God, do you hear me? I think sometimes you do.

God, I often come to you in despair, sometimes in joy, sometimes to talk and sometimes to cry. I often wondered if you heard me and sometimes I still do. But I know that you are listening and I know you know what I need.

You gave me the ability to love art and photography and my family and people. Abused animals and children are what I hurt for the most. People say why do bad things happen? I don’t always know but I know that we have free will. When a person does something bad, you are blamed first.

Why? You gave us minds to think on our own and to choose our own paths. if a person kills, steals, rapes. abuses  or other horrific things, it was a choice they made. I sometimes question you and ask, “Are you listening? Don’t you hear my cry?” But yes, you do. I just don’t always have the patience to wait out the answer.

I am human and sometimes God, I get mad at how the answers turn out and I get hurt when I have asked and it doesn’t come to be. But then, I am human. And we know how that goes. So I just wanted to say that even when i am unsure, yes, I know you are listening and sometimes, when I stop long enough to give you a chance, I feel you there.

It’s okay to cry sometimes.

We build walls around our lives and our hearts but sometimes it is okay to cry. Sometimes our hearts need the release of just letting it all out and letting it go. We live in a beautiful but harsh world where it seems to make you appear weak if you cry but you are not. You are strong and crying is an emotion of strength.

We have to face so many battles and obstacles that it can be a heavy load to bear and to constantly smile through it all, well kudos to those who can. I am just too human and open for all of that. I am strong willed, determined, but man, sometimes i just have to let it all out and have a good cry.

I feel such a release after. I pray, I live right the best I can, I try to do right by others, I pick my battles but life can be tough. So I just hope there are others like me who know that at times, a good old fashioned cry down is the cure for healing.

It is beautiful and yet ugly. Life

Life can be so beautiful and yet so ugly.

Love, happiness, babies. marriage, friendship, family,adoption, playing, running, adventures, prayers, reading, painting, writing, flowers, trees, the four seasons, the pureness of snow, the laughter of a child.

Bills, stress, death of a child, burdens, anxiety, hatred, racism, divorce, affairs, riots, abuse of children and women, burning our flag, killing, using people, destroying.

Something so beautiful and yet so ugly

I often question

Yes, I sometimes question God. Quite often actually. But I know that I am honest when I pray about I feel. I do not sugarcoat because sometimes I do NOT understand why.

I don’t understand many things so I question them. I ask God all kinds of questions. I asked when i am hurt, lonely, confused, angry or whatever.

But that is okay because even if I am asking questions, he knows I at least care enough to ask and that means I am there, spending time and trying to get the answers.

Why are we bad examples as Christians?

Why? Simple. because so many of us judge, think we are “better” than the “non” Christians and we are haughty, rude and sometimes downright mean. That is not what the example of Christ is supposed to be.

Don’t get me wrong. We are humans and therefore we fail. period. We are supposed to love unconditionally but that doesn’t mean we have to be doormats. What it does mean is do not expect a person who does not believe to be like you. First of all, we are to show the example, not judge the person or people who believe different.

Also, there are plenty of non Christians who are kinder than we are. That is sad. We should try and show the love of Christ through example but not by brow beating or judging or not keeping “company” with those we feel are not “like” us. Remember Jesus dined, walked and was among those that had no belief in him and had lifestyles not accepted in that time.

The very people we shun are the very people we should be talking to. Yes, we hang with other Christians but we also hang with those who are not. How can you show an example if you are never around them. Our churches are just building. The real church is us. So, we need to practice what we preach. IF we have done all we could and we are still mocked, scorned and treated bad no matter what we do, then love but walk away.

However, also remember when you pass that beggar on the street, or ignore someone asking for food, judge because someone isn’t “like” you, you are worse than they ever were. Be the example, not the Judge.

RACISM & REVOLUTION

We are in a Revolution America and racism and dividing us according to our races is pulling us apart. We need to unit as Americans. Why hate me because I am black, white, asian, latino, or any other race? We NEED to unite!

When it all comes down to the bottom line, we can work as a unit to help this Country and we can overcome anything thrown at us. But if we allow the media to continue to turn us against each other then we are in trouble.

We are all one nation, under God. We are allowing the media and our own personal feelings to cause us to turn on each other. The excuses of bad officers as an excuse for turning on each other is no excuse. There are good and bad people no matter what their profession or race. So let’s stop doing this and come together as a Country. United we WILL stand but DIVIDED we will fall.

