Time never erases you …. from my Heart…

No matter how much time goes by, nothing will ever erase you from my heart. I think of you everyday and I keep your special place in my heart where it has always been. I am glad though that you are not here during all of these things going on. It would have bothered you so much. Of course I would always bring you back if I could but I just know how much it would hurt you. you were all about the Love. But I just wanted you to know that no matter what. You are always in my heart. Time may keep going on but my love for you never stops. Sara Nicolle. Time she left this earth, 2007.

I thought of you today as I do everyday…. I see your smile in the Sun….

I always think of you. That is just a given. But today, the Sun came out and I thought of your beautiful smile and your laughter that lit up a room. You were such a beautiful soul and you always made people happy. You loved life, you loved every. single. aspect. of it. You were the Sun on a rainy day and the World is a lonelier place without you. The only good thing is that you do not have to see what is going on and live with it. This virus would have scared you so much. But you are safe my sweet child and nothing can harm you anymore. Not a virus, not bullies and your memory shines on through it all. I love. you. always. Love, Mom.

The little boy who almost was…….

A time ago in the world a young woman had a son. He was born early and he was just a tiny thing at not quite two pounds. He had blonde hair and she never got to see his eyes open but she wondered if when he opened them, they would be green or blue. he had a beautiful little face and he was so beautiful to her. she loved him so much and she named him Ryan. She had hopes and dreams for him and she wanted him to grow up and be her protective son and love her as much as she loved him.
But it wasn’t meant to be. Ryan died two days later. His mommy cried and then she tried to go on and would never speak of it but in her heart she wondered what he would have been like. would he have been serious like her or funny and not have her issues? Would he run and play or have been blind like the Doctor’s said. No matter how she tried though, she always thought of her little baby Ryan though she never spoke of him. Her heart just couldn’t. He would be grown now and still she wonders of all the things her little boy might have been or become. He was her only son. The little boy who almost was but never would be. But he still lives in her heart and there she has watched him grow into the dreams she made him into.

Just get through this day…. Just try and keep it together… Loss of a child…

Sometimes it hits hard, sometimes this day comes up and I get through it with celebrating your life but not this year. Damn it has hit hard. I just keep telling myself to just get through the day. I keep praying for it to ease up on this depression and anxiety. I keep trying to focus on anything to make it easier. But above all, I just keep trying to get through this day. Not think about the car crash that took you and your three friends. The fire of when the car blew up. I am so glad you had already passed before that happened. That would have been the worst if it could get any worse. I love you. Always. Love, Mom.

My Pre- Rainbow Babies…My version of Rainbow babies anyway……..

I lost my oldest daughter when she was in a car wreck and it wrecked my heart but today I wanted to mention my Rainbow babies. Ryan was two days old when I lost him to bleeding in the brain. I was so devastated and I rarely talk him or my other babies I lost at three months while trying to have another child. I did have my youngest daughter and she is alive and I am so glad. But when I reflect on Ryan and my other babies I just always wonder…. Would Ryan have been blonde headed like me? Would he have had green eyes or blue? Would he have enjoyed sports or been more of an introvert like me? I never saw his first smile, tooth or heard his first laugh. I never got to see him take his first steps. I never got to watch my son grow up into a man. And my three month babies? Would they have been boys or girls? (I lost five in an attempt to get pregnant again). Would they have been like me or their dad? so many questions and never an answer but I remember them all. I love them all and I especially remember Ryan because I actually saw and touched him. I never dreamed he was not going to make it. He was a preemie but I just knew my baby boy would come but he never did. So, for all of us with rainbow babies, I just wonder do you think these same thoughts? Love and hugs to all the moms and dads who have gone through this.

Sometimes, just sometimes… I am so lost without you…………

Time has gone on and sometimes I am okay. Sometimes on your Angelversary, I am able to celebrate your life but this year I just feel alone and lost without you. I want you here with us again. I am emotional and crying. I look at your picture and I want you back. I want you to be here with us with your laughter and to see your nieces ( the picture above I combined to bring you two together in a way.)and to keep us laughing as you never failed to do. I know that life has brought beautiful things to me since you have been gone but I will NEVER get over losing you. I enjoy what I have in our family, I laugh, I do many things but on days like today, I just feel lost and I need your smile back here with us. I love you. Always.

