BUTTERFLY: Copyright 2015 L.S. Rockel

Butterfly

A twisted spiraling world filled with dark and light colors, dreams of nightmares and nightmares of dreams.

Green, yellow, blue, purple, orange, yellow, black formations flowing through the air.

Hearts smiling, faces crying, people asking, wondering, wishing.

Life all around holding secrets, sharing stories, sweeping floors and drinking coffee.

Watching.

Keeping time that cannot be kept, feeling things that are not felt.

Reality that is seen but not really the truth standing before them.

Illusions.

Stars in the sky as they dance, the swirl surrounds the world until it goes to sleep.

Sunrise, sunset, sunshine and bright light, mystical scents that drive that heart.

Hot, sweaty, dried up clams of nothingness that open into beautiful salty creatures.

Waves on the sand holding back things the mind cannot figure.

Love, joy, hate, forgiveness, colors, swirling, batons of the mind.  L.S. Rockel Copyright 2015

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Christians today and why we must stay strong.

As you have obviously seen, I am struggling right now with this great mind god gave me. However, I have to stand strong.

We all should stand strong even when our faith is the size of a mustard seed. My mustard seed has a small sprout now.

it is okay to stand for what you believe in. That does not mean you are judging others or not loving them. Those who truly love you will respect that you have different beliefs.

If not, they will walk away and so I pray for their journey just as I pray for mine.

It is okay to be a real person and not a fake one in the aspect that you please everyone all the time. Then you are NOT really YOU. You are a robot to the world because you cannot be who you are as God designed you.

Just because I am struggling and walking a glass tipped road right now makes me no less of a believer.

It just means my road is painful right now so I must get through the pain.

I used to think that God never designed us to have be on ANY medication. I DO believe since Doctors are paid well to get you on meds they get a profit from that it is over done BUT there are times.

We may not believe the same way or about the same things. But we can agree to disagree. It is not my place to judge you, nor your place to judge me.

If we spread more love around this world, genuine love and show ways of caring, it goes a long way.

DAYS 11& 12 : Panic and anxiety

I had two really good days. I took a trip to see family and I am still working on resolving my issues within myself. I am learning to let go of the guilt, the past that caused this and all of the other issues that made me always think, “Of course, only me”.

It was happening to me because I allowed my mind to believe it.  Yes, things happen in life but it was my negative thoughts and disbelief in myself that brought it on.

Our minds are powerful tools but we can rise from the muck and mire as I have often heard said by others.

THAT is why I am re-training my brain. It is also why I am taking it a step at a time. In 12 days, my panics have cut back a lot. Do I still get them? They try to start off and I fight back. Some methods that are working for me are as follows:

Prayer, a page I wrote and carry with me now with a saying on it and some Bible verses that get me through. I also listen to calming music. Zen music, meditation music, spa music, and at other times nature sounds because I love Nature. Breathing techniques and more. Sounds like a lot of work because it is a lot of work BUT if it stops this, Amen to that.

I have picked up my camera again.

I have learned that the things that are stressing me out, I cannot change by stressing so I avert my mind to other things.

I am down to one med and occasional aspirin and I am trying Holy Basil BUT I have to be careful and not combine those two on the same day because both can thin the blood or so it say’s in some of the places I looked up.

I am exercising but in small amounts. Pilates , yoga, walking and all over exercises to strengthen my body along with my mind.

I usually do 10 minutes at a time for now, a couple of times a day.

So there are we are. As of now. 🙂

Day 10: Panic and negativity

So I am learning to focus on more positive as opposed to negative.

I wish people could understand that this is a battle and so while you avoid us because of our negativity, it is actually an issue that could be made more positive if you realized this is a battle that we struggle with.

The fear is not real and as we work to train our minds to that thought, maybe keep in mind, you cannot judge what you don’t understand.

I am having some great days and some not so good days since I started this but I don’t need nor want sympathy or just not speaking because it might affect your sunshine world.

