My daughter loved all Holidays but her favorite were Valentines day and halloween. She LOVED them. It is especially hard because she died three days after valentines day. It makes it hard to celebrate this day but I still send or text or call out Happy Valentines day to others. I didn’t for a long time but now I can.
It used to cause severe panic attacks and long bouts of crying. I cried this morning but I was able to tone it down. I will probably play songs for her today but maybe I won’t. I don’t know yet. I know I keep a candy heart for her and I go and look at her picture. She loved life and from that I try to do the same.
I value everyone in my life, I love them and I am so very grateful for the sweet people who think of me on this day and call, text or message. they do not realize how much it means. So, Nikki, Happy Valentines to your smile, your memory, your laughter and the love you never failed to show me and tell me. I will love you. Always. Love, Mom
Yep, that’s right. When Life throws you lemons, brew a cup of coffee or tea. Sit down and sip the good strong taste. I am not a laid back guru type but I do meditate sometimes. Just to get away from it all. I find music soothing and when life turns sour, I have to do something to control the hot temper I am known to have.
I am very outspoken and I am not one that can easily curb my tongue but I do try. Sooooooo, I try to find ways when life throws a curve to boomerang it back so I can smile and act like the smiling sweet and calm person I am often not. Since I have anxiety this is VERY important. I will overthink why there is a reason my egg yolk busted. There must be someone cursing me that day. hahaha.
So, I guess I am trying to encourage those of us who can get discouraged easily to find ways to fight back without killing someone. I wouldn’t think that would be a very good idea. So, remember throw that lemon in the trash and get to brewing.
I am the dreaded “uncool” mom. Whether your kids are young or adults, many of us will be the “uncool” mom. Other friends parents, or step parents or even relatives will be the ones who party, or hang out, or just are the “Good time” buddies. I do not go shopping, I do not do the late night hang outs (though if the invite comes along, I might do that a few times).
No, my children did not tell me this and I actually have a fine relationship with them and I adore my grandchildren. But I know that I am not the “Cool” mom everyone wants to have. But I am a great mom that many people wish they could have.
I am there whenever I am needed if I can be there, I love them unconditionally, I stop to help no matter what is going on if I am able.
I go to Grandparent’s day, activities, help with things at school and fund raisers. I am also quick to let them know how much they mean to me and how much I love them. The “cool” moms are sometimes too busy being cool to do all of the things that great moms take the time to do. NOT to say all cool moms do not this because they are on a list I cannot compete with because they are cool AND do what I do.
But us “uncool” moms need to be okay with what we are and who we are. I may not be the “life” of the party but I am funny, I joke, I laugh, I cry, I try to be up with things but sometimes I am more worried with being there than how my make-up looks or how nice I am dressed. You are more likely to see me in sweats, hair pulled up, looking around for the best deal on stuff for the grandkids and making sure my kids are okay.
So kudos to all of the “Cool” moms who can do all of this and still be the best ever. I admire you. But I also admire us “uncool” moms who have the most beautiful hearts and who love, go out of our way and find more happiness in what we can do to be there as opposed to being “cool”.
There are some people who love in silence. They are there when you need them, they come through as much as they can. They try to be there and they always support you. But they do have to acknowledge it though sometimes it would be nice to see they are loved.
They seldom are mentioned and they are usually the last ones to be put on a page to say thank you or I love you for being there but they still are. Because their love is deep. Their love means doing whatever it takes to try and show how much they love. They are the ones you turn to when others turn away. They define real love.
So to those of you who are of the silence group, Thank you. For being there, for never giving up, for knowing you always love no matter what. Because your love shows more purity than any of the ones who are put on a throne.
I am so stunned. My mind and body are numb. Kandice (your other best friend)came over as soon as I called her to tell her it might be you. She is in shock. I do not need meds because now I know what being in shock is. It is unreal. I cannot think. Kandice is checking myspace to see. Everyone here is in shock but trying to help. Mom is sending Cricket. She simply cannot bear it.
Mom Nana is here and Papa. Granny is keeping everything together God bless them all and Robyn and Aunt Donna and Aunt Sandy and Aunt Sherry are all in tears. The cousins are trying to be brave for your sister. I am in my room staring at the wall.
Just staring. I am rocking back and forth because i do not know how I am going to do this but I have to. You have a sister who needs my love and her mom too. I am just in a state of pure catatonic shock.