I just do not have much to say… That month of the year. Born in January. Killed in February years later…

This is a hard time. I have learned to still live, love and survive but you NEVER get over it. I find I have writers block every year at this time. I can only seem to focus on writing about her. She was kind and so sweet. She did try to laugh off everything and she made friends from the bullies at school. She was bullied because of her Autism and her way of thinking. She dressed as she wanted. She ate as she could. Food could not touch and of course, bullies watch for stuff like that. But, she somehow never fought back but she stood her ground. She had kids come to her service and say, “I am so sorry. I picked on her at first but you just could NOT be mean to Sara after a while because she was just her. She would keep smiling”. She made me see what I was doing and she helped me to be a better person, not a bully”. She was the very essence of love that didn’t judge. So, this is why I am writing these stories. It is the time when I think of all the things I lost when I lost her but the gift she left behind that taught me to keep on, love others and appreciate life. I love. you. Sara Nicolle. always. Love, Mom

It always rains for the Christmas party…. Are those happy tears from Heaven, I miss you tears or just rain?

Every year at the Annual Christmas party it rains. Well, it actually pours. My mind knows it is just rain but my heart sometimes wonders if you and lost ones are crying tears from Heaven of joy or sadness that you are not here with us? I like to think they are tears of joy from being with us in heart because we keep your pictures with us on the shelves to share in the joy in spirit if nothing else. Either way, just know you ARE here in our hearts and we love you so much!

No, I have not forgotten you….I love you . Always.

In my post I used to write more often about the daughter I lost and sometimes I still do but especially at this time of year, I have to hold on to my sanity. But No, Nikki, I have not forgotten you. I never would. You were, as well as your baby brother Ryan I lost so much of my heart. So is your sister who is still and I thank God for that because if she had not been, I think I would have truly lost my mind that day. I miss your smile, your humor, your laughter and I wish you were still here with us. I still cry when I write about you and I still cry when I hear your songs that you loved.
I laugh sometimes now at your funny memories but I cannot ever forget the loss of when you left us. It still hurts so bad and you were truly so good. You had moments like everyone but I swear sometimes, I DO believe you were an Earthly angel
Your ability to keep my grounded with my hot temper, your way of never seeing bad in anyone, your love for making others laugh and your genuine love of life. You just LOVED life. Everything was beautiful to you. I mean even the things I so often over look. A strange type of rock, the shape of a tree, people, just everything. No. I have not forgotten you my sweet love. A mother never forgets the child/children she has loved and lost.

A poem for my Daughter Nikki…I wish I had known…. In Memory 2-17-2007

I thought of you as I walked on the beach
Listening to the sounds you loved so much.
waves, as they rush onto the sand and soothe my soul.
I thought of you as the Holidays approached and how much you loved them.
Halloween where you loved those goofy movies. Christmas where we always drove around to see Christmas lights and you loved to stop at that store and get hot Cocoa.
I thought of the day you left me, three days after Valentines.
I never celebrate that day now. I can’t.
I went to your room and I sat on your bed.
I waited to see if maybe you would walk in
but I knew that was a fantasy that would never come true.
I went to the place where we placed you to rest
But to me it is empty and useless.
If I thought you would be here or I could feel you somehow
maybe I would come more often. But you aren’t and you will never be.
I look at your photo and I wish I could change that day and turn back the events so they never happened.
But I can’t.
Time does NOT heal all wounds. It only heals the ability to deal with it.
Love does not die. My love will always be there for you, secured in my heart.
I wish I had known so many things when you were here.
I wish I had known we have to cherish every day and every moment.
But I didn’t know.
I never realized or knew so many things that I know now but I only realized all of it.
When you were gone. I love you. always. Love, Mom. Copyright 2010 L.S.R.