Sometimes I wonder what you might have been like today. For us moms who lost our babies before or shortly after birth.

I do not talk about you much at all. My little 1 pound 15 ounce baby boy Paul Ryan. It is not because I am ashamed but because the pain is so great of never knowing who you might have become. You lived two days before a vessel in your brain bled out. You were beautiful. And my only son that I know of.
After you, I had your sister Nikki and she was 3 pounds and 14 ounces and she lived to be 23 when she was taken from us in a car accident and that was another time my heart was torn. Then I kept trying and I had many two month pregnancies before your baby brother or sister ( I never knew) just didn’t make it. Time to dream but not enough time to know. Finally, I had your youngest sister, Amber and she is fine and has a little one of her own now.
But, you and Nikki and your unknown siblings are in Heaven. It hurts when I think of her and when I think of you. I guess it hurts more with you and Nikki because I saw you, I touched you, I kissed your faces. That doesn’t mean those I never met didn’t hurt though. I am so blessed to have one of you left here with me and I have so much joy from that and my little grand child of love.
I wish I could have watched you grow, play, laugh and see what it was like for a son of mine to become a man. But, I hold your little face in my heart and I love you all. I just sometimes wonder what my little boy would be like today. I love you Paul Ryan.

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I know you don’t like me but why?

I know you don’t like and many others don’t either but I don’t understand why. Is it because I am honest and say what I think? Is it because I can read people pretty well and you are aloof because you think I will see you for what you are? Maybe I see you as a really good person. Maybe I see you as hurting like me. Is that so bad?
Is it because I do anything I can for anyone? Yes, I am used by some people need me and shunned when they don’t many times but I am aware of it. I just choose to accept it. I am not dumb or just oblivious to what they are doing. I. just. accept. it. That does not make me a bad person. No, I am not fake. What you see is what you get but I guess if I am not with the “in people” of today, I am just too much. Why? Because I express my pain or hurt? Because I cry sometimes? Because I do not agree with everything you say or do? I don’t judge you. I just don’t agree with it and you can disagree with me and that is okay.
But still, you don’t like me. Why? I just do not understand.

Sometimes I get so angry that I can’t just be me …… And still be loved.

Sometimes I DO get angry that I cannot be accepted for who I am and still be loved. I understand I can be out spoken, that I do not live the way most do, happy, hiding behind pain, or some who are just fake and smile at everyone but talk about them behind their back. Or even just nice people who cannot deal with any emotions except joy and smiling and I do not begrudge them, they just have to be who they are and I love them anyway.

However, in most cases I cannot get the same back in return. Yes, I laugh and I have fun. But I do not hide my pain because I can’t. I survive this crazy world of panic and anxiety but I also know that brings with it a lot of over thinking and things like that. I am outspoken yes, but at least I am honest about it. I am REAL.

I do not have friends because people cannot take a blunt, open person I guess. Or they cannot face a person with “issues”. But sadly, they never meet the person with the big heart who will do anything I can for anyone. Who cries for those who are broken. Who wants to be a part of things but sometimes I am aware I will not be accepted.

I just want to know why people can’t accept me as I am and still love me?

A day in the life of Humans with anxiety..

We are so complicated, each of us unique in our way. But the more I watch people, myself included, I realize we are all unique yet alike in many ways. We say we could care less but we do care. Somewhere deep inside, we really do. We hide our feelings and some of us express them maybe too much but others bottle them up until they explode like a volcano until it explodes.
We forgive but some forgive and hold on while some of us forgive and get hurt over and over but we still do it. We laugh when we want to cry or cry when we want to laugh. We wish people understood what we go through but when we try to explain it, they just cannot understand even when they try.
Our world is a chaotic, upside down, fairground where anything can happen. We can and most of us do control it but when the fear sets in it is real.And it hits in so many different ways. Mine is usually with people. I know for me, I have a hard time telling when someone is mad or it is just my over thinking mind telling me that.
We are unique yes, but we are also some of the most compassionate humans who want love and be loved on the planet. Because we know and face fear or run from it everyday. We live in a large multi colored bubble of feelings and we battle it everyday.

I just don’t have many words or know what to say about this last month.

I have had so many ups and downs with anxiety this month and trying to re-direct my mind and strange feelings in my body I just don’t know where to begin. The anxiety meds were the same brand but from a different manufacturer. (Found that out from Pharmacist) so that has made for a painful month. Edgy, worried, the meds made me usual but usually they just keep anxiety and panic away.
So I tried a variety of different things and of course, few worked but some did. i even tried the new CALM app. It is good but you know anxiety. I almost had a panic attack. I have not slept well because I am overthinking everything. all. night. long.Sooooo, needless to say, my advice is always, always ask your pharmacist if your same brand meds are from the same manufacturer you usually get them from.
However, so far, i am toughing it out. Just so very frustrating. ugh. lol.

When your child grows up and has a child and you become an alien to them….. Like an alien invaded their parent’s mind and now there is a stranger in front of them.

When you have a child, you wonder where your parents minds went. What happened to the strict, sometimes overbearing, because I said so,  clean your room or get it together, and on and on parent. or maybe just you got a laid back parents that thought everything you did was cool. Either way, you grow up and have a child. Suddenly that SAME person is like in love with your kid. The baby is perfect, the baby is beautiful, oh that sweet innocent baby that is crying all night and your pulling your hair out and your parent is like, it’s just a baby, they can’t help it. They can’t tell you what they need. ( you don’t know how many times the same person felt like pulling their hair out when you screamed all night haha ).

Then the baby becomes a toddler and nothing it seems they do is wrong. “Oh, their just learning, babies scream, tantrums are normal, let them be themselves and well, by now you know them all. Of course, when you were a toddler, your own parents were at a loss as to what to do or maybe you were one of those rare perfect toddlers who had not a care and was easy going.

Then pre-school and kindergarten. Your little angel is suddenly a bit defiant, maybe strong headed, wanting to do it themselves and maybe they just do everything you say when you ask but either way, here steps in your parent. AGAIN. It is fine, they are just getting to know themselves, they are just three, four, or five, you should have more patience, etc. Never mind that at that age these same alien parents were correcting you and guiding you and so on.

Well, here it is moms and dads. What happened?  You finally grew up, left home, and they missed you. They missed hearing the laughter and all the kid things and the teen quircks and all that stuff . Even the battles that teens and parents go through. Then YOU, their, child have a child and they realize all the things they missed. The joy of watching you grow day by day because their job was to guide you into life but they missed being able to enjoy it.

NOW, they can laugh with this little one, enjoy the things they missed, no worries on correction (well sometimes they have to but not as much) They can make up for the mistakes they felt they made with you and they can love without worrying about the little ones life being screwed up. They can do things with them they couldn’t with you because of schedules and work and games and etc. They can be the cushion when your child is mad at you because they know both sides now.

So what happened? Nothing really. They just discovered how free it can be to love without having to worry about whether that child is perfect or not because no one is. They learned that that beautiful little being is a part of you and because of that, they don’t want to miss a thing. Because they loved and love you first and this is their babies baby.

So for them, not haywire just awakened.