Copyright 1016 L.S. Rockel
It is called life. A journey through the unknown. From the time we are born we stumble through,
Searching. Finding. Hoping. Dreaming.
Accomplishing. Failing. Laughing. Crying.
Getting back up and trying again. Living.
Fearing. Loving. Hating. Forgiving. Not forgiving.
Through it to get old when we still feel young inside and realizing what a journey we go or have been through.
The journey of Life.
We ALL go through bumps in the road, chaos, and so many things and for some of us it is a little different. We have lost children, suffer from anxiety or other things that cannot be seen like a physical illness but that is when I have been shunned the most. How many TIMES do I have to say, YOU do not understand and I am not asking you to but PLEASE over look the times I freak out or I am going through depression and be there as opposed to writing me off because I should not have “acted” that way and you cannot take it anymore.
Along with my issues, I am also the first one to jump when someone needs help or is hurting or needs a friend. I wish sometimes I had people who say they love me who would do the same for me but I have been just cast out of the “group” because I am too overly emotional and it is affecting their happiness. So sad because when they need me, they find a reason to come running back. I do not fit in anymore but it really showed me the difference in my loyalty and theirs. I would still be there if they called and said they needed me.
I had to let go of some of the people I love and hold dear to my heart. But to live, I had to let them go. I was tired of being told I was just “thinking” that, it was all in my head, that I was “in a dark place”. Why? Because I over think. Because I have anxiety. But, they never admitted they would not answer me when I sent things to them or they would avoid me or just so many things that as long as I did things their way, they were willing to help (which was one call they would accept from me maybe one every two weeks or so).
As long as I never got upset, just smiled, laughed and did everything that they deemed normal. Emotions were not allowed or I was in need of help. Does it hurt? Yes. But do I feel stronger? Oh yeah. Sometimes letting go is your road to recovery.
It is amazing tome how families that used to be close, stick through hard times together and loved each other deeply have now become so separated. Some stick together while casting out any who are not “normal” or cheerful or suffer from depression or anxiety or other things. If it is physical, most will stick by you but not anything else. And with this new group of families, now things are spaced by terms. “Immediate family which is only parents, siblings and Aunts and Uncles are excluded. OF COURSE there are times when just that family gets together but when our kids were growing up we did EVERYTHING together. But the saddest part is seeing the ones shunned because of something they did the family did not like or a self righteous younger one who sets family member against family member. I just do not understand where strong cemented family units went and it is sad. I guess those days are gone for many of us because now instead of, “We are here for you, we will get through this”, it is “I had to set boundaries. You were ugly to me when you were going through grief and depression so I had to exclude from most of my life.” Wow. Just sad.
My greatest joy besides my family, is when I can make people smile. Even at times when I am in the depths off about to have an anxiety moment or whatever, I just love to s=d o something that can make someone else smile. Maybe I feel it helps my heart knowing they are not sad, even if for a bit.
But I love to make other people happy. I love to bring them joy. I fail sometimes when I get treated bad by some of the same people but I am learning to not pity party and rise above it. Because as long as I can make someone smile and brighten their day, then it is worth it. It really is. Have a wonderful day!
I have held on to this hate I didn’t even realize was there for almost 12 years. I said I would never forgive you when our daughter died for all the times you were not there for her. I hated you. I hated the fact that she still loved you and saw you when she could but I never said anything because I didn’t want her to think she had to make a choice.
I hated you for having to force you to help me when she needed things because you didn’t pay child support but then you would push her aside if your wife’s daughter got jealous or whatever the case was that month or year. I hated when you remarried and allowed your wife to call her things. Yes, she was grown by then, so young and the autism she fought and mostly won and how kind she was and loving but you never seemed to care.
I especially hated you when I had to force you to help pay for her service when she was killed and then you only asked about the watch you gave her for Christmas two months before back because it had cost you probably more money than you had ever given her or helped with. So many things that I just could not get past and I told you, “Never speak to me again”. But it hurt me more than you. I heard you regretted it all later but it was too late. But then, something strange happened a few days ago.
I looked at her picture and she was about forgiveness. Forgiving you, me of my mistakes, bullies who I tried to defend her against but she was like, “I got this mom. It’s all good”. She never quit being kind until they became her friends. Forgive. That was her REAL name and I realized to live and be whole I HAD to forgive you. I prayed, I pondered, I cried but finally I sent you the message. I did it and she was right. It is like a stone has been lifted off on me. I let go of the hate, the bitterness and all of it. I feel so different. Just from a simple act of forgiveness.
THAT is the lesson I learned from our daughter. That is who she was. That is how she lived her life.
Now I know why she did.