Life as we knew it…..

Life as our family knew it is gone but not the memories. We have lost our daughter, a son and a nephew at 13 to cancer. But we still have the memories and the love. We still have the photos that it has only been recently that we can look and actually smile at just how wonderful they were. Their laughs, their joy, their silliness and their life. Life as we knew it will never be the same but love as we knew it is still as strong as the day they left.

Why didn’t I know? Loss of child…

You left us and it has been almost twelve years now since your wreck. Sometimes though I look at your pictures and think how did I not know the loss of your weight or that something might be off? your friends said later you would go through times of feeling sad but I never saw it and you never told me?
We talked all of the time. You lived with us. But you were always smiling and joking and made your family laugh. Maybe you just didn’t want to see me sad.
But I believe in my heart you were happy. I really do. I am just sorry you never told me you were sad. I would have helped you through it. I love you. Always. Love, mom.

The Journey……..

Copyright 1016 L.S. Rockel

It is called life. A journey through the unknown. From the time we are born we stumble through,

Searching. Finding. Hoping. Dreaming.

Accomplishing. Failing. Laughing. Crying.

Getting back up and trying again. Living.

Fearing. Loving. Hating. Forgiving. Not forgiving.

Through it to get old when we still feel young inside and realizing what a journey we go or have been through.

The journey of Life.

Unenchanted Love…….

UNENCHANTED LOVE

I feel as though I am trapped in a fortress

Trapped by your rage, unable to escape.

The walls that surround me are your hatred

And the thorns at the top are each time your bitter words

Have pierced my heart.

No flowers grow here, only weeds of destruction

Waiting to choke the last of my strength.

Inside of me, where happiness strives to live

Your vines of anger entangle my heart

Trying to destroy any joy or contentment.

I hope to break free of this prison

And smile once again.

I want to wake each day without your dark shadow hanging over me

And to laugh without feeling the punishment of your revenge.

I know one day I will become whole again.

When I do, I will become a blossoming, beautiful rose

And you will be a choking weed, dying until you find more sunlight to destroy.

It was during the storm that I needed you… Not when the sun came .

It was and is at the worst times of my life that I need you, not during the good. The good times are when we can laugh together. But to be able to laugh, it is so needed to have you there when it is storming in my mind, the rain is pouring, I have prayed, cried, tried, or done anything to make this chaos go away.
You always have an excuse or “it is my fault” but love is about being there during those times. You are for others. When I am at my worst is when I need you to be there at your best. I never knew that being there when I was needed but then asking for help when I need it would result in so much judgment. I thought that was what love was for. I believe, of course, I will get through it but I just needed you. And you were gone until everything was fine again. But it has always been that way.

A beautiful day…………..

The sweet singing of birds, Children laughing, people smiling.
Butterflies dancing on the flowers, Bees flitting about.
A card or note sent to say I love you, a hug when needed.
ladybugs with their beautiful colors and flowers that color our world.
A baby that smiles for the first time, your child say’s their first word.
Your significant other brings you flowers, you give them the gift they have been wanting and you both smile.
The sound of falling rain, the shaking of thunder.
The world is full of so many beautiful things. We just have to look and take in a breath.

When you……

When you laugh at me… others are laughing with me.

When you tell people I am bothering you or I get on your nerves…. I am helping someone else calm their nerves.

When you don’t want people to know we have a relationship….. others are telling me they love me and I love them back.

When you talk about me, complain about how horrible I am… someone else is crying on my shoulder, wishing the someone they love cared about them like I do you.

When you make me cry…. there is someone there who understands my pain and wipes away the tears.

When I only exist in your life behind the public…. Someone is posting our pictures because they were happy I said I would go with them so they didn’t have to be alone.

But when you are alone, the world has deserted you and there is nowhere to turn, I will be there with my arms open to hold as long as I have a breath to take.

I did an experiment last night….

I was very down and out last night and feeling a bit discouraged because my life is spent trying to do for others. As humans we NEED to be there for others and likewise. So, I did an experiment. Since I am told so often by people who troll my facebook but do not comment or rarely respond that is is nothing and means nothing, although they are on but hide it so I cannot see it, I wanted to see just how popular it actually was. So I wrote something so out of character that it would take a pretty strange person not to pick up on that something was off key if you know me at all.
I also wanted to see if people just refuse to answer anything they do not like or if they just don’t care. I gauged by writing the post and then seeing how active they were over night. Surprise! Not. They were active all night and a.m. (I trolled myself) and I had two responses. Just two but they were checking all of my other post. The scariest part? It was a post that should have alerted people something was wrong. No I am not suicidal and I DO love my life even among my issues but now I know why people do commit suicide. They reach out but they do not see or feel it in their soul that anyone cares, even if people did. I also discovered social media is VERY active and important to society.

My cats are in need of therapy or they just do not tolerate humanity. …… Not sure which.

My cats are like no other I have ever had. I think they are mixed with bobcat. I found the mommy (now named Twilight since she is black with a touch of white)when she was pregnant. She was so young I brought her in when it came close to having her kittens and she did fine. She had two sets of twins. Two black and two striped. We named them Trooper, Scout, Pixie and Midnight. My husband built a catio where they can actually come in and out of the heat.
It has been a bit since my cat passed and this many at once is new to me. Well, they are a few months old now, mom has been fixed and we are working on these. But Scout and Trooper hunt me like a wildcat. They sneak up behind me and pounce on my back. They can actually climb a wall halfway. They wait until night and then all four prowl outdoors and inside and they make the loudest noises. I think they are people jumping up the stairs.
The other two, Pixie and Midnight love to play and be petted. So do Scout and Trooper unless it is hunting time. I think they are actually stalking me. Did I mention they like to wait until I am crossing the room and then knock into my legs almost tripping me. They watch the news. yes. The news. I laugh but there are those times, well, I just don’t know if maybe my cats are aliens.