Life is not easy sometimes… But it can always be beautiful. Even when it is ugly.

Sometimes I have really,really bad days. But on those days I try hard to find beauty in something. My marigolds with their bright and multi colored schemes, the wild kittens that came from nowhere and play in those tall Marigold bushes. Yeah, I planted so many they look like bushes as opposed to individual plants. 🙂 I look at the sky and struggle to find whatever shapes i can to get my mind off the drudgery.
I also find beauty on my good days. My wonderful pets who snuggle or my cats who are aliens. I never figure them out. One minute they want to be petted and the next,they act like wild cats and pounce on me unsuspected. I smile at the joy my little Ki brings as she reads me books and tells me about her imaginary journeys from these books.
I find a smile when i look at my girls photos, one who left this earth so many years ago but her smile in that photo reminds of her life and the joy she brought us with it. My other daughter with her determination and sometimes, too much like mine stubborn yet open personality. I find joy in the catio my husband made so the pets could be protected from predators.
There is a lot of hate in this world but maybe if we can focus on the beautiful, we can get through it and live for the moment if nothing else.

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“Christians” or at least many of them in this day and time and believers…. There is a difference.

And you call yourself a Christian?
How many times have you heard someone say that? Well, My answer is. No. I call myself a believer of God and Jesus Christ. Today, I associate that word Christian with the pharisees of the Bible. Why? Because most of today’s “Christians” love if you love, they are kind if you are kind and never make a mistake. They do forgive if you beg after you have “offended” or “hurt” them but it takes a lot to get their saintly forgiveness. They love to gossip in the name of “Let’s pray for THAT one. They got issues. They like to helpful to those they choose. God forbid you have an emotional, spiritual or childhood trauma that may cause you to be “different”.
Then you are rejected (they don’t say it, they just do not speak or acknowledge your existence). They find the many specks in your eyes but not the planks blinding theirs. If you are emotionally at a weak stat and you lash out in hurt from what they wounded you with, then YOU are the “Monster” who needs help. Saints like these people cannot possibly have that toxin in their lives. Well, “Christians”, here is what the Bible says. Maybe you review your scripture a little better because churches are failing with the onslaught of perfect “Christians”. Try out these verses:

Matthew 6:9-15
1 John 1:9-10
Matthew 6:14-15
Luke 17:3-4
Ephesians 4:31-32
Matthew 5:43-48 43″You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Luke 6:27-36
bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. “But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men. “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, read more.
“Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either. “Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back. “Treat others the same way you want them to treat you. “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. “If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. “If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount. “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.

Romans 12:14-21
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly Do not be wise in your own estimation
So, I left some Bible verses to be read because most will not even read them. So, For me, I am a believer and a follower of God who fails everyday but I forgive, I love, I try and I am human.

Keep Believing in us…. The Beautiful person is there…… Just running from the fear.

Kudos to all you wonderful people who are there for those who are anxious, depressed or have panic. We ARE still the same people but we are just trapped in a prison we have no idea how to escape from. But there are good days too when the light shines through. Fight or Flight? Easier said than done when the fear of sadness hits. Me? I run when it is bad or at least my brain does. When I fight it then that is usually when I lash out to protect myself.
Oddly, I identify with children and animals and they ease my fear and pain. I am often best when someone else is in a state of whatever and I am calm and I help them. But, often during the fight as opposed to flight, I am bold like the old me and I stand up for myself against the people who condemn me me. Often those who claim to love and follow the scripture. They might want to read some of that again.
Either way, for those who stand by us and BELIEVE in us, THANK YOU is not enough, even if we may not show it.

Life is not always a ray of sunshine but it is the Sunshine of love that can help a person suffering or a cloud of rejection that can destroy.

Another long journey of people upset or mad or hurt because I reacted differently than I should. They are right that they do not understand but the way to help is to accept what makes me “strange” to them and maybe try and understand instead of turning their backs and saying, “We don’t deserve this”. Well, I don’t either but here I am. I spent my life until 3 and a half years ago trying to help people, animals, family, friends, etc. until the trauma I guess from the last few years or something from my childhood gave me anxiety, depression and panic attacks. I have an issue but I am not mentally ill only emotionally traumatized by the power of anxiety. The worst reaction I can get is being disowned again. I am not a bad person but I do see some things differently. I just don’t play roles. I am who I am. Loved by very many isn’t one of them. The bridge is easier to cross if someone is there holding your hand.

The difficult life of Anxiety….. Why we feel alone.

They will never understand. They will never try to understand or they just can’t. Depression, anxiety, panic, alone or the feeling of it, is not contagious. But here we are, one day doing great and the next, falling apart. We try and struggle. Do they think we chose this or understand why we are going through it all? It is like a pit viper who catches you off guard when you stumble upon it.
We never asked for this and God knows we battle the demons that seek us out. We laugh through the pain, we cry alone and we search for anything to help us to get through. We seek love and acceptance from those who refuse to see that we ARE different and we NEED to be understood or at least loved through dark moments.
But sometimes, if people cannot see an illness, they do not get it. But most of all, in this world today, we have to be happy, smiling and ready to be “cured” because life is about being perfect. No, life is about reality and accepting that someone you love may be different because Life has made them different through different circumstances. We just need people to say hey, maybe I do not understand but here, let me hold your hand so you know you are not alone in this battle.

Sometimes I wonder what you might have been like today. For us moms who lost our babies before or shortly after birth.

I do not talk about you much at all. My little 1 pound 15 ounce baby boy Paul Ryan. It is not because I am ashamed but because the pain is so great of never knowing who you might have become. You lived two days before a vessel in your brain bled out. You were beautiful. And my only son that I know of.
After you, I had your sister Nikki and she was 3 pounds and 14 ounces and she lived to be 23 when she was taken from us in a car accident and that was another time my heart was torn. Then I kept trying and I had many two month pregnancies before your baby brother or sister ( I never knew) just didn’t make it. Time to dream but not enough time to know. Finally, I had your youngest sister, Amber and she is fine and has a little one of her own now.
But, you and Nikki and your unknown siblings are in Heaven. It hurts when I think of her and when I think of you. I guess it hurts more with you and Nikki because I saw you, I touched you, I kissed your faces. That doesn’t mean those I never met didn’t hurt though. I am so blessed to have one of you left here with me and I have so much joy from that and my little grand child of love.
I wish I could have watched you grow, play, laugh and see what it was like for a son of mine to become a man. But, I hold your little face in my heart and I love you all. I just sometimes wonder what my little boy would be like today. I love you Paul Ryan.