My blogs and why I write them

I write these blogs to encourage, to help people who suffer from issues I do, to bring hope to some who feel alone and to share stories and talk to fellow bloggers. I write a variety of things from quotes, thoughts on life, issues with panic and anxiety, stories, poems and more. I also share my photography and artwork that i do as part of my headline.

I hope it does help some and encourage. I hope others enjoy the poems, stories and thoughts. I also hope the art and photography brings a smile to some people. So, that is why I blog and I try to read as much as i can from my fellow bloggers, like and share some of the the things I like and although i may not always reply, I am reading. ūüôā Have a great day!

Today is Today

I am just thinking and over thinking which I am so great at. lol. But realizing each day is what you deal with and worry about that day only. However, I am trying to cleanse my brain of all toxic thoughts, people and actions and keep it clean and clear.

I am trying to focus on things that are important and not things people might do, whether they realize it or not that will keep me thinking clearly and firmly in the positive. Of course there are negatives in life but I can still focus on what is the important and the real.

I am trying to keep any toxic people out of my life and out of my head. For those who suffer anxiety or panic, this is a must for us! We have to not re- think everything we say or do or that others say or do to us. it is what it is and people are who they are. Period.

We cannot change them but we can delete them from our lives in the way of letting them know we are no longer going to listen to negative thoughts about us or how we live. We have to go on and realize it is not our fault if someone tried to play on our weakness. It is only our fault if we let them.

So let’s be strong fellow sufferers and try to wipe all of that out and strengthen our hearts, minds and souls so we can recover in our own ways and enjoy life as it is. Have a GREAT day and stand STRONG!

Anxiety and its not so great moments

It has been quite a while since i had a “moment”. One came last week even though I am on meds and it set off a whole new time of worry. Ugh! I hate that part. Soooo, back to mentally challenging myself until Lord Willing, follow up with cardiologist on Thursday.

I am a good percent sure it is or was panic or anxiety but strangely, i wasn’t even upset or stressed at that moment. I was talking to someone who was but i felt fine and then bam! there it came. Out of nowhere. What bothered me is I am on meds for it so i couldn’t figure out why it happened.

Then I call Doc and he says no probably not panic which led to the Cardio follow up. Then this morning I was stressed and had pain under my breast area and that freaked me out. Super ugh! I have doing really good so to have the episode was needless to say, upsetting.

It is such a fine line between if something is wrong or panic that I think that is what can set panic into motion. Either way, here we go round and round on the circle of this disorder. So, I am going to try some yoga, some breathing exercises and just try to relax and see if that helps.

As this only started less than two years ago, I find it disturbing, scary, annoying and it just flat out makes me mad sometimes that IF it is only panic, WHY is it able to control my mind? Totally a bad deal. So sharing my mood for the day for my fellow challenged in this area. Let us try to rock on and overcome this if we can.

A poem for Panic & Anxiety

                                      DEMONS of the MIND

¬†You cannot help what you don’t understand.

The fear, the darkness that threatens to overtake me.

The way my own mind scares me at times and makes me think things

that are not even true. The way i think

The way I love

 The way i cry

The loneliness

The fright

The desire to need and feel love

To be accepted, needed, wanted.

Then pushing it away

Out of fear it will rejected.

The fear of not being in control of my life.

The torture of trying to understand

reality

honesty

fake people

life

hope.

All of these are the Demons of my mind. To help me……. You have to understand them.

L.S. Rockel Copyright 2014

Abuse & Letting GO

I went through this many years ago and I so I wrote this poem before I got out and took years to recover.

UN-ENCHANTED LOVE

I feel as though I am trapped in a fortress

Trapped by your rage, unable to escape.

The walls that surround me are your hatred

And the thorns at the top are each time your bitter words have pierced my heart.

No flowers grow here grow here, only weeds of destruction.

Waiting to choke the last of my strength.

Inside of me, where happiness strives to live,

Your vines of anger entangle my heart,

Trying to destroy any joy or contentment.

I hope to break free of this prison,

And smile once again.

I want to wake each day without your dark shadow hanging over me.

And to laugh again without feeling  the punishment of your revenge.

I know one day I will become whole again.

When I do, I will become a blossoming and beautiful rose

And you will still be a choking weed, hiding  until you find more sunlight to destroy.

L.S. Rockel

I THINK I WILL SCREAM NOW

Yep. I am back and forth. Should I laugh or scream? Should I walk a hundred miles without stopping or just sit in a chair and play a game on my phone? There are some days it seems like my nerves are screaming just under my skin and others that are like I am in a yoga state of mind.

I am happy and yet I feel alone. I am blessed but I feel like I have no one nearby to talk to who understands. I am fulfilled and yet I feel like everything is about to collapse underneath me.

I am on edge and yet I know it is inside my head. I am jumpy and tart and then I want  someone to comfort me but I cannot feel it when they give it. I cannot seem to quiet this ongoing battle in my brain long enough to make it believe that I am or should be okay.

Then I have more days where I am yoga happy and content. Painting, or writing or just watching a stupid show. Or I may be fixing something in or on the house. I have no friends. I do not crave them often but sometimes it would be nice. But I don’t have friends because of who I am.

I am blunt but I love. I am strict but I give a lot of affection to back it up. I am loyal but I hate to be trampled¬† on or lied to. Just say what you feel and be done with it. I probably won’t like it but that’s okay. I will admit it when I am wrong.

I am me. I am screaming inside, I look normal on the outside and I am sad that I am happy but this feeling won’t let me get past it sometimes. Then I feel guilty because I am unable to fight through the panic zone. After that I am happy to have conquered it once again.

There is hope. There is love. there is victory. Just Breathe. Pray. Relax and appreciate what I have.

A Day in the Life of Anxiety

Well, here we are again. I have had a pretty good week so far. Of course, I try to be positive, do exercise and practice breathing as well as learning how to let go of negative thoughts. That is a hard one but I am getting better at it. I just am learning to try and say, “Here God, your problem, not mine because you have to fix it, I can’t.”

I am trying to not freak out when I have a moment or when I am overcome with 50 million things and issues going through my brain. It is like a super computer that seems to transmit every thing it can to place worry into my mind.

But I am also learning how to override that by thinking of something positive and challenging myself to let it go. We can control some things and those we cannot, well, stressing still will NOT change it. So we might as well deal with it and go on about our business or let it go and just go about our business. hahahahahaa.

That is the way I have to deal with it. There are days I feel like I am falling apart and other days when I do so good that it is a very happy day. But I am feeling good knowing that in most cases I now am learning to control it instead of it controlling me. So that was my thought and feeling process for today. I hope yours was good and filled with hope. ūüôā