SO it has been a weird week

Okay. So the past week has been so crazy. My husband got sick, ended up in hospital and we all know how fun that is. The dogs had family looking after them and the cats and birds and fish.

The dogs freaked with love when we got here, the cats ignored me as usual, the fish could care less and the birds screamed loud enough for three blocks away to hear. So, things are settling in now.

BUT, here we trying to stay awake until we could sleep without waking up at 3 a.m. for the day. But this is one of my boring post so I will add one of my random quote so maybe that will make it more interesting.

MY RANDOM QUOTE: The path of life is filled with many roads. The ones you choose will determine how green your grass is.

Abuse & Letting GO

I went through this many years ago and I so I wrote this poem before I got out and took years to recover.

UN-ENCHANTED LOVE

I feel as though I am trapped in a fortress

Trapped by your rage, unable to escape.

The walls that surround me are your hatred

And the thorns at the top are each time your bitter words have pierced my heart.

No flowers grow here grow here, only weeds of destruction.

Waiting to choke the last of my strength.

Inside of me, where happiness strives to live,

Your vines of anger entangle my heart,

Trying to destroy any joy or contentment.

I hope to break free of this prison,

And smile once again.

I want to wake each day without your dark shadow hanging over me.

And to laugh again without feeling  the punishment of your revenge.

I know one day I will become whole again.

When I do, I will become a blossoming and beautiful rose

And you will still be a choking weed, hiding  until you find more sunlight to destroy.

L.S. Rockel

Life, Love & Insanity

As I travel this road of anxiety and try to learn new things each day on how to get it out of my system, my sister said something the other day when I was having a “moment”. She said, “Go back to the old you and keep thinking of the old you”. The “old” me, before all of this was a strong, independent, capable woman who faced the hurdles of life and jumped them. She didn’t come to them and go hide in the rabbit hole.

So, I did and it worked off and on. Then I got to thinking about the times I thought I was going insane, felt unloved and alone. Even though this was in my mind and partially true when people run because they do not know how to help or like an infection, they “fear” they will “catch” it, it reminded me of a poem I wrote on kindle and I want to share it with you from “The Book of Understanding”. It expresses how I felt during those worst of times.

LOVE & INSANITY

Such a fine line between the two. What defines the difference?

Insanity is an escape from reality, a journey others fear to tread.

So is Love.

Love is harsh, yet it comforts, gives hope even when it causes delusions.

So does Insanity.

Insanity keeps you from accepting certain truths and drives you to the brink.

So does Love.

Love demands. It gives, it takes and it waits for redemption.

So does Insanity.

Most never cross the line that divides the two. For the ones who do, they may never know the difference.                                           L.S. Rockel

Panic and Anxiety

I live in this world and for the most part, I hate it. That part of the world I deal with. On the other hand, it is teaching me things I never even knew. How to calm my self, how to not overthink everything. It is teaching me how to resolve problems and how to get throw a panic attack even though it is by no means easy.

It is also helping me to understand others who have it and how we take this journey together. It is a strange, cold world, the world of panic and anxiety and yet it is an eye opener. You learn that those who truly care may fail at times but they will keep coming back to try and help you figure it out. the reality may be that they are scared they may  fall prey to the world of it themselves if they get too close or try to hard to help.

Regardless, we have others going through that we can lean on, that do understand, that know the challenges we face and we can share the many ways we work to resolve these issues. So, Good day to my fellow agents and we continue our fight to get back to “normal”.

Why many people are turning away from God these days. (Even if you are not a Christian, please read)

My brother in law posted an article yesterday about Christians and cursing and so on. It detailed how we often judge when our sins are just the same and it gave light to many things. But where it struck home with me was in how I act and am. My husband is a contractor but he is also a Pastor.

Now, being I am human of course, I am not the typical Pastor’s wife. I can be quick tempered, I am found guilty of holding a grudge and not realizing it, I can hurt back when I am hurt and so many other things I do that are NOT what the Bible say’s to do to show how we should live.

