A poem for Panic & Anxiety

                                      DEMONS of the MIND

 You cannot help what you don’t understand.

The fear, the darkness that threatens to overtake me.

The way my own mind scares me at times and makes me think things

that are not even true. The way i think

The way I love

 The way i cry

The loneliness

The fright

The desire to need and feel love

To be accepted, needed, wanted.

Then pushing it away

Out of fear it will rejected.

The fear of not being in control of my life.

The torture of trying to understand

reality

honesty

fake people

life

hope.

All of these are the Demons of my mind. To help me……. You have to understand them.

L.S. Rockel Copyright 2014

Anger vs. Love and Forgiveness

Ever get really angry at someone and just feel hatred toward someone who did you wrong? Maybe they talked bad about you, lied about you, cursed you or stole away your love. Maybe they betrayed you in one of a possible hundred ways.

Anger and hate are such pleasant retaliations against someone who has wronged you .The worst are the passive/ aggressive ones who are nice to you but in that way that you know they are truly pissed inside and only YOU & THEM know what they are doing. You could never prove it because they are just too smooth at what they do.

It is such sweet revenge to “get” back at your enemies or betrayers. Knowing how much you freak them out when you post it all over social media. Snapchat, your blog, instagram, face book, or etc. In this day and time the possibilities are endless. Then when you know you “got” em and it hit the mark.

Pretty soon, you are not speaking, and anytime either of you get you are telling others and on the phone and going back and forth on that “social media” for the world to see. How pathetic they are those scumbags. Seldom is revenge NOT sweet. It is the long term effects you don’t know are are coming.

Before you know it, another person, and another , and another has done you wrong. I mean, can you believe it? What is WRONG with these people? After a while it becomes a daily ritual to see who you can get back at or who you can exact your revenge upon.

Now comes the hard part. Love and Forgiveness. Love and forgiving are not that easy sometimes. Love is letting your heart open up to accept people for whom and what they are. Flawed. We all are. Love is knowing sometimes, you will NEVER get a return or investment back no matter how hard you try.

Love means that nio matter what, you refuse to hate that person regardless of what they do. However, love does not mean you have to be stepped on,  or abused. It simply means we can love them but walk away or take a step back and let go.

Forgiveness is the hardest sometimes especially if you know in your heart you are the one who did someone wrong or they were the one who broke your heart. Then it is a battle to find a way to reach deep inside your soul, let go of what happened and forgive. It is especially hard when you know that same person will say they forgive and they are going to go behind your back and do it again.

BUT, that is the true ART of forgiveness. You forgive when you truly let go, forgive and realize YOU will will NEVER change that person. You only have to change YOU. Letting go of the poison they have put into your life enables you to go on and do better things so you can enjoy the beauty of this world God gave us to enjoy. That is when you trally begin to live.

A Touch of Humor Today

I wrote this when I watched a lifetime movie. I do not like like lifetime but got talked into it. lol. So I thought this song was good for it.

A COUNTRY and/or LOVE SONG

We lived together for 12 long years,

before you finally said I do.

I didn’t know that piece of paper would mean for us that we were through.

You said you would love me forever,

I didn’t know that meant for a day.

Cause you left me the very next morning,

When Piggly wiggly Sue, stole your heart away.

Now I’m stuck with six kids, ages 11 down to three

While you took her bowlin’

And you watched movies in 3D.

My heart has been broken, yeah, broken in two

So I hope you are happy and she’s happy with you.

I had us big dreams you know, cookouts and figs,

But you left me here, with kids, chickens and pigs.

Well, it’s been a month now and I’m starting to heal,

I guess in love, well, nothin is real.

So here is some news for you, Romeo Joe,

A tidbit of info you ought to know.

Last week my BFF Kathy set me up on a date

I have really found true love, guess it aint never too late.

The next night  he gave me a ring, a real beauty divine,

This morn we got married at quarter till nine.

L.S. Rockel

 

SO it has been a weird week

Okay. So the past week has been so crazy. My husband got sick, ended up in hospital and we all know how fun that is. The dogs had family looking after them and the cats and birds and fish.

The dogs freaked with love when we got here, the cats ignored me as usual, the fish could care less and the birds screamed loud enough for three blocks away to hear. So, things are settling in now.

