand.
Sometimes I DO get angry that I cannot be accepted for who I am and still be loved. I understand I can be out spoken, that I do not live the way most do, happy, hiding behind pain, or some who are just fake and smile at everyone but talk about them behind their back. Or even just nice people who cannot deal with any emotions except joy and smiling and I do not begrudge them, they just have to be who they are and I love them anyway.
However, in most cases I cannot get the same back in return. Yes, I laugh and I have fun. But I do not hide my pain because I can’t. I survive this crazy world of panic and anxiety but I also know that brings with it a lot of over thinking and things like that. I am outspoken yes, but at least I am honest about it. I am REAL.
I do not have friends because people cannot take a blunt, open person I guess. Or they cannot face a person with “issues”. But sadly, they never meet the person with the big heart who will do anything I can for anyone. Who cries for those who are broken. Who wants to be a part of things but sometimes I am aware I will not be accepted.
I just want to know why people can’t accept me as I am and still love me?
We are so complicated, each of us unique in our way. But the more I watch people, myself included, I realize we are all unique yet alike in many ways. We say we could care less but we do care. Somewhere deep inside, we really do. We hide our feelings and some of us express them maybe too much but others bottle them up until they explode like a volcano until it explodes.
We forgive but some forgive and hold on while some of us forgive and get hurt over and over but we still do it. We laugh when we want to cry or cry when we want to laugh. We wish people understood what we go through but when we try to explain it, they just cannot understand even when they try.
Our world is a chaotic, upside down, fairground where anything can happen. We can and most of us do control it but when the fear sets in it is real.And it hits in so many different ways. Mine is usually with people. I know for me, I have a hard time telling when someone is mad or it is just my over thinking mind telling me that.
We are unique yes, but we are also some of the most compassionate humans who want love and be loved on the planet. Because we know and face fear or run from it everyday. We live in a large multi colored bubble of feelings and we battle it everyday.
I have had so many ups and downs with anxiety this month and trying to re-direct my mind and strange feelings in my body I just don’t know where to begin. The anxiety meds were the same brand but from a different manufacturer. (Found that out from Pharmacist) so that has made for a painful month. Edgy, worried, the meds made me usual but usually they just keep anxiety and panic away.
So I tried a variety of different things and of course, few worked but some did. i even tried the new CALM app. It is good but you know anxiety. I almost had a panic attack. I have not slept well because I am overthinking everything. all. night. long.Sooooo, needless to say, my advice is always, always ask your pharmacist if your same brand meds are from the same manufacturer you usually get them from.
However, so far, i am toughing it out. Just so very frustrating. ugh. lol.
They do try but we cannot let them or they will destroy us. Think of them as a toxic friend and stay away. That is more I am learning as I learn each day how to battle these monsters.
Get creative. Read, write, concentrate on something at work. pray, meditate, yoga, breathing , singing, listen to music but keep fighting! It is within us! We can do this! It isn’t easy but it can be DONE!
You cannot help what you do not understand.
The fear, the darkness that threatens to overtake me
The way my own mind scares me at times
And makes me think things that are not even there.
The way I think
the way I love
the way I cry
why I cry
The desire to be loved, when I am
But cannot see it
To be accepted, needed, even though I am but my panic and anxiety sometimes have me live in a world where it is my reality, even if it isn’t true.
The fear of not being in control of my life
The torture of trying to understand
Fake people and real people
All of these are the demons of my mind. To help me, you have to understand them.
From ‘The Book of Understanding. Kindle L.S. Rockel
I have realized I have two mes. Not a split personality but one part of me that is the old me, still strong and bold. The other me that started when the panic and anxiety came and I seem to cause everything to bother me or I get anxious or panicked. Same person but conflicting emotions.
There are times when I am fine and I handle things like I used to. That person had deep faith, a strong personality, to strong sometimes and then there is the panic me that worries about everything, prays to get that strength back in whole , cries, panics, worries and that part of me I do not like.
Because it shouldn’t be happening but it is. Maybe some of it is past issues and maybe some of it is things I repressed for so long coming out but whichever, not something I like.
I sometimes wonder if I can use the old me to goad the me now into going back and fixing whatever started this. But I think I have to just stop over thinking. I have to stop making disasters out of things that have not and probably will NOT happen. BUT, if they do, then I just have to deal with it.
What about my fellow brothers and sisters who go through this? Do yuo have a thought, opinion or advice?