A Poem for today & A random Quote

LISTEN

Close your eyes, stop your thoughts and just listen.

What do you hear? Is it voices? Is it rain? Is it ocean waves as they crash onto the sand?

Is it cars as they bustle about on their busy day? Maybe it is babies crying or children laughing.

Dogs barking, cats meowing, or is the the sounds of war, crime and hate?

If you listen soft enough and close off the world, you will hear other sounds as well.

The unbroken symphony of the one you love

The heartbeat of angels or the song of the hurt.

The anger of the broken or the whisper of goodbye.

All of the things we miss

Because we never TRULY listen.

RANDOM QUOTE: Two things that can break you and bring you to your knees;

When you realize the power of God and the death of a child.

Life & Love

Life. So filled with so many emotions. Anger, sadness, joy, tears, anxiety, pressure, hope, faith, trying, holding on.

Learning, grieving, getting through, getting by and living. Paying bills, taking care of the kids, watching their laughter and tears. Being with your partner and dreaming about what will be, may be, should be, could be.

Friendships and the hurts, the joys, the pains of having one, holding onto one and giving up one. The hope of new friends, the bond of old friends, the strength of true friends who are there always.

In all this array of emotions centers all of the strongest. the most important, the most neglected and yet the truest. LOVE.

 

Anxiety and its not so great moments

It has been quite a while since i had a “moment”. One came last week even though I am on meds and it set off a whole new time of worry. Ugh! I hate that part. Soooo, back to mentally challenging myself until Lord Willing, follow up with cardiologist on Thursday.

I am a good percent sure it is or was panic or anxiety but strangely, i wasn’t even upset or stressed at that moment. I was talking to someone who was but i felt fine and then bam! there it came. Out of nowhere. What bothered me is I am on meds for it so i couldn’t figure out why it happened.

Then I call Doc and he says no probably not panic which led to the Cardio follow up. Then this morning I was stressed and had pain under my breast area and that freaked me out. Super ugh! I have doing really good so to have the episode was needless to say, upsetting.

It is such a fine line between if something is wrong or panic that I think that is what can set panic into motion. Either way, here we go round and round on the circle of this disorder. So, I am going to try some yoga, some breathing exercises and just try to relax and see if that helps.

As this only started less than two years ago, I find it disturbing, scary, annoying and it just flat out makes me mad sometimes that IF it is only panic, WHY is it able to control my mind? Totally a bad deal. So sharing my mood for the day for my fellow challenged in this area. Let us try to rock on and overcome this if we can.

WHEN OUR CHILDREN GROW UP

A friend once had this habit of saying, “They grow up to fast”. talking about our children. At the time, of course I understood what he meant but I thought, “Well, mine are 11 and 5 so I am good”. But the years flew by and sure enough, before I knew it they were growing up. Way too fast. One was 21 and the other 14. The, at 23. I lost my oldest in a car wreck and that left me one.

I was in shock at the time and I still feel her in my heart every day but I was still had the other who needed me so I had to be there for her. Then before I knew it, she was having her own baby and I had always heard you never know what it feels like to be a grandparent until you get there and then , you are in love all over again.

I felt so blessed and thanked God for this beautiful little baby but I learned also, that no matter how much you love them, your baby now has a baby and you want to be like a mother “or” father hen and tell them all about how to do it.

Sadly, the marriage fell apart but I found myself again blessed when she remarried and I was gifted with two more beautiful grandchildren. But I also, once again realized that my child was grown and no matter what, she was living her own life and there was not more running to mommy for band aids or hurts.

I got that with my youngest grand baby but that was also when schedules allowed that I saw her and the my other two babies. Life is hectic and I want to hold my daughter again sometimes just like when she was little. But children grow up and we have to let them fly.

It hurts, it can be sad, and it can be good. Many times it can be frustrating if we don’t see them doing what we had hoped for. She has done great. She is a nurse, she is happy and she seems to be progressing quite well. However, my heart still longs at time for that mother child bond you get the most when they are little.

Moral of the story is;  He was right. My friend. “They grow up too fast, we have to let go and it is not an easy thing to do”. But, if I learned one thing, it is not to worry about all the tiny things they do we don’t like, don’t worry about whether they match up to other kids and just know you loved and did the best you could by them. As it say’s in the Bible, “Raise your child in the way they should go and they will return to that at some point”. Not exactly as it written but you get the point.