Perhaps I did go a little crazy when she died. Maybe losing the child you gave birth to and watched grow up and cared for with her disability and never realized she would be gone without warning at 23 made me different.
You do not understand and I hope you never do understand. That means you lost your child too and I wouldn’t want to wish that on anyone. It is a loss you learn to live with but never get over.You learn to laugh again and God brings other love into your life but it does not take away the pain at times.
I became better in some ways but in others I changed. I needed more from those I loved, I was scared and I was devastated. I developed panic issues. I went through the five stages. I went through Hell and came back a little burned. i turned back to God and I have tried to make her proud.
I have loved my only other child and adore my gbabies. I love my husband and son-in-law. I love mom and other mom. And step dad and other family. But, yes I changed. When you lose a child you always do. I hope you never have to look at me and say, ” I understand”.
I was reading one of my books last night and I realized part of my anxiety was as the book said, we tend to live in the past which causes us anxiety when things have changed. That you have to let the past stay where it was and go on. That is why I am blessed and happy to be able to have been offered this opportunity to work with addicted newborns.
It is voluntary at first and then I will take it from there. They need nurturing and a lot of holding because they are going through painful withdrawals. I go and rock and talk to them and comfort them and then try to help ease their pain with love.
I think and hope it will not only help them but me to live in the moment of helping an innocent baby who needs me. I can then let go of all past things (not forgetting but letting go) and realize, I hope, that these little babies need the love I give my grandson and granddaughter. I have to realize the old saying also from AA.
I have to accept the things I cannot change, change things that can be changed and the wisdom to know the difference. That was just part of the AA slogan but since I have never been that is all I can remember from reading about it. I cannot hold on to people who do want to be a part of my life. Just love them. And let go. You cannot force compassion, love or someone loving you. they either do or they don’t . They will have compassion or they will judge. They will think they are above you being in their life or have you in it as little as possible. So, instead of letting that bother me, God Willing, I will hopefully, learn to let all that go and live for the ones who need me as much as I need them.
Holding on and trying not to let the little things become monsters in the light. Learning to adjust to the mind set of just letting go and going on past that “thing” that is trying to enslave me.
Going through the steps needed to teach us and me how we overcome and say enough of this! It is a battle but then there are victories so relying on the victories to try and topple the panic and anxiety. Learning to be alone and be okay.
Because we can do this!
Sometimes we just have to let it go. That is almost an oxy moron when it comes to panic and anxiety but I have learned that it is true. Does it always work? No. BUT when dealing with this, any good day counts. So, I try to just say hey, it is not going to change by getting anxious.
I try the breathing and I try to just get my mind on anything that changes my course of thought. Reading a fiction book, listening to music while I stare at the you tube video. Yoga, prayer, yelling in my head STOP! That is effective, believe it or not. That thing that AA has actually works too. The courage to accept things I cannot change, change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference or it goes something like that.
I will NOT argue if I can avoid it. I spend more time writing and less time on face book where things can upset me. If people like us, then great. If they don’t who cares? It is not going to change it if we get upset or whatever.
We are who we are and we have to accept it and go on. When I feel those “moments” I work to try and change them. And my biggest thing I have discovered? It IS true. The adrenaline in the body can only hold out so long before it eases up. Acknowledge that you are having a moment and work your brain to get past it.
I am learning NOT to dwell on what bothers me and to stop OVER thinking EVERYTHING. We have life and we need to enjoy it and be happy. We deserve it, we can have it and we should. My car was totaled over a week ago because I was being nice and let a friend use it. It was three years old and yes, at first I DID panic but then I decided to let it go. If I can get another car, I will. If not, then it is what it is.
So fellow friends, let’s try to continue our journey to conquer because we can. Yes, we can but we have to hold on. 🙂
Love is a word so easily used but real love is rarely applied in some cases. WHAT then is REAL love? Real love is showing you care in some form or fashion. Whether it is a phone call to someone if you cannot get there when they are sick, or down, or just need human interaction.
Real love is not assaulting them when they reach out for help by telling them they are selfish because you are busy and doing the best that you can. It is not giving them the 500 excuses of why you couldn’t come, forgot to call, meant to write, tried to get there and just couldn’t find 10 seconds in this world of cyber everything to put an I love you or I am praying for you or thinking of you.
It is a flower picked from the road for someone you know is sad but you didn’t have the money to buy a bouquet. It is holding their hand when they cannot get through something alone. It is a call, a note, a text it is anything that shows that you want to be there for them.
