I have had a big response to my loss of my children….Please come and join my new group..

For a long time I had a group for those who lost a child, sibling or parent. It kind of went by the wayside. But so many parents here seem to need a place to come. To be loved. Understood and just to be. Please join me on fb on a PRIVATE group called Families in grief and love.  go to face book and type in, families in grief and love.  you will see,

See all groups for ‘families in grief and love’
See All Tap see all and look for the faded rose in the sky.

Please come and be loved if you need it.

When I lost you….

When she died…. Perhaps I did go a little crazy when she died. Maybe losing the child you gave birth to and watched grow up and cared for with her disability and never realized she would be gone without warning at 23 made me different. You do not understand and I hope you never do understand. That means you lost your child too and I wouldn’t want to wish that on anyone. It is a loss you learn to live with but never get over.You learn to laugh again and God brings other love into your life but it does not take away the pain at times. I became better in some ways but in others I changed. I needed more from those I loved, I was scared and I was devastated. I developed panic issues. I went through the five stages. I went through Hell and came back a little burned. i turned back to God and I have tried to make her proud. I have loved my only other child and adore my family. But, yes I changed. When you lose a child you always do. I hope you never have to look at me and say, ” I understand”.

To those who lost a child…no matter the age or amount of time.. we live but we grieve..

A recent blog I posted reminded of how hard it is to lose a child or children and feel like no one understands you. So, I want to go back on a couple of mine to say that it is the most painful loss you will ever feel. No one wants anyone to go through it but unless you have, you will never fully understand why we change, why we do what we do and so this is for those bloggers. The club we never asked to join and the feeling of being alone in a room full of people.

Time never erases you …. from my Heart…

No matter how much time goes by, nothing will ever erase you from my heart. I think of you everyday and I keep your special place in my heart where it has always been. I am glad though that you are not here during all of these things going on. It would have bothered you so much. Of course I would always bring you back if I could but I just know how much it would hurt you. you were all about the Love. But I just wanted you to know that no matter what. You are always in my heart. Time may keep going on but my love for you never stops. Sara Nicolle. Time she left this earth, 2007.

I thought of you today as I do everyday…. I see your smile in the Sun….

I always think of you. That is just a given. But today, the Sun came out and I thought of your beautiful smile and your laughter that lit up a room. You were such a beautiful soul and you always made people happy. You loved life, you loved every. single. aspect. of it. You were the Sun on a rainy day and the World is a lonelier place without you. The only good thing is that you do not have to see what is going on and live with it. This virus would have scared you so much. But you are safe my sweet child and nothing can harm you anymore. Not a virus, not bullies and your memory shines on through it all. I love. you. always. Love, Mom.

The little boy who almost was…….

A time ago in the world a young woman had a son. He was born early and he was just a tiny thing at not quite two pounds. He had blonde hair and she never got to see his eyes open but she wondered if when he opened them, they would be green or blue. he had a beautiful little face and he was so beautiful to her. she loved him so much and she named him Ryan. She had hopes and dreams for him and she wanted him to grow up and be her protective son and love her as much as she loved him.
But it wasn’t meant to be. Ryan died two days later. His mommy cried and then she tried to go on and would never speak of it but in her heart she wondered what he would have been like. would he have been serious like her or funny and not have her issues? Would he run and play or have been blind like the Doctor’s said. No matter how she tried though, she always thought of her little baby Ryan though she never spoke of him. Her heart just couldn’t. He would be grown now and still she wonders of all the things her little boy might have been or become. He was her only son. The little boy who almost was but never would be. But he still lives in her heart and there she has watched him grow into the dreams she made him into.

Just get through this day…. Just try and keep it together… Loss of a child…

Sometimes it hits hard, sometimes this day comes up and I get through it with celebrating your life but not this year. Damn it has hit hard. I just keep telling myself to just get through the day. I keep praying for it to ease up on this depression and anxiety. I keep trying to focus on anything to make it easier. But above all, I just keep trying to get through this day. Not think about the car crash that took you and your three friends. The fire of when the car blew up. I am so glad you had already passed before that happened. That would have been the worst if it could get any worse. I love you. Always. Love, Mom.

My Pre- Rainbow Babies…My version of Rainbow babies anyway……..

I lost my oldest daughter when she was in a car wreck and it wrecked my heart but today I wanted to mention my Rainbow babies. Ryan was two days old when I lost him to bleeding in the brain. I was so devastated and I rarely talk him or my other babies I lost at three months while trying to have another child. I did have my youngest daughter and she is alive and I am so glad. But when I reflect on Ryan and my other babies I just always wonder…. Would Ryan have been blonde headed like me? Would he have had green eyes or blue? Would he have enjoyed sports or been more of an introvert like me? I never saw his first smile, tooth or heard his first laugh. I never got to see him take his first steps. I never got to watch my son grow up into a man. And my three month babies? Would they have been boys or girls? (I lost five in an attempt to get pregnant again). Would they have been like me or their dad? so many questions and never an answer but I remember them all. I love them all and I especially remember Ryan because I actually saw and touched him. I never dreamed he was not going to make it. He was a preemie but I just knew my baby boy would come but he never did. So, for all of us with rainbow babies, I just wonder do you think these same thoughts? Love and hugs to all the moms and dads who have gone through this.

Sometimes, just sometimes… I am so lost without you…………

Time has gone on and sometimes I am okay. Sometimes on your Angelversary, I am able to celebrate your life but this year I just feel alone and lost without you. I want you here with us again. I am emotional and crying. I look at your picture and I want you back. I want you to be here with us with your laughter and to see your nieces ( the picture above I combined to bring you two together in a way.)and to keep us laughing as you never failed to do. I know that life has brought beautiful things to me since you have been gone but I will NEVER get over losing you. I enjoy what I have in our family, I laugh, I do many things but on days like today, I just feel lost and I need your smile back here with us. I love you. Always.

I just do not have much to say… That month of the year. Born in January. Killed in February years later…

This is a hard time. I have learned to still live, love and survive but you NEVER get over it. I find I have writers block every year at this time. I can only seem to focus on writing about her. She was kind and so sweet. She did try to laugh off everything and she made friends from the bullies at school. She was bullied because of her Autism and her way of thinking. She dressed as she wanted. She ate as she could. Food could not touch and of course, bullies watch for stuff like that. But, she somehow never fought back but she stood her ground. She had kids come to her service and say, “I am so sorry. I picked on her at first but you just could NOT be mean to Sara after a while because she was just her. She would keep smiling”. She made me see what I was doing and she helped me to be a better person, not a bully”. She was the very essence of love that didn’t judge. So, this is why I am writing these stories. It is the time when I think of all the things I lost when I lost her but the gift she left behind that taught me to keep on, love others and appreciate life. I love. you. Sara Nicolle. always. Love, Mom