It has been 12 years today since you left us. I thought this year was going to be easier that before years because I had not been crying as much but I woke in tears this morning. Just that quick. But it is what it is. I guess my philosophy on it is that it is the life of a parent who has lost a child or children and I have lost two. But it is just weird how some years I got through with laughter, most with tears but still I would thing ok all the blessings I DO have and that she never suffered and that she is probably happier now. But like one guy said the other day, “When people say God needed another angel, that is great until yours is taken.” Just a tough day I guess. Love to all of us who have lost our children.
I still think of my youngest daughter as my baby. Even though she is grown, after the loss of her sister and brother years before I often find myself forgetting she is grown now and her own person. Of course, yes, I do know. I do not ACTUALLY forget but I just go back in time and think of when she was young. It takes becoming a mom and then watching your child grow up to realize why we never see them as grown.
I do not talk about you much at all. My little 1 pound 15 ounce baby boy Paul Ryan. It is not because I am ashamed but because the pain is so great of never knowing who you might have become. You lived two days before a vessel in your brain bled out. You were beautiful. And my only son that I know of.
After you, I had your sister Nikki and she was 3 pounds and 14 ounces and she lived to be 23 when she was taken from us in a car accident and that was another time my heart was torn. Then I kept trying and I had many two month pregnancies before your baby brother or sister ( I never knew) just didn’t make it. Time to dream but not enough time to know. Finally, I had your youngest sister, Amber and she is fine and has a little one of her own now.
But, you and Nikki and your unknown siblings are in Heaven. It hurts when I think of her and when I think of you. I guess it hurts more with you and Nikki because I saw you, I touched you, I kissed your faces. That doesn’t mean those I never met didn’t hurt though. I am so blessed to have one of you left here with me and I have so much joy from that and my little grand child of love.
I wish I could have watched you grow, play, laugh and see what it was like for a son of mine to become a man. But, I hold your little face in my heart and I love you all. I just sometimes wonder what my little boy would be like today. I love you Paul Ryan.
I am so confused. I am a good person, I think. I just do not understand why so many people have turned away and just ignore me. I am always trying to help, come when needed, and I used to do anything and still do that I could to help. I baked all of the family Birthday cakes and on and on.
However, when I got this panic disorder a few years ago is when it started. I reached out to family and friends to see if anyone could come by or text or pray or just come sit for a couple of hours. I had one friend who came, a sister who came when my husband called and I do have some family I connect with but I was cursed, told I was trying to take advantage of them and that being kind and helping them did NOT mean I was supposed to expect ANYTHING in return.
Needless to say, that hurt. But if I am such a good person and people will not answer my fb post or textes or etc. I can only figure maybe it is because I am outspoken? I am a person who believes it is better to be honest than to be two- faced or like many people now, just be fake, smile, say everything is fine when deep down, they are suffering.
Then the people who want to be friends or close family but only if you agree with everything and never say a word about your issues or if you do, you have to be in awe with their solution and do it or they shun me. If one sister in particular is upset with me, anyone around her ends up not speaking to me. I was also bitter for a while when my daughter died but this year marked 11 years and for anyone who has lost a child, it still hurts. Of COURSE you go on but it hurts. I had five family members contact me to say they were thinking of me and I have a HUGE family.
We were always a close family until my daughter died and then the family got more critical of me each year. I am no saint by any means and I am sure my being outspoken does NOT help but is it me or them? Am I that bad?
Winter break and I have the kids. My gbaby and “adopted” gbaby. Well, we kind of all adopted each other but she feels like we are nonna and Papa and we feel the same. Kudos to all those moms who work and have kids! OMGOSH! How do they do it? I mean, do NOT get me wrong. Stay at home moms work just as hard as I am now realizing. They have been PERFECT and I am loving every minute but I realize just how much it takes!
I worked a lot when mine were growing up because I had to. But being here with these two, I am thinking, wow! These moms, one of them my daughter, work all day, come home, clean, take care of the kids, get stuff ready and then, i assume fall exhausted into bed and do it all again. I am just here with the girls and it is go,go,go right here at the house. Like I said, I LOVE it but it is a very time consuming job.
I could not imagine doing this and working especially if there are toddlers. Mine were six years apart. But one child or seven both are jobs within jobs. I am so glad I have these two who are so sweet and cause me very little if any problems but golly, it is a tough job. Just making sure they are okay and breakfast and lunch and then dinner and baths, and during school homework and activities and these moms are working on TOP of it all. In a perfect world, ALL moms could stay home but it is not a perfect world so some have to work away and some have to work at home.
So, like I said, I totally admire and know stay at home moms are just as tired but I have to give an extra shout out to the working away from home moms! I don’t know how you do it but wow, kudos to you ALL!
My daughter loved all Holidays but her favorite were Valentines day and halloween. She LOVED them. It is especially hard because she died three days after valentines day. It makes it hard to celebrate this day but I still send or text or call out Happy Valentines day to others. I didn’t for a long time but now I can.
It used to cause severe panic attacks and long bouts of crying. I cried this morning but I was able to tone it down. I will probably play songs for her today but maybe I won’t. I don’t know yet. I know I keep a candy heart for her and I go and look at her picture. She loved life and from that I try to do the same.
