Perhaps I did…..When she died……

Perhaps I did go a little crazy when she died. Maybe losing the child you gave birth to and watched grow up and cared for with her disability and never realized she would be gone without warning at 23 made me different.

You do not understand and I hope you never do understand. That means you lost your child too and I wouldn’t want to wish that on anyone. It is a loss you learn to live with but never get over.You learn to laugh again and God brings other love into your life but it does not take away the pain at times.

I became better in some ways but in others I changed. I needed more from those I loved, I was scared and I was devastated. I developed panic issues. I went through the five stages. I went through Hell and came back a little burned. i turned back to God and I have tried to make her proud.

I have loved my only other child and adore my  gbabies. I love my husband and son-in-law. I love mom and other mom. And step dad and other family. But, yes I changed. When you lose a child you always do. I hope you never have to look at me and say,  ” I understand”.

 

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Living in the Past & Letting go

I was reading one of my books last night and I realized part of my anxiety was as the book said, we tend to live in the past which causes us anxiety when things have changed. That you have to let the past stay where it was and go on. That is why I am blessed and happy to be able to have been offered this opportunity to work with addicted newborns.

It is voluntary at first and then I will take it from there. They need nurturing and a lot of holding because they are going through painful withdrawals. I go and rock and talk to them and comfort them and then try to help ease their pain with love.

I think and hope it will not only help them but me to live in the moment of helping an innocent baby who needs me. I can then let go of all past things (not forgetting but letting go) and realize, I hope, that these little babies need the love I give my grandson and granddaughter. I have to realize the old saying also from AA.

I have to accept the things I cannot change, change things that can be changed and the wisdom to know the difference. That was just part of the AA slogan but since I have never been that is all I can remember from reading about it. I cannot hold on to people who do want to be a part of my life. Just love them. And let go. You cannot force compassion, love or someone loving you. they either do or they don’t . They will have compassion or they will judge. They will think they are above you being in their life or have you in it as little as possible. So, instead of letting that bother me, God Willing, I will hopefully, learn to let all that go and live for the ones who need me as much as I need them.

God, do you hear me? I think sometimes you do.

God, I often come to you in despair, sometimes in joy, sometimes to talk and sometimes to cry. I often wondered if you heard me and sometimes I still do. But I know that you are listening and I know you know what I need.

You gave me the ability to love art and photography and my family and people. Abused animals and children are what I hurt for the most. People say why do bad things happen? I don’t always know but I know that we have free will. When a person does something bad, you are blamed first.

Why? You gave us minds to think on our own and to choose our own paths. if a person kills, steals, rapes. abuses  or other horrific things, it was a choice they made. I sometimes question you and ask, “Are you listening? Don’t you hear my cry?” But yes, you do. I just don’t always have the patience to wait out the answer.

I am human and sometimes God, I get mad at how the answers turn out and I get hurt when I have asked and it doesn’t come to be. But then, I am human. And we know how that goes. So I just wanted to say that even when i am unsure, yes, I know you are listening and sometimes, when I stop long enough to give you a chance, I feel you there.

A Poem for the day I wrote & a random quote from me.

Random quote: I am proud of who I am and what I have become. The sweat and tears it took to get there and the love I found along the way.

     THE SEARCH

We search all of our lives for the impossible dream.

Only to find it was there all along.

It wasn’t money, it wasn’t fame, it wasn’t popularity.

It is a smile from someone who cares,

the soft blow of a breeze or the love of a child,

the sound of ocean waves as they roll onto the white clean sand,

The song of a bird,

or just the joy of being loved.