I try….. I fail…. I get back up again. But I am real.

Let me start by saying this has Christian content and the basis is how it can be bad to be the “perfect” Christian and how I feel MYSELF about the damage that can do because I do believe that is not what being a Christian is about. It is about being real. That being said, I have to say, as in my title, I may fail but I am real and I have no problem admitting my own failures.
I look and see so many “perfect” Christians and I almost feel sick. They are perfect to everyone on the outside in every way. They do all the church outings, help, know the Bible like the back of their hands but if you watch, they will rarely admit they are wrong about anything Biblically related. If you offend them, they will walk away instead of trying to understand why their Christian brother or sister is bothered. That is not what the Bible says to do.
I screw up all of the time. I get angry. I get upset. I am a Christian and I am NOT in a dark place as I have been told before. I am REAL. I am human. I am not perfect. So, I do not fit the mold to these other Christians who think they are so in line with everything Biblical. Do they reach out to those in need outside of their church? Do they help someone who might need a place to stay for a while although it might “intrude” on their family style?
Do they only go around the people who, like them, smile and act as though nothing is ever wrong in their life? Do they want to be there when someone cries out, “Help me?” Actions. That is what we are called to do. Live in action. We can be human and believe. We can be real and still believe. When was the last time I walked into a church and after going a while, I was able to say, “Hey, I am like so off the charts of the “normal” Christian but I sure would love to have fellowship with some who might fail daily like me even though we get back and try again?” Never.
But here is where I do right. I accept the broken because I am broken, I accept the lost because at times I am lost too sometimes. I can be around those who have problems and identify because I have problems too. I am a Christian but my life is real.

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PANIC & The chaos that surrounds it.

I wish you could understand my world. But you cannot unless you live it. It is not a place you choose to be and they say many things can cause it but I can say that your love and trying to at least understand would mean more than all of the money in the world.
But you choose to see me as a weird person who is crazy or needs mental help because I go through this. Do not be so quick to judge. My panic only started three years ago. You could not understand it so you walked away from it. You chose to run from it like it might be contagious. It isn’t.
So, I have learned to deal with it on my own and some prayer. I have learned to accept that people will talk about me or judge me but I am the same as you. I just have an issue. Live my life and then maybe you can say i have no reason for panic. But I can promise if you ever have panic or anxiety, you will never think again like you do now.
But, I have a couple of people who are trying now to help and understand it. They are there even if they do not know what to do. They have held my hand and sat while I cried. But I am coming through the storm each day and learning that I am STILL the strong person I used to be just a little different in how I view people and life.
I walked alone for a while but there were foot prints in the sand I didn’t see.

God, do you hear me? I think sometimes you do.

God, I often come to you in despair, sometimes in joy, sometimes to talk and sometimes to cry. I often wondered if you heard me and sometimes I still do. But I know that you are listening and I know you know what I need.

You gave me the ability to love art and photography and my family and people. Abused animals and children are what I hurt for the most. People say why do bad things happen? I don’t always know but I know that we have free will. When a person does something bad, you are blamed first.

Why? You gave us minds to think on our own and to choose our own paths. if a person kills, steals, rapes. abusesĀ  or other horrific things, it was a choice they made. I sometimes question you and ask, “Are you listening? Don’t you hear my cry?” But yes, you do. I just don’t always have the patience to wait out the answer.

I am human and sometimes God, I get mad at how the answers turn out and I get hurt when I have asked and it doesn’t come to be. But then, I am human. And we know how that goes. So I just wanted to say that even when i am unsure, yes, I know you are listening and sometimes, when I stop long enough to give you a chance, I feel you there.

It is beautiful and yet ugly. Life

Life can be so beautiful and yet so ugly.

Love, happiness, babies. marriage, friendship, family,adoption, playing, running, adventures, prayers, reading, painting, writing, flowers, trees, the four seasons, the pureness of snow, the laughter of a child.

Bills, stress, death of a child, burdens, anxiety, hatred, racism, divorce, affairs, riots, abuse of children and women, burning our flag, killing, using people, destroying.

Something so beautiful and yet so ugly

I often question

Yes, I sometimes question God. Quite often actually. But I know that I am honest when I pray about I feel. I do not sugarcoat because sometimes I do NOT understand why.

I don’t understand many things so I question them. I ask God all kinds of questions. I asked when i am hurt, lonely, confused, angry or whatever.

But that is okay because even if I am asking questions, he knows I at least care enough to ask and that means I am there, spending time and trying to get the answers.

Why are we bad examples as Christians?

Why? Simple. because so many of us judge, think we are “better” than the “non” Christians and we are haughty, rude and sometimes downright mean. That is not what the example of Christ is supposed to be.

Don’t get me wrong. We are humans and therefore we fail. period. We are supposed to love unconditionally but that doesn’t mean we have to be doormats. What it does mean is do not expect a person who does not believe to be like you. First of all, we are to show the example, not judge the person or people who believe different.

Also, there are plenty of non Christians who are kinder than we are. That is sad. We should try and show the love of Christ through example but not by brow beating or judging or not keeping “company” with those we feel are not “like” us. Remember Jesus dined, walked and was among those that had no belief in him and had lifestyles not accepted in that time.

The very people we shun are the very people we should be talking to. Yes, we hang with other Christians but we also hang with those who are not. How can you show an example if you are never around them. Our churches are just building. The real church is us. So, we need to practice what we preach. IF we have done all we could and we are still mocked, scorned and treated bad no matter what we do, then love but walk away.

However, also remember when you pass that beggar on the street, or ignore someone asking for food, judge because someone isn’t “like” you, you are worse than they ever were. Be the example, not the Judge.