I am so stunned. My mind and body are numb. Kandice (your other best friend)came over as soon as I called her to tell her it might be you. She is in shock. I do not need meds because now I know what being in shock is. It is unreal. I cannot think. Kandice is checking myspace to see. Everyone here is in shock but trying to help. Mom is sending Cricket. She simply cannot bear it.
Mom Nana is here and Papa. Granny is keeping everything together God bless them all and Robyn and Aunt Donna and Aunt Sandy and Aunt Sherry are all in tears. The cousins are trying to be brave for your sister. I am in my room staring at the wall.
Just staring. I am rocking back and forth because i do not know how I am going to do this but I have to. You have a sister who needs my love and her mom too. I am just in a state of pure catatonic shock.
I cry and cry and cry. You , it just cannot be you. Not the one who always made us laugh who loved life and who brought joy to everyone she met. Who made friends out of enemies. Robyn said cousin Stephen called and he cannot come. he is building a ship but he got the approval to carve your name and information into it.
So many people loved you. Your Tennessee family is coming. You always feared turning 30 but you were afraid of dying. Ironically, last week, and why didn’t I catch it? You said you believed in Heaven again so you were not scared anymore. We know now it was you. But if any consolation can be found in this it is that you were killed instantly. You left us before that car blew up. Oh dear God, this pain, this emptiness where my love for you was. I do not know what I am going to do. Nothing can take away the pain. Your sissy popped in and sat beside me. I held her and we cried and cried. I keep thinking maybe you were not in that car and this is all a bad dream but now I know it is real. Kandice said Joel and your friend Tigs from Australia have been calling. All of your myspace friends are writing but I guess she is handling it. I just cannot right now. I can’t.
WHAT day is it? I don’t know, don’t care. I am writing on a napkin so I do not have to go downstairs around anyone. Granny and nana forced me to eat but I almost threw it up. No t.v. or music is allowed right now because those were what you loved so much. Oh dear god. I am so sorry for all the ways I have failed you and your baby sister even if she is not a baby anymore. I must have done something really wrong for this to happen. I keep waiting for you to walk in the door, look around and laugh and say, “Heeeey ya’ll! I just got lost. I’m sorry. My bad.” And then you will smile.
I went through the next day, calling and thinking maybe you were trying to be a grown adult so you were not trying to get to a home phone but in my heart I knew. I had known since it happened I think that you were in that car wreck but my heart could not accept it. Finally, that evening, your sister called and said “Mom, did you check the hospitals?” I said, “No, but let me call her friend’s dad”. I didn’t want to call. I ask Dan to call her friends dad but I was scared. I whispered, “God, please let it be okay, please”. I heard Dan tell the dad, “No man, just hit me up? What is going on?” Then he came back into the room and fell to his knees. I knew.
It was her in the wreck but we were not allowed to be notified because only one person was thrown out of the car. It had somehow jumped the median from one side of the interstate to the other and was hit by an SUV. Then it rolled off to the side of the road and according to a witness, it exploded. Anyone inside the car was not able to be identified so we were not allowed to be called. Only that father. I went numb. I called your sister and told her to put her boyfriend on the phone. I asked him to bring her home. I knew from the girl who was thrown from the car that it was you. The dad said everyone was killed.
Someone called the family. People started coming. I think I was in a state of shock. All I remember the rest of that day was talking briefly to our moms and your dad’s mom who was telling me she was coming the next morning. I know people came and I know your sister was talking to people and Dan was and your friend from two streets over was there but that is it until the 19th. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I went and sat in your room and I cried.
February 19th. 2007
I am writing on a crap piece of paper I found and I am crying. I cannot do this. I cannot do this. I feel like I cannot breathe. I am crying so bad I think I will never stop. I miss you so much. You were the one in our family who kept us laughing. You looked at everything with hope and it was always, “It’s all good mom, and Where id the love?” when I got upset. You loved your sister like nothing else in this world. You loved people. You loved life. You loved Dan like he was your dad. You simply cannot be gone.
