As we all know on here, I have found myself in the middle of extreme anxiety and panic that I never dealt with before in the last year or so. If you feel like people have jumped ship on you for needing support, you are NOT alone. After years of being there for family, because I had a strong personality, I was never in need of  much help. Boy that changed with this. After many heated issues over my panic, ( I felt scared and alone so I asked for maybe some calls or text or a visit once every two weeks, maybe once a month and that was allegedly one sided they said. So I made several trips to try and work things out.

When I found myself driving home alone one night recently in this terrible weather, I was offered someone to ride back with me as I had stated several times I was having some issues seeing in night. Long story short, it went haywire. I was then informed by one of my nieces, that I was “selfish”, bringing down the family and although I HAD always been there for them, I was not supposed to expect anything or any rewards in return. Well, I have NEVER asked for ANYTHING back and this wasn’t anything other than some support and maybe a visit or two.

I was informed that I was  asking for her mother’s whole world although there were no complaints when they needed me. It was all smiles and tulips and roses. Then of course, they threw the Bible at me. Yes, I know the Bible and it does say to do and expect nothing in return. BUT if they REALLY know their bible, it also say’s to be there for your brother or sister, to help those who need you and to be a light for God. Guess they missed all of that.

SO, if you feel abandoned because you have this issue, please do not. It is NOT you, it is the fact that others just do not care unless they need something from you and then you have those who love you and will be there. As I was accused of “Play” and “drama”, if you are also, I can assure you, we know, it has nothing to do with “play” or “drama”.

However, on the up side, it changed my heart and God put a shield over it because I realized all this time I had craved the love of these people, I was wasting my time. It was only good when I was there for them. When I needed them, I was “dragging the family down”. So thankfully, since that post a few days ago, so far so good. I have learned and I am learning that it is okay to lean on God, it is okay to have issues people cannot see and it is okay to need people even if they treat you bad. Just wipe the dust off your feet, shield your heart and go on. The BIGGEST lesson I learned was who does NOT care and that was awesome for me. Now I can go and focus on life with people who do. Some of the other family who maybe cannot get here but they stand by me. Friends who saw the post and took up for me.

And when she told me how “selfish” I was , It hurt BUT I learned so many wonderful lessons and the next day was on the phone with my “blood” sister (as in blood brothers and we talked, she stood by me and I realized that some people only care when it suits them. That is helping me to get through and lot’s of prayer of course.

So, just to tell my fellow survivors of this, that we may struggle, get left by family and friends, told we are horrible but Lord Willing, we will get through. Do NOT let people tell you what I was told and believe it. IT IS NOT TRUE! We are just trying to fight this and be normal again. So, just know, someone out there DOES understand. 🙂


Anxiety & Panic: What you don’t understand

I did NOT choose this. I do not understand it. I have tried everything so far that I can to try and stop it. I never even had it until a little over a year ago. It is NOT a sympathy attempt to get people to feel sorry for you. I have NO desire for people to feel sorry for me. I was always strong before this. I have no answers as to why I have it but I do know this. And I am going to share it for those who do not understand.

Maybe it came when I got sick. Maybe not, I had been much sicker before. Maybe it came when I felt I had lost control. I had always been very specific about how I did things. Maybe it came when I lost my oldest daughter but it took a few years to set in. Ever lost a child? If not, you cannot understand what it does to your soul. Of course I appreciate and am grateful for my life, my child, my grandchildren, son in law and etc.  Maybe it. Just. Came. For whatever reason, if you think it is hard to understand, try living it.

I know God has a reason but that sadly, does not help at times when I have done everything I can think of to fight it. Do you know how hard it is to have a thing locked in your brain and there are good days and bad days. I have fallen on my knees in prayer, changed what I watch, read every book I could get my hands on, tried supplements, therapy, emotional therapy and so many other things.

Before you judge my change in personality, or my break downs or my moments of acting like I am just flat out crazy, try understanding an illness no one but me can see. Or feel. Try being there when I need you most or at least showing SOME kind of support. Try praying with me, not for me. Maybe stop by and see me. I didn’t ask for this. But I live it. I thank God for every day and I am so grateful for that. Regardless, the fear and anxiety sometimes take over and I find my self at square one. Understand before you judge. Love before you ridicule and accept there is a problem and try to help solve it instead of saying or thinking, “Get over it”. I would love to get over it. I would love to feel normal again. I would love to not have this fear. But for now, it is here. Sometimes it is fixable, sometimes it rocks me to the core. Either way, unless you have been there, you do not understand and if you had been there, you would be here in some form or fashion, whether through calls, text, visits, holding hands or showing love.

This is a journey no one would EVER ask for, I can assure you of that.

The Magic mirror of the Soul

As in all of life, we often see in the mirror of our soul, this awesome person. Doing everything great, being great and if we falter or someone gets mad it is their fault, not ours. We do all we can to be good, teat them right and try to be kind.

The problem is, that as humans, we often cannot see past our own faults because the magical mirror tells us that is never us but them. However, the reality is, that it is usually not what we think.

One, it takes two to create a problem. If there is no one arguing back, then you are arguing with yourself. When you think you are doing great in how you treat others but think it is always them or that they cannot “see” where they are wrong, then it is possible that you may be missing a look in that magical mirror that deceives you.

