Why?……. Choices……

WHY? I sometimes ask myself that question. Often, actually. Why I chose to continue to listen to things said to me as a child. I would never be good enough, I was ugly, I caused problems, I was the reason people did bad things and on and on. I was just a kid. But as I was growing up, those thoughts that were seeded started to grow. On the outside, I seemed to be strong and confidant. On the inside I was a disaster waiting to happen.

And one day, it did happen. all of that negativity set in after the death of my second child. Walls inside started to crumble. A strong mind started to shift. I quit being honest. I just kind of fell apart. I caved in to all the thoughts and the toxic talk. My brain accepted it and I fell. Anxiety set in, doubts, fears and so much.

Now, after a lot of Prayer, Meditation, therapy, and positive thoughts I am starting to climb the crumbled wall of my mind back up to the top. Back to the Sun. I know i will rise above this fear and anxiety. it may take time but it took time to get there. Above all, I ask myself WHY did it take so long to realize those words were painful but not true. I don’t know. But as long as I am trying, I guess it does not matter. NEVER let someone’s toxic words or ways come into your head. It destroys. BUT, you can recover if you learn to stop believing them.

I took a break from al of the election junk… or so I thought…

I only planned on taking a few days away from any social but I ended up really really sick. I got Covid tested with rapid test. I went to doc next test day when it was negative. they said Acute Bronchitis. I have had that before. This, whatever this is was way different and I am still battling it but it is not just Bronchitis. Either way, I am here, grateful to be up after so many days in bed. Still sick but up. That is a start.

2020 has been tough…. But I have learned some things from it…

I have learned…

To love more openly. To give more freely. To not let my Empath wires go crazy. That anxiety can be handled sometimes even when it is extreme. That is not easy but it can happen. To find some of my past interest and work on them. To appreciate. To hope. To try and reach out where I used to cling to aloneness. To laugh more, to fight harder. That I love my Country. To work harder on Yoga and prayer and meditation. To live.

Things I am learning daily about my Anxiety during this Pandemic…..

I am blessed in many ways. I have to focus on the positive not the negative. I can enjoy some time in the Sun.  Do not allow myself to overthink every. single. thing. Refocus on something that I am blessed with. Do NOT allow other people who knows what triggers my anxiety and uses it to make me anxious. Realize it is not my fault if they are angry or spiteful. Just know that, own the reality of it and go on. Realize that I am probably fine health wise. If not, I am doing my best to get checked but there are some areas where I cannot go and get things that are on hold done. So I am not being careless, I just cannot have it done. Contact people who need comfort or someone to say that I care. Let go of the constant depressing news popping up everywhere and avoid it. There is NOTHING I can do for all of it but stay strong about my beliefs on some of it. Just enjoy the fact that it could always be worse and if it gets worse, do what I can because that is all I can do. That is just a few of the things but I they helping even if just enough to get me through the day! Have a good day/night fellow bloggers!

 

Still waiting for results… Quarantine is weird but I have been doing it for a while… Just not this much..

I am used to being alone for long periods of no company or etc. But this quarantine of going no where and seeing no one except my husband it can drive you nuts. But I am trying to work on doing more positive things. I have done so much outside it is useless but too hot right now anyway. I have turned to trying my photography and painting again along with exercise and other things. I have started watching movies again. I went almost a year with very little interaction with the telly! Sooooo, if you are locked in, just try and find something that you never had time for before or couldn’t do because you were busy!

Well the Zombie deer have arrived in many of our States….lol.. I have heard of a new species of Dragonfly. lol……..

Actually they have been around for a while. Similar to mad cow disease but now they are saying humans can contract it from their urine, etc. etc. and of course by eating them. But it cautions mainly hunters and say’s to watch for the signs of a Zombie type walk and stuff like that. So, I am waiting anxiously for the Dinosaur eggs. I think maybe I will select a one of those tiny ones that group together but I will just have one. Kind of like a baby lizard. lol. Or maybe next we will have a new version of dragonflies. I posted a pic here of the alleged toxic blue lone Dragonfly of the Amazon. lol. No, just a joke pic I made. I have to do something. so I am creating my own monsters. lol. I think I might need some interaction with another human or two. Have a great day/night fellow bloggers!

One of those 4 hour sleep nights…When the brain is in overdrive….

I just could NOT sleep. My brain was in over drive and I could not stop focusing on everything going on and then why we cannot all unite. Then my mind was on what I needed to clean. That was an hour or so. Then I was thinking about who was mad, why they were mad and how to resolve any conflicts so we could all function as a Tribe. (people I know). lol. Then I was worried about whether someone might think about the flowers I planted. They look a bit chaotic. And of course, then I would re-think some more on the dumbest stuff. Needless to say, I scored four hours. Only because I passed out. lol. Have a great day/night fellow bloggers.

I am dealing with anxiety….. And had a Panic attack yesterday…. Frustrated….

I am trying hard to battle this and I have not had a panic attack, an actual panic attack in two years. So much is going on that I Am not sure if it was the stress of worrying, quarantine for so long, or just life in general but it went away after ice compression and breathing. Almost had another this morning. For those of us who live it, it is so hard to do so good and then, BOOM, out of nowhere it comes. It is just mind over all of it and I know that but on top of it I am dealing with people who just do not care and it is just hard. I have some family support (so blessed) but like the loss of a child, you have to live it to understand it and they are trying hard. Hugs and/ or prayers to all of us who have it. Have a great day/evening fellow bloggers!

Today is a much better day…..I am trying to stay Pro-Positive. Some Prayer, some Yoga, Meditation through music and more……

I made a mixture of calming essential oils and also used my essential oil recipe for any pain. I did some Yoga and I prayed about life. I used my Meditation with some soothing music. Then I stepped outside to a full breeze fresh with beautiful clean smells and enjoyed the sun as I checked on my planted flower seeds to gauge their growth. Now I am going to do some things around the house and just try to stay busy and enjoy blessings. Hugs to you all!

I wish upon a Star tonight….

I just pray and wish this Virus could go away. I wish we could all learn from this and I hope we do. I wish that we all learn more about helping the lonely who are always isolated because they have no one, for those who are living with anxious minds I wish that we could all learn how to understand how hard that is. I know. I live it. I wish that somehow, we will all unite together and learn what love is again. I wish upon a star that we, from now on, will enjoy the fresh air, the beauty of the oceans, the joy of laughter and that we can all learn from this Virus how very blessed we have really been.