There are probably MORE non- Christians doing good in this day and time than there are Christians. I am not trying to convert anyone because that is not my decision for anyone to make but I am writing this because I realize after reading that article that I am so at fault in so many areas.

I am by nature, kind, forgiving, and always desiring to help others if I can.  I love, I have a compassion for animals and abused children but if I were not a person that believed in God, I would be much worse than I am. So, point being, fellow believers, the next time we look down on someone, judge someone, hate on someone or find we are holding back forgiveness when they hurt us, maybe it is time WE asked for forgiveness and learn to practice what we so quickly preach.

When you are a part of us. For family and friends of those who have anxiety or panic.

No, you don’t understand us or our issue. Some of you try but you can’t see it so you either run from it or try to help by blindly doing what you might think helps. We love those of you who do try and we are sad for those who rung because you are running from us as well.

So, I am going to try and take you into our world and see if I can give you a glimpse of what it feels like or how scary it can be. Take your worst phobia or fear and imagine going through it. An example would be claustrophobia. The fear of closed in spaces. Have someone put you in a tiny confined area with no light and close you in. They are not going to tell you when they will let you out.

So, there you are, with no idea when or how you can get out. There is no escape. The fear builds the longer you are there and no one comes to get you out. Thoughts start getting into your head and you get more and more panicked with each minute that ticks by. Seconds seem like hours.

Finally, after what seems to have been hours, the door opens but you are shaking, terrified and beyond any way of calming yourself down. the person with you tries to console you but it does no good. Because why? You are in a state of panic. Your mind is playing games with you and finally,finally, after you think you are on the brink of going insane, you get calm.

That is what happens in our life when these moments come. This is how our lives are in these moments. Yes, there are things we learn and use to get better and then a day comes and bam, it hits out of the blue. I only began having panic attacks less than two years ago. I went from a strong, very independent person to a person who found herself totally at a loss as to what had happened.

I still battle it and although MOST of my days are good, and I am so grateful and blessed for that, I am never sure when they will pop up. But, I thought maybe if those around us could just get a small glimpse of what we go through, it might help them to understand. We need you to know, not run.

Things I have learned over time in a Journey I take every day:

1. It is easy to say I forgive, but much harder to actually do.

2. The bible say’s to love your enemy but it is hard to put into practice sometimes.

3. James 1:19 and Proverbs 17:28 are verses I need to apply daily because I am quick to speak before I ever try to listen. James 1:19 – Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
Proverbs 17:28 – Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: [and] he that shutteth his lips [is esteemed] a man of understanding.

4. Judge not, lest you be judged is a verse I need to live by more often.

5. I have a problem with my temper and I often find myself asking for forgiveness. Quite often, actually.

6. That I need to remember when God said, Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord, that I need to let him handle it instead of trying to seek it myself.

7. That having discernment is a gift that can be challenging and I have to constantly separate my own human feelings from the spiritual feelings that God has given me.

8. That I am human also and I fail probably worse than most but that is why we are forgiven.

9. That no matter how much I try to do kind things, I will be returned with hate about 70% of the time as soon as I make that same person mad.

10. That Pastor’s are always on the cutting board, ready to be chopped up at any mistake, no matter how small.

These are the reasons that I and every other disciple of God need to be in our Bible daily and living the life we profess to live. Because, at the end of the day, God knows me and my heart. We may put up a front before others, but the very God we claim to serve knows us inside and out. Because we are human he also knows we will fail time and again. However, we should never think we are above others. We should know that when we bash or harm anyone, especially our Christian brothers and sisters, that we are supposed to be in fellowship with, that we are essentially crucifying Christ again.

What I have learned and I am still learning, is that I need to go back to serving like I was years ago, before the world and circumstances hardened my heart. When we had a small group of Youth that we were trying to show God’s love to and we served and lived the Bible daily. Then Nikki died and I said I didn’t blame God but in a way I guess I did because that is when my heart started to harden just a bit. I allowed the world to step in and I saw things with a critical eye instead of spiritual one. For none of us, whether Christian or not, has a right not to be humble. Just an insight in my daily Journey.