The gang mentality. When you form a group, whether you meant to or not, and usually you don’t even realize it, you may already have a problem. It is easy to be in a group where you all discuss the “issues” of that one person and how screwed up they are. However, maybe your “gang” should say a real prayer to help them. Then, privately, look in that magical mirror of the soul to see who you are and do a double check.

Especially if the person you are finding is suddenly so “screwed” up, is the same person who has always been there, been kind, shown love, admitted their failures and has no problem being honest with their feelings.

Either they have gone through something or maybe taken a hit in life and it has caused them such distress that it has changed how they react. So, take a look in that magical mirror the next time you get ready to flake out on someone who may just need your hand, your love, or your prayer.

LOVE & KINDNESS: Showing an Example

There are times when we have to be an example of Christ through our actions.  That means so many things. We can do it through works, we can do it through love and we can do it by not letting our  anger cause us to sin. Sometimes that is hard.  But we have to hang in there and we have to do our best by God. People may turn against you but that is not your mission. Your mission is to follow God not people.

Because it is not always popular  be an example. Why? Because sometimes, the people we may be showing Gods love to are usually not accepted by society. Or maybe they are not pleasant, nice or whatever. That is why we are here. To show them the path of light. Then, they either follow or they don’t. You just do your part and plant the seed. God takes it from there.

Remember, Faith without works is dead. So, hang in there, stay in prayer, and do not be discouraged when others turn against you. Those following Christ will not turn against you. Those who do, need to be shown an example too.


I used to think people saying things like that were just weird. It is a part of life. Well, it is but I have found that it is also true. We have to let go of toxic people or relationships that cause us stress, worry or disturb our relationship with God. We can be honest, upfront and be ourselves but those kinds of people and relationships will use it against us because of many reasons. It might be jealousy, anger with their own lives, or maybe they just don’t care about us or we just don’t have a place in their lives.

LET THEM GO. Let go of negative thoughts and replace them with something positive. Concentrate more on the good things you have, the good people, the people who care, the positive things in your life you can focus on. Spend time with prayer, meditation, music, whatever brings you joy. Your kids, grandkids, etc. Toxic people tend to be two-faced. They smile in your face and then talk about you. When you find out, you get angry and the toxin is back. Just let it go. Love from a distance.

Confide in people who want to listen because they care. Not because they cannot wait to share the juicy things you tried to confide about as soon as they hit their next house to complain, gripe and say, “Oh yeah, he/she said this or that? Can you believe it? we need to pray for them. Of course, prayer never comes into the picture but lot’s of gossip does. We all vent, and we all share our hurts, likes and desires but toxic people listen while they are storing it to use against you. REAL friendship is talking, if you believe in God actually praying about it even if you don’t do it that second.

That does not mean we cannot be human and express our feelings. Just avoid the negative people who when you are trying to do better always find a way to knock you back down after your struggle to get back up. I have been faulted for being loyal, saying that is not what Jesus did but yes, it is, he was loyal, honest, upfront and he did not back down. My mistake was letting people cause me to get angry or hurt and then getting them “back” . That comes from toxic areas. So, I think I will try and love from a distance with these kind of people, stay true to saying how I feel in my heart and being loyal even if it means I am not part of the “crowd”.


I decided to take a partial hiatus from face book. It is kind of like withdrawals on day two but good at the same time. I can share my word press blogs, my music and even check notifications. I just sift through and check to see what I choose to read. I also can get on notifications to check on my face book sites I started and make sure they are up and going as well as my church site.

It is something I read that said one of the five causes of depression can be face book. That was an eye opener. So, I decided to try it. It gives me time to get things done and I spend way much less time on face book and more time getting constructive. I am able to focus on more positive things and less negative. That is also a plus because I did not realize how much negativity is actually on face book. I have a love/hate relationship with it. lol.

So, for now, it seems to be going okay but only day two. I realized also that you can spend more time in your own “real” life and not a page where people hide who they are, build themselves up, post things totally against what they say they believe in and on the other hand, there are happy things I can view if I choose to.

It is a release and I have to make it very clear this is something for me. I am not judging anyone who is on it, who stays on it or who finds it a needed part of their life. Just a decision I chose to make. I can also post anything there without having to go there if I choose not to.

Good day everyone. May your day be blessed.


It is hard to be honest with someone. It is hard to look a person in the face and say, “You hurt me. You make me feel sad. You were cruel or mean. You avoid me and then act like you didn’t know I called or tried to reach out”.  Being honest does often win you friends. It can be done in love but your chances of keeping that person on “your” team drop drastically. Be prepared.

However, as long as you are looking into your own “spiritual” mirror, and seeing your own faults and flaws, it is okay to be honest. Too many times today we hide behind an “unseen” curtain that we feel protects us because we feel by being “honest” we might upset someone. The truth is, you might actually help someone.

None of us see ourselves as we truly are. We see ourselves in a much better light that what we actually are. That does not mean we are “bad” people, only that we need to really look at a world around us that has covered itself in an “unseen” curtain. As long as we all smile and play nice, the world is good.

But, in reality, we are living a false life. What better friend is the friend who is truly open and honest and tells the ones they love how they feel. Has it ever made me mad or upset when someone came to me in true honesty and not just lashing at me because I made them mad? Sure, it hurt or made me mad but I thought it over and the times I WAS wrong, I was honest enough to go back and say, “I am sorry. you were right”. Did I want to? Not really but that is part of removing that “unseen curtain”.

In a world of fake smiles, fake friends, and fake people, we need honesty back. It is what made the human part of us, human.