The life of a grandparent can be funny, happy, difficult and it falls into so many categories that is hard to name them all. But one rings out. Joy. Your baby has a baby now. Then maybe another and another and another and whether you have one child or ten, most will have those beautiful little aliens we call grandchildren.
So different, so unique, so beautiful and yet so different from having a child. Your child. NOW, you are on the sidelines, watching your child raise theirs and hoping you taught them all the right things but this or these little ones you love so much. But your role of raising is over so now you watch.
The joy of a grandparent is we for the most part, get to spoil and love this group. It is no longer our job to sweat it out on how to be sure they grow up right because we don’t have that option. So we love, cuddle and try to be a positive happy force in their life.
You also have different kinds of grandparents. Some cannot get enough (me) and some want to love and enjoy but now it is their time to do what they want to do so they do it. Vacations, lunches, and etc. etc. That is cool too. They have that right. The not so great grandparents who act like their kid never had a kid, so it is not their job to help or really do anything but see the grandchild occasionally.
Some of us cringe when they get disciplined. Yes, we had to do it but we feel powerless seeing this tiny creature have to be disciplined for their actions. We see our mistakes with our kids in some of the parenting our kids do to theirs. Then we feel the guilt or pride, depending on how well they do with our little “peeps”. Regardless it is a whole new world no matter how you approach it and it is a whole new part of our lives. As for me, I love it. I love my little “peeps” and I love watching them grow. I hope all grandparents feel the same.
I love little one that you share my love of Fairies. I have always loved them. We build a fairie garden every year and put their houses up and flowers and all kids of things. I love to make them and pretend they are there. Why? because it is just the beauty of those tiny little creatures flying around. Somewhere.
“But, nonna, we never see them so are they real?”
“I don’t know. We believe in air because it helps us to live but we never see it. And you know what? Even if fairies are not real, they are real in our minds”.
I know the child in me believes they and the adult in me say’s don’t be stupid. There is no such thing. But as long as we want to dream of them and believe in them, we can, my little. Just us. You and I.
Strange yes. But it is how a mind with anxiety can work. Today is a new day and yesterday is still stuck in the head. So while most have moved on, those with anxiety or panic are enjoying parts of today but still rehashing everything from yesterday or even three weeks ago.
It is a world of illusion, confusion and and even joy. So, while we battle this strange disorder we know there is hope. We are NOT mentally unstable, we are NOT crazy and we do NOT go out and harm people. lol. For some reason, I have read there are people who think that. No, we are normal but we just have panic and or anxiety or both. we think and re-think everything.
So, those times that we seem anxious, it is just trying to remind ourselves that we are fine and we cannot please everyone. we cannot worry over every little thing. we cannot change people who do not want to be in our lives. But we can refocus, we can learn to take our minds off over thinking and we can learn it is okay to be us. Because most people with anxiety or panic are over achievers, smart and we just have to settle our brains down.
Life can be beautiful and it can worry you to the point of exhaustion, no sleep, hours of thinking of everything wrong. So, I am trying, in my case anyway, to focus on the right and not the worries. I try to find something beautiful even on hard days and though I do not always succeed, I am still trying. And I guess that is the point. We HAVE to at least try.
I do not know where it came from now almost four years ago but I fight it daily and I hate it. I love my life and I am happy but it is a happiness that is dependant on hoping and praying the depression or anxiety does not come. i fight it, I do yoga, I have tried so many things and I would have to say the depression is worse because it is harder to knock but the anxiety and panic are scary. I just wish they would visit a mountain for a while and let me get back to the me who was happy without fear or sadness.
I went through the next day, calling and thinking maybe you were trying to be a grown adult so you were not trying to get to a home phone but in my heart I knew. I had known since it happened I think that you were in that car wreck but my heart could not accept it. Finally, that evening, your sister called and said “Mom, did you check the hospitals?” I said, “No, but let me call her friend’s dad”. I didn’t want to call. I ask Dan to call her friends dad but I was scared. I whispered, “God, please let it be okay, please”. I heard Dan tell the dad, “No man, just hit me up? What is going on?” Then he came back into the room and fell to his knees. I knew.
It was her in the wreck but we were not allowed to be notified because only one person was thrown out of the car. It had somehow jumped the median from one side of the interstate to the other and was hit by an SUV. Then it rolled off to the side of the road and according to a witness, it exploded. Anyone inside the car was not able to be identified so we were not allowed to be called. Only that father. I went numb. I called your sister and told her to put her boyfriend on the phone. I asked him to bring her home. I knew from the girl who was thrown from the car that it was you. The dad said everyone was killed.
Someone called the family. People started coming. I think I was in a state of shock. All I remember the rest of that day was talking briefly to our moms and your dad’s mom who was telling me she was coming the next morning. I know people came and I know your sister was talking to people and Dan was and your friend from two streets over was there but that is it until the 19th. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I went and sat in your room and I cried.
February 19th. 2007
I am writing on a crap piece of paper I found and I am crying. I cannot do this. I cannot do this. I feel like I cannot breathe. I am crying so bad I think I will never stop. I miss you so much. You were the one in our family who kept us laughing. You looked at everything with hope and it was always, “It’s all good mom, and Where id the love?” when I got upset. You loved your sister like nothing else in this world. You loved people. You loved life. You loved Dan like he was your dad. You simply cannot be gone.
Granny came and your dad’s family is trying to help find out the facts. Your cousin that you are closest in age to is crying, your sister has been crying and so many but I cannot help them. Your cousin in Afghanistan called and he is crying because they won’t let him come home. Dear God, this cannot be real. It is all a very bad dream. Your Aunts and Uncles, cousins, grandparents, sister, Dan. All here Even your dad and his family. I am in house full of people but I am ALONE. So alone. I miss you so much. I cannot believe this is real.
I wish you could understand my world. But you cannot unless you live it. It is not a place you choose to be and they say many things can cause it but I can say that your love and trying to at least understand would mean more than all of the money in the world.
But you choose to see me as a weird person who is crazy or needs mental help because I go through this. Do not be so quick to judge. My panic only started three years ago. You could not understand it so you walked away from it. You chose to run from it like it might be contagious. It isn’t.
So, I have learned to deal with it on my own and some prayer. I have learned to accept that people will talk about me or judge me but I am the same as you. I just have an issue. Live my life and then maybe you can say i have no reason for panic. But I can promise if you ever have panic or anxiety, you will never think again like you do now.
But, I have a couple of people who are trying now to help and understand it. They are there even if they do not know what to do. They have held my hand and sat while I cried. But I am coming through the storm each day and learning that I am STILL the strong person I used to be just a little different in how I view people and life.
I walked alone for a while but there were foot prints in the sand I didn’t see.