Losing a Child…. Haunts your heart….

It is the hardest thing to deal with, in my opinion. I have learned to deal with it, because you never get “over” it. But I swim through some rough waters most of the year. Of course I think of her and her brother every day and I also love the life I have and am grateful for it. I just want them here with me to be a part of it but that cannot be. However, when those birthdays come close or the day of leaving us, it always hits hard. There is no stopping it even when I try not to focus on it. I am not saying this happens to all parents who lose a child but for me it happens. It is hard. Very hard. So hug your kids, enjoy your blessings and pray it never happens to you. Because I WAS you before it happened to ME. * never take for granted. I did.

I am doing some Martial Arts, Yoga, and a LOT of prayer to keep my mind calm…

I want to get back to more cheerful post but this is a tough time of year for me and 2020 sure has not helped. However, with a lot of stress and that time of year I cry over my daughter ( natural when you lose a child) and she loved the Holidays and then left us in February, three days after Valentines. Soooo, to try and bring some happy that is locked inside of me. So I am doing my exercises and prayer and doing the things needed to help me appreciate my blessings. I am blessed to have this place to come to.

Silent Babies………

I am glad women are speaking out about their babies that are stillborn, babies that do not make it to full term and babies who live for short periods but never make it home from the Hospitals. My mother was pregnant when I was young, apparently my little sister was stillborn. I know she named her Wendy, we waited for a baby that never came home. I remember little bags being sent from our mom with candy and gum in them to us. Then she came home with no baby. we knew she went in to have one. The only thing really said was that Wendy went to heaven. That was it and then Life went on because we didn’t or were not allowed to question about it. There was not even a service. I have no clue what happened to the baby. I called them “silent babies” to myself later on.

Later, I had my son, who only lived two days. I was in great pain in my heart but never spoke much about it after the service I did have for him. I actually never even mentioned him until a few short years ago. I do not even know why other than it was just so painful. even the babies later on that I never carried past three months trying to have my youngest daughter were ever spoken of. Now, women are talking about it and I am glad. These were our babies. They have a place in our hearts and in this World to be remembered. Another good in freaky 2020.

I still think of you everyday….I am glad you didn’t have to go through this past year though… it would have torn you up..

I always think of you my sweet Sara Nicolle. I think of your silliness, your smile, the struggles you overcame with Autism, how you managed to see everything as you grew older with the best point of view. Your optimism even when faced with such hard stuff and you never. gave. up. You were the encouragement that gave me strength so many times. Just watching you take something so hard and turning it around, even the bullies in school. But I have to say, I think this past year might have been a bit much. Even for you. You would not have done well with being stuck at home for months. No company, no going out. A lot of things. It just would have been I think the straw. So, I think of you all of the time and I wish you were here as always but I am glad you didn’t have to battle this past year. Especially now that your Bio dad has Covid and in the Hospital. you would not have even been able to see him. May sound like an oxy-moron but I get it. I love you. Always. Love, mom.

I saw your Cross last night…..

I was on my way home and it was pouring down rain. I always look for your Cross on the roadside. The day you left us. The day my life changed forever. I don’t know why I have never taken a picture. I know I have stopped there a few times. I have to be careful. It is a dangerous spot where you and your three friends were killed. Then. There it was. The reflectors lit it up and I just remembered that night again. I always remember but especially when I see the Cross. I know what everyone say’s but regardless, it doesn’t make the pain any less. Especially when I see that Cross. I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. I cried as i tried to stop so I could see on the rainy road but sometimes what we want and what we can do are not the same. I miss your smile. I miss everything about you. I love. you. Always. Love, Mom.

In Memory of Sara Nicolle

A past post that I love………

A poem for my Daughter Nikki…I wish I had known…. In Memory 2-17-2007

I thought of you as I walked on the beach
Listening to the sounds you loved so much.
waves, as they rush onto the sand and soothe my soul.
I thought of you as the Holidays approached and how much you loved them.
Halloween where you loved those goofy movies. Christmas where we always drove around to see Christmas lights and you loved to stop at that store and get hot Cocoa.
I thought of the day you left me, three days after Valentines.
I never celebrate that day now. I can’t.
I went to your room and I sat on your bed.
I waited to see if maybe you would walk in
but I knew that was a fantasy that would never come true.
I went to the place where we placed you to rest
But to me it is empty and useless.
If I thought you would be here or I could feel you somehow
maybe I would come more often. But you aren’t and you will never be.
I look at your photo and I wish I could change that day and turn back the events so they never happened.
But I can’t.
Time does NOT heal all wounds. It only heals the ability to deal with it.
Love does not die. My love will always be there for you, secured in my heart.
I wish I had known so many things when you were here.
I wish I had known we have to cherish every day and every moment.
But I didn’t know.
I never realized or knew so many things that I know now but I only realized all of it.
When you were gone. I love you. always. Love, Mom. Copyright 2010 L.S.R.

WordPress and why I love it here…..

I can come and share with some of the best bloggers in the World. I can express what I think, feel and like or do not like and we all stand in acceptance of each other, even when we may not agree. I love to be able to be myself and share my innermost feelings, my life in Society and just anything that helps to love, live, appreciate and enjoy. I share my heart when I am down about the loss of children, depression, anxiety, yoga, well you get it. Here. I can be me.

As it rains from the Sky…. So it does from my Heart…

Tonight I am sitting by my little dog Buddy and praying he will be okay. It is raining hard outside tonight and the tears are falling as I watch him. He is right at 15 years old. we found out a few months ago he had a part of his heart that is enlarged and causes seizures. he had four today. They said no operating because of his age and that he would not live through it. This little guy was there when my daughter died. he would just sit beside me as I cried so many times and never move. He has been with me at my loneliest. He has been my steady, helpful friend my loyal little Buddy. He has helped me through nights of anxiety or panic so bad that I would hold him crying just to get through. So tonight, I am sitting with him. I am going to be his friend so he isn’t alone as we fight through these seizures. I will be his comfort, I will pet him so he isn’t scared. Tonight my sweet Buddy, I am here for you. As it rains from the sky, so it does from my heart. I love you.

How we deal with Grief… And it is not always the Same… and that is okay..

When I lost first my son and then my daughter, each time I dealt with it differently. My son who was 2 days old, I can still rarely talk about. My daughter who was killed in a wreck with her three friends, I talk about a lot. But I started watching how differently people deal with grief. It was interesting. Some never can get past the grief and live it daily. Some immediately start giving away all but a few things of their loved one while others hang on forever to every thing that belonged to their loved one. Some stay angry, some find peace, some understand others who lost some do not and cannot focus on anything but their grief. Some of that used to bother me. But I have realized that however you deal with the grief if it is what you need or how you need it is okay. Because it is your grief and your loss. So whichever path you take, I personally wish you some kind of peace and love.