Sometimes I cry because this life can be so lonely and then others I am overwhelmed with joy at those times when I can be happy. It is so hard not to have friends. It is so hard to know you are not accepted like other people because you are just so blunt and so different. But then joy comes with the few who love you. Usually the younger ones or the ones who know your pain. I am in one of those modes today. Just crying because I feel so damn alone. But I come here at those times where I am accepted just as I am. I come here on the joy days to share some of the things I find funny. I come here just to feel accepted by others who have never even physically given me a hug. Sorry. Just a down day. lol. But I have the good days too and for that I am blessed.
I had a real eye opener after speaking with someone with depression. I always just assumed and never looked into the difference because I figured it was the same thing. It is not. at. all. This is a person who is always trying to uplift others, smiling, bringing cheer wherever she is and yet, I found out that inside of her, a sense of gloom lives. Now I am wording this according to what I think she meant because I cannot give word for word what she said but I took from it that she was saying, that although she would never commit suicide, it is just a feeling of why? You know why go on? That she is many times overwhelmed with the things in life that just it seems no matter what she does, it is always that gloom hanging around. Again, my words discerned from what she said. Not her exact words. But it is like I guess a sense of doom or why does it matter? And yet she, on the outside would appear to be one of the happiest, most optimistic, friendly people you could ever meet while inside this battle of sadness. I just never knew. For that I now have a better glimpse of why we miss some of those with Depression when they are right in front of us. IF you suffer from it, please feel free to contact me. I will do my best to get you through that moment. That part IS similar to Anxiety. Just get through that moment.
Today I was told that I am acting like a Victim because I have anxiety and I am weak. NO. Actually, I neither a Victim nor Weak. Quite the opposite. I am a fighter! I fight everyday to battle my mind. I fight everyday to let the joy shine through over a Condition I didn’t ask for. I am NOT a victim or weak if I ask for someone to shoot me a text or call. I think that is just human compassion. I am not a victim or weak because I have a moment where I cannot be there to help this person with what they want at the moment. I just need a bit to get back on track. So, NO! I am NOT what you say just because you are looking for a bag to punch! I am a Survivor and I am a Fighter. So, if someone tells you these remember, it takes a lot to live with condition but we do and we are NOT weak or a VICTIM.
I am slowly training my brain to try and take my mind back. By that, I mean trying to overpower the Anxiety and Panic I get and put my brain where it was 5 years ago before I got this condition that I am understanding more and more each day. So, I am believing and I am working hard on telling myself that fear does not have to rule me. Fear does not have to run my life. I was of a strong mind before and I can be again! I will not lie, it IS a battle but I think , no, I know that if I can learn to take control of my brain back, I can overcome this. Have a wonderful day/night where ever you are.
Too many tears, so many lies, mistrust is never far.
Lost empty fear which divides the heart.
Chains of wisdom and chains of fear bind so many.
As they struggle between trust, love and abandonment.
Trying to conquer the demons within
While looking through rose colored panes.
Sadness, rejection, hopeful, hopeless, blessed, feeling cursed, drained but determined.
Happy yet angry, loved and loving but crazy with despair.
Sun shines, rain falls, bleak hope while searching for that silver lining.
Love, hate, hurt, heal, tortures of the soul.
Broken again, Broken can heal, Broken can be stitched back together
But Broken will always shows the scars of the Journey.
Doubt causes me so much anxiety. Because of that I try to keep doubts, fears and panic at bay. I am thankful and blessed I have Prayer, Yoga and Meditation to help keep me grounded. It works many times but there are times when I can do them all and still have to fight. But at least I can fight it and for that I am grateful. So, to my fellow endurers, do our best, try our hardest and get a smile in there with every success!
Sometimes it hits hard, sometimes this day comes up and I get through it with celebrating your life but not this year. Damn it has hit hard. I just keep telling myself to just get through the day. I keep praying for it to ease up on this depression and anxiety. I keep trying to focus on anything to make it easier. But above all, I just keep trying to get through this day. Not think about the car crash that took you and your three friends. The fire of when the car blew up. I am so glad you had already passed before that happened. That would have been the worst if it could get any worse. I love you. Always. Love, Mom.
Please remember those who are suffering the loss of a loved one or who have depression during this Holiday season. It is some of the roughest times ESPECIALLY if we lost around or during this time. It is when we need you a lot. Please call or text or just check in. It could make a world of difference in those who are suffering. Or maybe just need to feel like someone cares! Thanks so much and I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving or whatever Holiday you celebrate or just a great day! I know it is tomorrow but many may be busy.