Life as a Parent. It is one of the most beautiful, heartbreaking, blessed gifts given to a Parent……… I wish all parents realized it…

Parenting can be so great and yet it is so very hard. Every stage of life holds challenges that parents must wander through and hope they are doing their best. Every area of infanthood to adulthood and it still means even when they are grown, we are still mom and dad. I wish every parent embraced the gift given when you have a child. It is everything I described and more and yet there are so many abused and neglected children. It breaks my heart to see them on the news and hear about what they go through. It is the most difficult job I have ever had but I would not trade it for all of the riches in the World!

The innocence of children and kittens…

when kids are young and still in the throes of innocence, they do not know to define color or status and they play and love each other. Before they are taught differently, they do not do anything but accept. They just know love until life or situations change them. I have noticed recently the same with kittens. Although the situation is different as when cats get older it is just normal to get territorial, as kittens they are accepting. I recently had two mom cats dumped off. They had their kittens on different sides of the house and for the first eight weeks, they never even saw each other. Then, the last  couple of days, they have found each other. They do not understand yet that they are different. They play together, they do shoo the others off. I just found that fascinating. And beautiful.

Time never erases you …. from my Heart…

No matter how much time goes by, nothing will ever erase you from my heart. I think of you everyday and I keep your special place in my heart where it has always been. I am glad though that you are not here during all of these things going on. It would have bothered you so much. Of course I would always bring you back if I could but I just know how much it would hurt you. you were all about the Love. But I just wanted you to know that no matter what. You are always in my heart. Time may keep going on but my love for you never stops. Sara Nicolle. Time she left this earth, 2007.

My Pre- Rainbow Babies…My version of Rainbow babies anyway……..

I lost my oldest daughter when she was in a car wreck and it wrecked my heart but today I wanted to mention my Rainbow babies. Ryan was two days old when I lost him to bleeding in the brain. I was so devastated and I rarely talk him or my other babies I lost at three months while trying to have another child. I did have my youngest daughter and she is alive and I am so glad. But when I reflect on Ryan and my other babies I just always wonder…. Would Ryan have been blonde headed like me? Would he have had green eyes or blue? Would he have enjoyed sports or been more of an introvert like me? I never saw his first smile, tooth or heard his first laugh. I never got to see him take his first steps. I never got to watch my son grow up into a man. And my three month babies? Would they have been boys or girls? (I lost five in an attempt to get pregnant again). Would they have been like me or their dad? so many questions and never an answer but I remember them all. I love them all and I especially remember Ryan because I actually saw and touched him. I never dreamed he was not going to make it. He was a preemie but I just knew my baby boy would come but he never did. So, for all of us with rainbow babies, I just wonder do you think these same thoughts? Love and hugs to all the moms and dads who have gone through this.

I just do not have much to say… That month of the year. Born in January. Killed in February years later…

This is a hard time. I have learned to still live, love and survive but you NEVER get over it. I find I have writers block every year at this time. I can only seem to focus on writing about her. She was kind and so sweet. She did try to laugh off everything and she made friends from the bullies at school. She was bullied because of her Autism and her way of thinking. She dressed as she wanted. She ate as she could. Food could not touch and of course, bullies watch for stuff like that. But, she somehow never fought back but she stood her ground. She had kids come to her service and say, “I am so sorry. I picked on her at first but you just could NOT be mean to Sara after a while because she was just her. She would keep smiling”. She made me see what I was doing and she helped me to be a better person, not a bully”. She was the very essence of love that didn’t judge. So, this is why I am writing these stories. It is the time when I think of all the things I lost when I lost her but the gift she left behind that taught me to keep on, love others and appreciate life. I love. you. Sara Nicolle. always. Love, Mom

Why didn’t I know? Loss of child…

You left us and it has been almost twelve years now since your wreck. Sometimes though I look at your pictures and think how did I not know the loss of your weight or that something might be off? your friends said later you would go through times of feeling sad but I never saw it and you never told me?
We talked all of the time. You lived with us. But you were always smiling and joking and made your family laugh. Maybe you just didn’t want to see me sad.
But I believe in my heart you were happy. I really do. I am just sorry you never told me you were sad. I would have helped you through it. I love you. Always. Love, mom.