I value everyone in my life, I love them and I am so very grateful for the sweet people who think of me on this day and call, text or message. they do not realize how much it means. So, Nikki, Happy Valentines to your smile, your memory, your laughter and the love you never failed to show me and tell me. I will love you. Always. Love, Mom
Yep, that’s right. When Life throws you lemons, brew a cup of coffee or tea. Sit down and sip the good strong taste. I am not a laid back guru type but I do meditate sometimes. Just to get away from it all. I find music soothing and when life turns sour, I have to do something to control the hot temper I am known to have.
I am very outspoken and I am not one that can easily curb my tongue but I do try. Sooooooo, I try to find ways when life throws a curve to boomerang it back so I can smile and act like the smiling sweet and calm person I am often not. Since I have anxiety this is VERY important. I will overthink why there is a reason my egg yolk busted. There must be someone cursing me that day. hahaha.
So, I guess I am trying to encourage those of us who can get discouraged easily to find ways to fight back without killing someone. I wouldn’t think that would be a very good idea. So, remember throw that lemon in the trash and get to brewing.
I am the dreaded “uncool” mom. Whether your kids are young or adults, many of us will be the “uncool” mom. Other friends parents, or step parents or even relatives will be the ones who party, or hang out, or just are the “Good time” buddies. I do not go shopping, I do not do the late night hang outs (though if the invite comes along, I might do that a few times).
No, my children did not tell me this and I actually have a fine relationship with them and I adore my grandchildren. But I know that I am not the “Cool” mom everyone wants to have. But I am a great mom that many people wish they could have.
I am there whenever I am needed if I can be there, I love them unconditionally, I stop to help no matter what is going on if I am able.
I go to Grandparent’s day, activities, help with things at school and fund raisers. I am also quick to let them know how much they mean to me and how much I love them. The “cool” moms are sometimes too busy being cool to do all of the things that great moms take the time to do. NOT to say all cool moms do not this because they are on a list I cannot compete with because they are cool AND do what I do.
But us “uncool” moms need to be okay with what we are and who we are. I may not be the “life” of the party but I am funny, I joke, I laugh, I cry, I try to be up with things but sometimes I am more worried with being there than how my make-up looks or how nice I am dressed. You are more likely to see me in sweats, hair pulled up, looking around for the best deal on stuff for the grandkids and making sure my kids are okay.
So kudos to all of the “Cool” moms who can do all of this and still be the best ever. I admire you. But I also admire us “uncool” moms who have the most beautiful hearts and who love, go out of our way and find more happiness in what we can do to be there as opposed to being “cool”.
There are some people who love in silence. They are there when you need them, they come through as much as they can. They try to be there and they always support you. But they do have to acknowledge it though sometimes it would be nice to see they are loved.
They seldom are mentioned and they are usually the last ones to be put on a page to say thank you or I love you for being there but they still are. Because their love is deep. Their love means doing whatever it takes to try and show how much they love. They are the ones you turn to when others turn away. They define real love.
So to those of you who are of the silence group, Thank you. For being there, for never giving up, for knowing you always love no matter what. Because your love shows more purity than any of the ones who are put on a throne.
I am so stunned. My mind and body are numb. Kandice (your other best friend)came over as soon as I called her to tell her it might be you. She is in shock. I do not need meds because now I know what being in shock is. It is unreal. I cannot think. Kandice is checking myspace to see. Everyone here is in shock but trying to help. Mom is sending Cricket. She simply cannot bear it.
Mom Nana is here and Papa. Granny is keeping everything together God bless them all and Robyn and Aunt Donna and Aunt Sandy and Aunt Sherry are all in tears. The cousins are trying to be brave for your sister. I am in my room staring at the wall.
Just staring. I am rocking back and forth because i do not know how I am going to do this but I have to. You have a sister who needs my love and her mom too. I am just in a state of pure catatonic shock.
I cry and cry and cry. You , it just cannot be you. Not the one who always made us laugh who loved life and who brought joy to everyone she met. Who made friends out of enemies. Robyn said cousin Stephen called and he cannot come. he is building a ship but he got the approval to carve your name and information into it.
So many people loved you. Your Tennessee family is coming. You always feared turning 30 but you were afraid of dying. Ironically, last week, and why didn’t I catch it? You said you believed in Heaven again so you were not scared anymore. We know now it was you. But if any consolation can be found in this it is that you were killed instantly. You left us before that car blew up. Oh dear God, this pain, this emptiness where my love for you was. I do not know what I am going to do. Nothing can take away the pain. Your sissy popped in and sat beside me. I held her and we cried and cried. I keep thinking maybe you were not in that car and this is all a bad dream but now I know it is real. Kandice said Joel and your friend Tigs from Australia have been calling. All of your myspace friends are writing but I guess she is handling it. I just cannot right now. I can’t.
WHAT day is it? I don’t know, don’t care. I am writing on a napkin so I do not have to go downstairs around anyone. Granny and nana forced me to eat but I almost threw it up. No t.v. or music is allowed right now because those were what you loved so much. Oh dear god. I am so sorry for all the ways I have failed you and your baby sister even if she is not a baby anymore. I must have done something really wrong for this to happen. I keep waiting for you to walk in the door, look around and laugh and say, “Heeeey ya’ll! I just got lost. I’m sorry. My bad.” And then you will smile.