Today is Today

I am just thinking and over thinking which I am so great at. lol. But realizing each day is what you deal with and worry about that day only. However, I am trying to cleanse my brain of all toxic thoughts, people and actions and keep it clean and clear.

I am trying to focus on things that are important and not things people might do, whether they realize it or not that will keep me thinking clearly and firmly in the positive. Of course there are negatives in life but I can still focus on what is the important and the real.

I am trying to keep any toxic people out of my life and out of my head. For those who suffer anxiety or panic, this is a must for us! We have to not re- think everything we say or do or that others say or do to us. it is what it is and people are who they are. Period.

We cannot change them but we can delete them from our lives in the way of letting them know we are no longer going to listen to negative thoughts about us or how we live. We have to go on and realize it is not our fault if someone tried to play on our weakness. It is only our fault if we let them.

So let’s be strong fellow sufferers and try to wipe all of that out and strengthen our hearts, minds and souls so we can recover in our own ways and enjoy life as it is. Have a GREAT day and stand STRONG!

A poem for Panic & Anxiety

                                      DEMONS of the MIND

 You cannot help what you don’t understand.

The fear, the darkness that threatens to overtake me.

The way my own mind scares me at times and makes me think things

that are not even true. The way i think

The way I love

 The way i cry

The loneliness

The fright

The desire to need and feel love

To be accepted, needed, wanted.

Then pushing it away

Out of fear it will rejected.

The fear of not being in control of my life.

The torture of trying to understand

reality

honesty

fake people

life

hope.

All of these are the Demons of my mind. To help me……. You have to understand them.

L.S. Rockel Copyright 2014

A Day in the Life of Anxiety

Well, here we are again. I have had a pretty good week so far. Of course, I try to be positive, do exercise and practice breathing as well as learning how to let go of negative thoughts. That is a hard one but I am getting better at it. I just am learning to try and say, “Here God, your problem, not mine because you have to fix it, I can’t.”

I am trying to not freak out when I have a moment or when I am overcome with 50 million things and issues going through my brain. It is like a super computer that seems to transmit every thing it can to place worry into my mind.

But I am also learning how to override that by thinking of something positive and challenging myself to let it go. We can control some things and those we cannot, well, stressing still will NOT change it. So we might as well deal with it and go on about our business or let it go and just go about our business. hahahahahaa.

That is the way I have to deal with it. There are days I feel like I am falling apart and other days when I do so good that it is a very happy day. But I am feeling good knowing that in most cases I now am learning to control it instead of it controlling me. So that was my thought and feeling process for today. I hope yours was good and filled with hope. 🙂

Panic and Anxiety

I live in this world and for the most part, I hate it. That part of the world I deal with. On the other hand, it is teaching me things I never even knew. How to calm my self, how to not overthink everything. It is teaching me how to resolve problems and how to get throw a panic attack even though it is by no means easy.

It is also helping me to understand others who have it and how we take this journey together. It is a strange, cold world, the world of panic and anxiety and yet it is an eye opener. You learn that those who truly care may fail at times but they will keep coming back to try and help you figure it out. the reality may be that they are scared they may  fall prey to the world of it themselves if they get too close or try to hard to help.

Regardless, we have others going through that we can lean on, that do understand, that know the challenges we face and we can share the many ways we work to resolve these issues. So, Good day to my fellow agents and we continue our fight to get back to “normal”.

Why many people are turning away from God these days. (Even if you are not a Christian, please read)

My brother in law posted an article yesterday about Christians and cursing and so on. It detailed how we often judge when our sins are just the same and it gave light to many things. But where it struck home with me was in how I act and am. My husband is a contractor but he is also a Pastor.

Now, being I am human of course, I am not the typical Pastor’s wife. I can be quick tempered, I am found guilty of holding a grudge and not realizing it, I can hurt back when I am hurt and so many other things I do that are NOT what the Bible say’s to do to show how we should live.

There are probably MORE non- Christians doing good in this day and time than there are Christians. I am not trying to convert anyone because that is not my decision for anyone to make but I am writing this because I realize after reading that article that I am so at fault in so many areas.

