When I lost my children, one at two days, my son Ryan, and my daughter, Nikki in a wreck with three of her friends, I did not realize how much grief can change on a daily basis. It takes a while to get over the shock that numbs you from going insane but it does not stop the pain or tears. I never realized the ups and down and like a flowing river, you have calm places, turbulent areas and dangerous pulls. Grief has been like that to me. I have times I am calm and smile at the memories. Days when I fall apart and just cry. I also have days when anger overcomes it all and I find myself fighting the pain. As time goes on I find more days of calm water but the under current is always there. Waiting.
I am glad women are speaking out about their babies that are stillborn, babies that do not make it to full term and babies who live for short periods but never make it home from the Hospitals. My mother was pregnant when I was young, apparently my little sister was stillborn. I know she named her Wendy, we waited for a baby that never came home. I remember little bags being sent from our mom with candy and gum in them to us. Then she came home with no baby. we knew she went in to have one. The only thing really said was that Wendy went to heaven. That was it and then Life went on because we didn’t or were not allowed to question about it. There was not even a service. I have no clue what happened to the baby. I called them “silent babies” to myself later on.
Later, I had my son, who only lived two days. I was in great pain in my heart but never spoke much about it after the service I did have for him. I actually never even mentioned him until a few short years ago. I do not even know why other than it was just so painful. even the babies later on that I never carried past three months trying to have my youngest daughter were ever spoken of. Now, women are talking about it and I am glad. These were our babies. They have a place in our hearts and in this World to be remembered. Another good in freaky 2020.
When I lost first my son and then my daughter, each time I dealt with it differently. My son who was 2 days old, I can still rarely talk about. My daughter who was killed in a wreck with her three friends, I talk about a lot. But I started watching how differently people deal with grief. It was interesting. Some never can get past the grief and live it daily. Some immediately start giving away all but a few things of their loved one while others hang on forever to every thing that belonged to their loved one. Some stay angry, some find peace, some understand others who lost some do not and cannot focus on anything but their grief. Some of that used to bother me. But I have realized that however you deal with the grief if it is what you need or how you need it is okay. Because it is your grief and your loss. So whichever path you take, I personally wish you some kind of peace and love.
Sometimes I cry because this life can be so lonely and then others I am overwhelmed with joy at those times when I can be happy. It is so hard not to have friends. It is so hard to know you are not accepted like other people because you are just so blunt and so different. But then joy comes with the few who love you. Usually the younger ones or the ones who know your pain. I am in one of those modes today. Just crying because I feel so damn alone. But I come here at those times where I am accepted just as I am. I come here on the joy days to share some of the things I find funny. I come here just to feel accepted by others who have never even physically given me a hug. Sorry. Just a down day. lol. But I have the good days too and for that I am blessed.
I had heard many stories of elderly couples whose spouse got sick and they had to be apart after years of being with each other. It has been devastating for them. It happened to my family this week. After a battle with many cancers, my dad was finally beating another. He was weak but recovering at home. Then the virus hit and his Doctor appointments were cancelled but he seemed to be okay. Then, he started having pain. We had ambulances come to check him but he was scared to go to the hospital. He knew he would be separated from my mom due to the Covid-19 rules. Finally, he had to go. They took him and no she couldn’t be there. due to his pain, he was checked. No Covid-19 but his Cancer had come back and he had it everywhere. He had to spend his first 24 hours away from any of us. Then he was moved to Hospice, where, thank God, my mom was allowed to spend his last few hours with him though no other family. They had never spent much time apart in all of their marriage. If not for the brief hours at Hospice, he would have had to die alone with NO family. PLEASE if you know of any families going through this, elderly or even young families, find a way you can be there for them. There are so many ways to reach out if you cannot be there in person. Hugs to all of us fellow/bloggers/ writers. Rest well now my sweet Dad.
I always think of you. That is just a given. But today, the Sun came out and I thought of your beautiful smile and your laughter that lit up a room. You were such a beautiful soul and you always made people happy. You loved life, you loved every. single. aspect. of it. You were the Sun on a rainy day and the World is a lonelier place without you. The only good thing is that you do not have to see what is going on and live with it. This virus would have scared you so much. But you are safe my sweet child and nothing can harm you anymore. Not a virus, not bullies and your memory shines on through it all. I love. you. always. Love, Mom.