Perhaps I did…..When she died……

Perhaps I did go a little crazy when she died. Maybe losing the child you gave birth to and watched grow up and cared for with her disability and never realized she would be gone without warning at 23 made me different.

Maybe because  you do not understand and I hope you never do understand. That means you lost your child too and I wouldn’t want to wish that on anyone. It is a loss you learn to live with but never get over.You learn to laugh again and God brings other love into your life but it does not take away the pain at times.

I became better in some ways but in others I changed. I needed more from those I loved, I was scared and I was devastated. I developed panic issues. I went through the five stages. I went through Hell and came back a little burned. i turned back to God and I have tried to make her proud.

I have loved my only other child and adore my  gbabies. I love my husband and son-in-law. I love mom and other mom. And step dad and other family. But, yes I changed. When you lose a child you always do. I hope you never have to look at me and say,  ” I understand”.

 

Cutting back a bit at a time

I am starting to cut back on panic meds. Day two. Yesterday was one and a half and it went okay until I got under stress but I kept talking myself out of it and thank God, I did not take it. That is a MAJOR step for me.

I am starting to exercise again and I am learning to let go of toxic areas. By that, I mean when you are dealing with this kind of issue, it is a must to be able to talk to people who may not understand it but are willing to listen.

It is being able to have people who do not say you are insane or try and make you more upset or nervous but do whatever they do to help you through it. It might be listening, holding your hand, prayer, trying to understand you are in a place you may never have been before.

It may just be someone who can encourage you, lift you up and cheer you on as you struggle through what is a tough time for you. I have to say that letting go of some who could or would not try and at least understand and who did not desire to help because they were consumed in themselves (as we all are sometimes, including me) but just having compassion. Letting go of those situations helped more in a day than in the 2 and a half years I have been dealing with it.

I also found two books that are helping me to understand myself as a person and I am getting to know me. I am also grateful to my friends here on word press who have been and are on this journey with me. Thanks for the continued support. Thanks to all who have supported me.

And thank you to a beautiful person who just listened the other day. No judgment, just letting me be heard. And filling that with love that has never wavered.

Anxiety & Panic

I am exploring all the realms of dealing with this. At the current moment, I am using the control of my mind to try and block out the anxiety and panic. if i feel it coming on, I try and block it with a positive thought and the mind set that I am stronger mentally .

I am pretending I am at war and this battle is me and the enemy, panic and anxiety. I am letting go of things I cannot control and trying very hard not to dwell, as I so often do, on a certain thing.

It has been three days and I cannot say I have NOT had moments BUT I can say i was able to overcome them really quick. Soooo, for not me-3, panic and anxiety-0 on these three days. I will just keep doing this, L.W. and hope I can retrain my brain to overcome.  Oh and I have taken up Yoga again.

Life, Love & Insanity

As I travel this road of anxiety and try to learn new things each day on how to get it out of my system, my sister said something the other day when I was having a “moment”. She said, “Go back to the old you and keep thinking of the old you”. The “old” me, before all of this was a strong, independent, capable woman who faced the hurdles of life and jumped them. She didn’t come to them and go hide in the rabbit hole.

So, I did and it worked off and on. Then I got to thinking about the times I thought I was going insane, felt unloved and alone. Even though this was in my mind and partially true when people run because they do not know how to help or like an infection, they “fear” they will “catch” it, it reminded me of a poem I wrote on kindle and I want to share it with you from “The Book of Understanding”. It expresses how I felt during those worst of times.

LOVE & INSANITY

Such a fine line between the two. What defines the difference?

Insanity is an escape from reality, a journey others fear to tread.

So is Love.

Love is harsh, yet it comforts, gives hope even when it causes delusions.

So does Insanity.

Insanity keeps you from accepting certain truths and drives you to the brink.

So does Love.

Love demands. It gives, it takes and it waits for redemption.

So does Insanity.

Most never cross the line that divides the two. For the ones who do, they may never know the difference.                                           L.S. Rockel