I am by nature, kind, forgiving, and always desiring to help others if I can.  I love, I have a compassion for animals and abused children but if I were not a person that believed in God, I would be much worse than I am. So, point being, fellow believers, the next time we look down on someone, judge someone, hate on someone or find we are holding back forgiveness when they hurt us, maybe it is time WE asked for forgiveness and learn to practice what we so quickly preach.

When you are a part of us. For family and friends of those who have anxiety or panic.

No, you don’t understand us or our issue. Some of you try but you can’t see it so you either run from it or try to help by blindly doing what you might think helps. We love those of you who do try and we are sad for those who rung because you are running from us as well.

So, I am going to try and take you into our world and see if I can give you a glimpse of what it feels like or how scary it can be. Take your worst phobia or fear and imagine going through it. An example would be claustrophobia. The fear of closed in spaces. Have someone put you in a tiny confined area with no light and close you in. They are not going to tell you when they will let you out.

So, there you are, with no idea when or how you can get out. There is no escape. The fear builds the longer you are there and no one comes to get you out. Thoughts start getting into your head and you get more and more panicked with each minute that ticks by. Seconds seem like hours.

Finally, after what seems to have been hours, the door opens but you are shaking, terrified and beyond any way of calming yourself down. the person with you tries to console you but it does no good. Because why? You are in a state of panic. Your mind is playing games with you and finally,finally, after you think you are on the brink of going insane, you get calm.

That is what happens in our life when these moments come. This is how our lives are in these moments. Yes, there are things we learn and use to get better and then a day comes and bam, it hits out of the blue. I only began having panic attacks less than two years ago. I went from a strong, very independent person to a person who found herself totally at a loss as to what had happened.

I still battle it and although MOST of my days are good, and I am so grateful and blessed for that, I am never sure when they will pop up. But, I thought maybe if those around us could just get a small glimpse of what we go through, it might help them to understand. We need you to know, not run.

Anxiety & Panic: What you don’t understand

I did NOT choose this. I do not understand it. I have tried everything so far that I can to try and stop it. I never even had it until a little over a year ago. It is NOT a sympathy attempt to get people to feel sorry for you. I have NO desire for people to feel sorry for me. I was always strong before this. I have no answers as to why I have it but I do know this. And I am going to share it for those who do not understand.

Maybe it came when I got sick. Maybe not, I had been much sicker before. Maybe it came when I felt I had lost control. I had always been very specific about how I did things. Maybe it came when I lost my oldest daughter but it took a few years to set in. Ever lost a child? If not, you cannot understand what it does to your soul. Of course I appreciate and am grateful for my life, my child, my grandchildren, son in law and etc.  Maybe it. Just. Came. For whatever reason, if you think it is hard to understand, try living it.

I know God has a reason but that sadly, does not help at times when I have done everything I can think of to fight it. Do you know how hard it is to have a thing locked in your brain and there are good days and bad days. I have fallen on my knees in prayer, changed what I watch, read every book I could get my hands on, tried supplements, therapy, emotional therapy and so many other things.

Before you judge my change in personality, or my break downs or my moments of acting like I am just flat out crazy, try understanding an illness no one but me can see. Or feel. Try being there when I need you most or at least showing SOME kind of support. Try praying with me, not for me. Maybe stop by and see me. I didn’t ask for this. But I live it. I thank God for every day and I am so grateful for that. Regardless, the fear and anxiety sometimes take over and I find my self at square one. Understand before you judge. Love before you ridicule and accept there is a problem and try to help solve it instead of saying or thinking, “Get over it”. I would love to get over it. I would love to feel normal again. I would love to not have this fear. But for now, it is here. Sometimes it is fixable, sometimes it rocks me to the core. Either way, unless you have been there, you do not understand and if you had been there, you would be here in some form or fashion, whether through calls, text, visits, holding hands or showing love.

This is a journey no one would EVER ask for, I can assure you of that.