BUT, here we trying to stay awake until we could sleep without waking up at 3 a.m. for the day. But this is one of my boring post so I will add one of my random quote so maybe that will make it more interesting.

MY RANDOM QUOTE: The path of life is filled with many roads. The ones you choose will determine how green your grass is.

Abuse & Letting GO

I went through this many years ago and I so I wrote this poem before I got out and took years to recover.

UN-ENCHANTED LOVE

I feel as though I am trapped in a fortress

Trapped by your rage, unable to escape.

The walls that surround me are your hatred

And the thorns at the top are each time your bitter words have pierced my heart.

No flowers grow here grow here, only weeds of destruction.

Waiting to choke the last of my strength.

Inside of me, where happiness strives to live,

Your vines of anger entangle my heart,

Trying to destroy any joy or contentment.

I hope to break free of this prison,

And smile once again.

I want to wake each day without your dark shadow hanging over me.

And to laugh again without feeling  the punishment of your revenge.

I know one day I will become whole again.

When I do, I will become a blossoming and beautiful rose

And you will still be a choking weed, hiding  until you find more sunlight to destroy.

L.S. Rockel

I THINK I WILL SCREAM NOW

Yep. I am back and forth. Should I laugh or scream? Should I walk a hundred miles without stopping or just sit in a chair and play a game on my phone? There are some days it seems like my nerves are screaming just under my skin and others that are like I am in a yoga state of mind.

I am happy and yet I feel alone. I am blessed but I feel like I have no one nearby to talk to who understands. I am fulfilled and yet I feel like everything is about to collapse underneath me.

I am on edge and yet I know it is inside my head. I am jumpy and tart and then I want  someone to comfort me but I cannot feel it when they give it. I cannot seem to quiet this ongoing battle in my brain long enough to make it believe that I am or should be okay.

Then I have more days where I am yoga happy and content. Painting, or writing or just watching a stupid show. Or I may be fixing something in or on the house. I have no friends. I do not crave them often but sometimes it would be nice. But I don’t have friends because of who I am.

I am blunt but I love. I am strict but I give a lot of affection to back it up. I am loyal but I hate to be trampled  on or lied to. Just say what you feel and be done with it. I probably won’t like it but that’s okay. I will admit it when I am wrong.

I am me. I am screaming inside, I look normal on the outside and I am sad that I am happy but this feeling won’t let me get past it sometimes. Then I feel guilty because I am unable to fight through the panic zone. After that I am happy to have conquered it once again.

There is hope. There is love. there is victory. Just Breathe. Pray. Relax and appreciate what I have.

LETTING GO OF TOXIC PEOPLE, TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS & NEGATIVE ANYTHING

I used to think people saying things like that were just weird. It is a part of life. Well, it is but I have found that it is also true. We have to let go of toxic people or relationships that cause us stress, worry or disturb our relationship with God. We can be honest, upfront and be ourselves but those kinds of people and relationships will use it against us because of many reasons. It might be jealousy, anger with their own lives, or maybe they just don’t care about us or we just don’t have a place in their lives.

LET THEM GO. Let go of negative thoughts and replace them with something positive. Concentrate more on the good things you have, the good people, the people who care, the positive things in your life you can focus on. Spend time with prayer, meditation, music, whatever brings you joy. Your kids, grandkids, etc. Toxic people tend to be two-faced. They smile in your face and then talk about you. When you find out, you get angry and the toxin is back. Just let it go. Love from a distance.

Confide in people who want to listen because they care. Not because they cannot wait to share the juicy things you tried to confide about as soon as they hit their next house to complain, gripe and say, “Oh yeah, he/she said this or that? Can you believe it? we need to pray for them. Of course, prayer never comes into the picture but lot’s of gossip does. We all vent, and we all share our hurts, likes and desires but toxic people listen while they are storing it to use against you. REAL friendship is talking, if you believe in God actually praying about it even if you don’t do it that second.

That does not mean we cannot be human and express our feelings. Just avoid the negative people who when you are trying to do better always find a way to knock you back down after your struggle to get back up. I have been faulted for being loyal, saying that is not what Jesus did but yes, it is, he was loyal, honest, upfront and he did not back down. My mistake was letting people cause me to get angry or hurt and then getting them “back” . That comes from toxic areas. So, I think I will try and love from a distance with these kind of people, stay true to saying how I feel in my heart and being loyal even if it means I am not part of the “crowd”.