Granny came and your dad’s family is trying to help find out the facts. Your cousin that you are closest in age to is crying, your sister has been crying and so many but I cannot help them. Your cousin in Afghanistan called and he is crying because they won’t let him come home. Dear God, this cannot be real. It is all a very bad dream. Your Aunts and Uncles, cousins, grandparents, sister, Dan. All here Even your dad and his family. I am in house full of people but I am ALONE. So alone. I miss you so much. I cannot believe this is real.
We build walls around our lives and our hearts but sometimes it is okay to cry. Sometimes our hearts need the release of just letting it all out and letting it go. We live in a beautiful but harsh world where it seems to make you appear weak if you cry but you are not. You are strong and crying is an emotion of strength.
We have to face so many battles and obstacles that it can be a heavy load to bear and to constantly smile through it all, well kudos to those who can. I am just too human and open for all of that. I am strong willed, determined, but man, sometimes i just have to let it all out and have a good cry.
I feel such a release after. I pray, I live right the best I can, I try to do right by others, I pick my battles but life can be tough. So I just hope there are others like me who know that at times, a good old fashioned cry down is the cure for healing.
Life can be so beautiful and yet so ugly.
Love, happiness, babies. marriage, friendship, family,adoption, playing, running, adventures, prayers, reading, painting, writing, flowers, trees, the four seasons, the pureness of snow, the laughter of a child.
Bills, stress, death of a child, burdens, anxiety, hatred, racism, divorce, affairs, riots, abuse of children and women, burning our flag, killing, using people, destroying.
Something so beautiful and yet so ugly
I love them both because their love is unconditional, they are resilient, they love back, they are there no matter how many times you think you are devoting time with them when really you are just trying to keep them occupied so you can get something done. And the sad thing is, some are abused and yet they still love you. Those my heart cries for.
They are funny, happy to see you, willing to forgive, loyal and they are sweet souls. I know in our generation and the teens in this day, though not all by any means but quite a few are now selfish,spoiled all about themselves and not very nice with almost no respect.
BUT there are still plenty like the above I mentioned. Dogs and the children who are still not spoiled brats , on the other hand, never change toward their masters or parents, unless they get rabies but still you get my point. No matter what you do to them, no matter how little time you have for them they always are there for you.
That is why I love dogs and children. Actually, I love all of the animal, mammal, bird etc. kingdom but dogs are in a different zone.
We are in a Revolution America and racism and dividing us according to our races is pulling us apart. We need to unit as Americans. Why hate me because I am black, white, asian, latino, or any other race? We NEED to unite!
When it all comes down to the bottom line, we can work as a unit to help this Country and we can overcome anything thrown at us. But if we allow the media to continue to turn us against each other then we are in trouble.
We are all one nation, under God. We are allowing the media and our own personal feelings to cause us to turn on each other. The excuses of bad officers as an excuse for turning on each other is no excuse. There are good and bad people no matter what their profession or race. So let’s stop doing this and come together as a Country. United we WILL stand but DIVIDED we will fall.
The life of a grandparent can be funny, happy, difficult and it falls into so many categories that is hard to name them all. But one rings out. Joy. Your baby has a baby now. Then maybe another and another and another and whether you have one child or ten, most will have those beautiful little aliens we cal grandchildren.
So different, so unique, so beautiful and yet so different from having a child. Your child. NOW, you are on the sidelines, watching your child raise theirs and hoping you taught them all the right things but this or these little ones you love so much. But your role of raising is over so now you watch.
The joy of a grand parent is we for the most part, get to spoil and love this group. It is no longer our job to sweat it out on how to be sure they grow up right because we don’t have that option. So we love, cuddle and try to be a positive happy force in their life.
You also have different kinds of grandparents. Some cannot get enough (me) and some want to love and enjoy but now it is their time to do what they want to do so they do it. Vacations, lunches, and etc. etc. That is cool too. They have that right. The not so great grandparents who act like their kid never had a kid, so it is not their job to help or really do anything but see the grandchild occasionally.
Some of us cringe when they get disciplined. Yes, we had to do it but we feel powerless seeing this tiny creature have to be disciplined for their actions. We see our mistakes with our kids in some of the parenting our kids do to theirs. Then we feel the guilt or pride, depending on how well they do with our little “peeps”. Regardless it is a whole new world no matter how you approach it and it is a whole new part of our lives. As for me, I love it. I love my little “peeps” and I love watching them grow. I hope all grandparents feel the same.