If you can take time to stop at a store, answer a phone call, send a text, go to “meetings” or spend hours at conferences, go fishing, hunting, shopping, go out to eat or basically breathe, then you can show someone who may need you “real” Love. The excuses you give as to why you can’t are just that. Excuses. Remember that next time you KNOW someone needs you or is suffering. That one small thing is something they will never forget.
God, I often come to you in despair, sometimes in joy, sometimes to talk and sometimes to cry. I often wondered if you heard me and sometimes I still do. But I know that you are listening and I know you know what I need.
You gave me the ability to love art and photography and my family and people. Abused animals and children are what I hurt for the most. People say why do bad things happen? I don’t always know but I know that we have free will. When a person does something bad, you are blamed first.
Why? You gave us minds to think on our own and to choose our own paths. if a person kills, steals, rapes. abuses or other horrific things, it was a choice they made. I sometimes question you and ask, “Are you listening? Don’t you hear my cry?” But yes, you do. I just don’t always have the patience to wait out the answer.
I am human and sometimes God, I get mad at how the answers turn out and I get hurt when I have asked and it doesn’t come to be. But then, I am human. And we know how that goes. So I just wanted to say that even when i am unsure, yes, I know you are listening and sometimes, when I stop long enough to give you a chance, I feel you there.
Not the first year. Not much the second year but when she died, when did you forget her? Her name is rarely mentioned, her fb is never written in memory, her picture is never liked. Did you forget her when it was less painful to remember or did you just not really think of her even before?
Did you forget what she brought to our lives? Did you forget as life went on and it really meant that forgetting her was part of it? Do you ever go to her site and just remember? Did you forget how she laughed, did your forget her beautiful smile?
I wonder because I did not, can not and will not. I will never forget the horrible crash or the fire that consumed her body so that we could only do a cremation. I will never forget the part of my heart that left with her and I am glad because I am reminded everyday she is gone. I am glad she does not have to suffer anymore but I still remember.
Did you forget her when it became more of a hassle to put somewhere that you loved her? Was it because she was 23 and not 10 when she died? Was it because she meant nothing of enough importance to even think about? Look at her picture, think of who she was and I hope, then, you remember.
Thanks to all my fellow bloggers! so many offer encouragement like today from noelleg44! I am glad some of my blogs encourage and I am glad some of them are real and about life and i am glad some of you are drawn to my silly stuff!
I want you to know that you, likewise encourage me and I love your blogs and try to keep updated although some days i get a lot read and somedays I am working on things and cannot.
Either way, I thank you all and may we all continue to lift each other up and help each other when we are down! have a great day!
A zombie world
By: L.S. Rockel
Copyright 2014 All Rights reserved
North Georgia & Florida
It started with a virus. They all start with a virus of some sort. This virus came from a lab rat who escaped during testing for various cures but it was infected. A careless employee forgot to close the cage after hearing one of the other other animals trying to tear out of theirs. The Rat chewed its way out of the lab, through a very thin wall and out until it made its way to a subdivision nearly 20 minutes away. By this point the infection was raging and the rat wanted to feed. It only had a few hours left before lack of feeding on fresh blood would kill it.
It chewed its way into a garage where Mack Buyers, an accountant with a love for anything risky, was taking a week of vacation time in Florida to surf and play around. He had left his car door open while grabbing luggage for the airport. The rat jumped into the car and waited. Mack drove to the airport and as he was getting his luggage, the rat grabbed his hand with its teeth and bit in. Mack flung the rat off and, being in a hurry so as not to miss his flight, got his first aid kit and applied some antibiotic cream and a couple of band aids. He would find a Doctor when he got to Florida. Right now he needed to catch that flight.
When the rat was able to get back up, it was by now in an almost rabid state. It attacked a flight attendant when she got out of her car and bit her on the calf where it finally drew some much needed blood. A journalist just arriving home heard her scream and came running to assist her. As he jerked the rat off, it jumped onto his arm where it bit him before he was able to fling it down and stomp on it. The rat was dead but the virus was just beginning.
The flight attendant, Janice Dodge, boarded her plane where she treated the bite until she could land and see a doctor, which she did 6 hours later. She was immune and would never run a fever but she was such a rarity, her battle would be fighting those who were not immune. Janice had been a flight attendant since she was 24.