A past post that I love………

A poem for my Daughter Nikki…I wish I had known…. In Memory 2-17-2007

I thought of you as I walked on the beach
Listening to the sounds you loved so much.
waves, as they rush onto the sand and soothe my soul.
I thought of you as the Holidays approached and how much you loved them.
Halloween where you loved those goofy movies. Christmas where we always drove around to see Christmas lights and you loved to stop at that store and get hot Cocoa.
I thought of the day you left me, three days after Valentines.
I never celebrate that day now. I can’t.
I went to your room and I sat on your bed.
I waited to see if maybe you would walk in
but I knew that was a fantasy that would never come true.
I went to the place where we placed you to rest
But to me it is empty and useless.
If I thought you would be here or I could feel you somehow
maybe I would come more often. But you aren’t and you will never be.
I look at your photo and I wish I could change that day and turn back the events so they never happened.
But I can’t.
Time does NOT heal all wounds. It only heals the ability to deal with it.
Love does not die. My love will always be there for you, secured in my heart.
I wish I had known so many things when you were here.
I wish I had known we have to cherish every day and every moment.
But I didn’t know.
I never realized or knew so many things that I know now but I only realized all of it.
When you were gone. I love you. always. Love, Mom. Copyright 2010 L.S.R.

WordPress and why I love it here…..

I can come and share with some of the best bloggers in the World. I can express what I think, feel and like or do not like and we all stand in acceptance of each other, even when we may not agree. I love to be able to be myself and share my innermost feelings, my life in Society and just anything that helps to love, live, appreciate and enjoy. I share my heart when I am down about the loss of children, depression, anxiety, yoga, well you get it. Here. I can be me.

As it rains from the Sky…. So it does from my Heart…

Tonight I am sitting by my little dog Buddy and praying he will be okay. It is raining hard outside tonight and the tears are falling as I watch him. He is right at 15 years old. we found out a few months ago he had a part of his heart that is enlarged and causes seizures. he had four today. They said no operating because of his age and that he would not live through it. This little guy was there when my daughter died. he would just sit beside me as I cried so many times and never move. He has been with me at my loneliest. He has been my steady, helpful friend my loyal little Buddy. He has helped me through nights of anxiety or panic so bad that I would hold him crying just to get through. So tonight, I am sitting with him. I am going to be his friend so he isn’t alone as we fight through these seizures. I will be his comfort, I will pet him so he isn’t scared. Tonight my sweet Buddy, I am here for you. As it rains from the sky, so it does from my heart. I love you.

How we deal with Grief… And it is not always the Same… and that is okay..

When I lost first my son and then my daughter, each time I dealt with it differently. My son who was 2 days old, I can still rarely talk about. My daughter who was killed in a wreck with her three friends, I talk about a lot. But I started watching how differently people deal with grief. It was interesting. Some never can get past the grief and live it daily. Some immediately start giving away all but a few things of their loved one while others hang on forever to every thing that belonged to their loved one. Some stay angry, some find peace, some understand others who lost some do not and cannot focus on anything but their grief. Some of that used to bother me. But I have realized that however you deal with the grief if it is what you need or how you need it is okay. Because it is your grief and your loss. So whichever path you take, I personally wish you some kind of peace and love.

I have had a big response to my loss of my children….Please come and join my new group..

For a long time I had a group for those who lost a child, sibling or parent. It kind of went by the wayside. But so many parents here seem to need a place to come. To be loved. Understood and just to be. Please join me on fb on a PRIVATE group called Families in grief and love.  go to face book and type in, families in grief and love.  you will see,

See all groups for ‘families in grief and love’
See All Tap see all and look for the faded rose in the sky.

Please come and be loved if you need it.

When I lost you….

When she died…. Perhaps I did go a little crazy when she died. Maybe losing the child you gave birth to and watched grow up and cared for with her disability and never realized she would be gone without warning at 23 made me different. You do not understand and I hope you never do understand. That means you lost your child too and I wouldn’t want to wish that on anyone. It is a loss you learn to live with but never get over.You learn to laugh again and God brings other love into your life but it does not take away the pain at times. I became better in some ways but in others I changed. I needed more from those I loved, I was scared and I was devastated. I developed panic issues. I went through the five stages. I went through Hell and came back a little burned. i turned back to God and I have tried to make her proud. I have loved my only other child and adore my family. But, yes I changed. When you lose a child you always do. I hope you never have to look at me and say, ” I understand”.

To those who lost a child…no matter the age or amount of time.. we live but we grieve..

A recent blog I posted reminded of how hard it is to lose a child or children and feel like no one understands you. So, I want to go back on a couple of mine to say that it is the most painful loss you will ever feel. No one wants anyone to go through it but unless you have, you will never fully understand why we change, why we do what we do and so this is for those bloggers. The club we never asked to join and the feeling of being alone in a room full of people.

Time never erases you …. from my Heart…

No matter how much time goes by, nothing will ever erase you from my heart. I think of you everyday and I keep your special place in my heart where it has always been. I am glad though that you are not here during all of these things going on. It would have bothered you so much. Of course I would always bring you back if I could but I just know how much it would hurt you. you were all about the Love. But I just wanted you to know that no matter what. You are always in my heart. Time may keep going on but my love for you never stops. Sara Nicolle. Time she left this earth, 2007.

I thought of you today as I do everyday…. I see your smile in the Sun….

I always think of you. That is just a given. But today, the Sun came out and I thought of your beautiful smile and your laughter that lit up a room. You were such a beautiful soul and you always made people happy. You loved life, you loved every. single. aspect. of it. You were the Sun on a rainy day and the World is a lonelier place without you. The only good thing is that you do not have to see what is going on and live with it. This virus would have scared you so much. But you are safe my sweet child and nothing can harm you anymore. Not a virus, not bullies and your memory shines on through it all. I love. you. always. Love, Mom.

The little boy who almost was…….

A time ago in the world a young woman had a son. He was born early and he was just a tiny thing at not quite two pounds. He had blonde hair and she never got to see his eyes open but she wondered if when he opened them, they would be green or blue. he had a beautiful little face and he was so beautiful to her. she loved him so much and she named him Ryan. She had hopes and dreams for him and she wanted him to grow up and be her protective son and love her as much as she loved him.
But it wasn’t meant to be. Ryan died two days later. His mommy cried and then she tried to go on and would never speak of it but in her heart she wondered what he would have been like. would he have been serious like her or funny and not have her issues? Would he run and play or have been blind like the Doctor’s said. No matter how she tried though, she always thought of her little baby Ryan though she never spoke of him. Her heart just couldn’t. He would be grown now and still she wonders of all the things her little boy might have been or become. He was her only son. The little boy who almost was but never would be. But he still lives in her heart and there she has watched him grow into the dreams she made him into.