I know it is hard to understand me since I lost my child/children. I know I have breakdowns. I know I act crazy at times. I am. Because I am trying to deal with pain and anxiety I never had before. I know I get defensive. I do because I feel like the world left her/them behind but not me. I know I am putting you in a strange spot when I am laughing one minute and crying the next. I know. Why can’t you see what I feel? Because you haven’t been there and I hope you never are.
I thought of you as I walked on the beach
Listening to the sounds you loved so much.
waves, as they rush onto the sand and soothe my soul.
I thought of you as the Holidays approached and how much you loved them.
Halloween where you loved those goofy movies. Christmas where we always drove around to see Christmas lights and you loved to stop at that store and get hot Cocoa.
I thought of the day you left me, three days after Valentines.
I never celebrate that day now. I can’t.
I went to your room and I sat on your bed.
I waited to see if maybe you would walk in
but I knew that was a fantasy that would never come true.
I went to the place where we placed you to rest
But to me it is empty and useless.
If I thought you would be here or I could feel you somehow
maybe I would come more often. But you aren’t and you will never be.
I look at your photo and I wish I could change that day and turn back the events so they never happened.
But I can’t.
Time does NOT heal all wounds. It only heals the ability to deal with it.
Love does not die. My love will always be there for you, secured in my heart.
I wish I had known so many things when you were here.
I wish I had known we have to cherish every day and every moment.
But I didn’t know.
I never realized or knew so many things that I know now but I only realized all of it.
When you were gone. I love you. always. Love, Mom. Copyright 2010 L.S.R.
Did you think I don’t see the pain behind the smile?
Did you ever think you have us fooled from the bruises you hide?
Or that we wouldn’t see how the emotional abuse was taking
that spark from your eyes?
How long will you suffer from the hands of abuse?
How long will you ignore our pleas to rescue you?
You are so beautiful. Inside as well as out.
You deserve so much more than what you believe you deserve.
It is not love. It is control.
It is not what I wanted for you.
I wanted to see the shine in your eyes keep glowing
not smothered by the abuse of someone’s hatred.
So, I hope you will find your way back.
I hope you can someday see what I have always known. You are beautiful. But the abuse you live is so ugly.
One day. I hold onto to that. One day.
You will see. I love you.
I do Yoga. I do it to relax me, to help me get in shape to find a place where I can relax but Yoga is hard to me. I mean, I love it but it is a workout. It is not for those who think Yoga is just sitting on the floor and breathing in and out for hours. Nope. Yoga is a form of relaxing but it is also a healthy way to get back in shape but your body will feel it. My family or at least some of them used to laugh at me until I made them try it. They do NOT laugh anymore. I love Yoga, Yoga loves me but sometimes my body hates it and then thanks me later.
So, I define my panic attacks and my anxiety on a separate plain. Because panic attacks bother me worse than anxiety if that makes sense. BUT, I have found with both that trying to keep positive thoughts in my head seem to help a lot. Avoiding people who want to criticize me. Trying to find beauty in anything. I also try to be more positive when I can. Sometimes, during anxiety, I can be hateful and not very kind but it is because I am about to scream in my brain that I am a jello square jiggling all over.
So, that is me and my issues today. so far, pretty good on things! I hope all my fellow strugglers are doing good too!
I loved you
And you hated me.
I hated you
Then you loved me.
I sang for you
You hushed my voice
I became quiet
You asked me to sing.
I wept for your heart
You turned me away.
I turned away
You ran to come get me.
I followed your dreams
You changed them so I could not follow.
So I stopped and then
you told me how to find them.
I finally gave you up
to whatever demons you fought.
Then you finally gave up the demons
To embrace me in your love.
Now I desire it no more.
Sunshine and flowers,
Storms and wind,
Children and laughter,
Old couples together and in love.
New young love and the shine it brings,
Families and joy and togetherness.
Puppies, cats, dogs and kittens,
animals of every kind that we love.
And they love us.
Nature and birds and the call of the wild.
Life, living, love, sorrow, tears
happiness, crying, laughter, hurt
pain, wishes. granted. denied.
hoping, believing, praying, running
to and through the journey….