Keep in mind that in a world where we all have to be “happy” all the time, there may come a time after I have overcome this when you may need me.

It would feel sad to think that I didn’t want to step in because I might be affected or “infected with your problem.

We find out who our real friends are when going through this and on the up side, we learn we were never really their friend at all.

Just someone they used for their wants until things went sour.

I am thankful I have learned things about my own self. That I was allowing negative thoughts instead of positive.

That I worry too much.

That I allow my OCD to try and control me..

That I would hold a grudge and not even know it.

However, I was always the first one there if I could be there when needed.

As I still have some who support me and I SO appreciate that, they just don’t know, I have found others who talk it well but never even send a text or a call to say “Thinking of you or checking on you.”.

I guess that was Gods way of showing me who felt I held some kind of importance in their lives.

The others I never needed anyway.

So, as I/we continue this journey, remember, the ones who care will show it in some form or another.

The ones who talk you will not hear from. What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? 15 If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? 17 Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

The body includes the mind.

So, while I have or should say, I am learning as I go, I have realized the negative things I have to work on and who I can count on when the flooding begins.  Get rid of the people in your life who just do NOT care. Love them but let them go.

Re-Training the Brain for Christians

In your heart there is a door. The outside of the door is black. That is fear AKA Satan.

The inside of the door is white. That is Faith AKA God.

When Satan knocks, have God answer the door for you and say the following:

1. “She/he is a child me, the most high God”.

2.” No weapons formed against her/him shall prosper”.

3. “As long as he/she stays in the faith, I will deliver him/her, I will restore him/her, I will vindicate him/her. I will heal him/her. ”

4.”I am her/his  salvation and light, whom shall she/he fear?

5.” He/she is strong of courage, for I, the Lord their God is with them.”

6. He/she will not fear because he/she knows to whom they belong”.

Re-Training the brain DAY NINE

Today I am focusing on re-training my brain. We all have a past that we can carry or just put down and go on. It will not fix anything because the past cannot be changed. We can only focus on today. This is a large part of anxiety in our lives. Or other stress.

So to start re-training the brain, we have to let go of what was and believe in what is.

Today is a new day. I believe in God, you may not . My faith is often the grain of a mustard seed but it is enough to for God to hold on and help.

I believe that we are allowed many avenues to help us get past our past and one of mine is music. I love the moonlight Sonata by Beethoven.

I am also listening to hypnosis videos of calming and safe meditation. I am learning to just take each day for what it is and accept that.

If it gets overwhelming, I breathe in deeply or sometimes just slowly. Whatever works.

But if we carry our past as luggage, it just weighs us down.

I know I am a good person and I am always trying to help those in need and I have a heart for abused children whether it is mental or physical.

So how do we re-train our brain and let go of the past and still pluck out the things that made us good?

By doing just that. Pluck out any things that made you a good person and see yourself throwing all the rest in a trash bag and throwing it away.

That is how I am starting this day.

I made mistakes but those who judge me for that need to look at themselves. None of us are without fault so we have to realize that and go on.

Let go of toxic people who hinder you from being who you CAN become.

My animals are actually Aliens

They could not possibly be from this planet. Today was Cat day. They are now taking turns. Yesterday was Nitro day with his 90 lb. puppy 8 month self. You can see that blog on here. Today, it was Hercules and Cujo. Beware what you name your animals.

They decided to knock my speakers off, turn on the hot water in the kitchen, toss the keyboard to the floor and then decided it would be fun to tear my flower arrangement to the floor, piece by piece.

Next they threw my internet boxes all over the floor and slung my notepad to the ground,so that, of course, Nitro could eat it. into shreds I might add.

These are not real animals obviously. Though I do not believe in Aliens, these three must have come from some strange planet I was unaware of.

They tag team, they destroy, they attack (the kitties) when you least expect it and then now they are turning the water on and running it at full blast until I can slam up here to turn it off.

