I never imagined when I wrote yesterday about my dog that today he would have to leave us… I did stay up with him all night as seizure after seizure hit and the Vet was closed. I still hoped when he fell asleep at 5 a.m. he was going to be okay. Then this morning he had another seizure. His breathing got worse so we called the Vet and took him there. Our only solution was to put him to sleep. I am devastated. I held him in my arms as my sweet Vet talked us through it. My sweet Buddy peacefully slept for good as he rested his head onto my arm. I was beyond hysterical as the tears fell and are still falling. I came home and I realized my almost 15 year old friend would never greet me again. I miss him so very, very, much. I love you Sweet Buddy. I never thought yesterday would be your last day with me.
Tonight I am sitting by my little dog Buddy and praying he will be okay. It is raining hard outside tonight and the tears are falling as I watch him. He is right at 15 years old. we found out a few months ago he had a part of his heart that is enlarged and causes seizures. he had four today. They said no operating because of his age and that he would not live through it. This little guy was there when my daughter died. he would just sit beside me as I cried so many times and never move. He has been with me at my loneliest. He has been my steady, helpful friend my loyal little Buddy. He has helped me through nights of anxiety or panic so bad that I would hold him crying just to get through. So tonight, I am sitting with him. I am going to be his friend so he isn’t alone as we fight through these seizures. I will be his comfort, I will pet him so he isn’t scared. Tonight my sweet Buddy, I am here for you. As it rains from the sky, so it does from my heart. I love you.
So, I finally got to go see my mom and I decided to stay the night with her. Inside, she has three small dogs (all conned into taking by the grandchildren) and they are like rulers of a Kingdom. They do what they want, when they want and how they want. That includes sleeping. I went to bed and her they come. Jumping up with me on my bed except for the 2 pound one who spend s the whole night jumping down only to cry five minutes later for me to put her back up. WOW! Needless to say, I got about two hours of sleep. Yes, they are loved and this is their Kingdom and I must say, they rule it well. hahahaha.
It is all over the place. happy, anxious, sad and over thinking as usual. I am trying some of the techniques that you fellow bloggers have given me and I just have to scream STOP to my mind long enough to make it process. So, I am so thankful for your advice and now if I can just slow it down just a bit I can not overthink long enough to try the advice. I am for sure doing my Yoga and other things I do today. prayer is a constant. Thanks to all of you who come here. I try and read all of the post I can. Sometimes it takes my stars off but I am reading them! 🙂
well the time comes when the kids get their first “real” girlfriend or boyfriend and they bring them home to meet the “rents”. This was my experience. Hope yours went or goes better. hahahahahahaha.
STEP ONE: Telling the parents:
“Hey. I am bringing (Adam), name changed to protect privacy) home to meet you and dad but I wanted to go over some stuff first.
STEP TWO: Rules of engagement:
“Now. Please do NOT say anything about vegans. His mom is one. Please do not talk any politics. His dad does not like your choice”.
“Um, do not mention any of your funny things about me as a kid. I will just die of embarrassment”.
“Could we not have my brother come out of his room (although he lives here too) He may say something that Adam finds offensive and I really, really like him”.
“Also, he is very sensitive about his retainer so do not mention anything about teeth please. AT all. And Adam is like really into music you do not like so let’s not discuss anything concerning music, or where he lives or what his parents do or what you and dad too for a living and generally just like, um, let us talk and you just kind of smile and listen. Unless of course he ask you something. Oh, and do not compliment his smile. he gets upset”.
I look at her oddly.
Daughter: “Well I don’t actually know if he gets upset but I am sure he might”.
Me: “So, basically just sit there like a life form and look at your boyfriend. Am I allowed to go pee? or is that out too”?
Daughter: Huffs. “Mom, I think you are going a bit overboard.
Me: I roll my eyes.
Daughter: “Please do NOT roll your eyes when he is here. he may take that as a sign of aggression”.
Me: “Is he human or a bear”?
Needless to say, the species male Adam came. he was funny, he joked around and he never went into shock at the sight of his girlfriends parents. He did ask questions. It was a great night and her brother came out and said hi before going back to his game in his room. I thought it went great. Adam loved his visit. My daughter cried for two days. lol. Adam comes on a regular basis now. Joys of parenting.
So many times friends or family will try and give advice on anxiety that they do not have and it always turns sour. They mean well I KNOW that. But Anxiety is not something I chose to have. NO ONE would. Your battle is almost constantly a war with your mind. You are given a reprieve occasionally with medication where you do have fear of another attack. I do try it all. Yoga, meditation, prayer, studies, you tube, you name it. But as of now, I have NOT conquered it. I am trying. I wish there were a cure all. I wish you didn’t have to try and understand me. I don’t even understand me. I do not wish this on myself or anyone else. I also just wish so many people did not think that you can just wish it away. I wish I could. My Anxiety thought for the day. Have a great day/night fellow bloggers!
When you laugh at me… others are laughing with me.
When you tell people I am bothering you or I get on your nerves…. I am helping someone else calm their nerves.
When you don’t want people to know we have a relationship….. others are telling me they love me and I love them back.
When you talk about me, complain about how horrible I am… someone else is crying on my shoulder, wishing the someone they love cared about them like I do you.
When you make me cry…. there is someone there who understands my pain and wipes away the tears.
When I only exist in your life behind the public…. Someone is posting our pictures because they were happy I said I would go with them so they didn’t have to be alone.
But when you are alone, the world has deserted you and there is nowhere to turn, I will be there with my arms open to hold as long as I have a breath to take.
Driving in the car after being at home for so long. New smells, new things being built, new sounds. It is like coming back to a new life in a way. Places smell different. Birds seem to sing different in different areas. People are masked and some are not. Watching the World. Seeing life in a new light and appreciating every drop of it!
My case was more extreme than others but I want to share what I have experienced and what it did mentally. First, I went into quarantine because a new baby was coming and for us to see her, we had to be in quarantine. Each time 2 weeks. I have immunity issues so of course I was quarantining from others. Then my husband flew to California and so when he came back we had to quarantine for two weeks and then get tested. So, in all I had been in quarantine since late April, only going out when my dad died and to see my mom twice.
Recently, I have been slowly transitioning to getting out again. It has been a mind blower. During my time at home, I did Yoga,. meditation, Prayer, Tai Chi and writing as well as Art and Photography here at home. But, over time, I was getting writer’s block as I shared on here. I lost any desire for Art and I quit doing Photography. I just went in the same circle everyday. While I knew people who were getting it, I knew for me it was best to quarantine. MY CHOICE.
But, the transition back into Society has made me feel like a dog who wants to get back to its cage (not an actual cage). I would go out and I was so nervous, I just wanted to get back home. I was depressed if away from home. SO, While I am glad I was and I still AM being cautious, I was not prepared for this.
I just love different sometimes. This Painting said what was going on in my mind. I started this type of painting after I lost my oldest daughter. My mind was so confused, my heart torn, in a World only I understood. This, for me, was a my way of showing how my heart and mind felt.