Perhaps I did…..When she died……

Perhaps I did go a little crazy when she died. Maybe losing the child you gave birth to and watched grow up and cared for with her disability and never realized she would be gone without warning at 23 made me different.

You do not understand and I hope you never do understand. That means you lost your child too and I wouldn’t want to wish that on anyone. It is a loss you learn to live with but never get over.You learn to laugh again and God brings other love into your life but it does not take away the pain at times.

I became better in some ways but in others I changed. I needed more from those I loved, I was scared and I was devastated. I developed panic issues. I went through the five stages. I went through Hell and came back a little burned. i turned back to God and I have tried to make her proud.

I have loved my only other child and adore my  gbabies. I love my husband and son-in-law. I love mom and other mom. And step dad and other family. But, yes I changed. When you lose a child you always do. I hope you never have to look at me and say,  ” I understand”.

 

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Photography: I love all of it!

I post some of mine on here. Here is one. This is a form of trick photography. These are not actually on the stands. they are bubbles I took photos of, the real bubbles you blow and then I cloned them onto the candle holders.

I do not understand me, so how can you?

I do not understand what brings bouts of panic. i have read about it, I have studied it I am living it. But I still do not understand it. I try to be more positive, keep negative thoughts out of my head, exercise, do Yoga and I pray.

I do not know why i am fine and then it hits. Hard. All I know is it does. I know it can hit when i least expect although it never seems to do it on the days I have my gbaby. maybe because she makes me laugh. Or when i see my other two gbabies.  I have my husband trying to understand and support me but I see the confusion when he cannot understand what it is and he is going to school for Counseling.

But that is why this is so hard for others to help. I can say the people who are trying help more than they know. I do know that it is something that is occurring less and less. But still, if i do not understand it, how can you?

Anxiety & Panic: Letting go

Sometimes we just have to let it go. That is almost an oxy moron when it comes to panic and anxiety but I have learned that it is true. Does it always work? No. BUT when dealing with this, any good day counts. So, I try to just say hey, it is not going to change by getting anxious.

I try the breathing and I try to just get my mind on anything that changes my course of thought. Reading a fiction book, listening to music while I stare at the you tube video. Yoga, prayer, yelling in my head STOP! That is effective, believe it or not. That thing that AA has actually works too. The courage to accept things I cannot change, change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference or it goes something like that.

I will NOT argue if I can avoid it. I spend more time writing and less time on face book where things can upset me. If people like us, then great. If they don’t who cares? It is not going to change it if we get upset or whatever.

We are who we are and we have to accept it and go on. When I feel those “moments” I work to try and change them. And my biggest thing I have discovered? It IS true. The adrenaline in the body can only hold out so long before it eases up. Acknowledge that you are having a moment and work your brain to get past it.

I am learning NOT to dwell on what bothers me and to stop OVER thinking EVERYTHING. We have life and we need to enjoy it and be happy. We deserve it, we can have it and we should. My car was totaled over a week ago because I was being nice and let a friend use it. It was three years old and yes, at first I DID panic but then I decided to let it go. If I can get another car, I will. If not, then it is what it is.

So fellow friends, let’s try to continue our journey to conquer because we can. Yes, we can but we have to hold on. 🙂

 

ADDICTION- The Silent Destroyer

Most of us have one. An addiction to something and that in itself is okay I guess. But there are other addictions that are stronger, more dangerous and they destroy. So, I will focus on the top ones I think are the most destructive and cause the most damage. Listed as follows: Pornography and drugs. There are many many more but these two seem to me to destroy the most lives of everyone around them.

Let’s start with pornography. People who watch it think it, “Hey, it is up to me, or in some cases, me and  my partner” but that is not really the case, in my opinion. First, it degrades the women AND men in the films. It gives a view of an unrealistic way of how sex should be. It leads some people to the lowest form which is child pornography. As for the adult pornography, eventually, it comes to a point where it is almost not even real sex. It is just people doing a ritual with one after another after another for hours on end.

Pornography destroys lives, marriages, families, children and it is a debased way of thinking. Sex is meant to be a beautiful union between two people. I know many will disagree with me but this is, just my opinion. How can any woman compete with a woman on a movie who usually looks like she is in top form, can do anything and I mean anything and a man who, well most men would envy I suppose.

I am not a person who has been around the block but I have watched it to see what the big deal was and I see men who are unusually um, well endowed i guess i should say and women who look like they have never lived out side of a gym. Perfect bodies and well, you get the point. The problem? Most men are average, most women are flawed in some area so the expectations will never be met. The most destruction though comes from the fact that it destroys so many people and to me that is sad. For whatever reason, it does something to the mind and normal isn’t normal anymore.

Drugs. Wow, this one could go on and on. Alcoholics are to me a part of this group.  Once a person becomes addicted to drugs, that becomes their God. They will do anything, say anything and go to any lengths to get what they need.  There is no path they wont cross, no heart they won’t break, no thing or person who will stop them and no lie they won’t tell. It isn’t personal. It is addiction. Parents, spouses,  children, friends, family. It isn’t about trying to hurt them but about an addiction that has taken over their lives. Whether it is prescription, illegal, or a combination of both the destruction goes in so many ways.

Loss of families, homes, jobs, feelings, lack of empathy, lack of clear or good thinking, loss of morals, making them also do things they would have never done before. So, we are at war and until or if we ever win this war, i think addictions like these are the saddest thing to ever hit our world.