Perhaps I did…..When she died……

Perhaps I did go a little crazy when she died. Maybe losing the child you gave birth to and watched grow up and cared for with her disability and never realized she would be gone without warning at 23 made me different.

You do not understand and I hope you never do understand. That means you lost your child too and I wouldn’t want to wish that on anyone. It is a loss you learn to live with but never get over.You learn to laugh again and God brings other love into your life but it does not take away the pain at times.

I became better in some ways but in others I changed. I needed more from those I loved, I was scared and I was devastated. I developed panic issues. I went through the five stages. I went through Hell and came back a little burned. i turned back to God and I have tried to make her proud.

I have loved my only other child and adore my  gbabies. I love my husband and son-in-law. I love mom and other mom. And step dad and other family. But, yes I changed. When you lose a child you always do. I hope you never have to look at me and say,  ” I understand”.

 

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Panic & Anxiety

Holding on and trying not to let the little things become monsters in the light. Learning to adjust to the mind set of just letting go and going on past that “thing” that is trying to enslave me.

Going through the steps needed to teach us and me how we overcome and say enough of this! It is a battle but then there are victories so relying on the victories to try and topple the panic and anxiety. Learning to be alone and be okay.

Because we can do this!

A Poem for the day I wrote & a random quote from me.

Random quote: I am proud of who I am and what I have become. The sweat and tears it took to get there and the love I found along the way.

     THE SEARCH

We search all of our lives for the impossible dream.

Only to find it was there all along.

It wasn’t money, it wasn’t fame, it wasn’t popularity.

It is a smile from someone who cares,

the soft blow of a breeze or the love of a child,

the sound of ocean waves as they roll onto the white clean sand,

The song of a bird,

or just the joy of being loved.

Anxiety & Panic

I am exploring all the realms of dealing with this. At the current moment, I am using the control of my mind to try and block out the anxiety and panic. if i feel it coming on, I try and block it with a positive thought and the mind set that I am stronger mentally .

I am pretending I am at war and this battle is me and the enemy, panic and anxiety. I am letting go of things I cannot control and trying very hard not to dwell, as I so often do, on a certain thing.

It has been three days and I cannot say I have NOT had moments BUT I can say i was able to overcome them really quick. Soooo, for not me-3, panic and anxiety-0 on these three days. I will just keep doing this, L.W. and hope I can retrain my brain to overcome.  Oh and I have taken up Yoga again.

Thank you fellow bloggers!

Thanks to all my fellow bloggers! so many offer encouragement like today from noelleg44! I am glad some of my blogs encourage and I am glad some of them are real and about life and i am glad some of you are drawn to my silly stuff!

I want you to know that you, likewise encourage me and I love your blogs and try to keep updated although some days i get a lot read and somedays I am working on things and cannot.

Either way, I thank you all and may we all continue to lift each other up and help each other when we are down! have a great day!

I THINK I WILL SCREAM NOW

Yep. I am back and forth. Should I laugh or scream? Should I walk a hundred miles without stopping or just sit in a chair and play a game on my phone? There are some days it seems like my nerves are screaming just under my skin and others that are like I am in a yoga state of mind.

I am happy and yet I feel alone. I am blessed but I feel like I have no one nearby to talk to who understands. I am fulfilled and yet I feel like everything is about to collapse underneath me.

I am on edge and yet I know it is inside my head. I am jumpy and tart and then I want  someone to comfort me but I cannot feel it when they give it. I cannot seem to quiet this ongoing battle in my brain long enough to make it believe that I am or should be okay.

Then I have more days where I am yoga happy and content. Painting, or writing or just watching a stupid show. Or I may be fixing something in or on the house. I have no friends. I do not crave them often but sometimes it would be nice. But I don’t have friends because of who I am.

I am blunt but I love. I am strict but I give a lot of affection to back it up. I am loyal but I hate to be trampled  on or lied to. Just say what you feel and be done with it. I probably won’t like it but that’s okay. I will admit it when I am wrong.

I am me. I am screaming inside, I look normal on the outside and I am sad that I am happy but this feeling won’t let me get past it sometimes. Then I feel guilty because I am unable to fight through the panic zone. After that I am happy to have conquered it once again.

There is hope. There is love. there is victory. Just Breathe. Pray. Relax and appreciate what I have.