It has been a few years since you died. I used to not even be able to say that word but do now because you did. You took a piece of my heart with you. This time of year is hard because you loved Holidays. I laugh, I enjoy your nieces and i enjoy life but it does not change the loss of you. My heart still cries and I still cry. Not everyday but I think of you everyday.
People say I changed well yeah. I did. I lost something worth more than any money in the World. I lost you. I am blessed to have your sister and her precious babies. you would have been the best Aunt ever. I laugh with them. The oldest 12, knows all about you and she even writes you notes and ask about your life. The baby is only 15 months so of course she doesn’t yet. Your sister misses having someone to talk to. I miss your laughter and how you never took life so seriously. Little things were that. Nothing to stress over.
You had challenges with Autism but you made it through struggle after struggle. I am a bit harsher now with life. I am not the old me. but I don’t have to be. the “new” me that came a bit after you died saw life from a different view. I still love, I still feel blessed with your sister and family but I will get “over” losing you. I love you. Always. Love, mom.
When I lost my children, one at two days, my son Ryan, and my daughter, Nikki in a wreck with three of her friends, I did not realize how much grief can change on a daily basis. It takes a while to get over the shock that numbs you from going insane but it does not stop the pain or tears. I never realized the ups and down and like a flowing river, you have calm places, turbulent areas and dangerous pulls. Grief has been like that to me. I have times I am calm and smile at the memories. Days when I fall apart and just cry. I also have days when anger overcomes it all and I find myself fighting the pain. As time goes on I find more days of calm water but the under current is always there. Waiting.
It is the hardest thing to deal with, in my opinion. I have learned to deal with it, because you never get “over” it. But I swim through some rough waters most of the year. Of course I think of her and her brother every day and I also love the life I have and am grateful for it. I just want them here with me to be a part of it but that cannot be. However, when those birthdays come close or the day of leaving us, it always hits hard. There is no stopping it even when I try not to focus on it. I am not saying this happens to all parents who lose a child but for me it happens. It is hard. Very hard. So hug your kids, enjoy your blessings and pray it never happens to you. Because I WAS you before it happened to ME. * never take for granted. I did.
I want to get back to more cheerful post but this is a tough time of year for me and 2020 sure has not helped. However, with a lot of stress and that time of year I cry over my daughter ( natural when you lose a child) and she loved the Holidays and then left us in February, three days after Valentines. Soooo, to try and bring some happy that is locked inside of me. So I am doing my exercises and prayer and doing the things needed to help me appreciate my blessings. I am blessed to have this place to come to.
I am glad women are speaking out about their babies that are stillborn, babies that do not make it to full term and babies who live for short periods but never make it home from the Hospitals. My mother was pregnant when I was young, apparently my little sister was stillborn. I know she named her Wendy, we waited for a baby that never came home. I remember little bags being sent from our mom with candy and gum in them to us. Then she came home with no baby. we knew she went in to have one. The only thing really said was that Wendy went to heaven. That was it and then Life went on because we didn’t or were not allowed to question about it. There was not even a service. I have no clue what happened to the baby. I called them “silent babies” to myself later on.
Later, I had my son, who only lived two days. I was in great pain in my heart but never spoke much about it after the service I did have for him. I actually never even mentioned him until a few short years ago. I do not even know why other than it was just so painful. even the babies later on that I never carried past three months trying to have my youngest daughter were ever spoken of. Now, women are talking about it and I am glad. These were our babies. They have a place in our hearts and in this World to be remembered. Another good in freaky 2020.
I always think of you my sweet Sara Nicolle. I think of your silliness, your smile, the struggles you overcame with Autism, how you managed to see everything as you grew older with the best point of view. Your optimism even when faced with such hard stuff and you never. gave. up. You were the encouragement that gave me strength so many times. Just watching you take something so hard and turning it around, even the bullies in school. But I have to say, I think this past year might have been a bit much. Even for you. You would not have done well with being stuck at home for months. No company, no going out. A lot of things. It just would have been I think the straw. So, I think of you all of the time and I wish you were here as always but I am glad you didn’t have to battle this past year. Especially now that your Bio dad has Covid and in the Hospital. you would not have even been able to see him. May sound like an oxy-moron but I get it. I love you. Always. Love, mom.
I was on my way home and it was pouring down rain. I always look for your Cross on the roadside. The day you left us. The day my life changed forever. I don’t know why I have never taken a picture. I know I have stopped there a few times. I have to be careful. It is a dangerous spot where you and your three friends were killed. Then. There it was. The reflectors lit it up and I just remembered that night again. I always remember but especially when I see the Cross. I know what everyone say’s but regardless, it doesn’t make the pain any less. Especially when I see that Cross. I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. I cried as i tried to stop so I could see on the rainy road but sometimes what we want and what we can do are not the same. I miss your smile. I miss everything about you. I love. you. Always. Love, Mom.
In Memory of Sara Nicolle
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