Thy are all spoiled with luxuries most animals only wish for. You cannot spank a Shepherd which I would not do anyway as I believe in positive reinforcement.

Cats cannot be controlled but then, these are not cats. They are of a species that resemble cats, they purr like cats and they even let kids play with them.

I am allowed petting time when they are ready for it. Ready for it so they can allow 10 seconds before they gouge my arms.

Yes, then again, my animals are aliens, after all.

DAY SEVEN: Panic and resolving

So today was a horrible day BUT not due to panic. I must say I held up quite well considering. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. and decided to go ahead and get up. Last night I listened to binaural beats on headphones and relaxed to that.

6:00 a.m.: Dog (90 lb. Shep pup) 8 months old, decided to find a way through the downstairs gate up to the office and tore it apart AFTER taking two huge poops on the carpet.

He is fully potty trained by the way. he was mad because he did not get enough time last night playing ball.

Then he decides he wants to play out back so I let him out. I go out fifteen minutes later to see what he is up to and he has shredded my brand new pond pump and tossed it out of pond.

I bring him in and while in bathroom, he figured out stair latch and came up. I am taking him back down the stairs and he trips me twisting my foot and and my calf.

Then he decides he wants back out. He then decides to tear up and eat my flowers.

Soooo, back inside where he grabs my arm, refusing to let me unplug uverse to try and reboot it.

Then, he decides he has done enough damage and he is tired so he plops on the couch. At that point, the cat decides it is his turn and tries to knock over all of my décor on the window, breaks my glass of grape juice onto the floor while trying to play with it.

Soooo, I am surprised I did not start screaming, crying, and further pulling strands of my hair out. Yep.

Some things from mine & Caroline’s kindle ebook: The Book of Understanding L.S. Rockel

LISTEN

Close your eyes, stop your thoughts

And just listen

What do you hear? Is it voices? Is it rain?

Is it oceans waves as they rush onto the sand?

Is it cars as they bustle about on their busy day?

Maybe it is babies crying or children laughing

Dogs barking or a cat with its mellow meow.

Is it the sound of war, crime or hate?

If you listen soft enough, you will hear other sounds as well.

The unbroken symphony of the one you love

The heartbeat of angels or the song of the hurt

The anger of the broken or the whisper of goodbye.

All of the things we miss

Because we never listen. L.S. Rockel

UNENCHANTED LOVE

I feel as though I am trapped in a fortress

Trapped by your rage, unable to escape.

The walls that surround me are your hatred

And the thorns at the top are each time your bitter words

Have pierced my heart.

No flowers grow here, only weeds of destruction

Waiting to choke the last of my strength.

Inside of me, where happiness strives to live

Your vines of anger entangle my heart

Trying to destroy any joy or contentment.

I hope to break free of this prison

And smile once again.

I want to wake each day without your dark shadow hanging over me

And to laugh without feeling the punishment of your revenge.

I know one day I will become whole again.

When I do, I will become a blossoming, beautiful rose

And you will be a choking weed, dying until you find more sunlight to destroy.

L.S. Rockel

RE-BIRTH OF A BROKEN HEART

As autumn approached, leaves fell from the trees

Their colors changing to oranges, reds and brilliant yellow.

Finally, they lost all of their color and they shriveled and died.

I felt some of my heart do that the day you died.

Winter came and snow fell, still and majestically white

Yet its icy touch froze everything surrounding it.

The part of my heart that died with you froze along with it.

Then the seasons flew by and over time

Another spring came and brought with it beautiful rays of brightness.

Trees filled with new blooms and leaves

Birds sang songs of joy and restoration

And flowers bloomed in colors of brilliance.

It was then I knew I had also changed.

Where once I had felt empty, I could feel the flutter of joy.

My frozen pieces of heart began to thaw

Feeling the passion, once again, of being alive.

Just as the seasons had passed and brought new life

So was my heart reborn once again

And I could begin to live once more.   L.S. Rockel