LETTING GO OF TOXIC PEOPLE, TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS & NEGATIVE ANYTHING

I used to think people saying things like that were just weird. It is a part of life. Well, it is but I have found that it is also true. We have to let go of toxic people or relationships that cause us stress, worry or disturb our relationship with God. We can be honest, upfront and be ourselves but those kinds of people and relationships will use it against us because of many reasons. It might be jealousy, anger with their own lives, or maybe they just don’t care about us or we just don’t have a place in their lives.

LET THEM GO. Let go of negative thoughts and replace them with something positive. Concentrate more on the good things you have, the good people, the people who care, the positive things in your life you can focus on. Spend time with prayer, meditation, music, whatever brings you joy. Your kids, grandkids, etc. Toxic people tend to be two-faced. They smile in your face and then talk about you. When you find out, you get angry and the toxin is back. Just let it go. Love from a distance.

Confide in people who want to listen because they care. Not because they cannot wait to share the juicy things you tried to confide about as soon as they hit their next house to complain, gripe and say, “Oh yeah, he/she said this or that? Can you believe it? we need to pray for them. Of course, prayer never comes into the picture but lot’s of gossip does. We all vent, and we all share our hurts, likes and desires but toxic people listen while they are storing it to use against you. REAL friendship is talking, if you believe in God actually praying about it even if you don’t do it that second.

That does not mean we cannot be human and express our feelings. Just avoid the negative people who when you are trying to do better always find a way to knock you back down after your struggle to get back up. I have been faulted for being loyal, saying that is not what Jesus did but yes, it is, he was loyal, honest, upfront and he did not back down. My mistake was letting people cause me to get angry or hurt and then getting them “back” . That comes from toxic areas. So, I think I will try and love from a distance with these kind of people, stay true to saying how I feel in my heart and being loyal even if it means I am not part of the “crowd”.

PARTIAL FACEBOOK WITHDRAWAL AND ANXIETY

I decided to take a partial hiatus from face book. It is kind of like withdrawals on day two but good at the same time. I can share my word press blogs, my music and even check notifications. I just sift through and check to see what I choose to read. I also can get on notifications to check on my face book sites I started and make sure they are up and going as well as my church site.

It is something I read that said one of the five causes of depression can be face book. That was an eye opener. So, I decided to try it. It gives me time to get things done and I spend way much less time on face book and more time getting constructive. I am able to focus on more positive things and less negative. That is also a plus because I did not realize how much negativity is actually on face book. I have a love/hate relationship with it. lol.

So, for now, it seems to be going okay but only day two. I realized also that you can spend more time in your own “real” life and not a page where people hide who they are, build themselves up, post things totally against what they say they believe in and on the other hand, there are happy things I can view if I choose to.

It is a release and I have to make it very clear this is something for me. I am not judging anyone who is on it, who stays on it or who finds it a needed part of their life. Just a decision I chose to make. I can also post anything there without having to go there if I choose not to.

Good day everyone. May your day be blessed.

HONESTY AND HIDING BEHIND UNSEEN CURTAINS

It is hard to be honest with someone. It is hard to look a person in the face and say, “You hurt me. You make me feel sad. You were cruel or mean. You avoid me and then act like you didn’t know I called or tried to reach out”.  Being honest does often win you friends. It can be done in love but your chances of keeping that person on “your” team drop drastically. Be prepared.

However, as long as you are looking into your own “spiritual” mirror, and seeing your own faults and flaws, it is okay to be honest. Too many times today we hide behind an “unseen” curtain that we feel protects us because we feel by being “honest” we might upset someone. The truth is, you might actually help someone.

None of us see ourselves as we truly are. We see ourselves in a much better light that what we actually are. That does not mean we are “bad” people, only that we need to really look at a world around us that has covered itself in an “unseen” curtain. As long as we all smile and play nice, the world is good.

But, in reality, we are living a false life. What better friend is the friend who is truly open and honest and tells the ones they love how they feel. Has it ever made me mad or upset when someone came to me in true honesty and not just lashing at me because I made them mad? Sure, it hurt or made me mad but I thought it over and the times I WAS wrong, I was honest enough to go back and say, “I am sorry. you were right”. Did I want to? Not really but that is part of removing that “unseen curtain”.

In a world of fake smiles, fake friends, and fake people, we need honesty back. It is what made the human part of us, human.