I cry and cry and cry. You , it just cannot be you. Not the one who always made us laugh who loved life and who brought joy to everyone she met. Who made friends out of enemies. Robyn said cousin Stephen called and he cannot come. he is building a ship but he got the approval to carve your name and information into it.
So many people loved you. Your Tennessee family is coming. You always feared turning 30 but you were afraid of dying. Ironically, last week, and why didn’t I catch it? You said you believed in Heaven again so you were not scared anymore. We know now it was you. But if any consolation can be found in this it is that you were killed instantly. You left us before that car blew up. Oh dear God, this pain, this emptiness where my love for you was. I do not know what I am going to do. Nothing can take away the pain. Your sissy popped in and sat beside me. I held her and we cried and cried. I keep thinking maybe you were not in that car and this is all a bad dream but now I know it is real. Kandice said Joel and your friend Tigs from Australia have been calling. All of your myspace friends are writing but I guess she is handling it. I just cannot right now. I can’t.
WHAT day is it? I don’t know, don’t care. I am writing on a napkin so I do not have to go downstairs around anyone. Granny and nana forced me to eat but I almost threw it up. No t.v. or music is allowed right now because those were what you loved so much. Oh dear god. I am so sorry for all the ways I have failed you and your baby sister even if she is not a baby anymore. I must have done something really wrong for this to happen. I keep waiting for you to walk in the door, look around and laugh and say, “Heeeey ya’ll! I just got lost. I’m sorry. My bad.” And then you will smile.
I went through the next day, calling and thinking maybe you were trying to be a grown adult so you were not trying to get to a home phone but in my heart I knew. I had known since it happened I think that you were in that car wreck but my heart could not accept it. Finally, that evening, your sister called and said “Mom, did you check the hospitals?” I said, “No, but let me call her friend’s dad”. I didn’t want to call. I ask Dan to call her friends dad but I was scared. I whispered, “God, please let it be okay, please”. I heard Dan tell the dad, “No man, just hit me up? What is going on?” Then he came back into the room and fell to his knees. I knew.
It was her in the wreck but we were not allowed to be notified because only one person was thrown out of the car. It had somehow jumped the median from one side of the interstate to the other and was hit by an SUV. Then it rolled off to the side of the road and according to a witness, it exploded. Anyone inside the car was not able to be identified so we were not allowed to be called. Only that father. I went numb. I called your sister and told her to put her boyfriend on the phone. I asked him to bring her home. I knew from the girl who was thrown from the car that it was you. The dad said everyone was killed.
Someone called the family. People started coming. I think I was in a state of shock. All I remember the rest of that day was talking briefly to our moms and your dad’s mom who was telling me she was coming the next morning. I know people came and I know your sister was talking to people and Dan was and your friend from two streets over was there but that is it until the 19th. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I went and sat in your room and I cried.
February 19th. 2007
I am writing on a crap piece of paper I found and I am crying. I cannot do this. I cannot do this. I feel like I cannot breathe. I am crying so bad I think I will never stop. I miss you so much. You were the one in our family who kept us laughing. You looked at everything with hope and it was always, “It’s all good mom, and Where id the love?” when I got upset. You loved your sister like nothing else in this world. You loved people. You loved life. You loved Dan like he was your dad. You simply cannot be gone.
Granny came and your dad’s family is trying to help find out the facts. Your cousin that you are closest in age to is crying, your sister has been crying and so many but I cannot help them. Your cousin in Afghanistan called and he is crying because they won’t let him come home. Dear God, this cannot be real. It is all a very bad dream. Your Aunts and Uncles, cousins, grandparents, sister, Dan. All here Even your dad and his family. I am in house full of people but I am ALONE. So alone. I miss you so much. I cannot believe this is real.
We build walls around our lives and our hearts but sometimes it is okay to cry. Sometimes our hearts need the release of just letting it all out and letting it go. We live in a beautiful but harsh world where it seems to make you appear weak if you cry but you are not. You are strong and crying is an emotion of strength.
We have to face so many battles and obstacles that it can be a heavy load to bear and to constantly smile through it all, well kudos to those who can. I am just too human and open for all of that. I am strong willed, determined, but man, sometimes i just have to let it all out and have a good cry.
I feel such a release after. I pray, I live right the best I can, I try to do right by others, I pick my battles but life can be tough. So I just hope there are others like me who know that at times, a good old fashioned cry down is the cure for healing.